Children high in mountains, address unknown
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
my goodness I'm sorry your family is going through all of this.
I know you're overwhelmed and scrambling but at the very least I would make sure you're got support in place for when they come home and have to decompress from Crazy Land.
Sending you lots of hugs
I know you're overwhelmed and scrambling but at the very least I would make sure you're got support in place for when they come home and have to decompress from Crazy Land.
Sending you lots of hugs
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Pippi,
I am thinking about you and sending little winged Mom blessings to you (I think they are heart shaped with wings, heehee). You are almost to the end of their visit. Glad you are obviously doing a few things for yourself to deal with the stress. Go you!!! (how was the date?)
Just try to keep in mind, and you know my story so I speak from experience, you are going to have many of these weekends. Until they are 18. I keep having to be reminded by my attorney that I will be dealing with this until the boys move out.
They are out of town camping. You say yourself he is not drinking. Amazing as far as I'm concerned. I would kill for that. Document what happen that you felt was inappropriate but remember kids and adults get banged up camping. Not sure what happened with your older son not being taken care of but if it was bad write it down.
I guess I just don't want what happened to me to happen to you. I was so stressed about when the boys were with my ex that I started insisting I could call every evening they were there (for good reason, he was drinking so heavily). Well then that means he could call every evening I had the kids (which was 95% of the time). The phone call issue spun completely out of control. It is a massive issue in court now. It became a way for him to terrorize us. I finally got the kids attorney and the court to see what was going on but it was crazy for a while.
Could some of it be your 16 year old being a 16 old? Is he pissed to be missing out on summer at home with his friends and having to spend time with his little siblings?
Now don't get me wrong, I would be a stress case. But I am hoping it really is not as bad as you are imagining....
It is going to feel so good when you get them back.
Take care, 4MyBoys
I am thinking about you and sending little winged Mom blessings to you (I think they are heart shaped with wings, heehee). You are almost to the end of their visit. Glad you are obviously doing a few things for yourself to deal with the stress. Go you!!! (how was the date?)
Just try to keep in mind, and you know my story so I speak from experience, you are going to have many of these weekends. Until they are 18. I keep having to be reminded by my attorney that I will be dealing with this until the boys move out.
They are out of town camping. You say yourself he is not drinking. Amazing as far as I'm concerned. I would kill for that. Document what happen that you felt was inappropriate but remember kids and adults get banged up camping. Not sure what happened with your older son not being taken care of but if it was bad write it down.
I guess I just don't want what happened to me to happen to you. I was so stressed about when the boys were with my ex that I started insisting I could call every evening they were there (for good reason, he was drinking so heavily). Well then that means he could call every evening I had the kids (which was 95% of the time). The phone call issue spun completely out of control. It is a massive issue in court now. It became a way for him to terrorize us. I finally got the kids attorney and the court to see what was going on but it was crazy for a while.
Could some of it be your 16 year old being a 16 old? Is he pissed to be missing out on summer at home with his friends and having to spend time with his little siblings?
Now don't get me wrong, I would be a stress case. But I am hoping it really is not as bad as you are imagining....
It is going to feel so good when you get them back.
Take care, 4MyBoys
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I kinda tend to agree that it may not be nearly as big a deal as you are afraid it is. Kids gripe (and, yes, sometimes cry) when they aren't having fun. I dealt with my own kids on utterly innocuous family-friendly vacations where they got tired, they were bored, they got sunscreen in their eyes, they got sand in their underwear, etc., etc. They wanted to go home, they wanted their TV shows, they wanted their toys. We weren't abusing them in any way, but we weren't going to give in so they would be happy, either.
If anything truly inappropriate went on, you can bring it to the court's attention. But their being whiny and not having fun, absent truly inappropriate conduct, isn't something that needs to be addressed--at least not in the legal forum.
Battles need to be picked, and picked carefully. Courts tend to lose patience when truly minor issues become something the court has to decide.
I'm not saying it IS minor, just that you need to be sure you have all the facts before you make it an issue in court.
If anything truly inappropriate went on, you can bring it to the court's attention. But their being whiny and not having fun, absent truly inappropriate conduct, isn't something that needs to be addressed--at least not in the legal forum.
Battles need to be picked, and picked carefully. Courts tend to lose patience when truly minor issues become something the court has to decide.
I'm not saying it IS minor, just that you need to be sure you have all the facts before you make it an issue in court.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I fully sympathize & can feel where you're coming from.
Sometimes you wonder when it's ever going to stop eh?
You are a great Mum & have every right to act the way you have if you have concerns for their safety.
Keep posting.
Hugs
Sometimes you wonder when it's ever going to stop eh?
You are a great Mum & have every right to act the way you have if you have concerns for their safety.
Keep posting.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
All my angels are home safely 
And sleeping peacefully.
Well, it went okay overall. They did have fun.
And he did drink every night. Apparently, there was booze in the house he'd rented. My daughter confronted him about it after night two. He said it was ok and he was going to drink. He didn't appear to be drunk, just drinking. I have no way of knowing the extent of it. The children don't like to rat on him, and I don't want to put them in the middle of it. According to my 6 year old, my daughter got into a big fight with him about his drinking and the fight itself was really hard for the children.
That's all I know at this point.
His line to the children about his drinking is that he has drinken excessively at some times he shouldn't have, and he regrets that. But he isn't an alcoholic. And he tells them that I have accused him of some dreadful things.
I am ecstatic to have them back safe and sound. And I am glad they enjoyed some good times with their father, actually.
But it is hard because he uses them to communicate with me. And I don't want to have anything to do with him. I don't want him and his life in my head. Then I am back to thinking about whether he is drinking, having affairs, blah blah blah all stuff I can't control and yet when it affects the children I have to know.
Arg!
And sleeping peacefully.
Well, it went okay overall. They did have fun.
And he did drink every night. Apparently, there was booze in the house he'd rented. My daughter confronted him about it after night two. He said it was ok and he was going to drink. He didn't appear to be drunk, just drinking. I have no way of knowing the extent of it. The children don't like to rat on him, and I don't want to put them in the middle of it. According to my 6 year old, my daughter got into a big fight with him about his drinking and the fight itself was really hard for the children.
That's all I know at this point.
His line to the children about his drinking is that he has drinken excessively at some times he shouldn't have, and he regrets that. But he isn't an alcoholic. And he tells them that I have accused him of some dreadful things.
I am ecstatic to have them back safe and sound. And I am glad they enjoyed some good times with their father, actually.
But it is hard because he uses them to communicate with me. And I don't want to have anything to do with him. I don't want him and his life in my head. Then I am back to thinking about whether he is drinking, having affairs, blah blah blah all stuff I can't control and yet when it affects the children I have to know.
Arg!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
As to my 16 year old, he sprained his ankle in a bike competition the same day his father arrived. I took him to the hospital for xrays after staff from the race looked at it and advised me. He couldn't walk.
The doctor said to keep him on crutches and no sports for three weeks.
Then I brought him to meet his father. His father wanted to do mountain sports with the children. Next days they were rock climbing, biking, hiking. After a few days of that, my boy started getting worse. They checked out of the house rental and AH left 16 year old in the car while he climbed with the others. 16 year old was angry and bored and hurt. He joined them and climbed. His father was belaying them without watching them. The older children made him bring them down because they felt endangered.
And 16 year old got fed up and got himself home. The swelling was awful in the ankle but after resting in bed for 3 days he is much better. Took him to the doctor and she said no sports for at least 10 more days.
The doctor said to keep him on crutches and no sports for three weeks.
Then I brought him to meet his father. His father wanted to do mountain sports with the children. Next days they were rock climbing, biking, hiking. After a few days of that, my boy started getting worse. They checked out of the house rental and AH left 16 year old in the car while he climbed with the others. 16 year old was angry and bored and hurt. He joined them and climbed. His father was belaying them without watching them. The older children made him bring them down because they felt endangered.
And 16 year old got fed up and got himself home. The swelling was awful in the ankle but after resting in bed for 3 days he is much better. Took him to the doctor and she said no sports for at least 10 more days.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I can't sleep so I am writing here!
4myboys and jazzman,
I did benefit from the time off! Cycled 180km around the lake with friends one day. And the evening gathering that was actually a double date was a surprise and kind of tricky. The fellow is a nice guy. But this is my team. Anything between me and another member is by definition going to be treated seriously. People here don't date casually. So when someone has intentions, I have to be very careful to not appear anything but friendly unless I am sure I am interested in them and I don't mind the others knowing.
Casually dating would be so much more fun. I love my team and I don't want to hurt anyone but getting into something and then backing out.
4myboys and jazzman,
I did benefit from the time off! Cycled 180km around the lake with friends one day. And the evening gathering that was actually a double date was a surprise and kind of tricky. The fellow is a nice guy. But this is my team. Anything between me and another member is by definition going to be treated seriously. People here don't date casually. So when someone has intentions, I have to be very careful to not appear anything but friendly unless I am sure I am interested in them and I don't mind the others knowing.
Casually dating would be so much more fun. I love my team and I don't want to hurt anyone but getting into something and then backing out.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Biking, hiking and climbing in the mountains sounds like the vacation from hell to ME, but I'm not the outdoorsy type. Glad they had fun overall. I take it your son wasn't witness to the drinking, or was he? He's old enough not to be traumatized by having to tell the court about it. If your ex was ordered not to drink while he had the kids, the court should be informed about that.
Anyway, glad everyone is safe and sound and back to the usual routine.
Anyway, glad everyone is safe and sound and back to the usual routine.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Glad everyone is doing well now and you can relax some.
I think in the first set of order the court set, "Not communicating through the children", was a pretty standard order. So you may be able to put an end to that soon.
Good for you for going out and having fun! Awesome first step out by being clear regarding your intentions towards him.
4MyBoys
I think in the first set of order the court set, "Not communicating through the children", was a pretty standard order. So you may be able to put an end to that soon.
Good for you for going out and having fun! Awesome first step out by being clear regarding your intentions towards him.
4MyBoys
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
It's even better having them back now that they have readjusted to life here. When the children first arrived home they were throwing things at each other, crying, and disrespecting me. And my younger boy was just - distant.
Then they kept telling me 'daddy says we are going to stay with him in the US at Christmas'. 'Daddy says he wants to stay in our apartment in Europe ( where I still have my restraining order), 'daddy says he is going to sell our stuff in a yard sale' 'daddy says you should sell the car. He liked telling people how you had four children and no car' ...
Now they are settling in and they are just happy and lovely. Daddy is far away and I am surrounded by angels.
Then they kept telling me 'daddy says we are going to stay with him in the US at Christmas'. 'Daddy says he wants to stay in our apartment in Europe ( where I still have my restraining order), 'daddy says he is going to sell our stuff in a yard sale' 'daddy says you should sell the car. He liked telling people how you had four children and no car' ...
Now they are settling in and they are just happy and lovely
. Daddy is far away and I am surrounded by angels.
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