Good grief. Did I go too far?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 55
Good grief. Did I go too far?
My alcoholic, gambling, OCD anxiety riddled common law partner entered Rehab 8 days ago. Yay for that!
However his councillor called me and asked me to do some homework to send in that my 'husband' would have to read out loud in group therapy.
I was brutally honest in the assignment, and made it clear that he was no longer the most important person in our family, and that other will come first or he is out of here.
I pointed out the two times he has slapped me and how he has never ever apologized.
I gave a couple examples of his stupidity and double standards (how dare I buy our kid $40 school shoes, yet he spends $27 a night on alcohol) the best of which is 'drug addicts should just get wiped clean off the planet' yet he is a freaking drunk.
I explained I left him on the couch because I didn't need his stinking snoring but beside me in bed.
I told him I was a better parent without him around.
I told him I had the $ saved and the means to leave if I needed too.
I answered honestly when it asked me if he had friends - the answer is no.
I pointed out that not only does he hate his own alcoholic father but he is turning in to him very quickly.
I told him that our kids would hate him as much as he hates his own father, and that he would deserve that hate.
I let it be known that his drinking has hurt my own career which was put on hold to raise our kids, and that I hate leaving my kids with him so I can work at night in the hospital.
I told him that I had no interest in sex with him, because sex really is not porn. Sex is pretty flipping normal for average people.
I let loose on that form needless to say. And I know he has to hear it all and more, but I worry that maybe it was too much too soon? I only worry because he didn't call tonight. And he never misses his 10 minute phone time.
I know, he will either deal with it our GTFO of my home.
Sigh. None of this is easy.
However his councillor called me and asked me to do some homework to send in that my 'husband' would have to read out loud in group therapy.
I was brutally honest in the assignment, and made it clear that he was no longer the most important person in our family, and that other will come first or he is out of here.
I pointed out the two times he has slapped me and how he has never ever apologized.
I gave a couple examples of his stupidity and double standards (how dare I buy our kid $40 school shoes, yet he spends $27 a night on alcohol) the best of which is 'drug addicts should just get wiped clean off the planet' yet he is a freaking drunk.
I explained I left him on the couch because I didn't need his stinking snoring but beside me in bed.
I told him I was a better parent without him around.
I told him I had the $ saved and the means to leave if I needed too.
I answered honestly when it asked me if he had friends - the answer is no.
I pointed out that not only does he hate his own alcoholic father but he is turning in to him very quickly.
I told him that our kids would hate him as much as he hates his own father, and that he would deserve that hate.
I let it be known that his drinking has hurt my own career which was put on hold to raise our kids, and that I hate leaving my kids with him so I can work at night in the hospital.
I told him that I had no interest in sex with him, because sex really is not porn. Sex is pretty flipping normal for average people.
I let loose on that form needless to say. And I know he has to hear it all and more, but I worry that maybe it was too much too soon? I only worry because he didn't call tonight. And he never misses his 10 minute phone time.
I know, he will either deal with it our GTFO of my home.
Sigh. None of this is easy.
Hugs for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Eight days in, that would be a pretty bitter pill to swallow, but that honesty is totally respectable IMHO.
I would keep the letter and refer to it whenever I was craving.
Good for you for saying what you have been holding back all that time. Must have been liberating to get it out there.
I would keep the letter and refer to it whenever I was craving.
Good for you for saying what you have been holding back all that time. Must have been liberating to get it out there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
I don't think you went to far. It is what it is and needed to be said sooner or later. Maybe this will be the bonk on the head he needs to change his life.
Good for you! You must feel so much lighter now.
Good for you! You must feel so much lighter now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya 
He has gone too far. Not you.
Peace.
Peace.
My thinking though was there any counsel for you in doing this assignment?
Do they have an outreach for family, not just showing up if when he graduates.
What you did was admirable, honest, intensive,
and helped the rehab accomplish their treatment practices....
you aren't responsible for his illness nor his treatment. I think it would have been alright also if you said no to the counselor's request.
Maybe you can share your present thoughts and feelings you've written here with the same counselor regarding the assignment.
You are a caring person worthy of your own recovery.
but if the rehab looks for help outside of their own resources I may inquire if they would be supportive of you, explain their methods, and what might be expected from him.
Without guidance some measures could be counter-productive.
I'm not being negative.
I'm more interested in your recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 55
As far as recovery, I feel like I am there already. I met this crap head on a year ago when I decided to stop drinking (my lone glass of wine on Saturday nd Sundays), lose 60 pounds and start obstacle racing. Someone had to be healthy and set a good example for our kids.
However, I have watched him deteriorate ever since. Due to his drinking, I pretty much run our family like he doesn't exist, and get pretty mad when his rare dry evening screws up our schedule
When he isn't drinking he is an awesome Dad (but he gets the role of fun time daddy where I get to be the boring bad guy) and he never fails to provide very well for us. I also made that clear in the letter too.
There is nothing here I haven't said to him before, but when he is dead sober in recovery, hopefully raw beaten down and open, it may be hard to hear. I want it to be hard to hear, but I want him to call and ask or talk about it too. I just worry that he will disregard my feelings in this situation, because currently he is only worried about being useless for our kids (he has to start somewhere I know). Yup. Typical Codie right there folks.
His rehab center runs a program for family members, I would love to attend but there are currently no spots available until AH comes home. I am not thrilled with the idea of leaving him with the kids just yet. I possibly could go next week, but finding child care for the full time, booking the flight, begging for time off work, and being apart from my kids is a bit much right now.
Plus, I am totally enjoying my vacation from him in my home.
However, I have watched him deteriorate ever since. Due to his drinking, I pretty much run our family like he doesn't exist, and get pretty mad when his rare dry evening screws up our schedule
When he isn't drinking he is an awesome Dad (but he gets the role of fun time daddy where I get to be the boring bad guy) and he never fails to provide very well for us. I also made that clear in the letter too. There is nothing here I haven't said to him before, but when he is dead sober in recovery, hopefully raw beaten down and open, it may be hard to hear. I want it to be hard to hear, but I want him to call and ask or talk about it too. I just worry that he will disregard my feelings in this situation, because currently he is only worried about being useless for our kids (he has to start somewhere I know). Yup. Typical Codie right there folks.
His rehab center runs a program for family members, I would love to attend but there are currently no spots available until AH comes home. I am not thrilled with the idea of leaving him with the kids just yet. I possibly could go next week, but finding child care for the full time, booking the flight, begging for time off work, and being apart from my kids is a bit much right now.
Plus, I am totally enjoying my vacation from him in my home.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Good on the Hard Ass. If "love" was going to cure this, NONE of us would be here.
As far as the Family Stuff -- Have to tell you this.
At first I was sort of bitter at the way Mrs. Hammer's rehab center pretty much f-overed our family.
.
BUT
then watching the typical low-quality of rehab centers that do have family support . . . not sure we missed anything. Let alone the cost of the travel, time-off etc. Bottom line is the folks in Rehab world aint exactly the Best and Brightest of T-Land.
Instead I would STRONGLY suggest some good local, likely less expensive, known good and competent T for you and the kids, if desired, as well as Alanon, and Alateen, if available.
As far as the Family Stuff -- Have to tell you this.
At first I was sort of bitter at the way Mrs. Hammer's rehab center pretty much f-overed our family.
.
BUT
then watching the typical low-quality of rehab centers that do have family support . . . not sure we missed anything. Let alone the cost of the travel, time-off etc. Bottom line is the folks in Rehab world aint exactly the Best and Brightest of T-Land.
Instead I would STRONGLY suggest some good local, likely less expensive, known good and competent T for you and the kids, if desired, as well as Alanon, and Alateen, if available.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by LovesVWs
My alcoholic, gambling, OCD anxiety riddled common law partner entered Rehab 8 days ago. Yay for that!
However his councillor called me and asked me to do some homework to send in that my 'husband' would have to read out loud in group therapy.
I worry that maybe it was too much too soon? I only worry because he didn't call tonight.
However his councillor called me and asked me to do some homework to send in that my 'husband' would have to read out loud in group therapy.
I worry that maybe it was too much too soon? I only worry because he didn't call tonight.
They asked.
You provided.
They will help with the follow through on the assignment.
The rest is up to him.
Keep reaching out for your own support. You are worth the effort!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 55
Going on day 3 he hasn't called. I am wondering who read that letter? Was it the guy who has been beaten down in therapy? Or the narcissist who doesn't think his drinking affected me at all? Time will tell.
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