two steps back
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
two steps back
I think I just took two (or a couple!) of steps back regarding my XABF.
Although the road to recovery has been difficult, affirmations and what I call re-wiring my brain with new healthy thoughts and behaviors have helped me tremendously. Things such as looking in the mirror and telling myself that I love myself, setting new boundaries with family and friends, thanking my HP for creating a beautiful day each morning, telling myself that all is well and that all I need shall be provided today, being grateful, and thanking my HP for the good things that are already on their way.
However. A few days ago my XABF called. He usually calls once a day to speak with our son, so that wasn't unusual. He spoke with our three year old son, then after that he asked to speak with me and he began telling me about a festival he really wanted to attend, but that it conflicted with his visitation hours. He said, "Well, how about the three of us go then? I will pay for everything." I knew in my heart that I should say, "NO!" but what did I do instead? I said, "Let me check my schedule." He seemed excited and said, "Well, just let me know. I have everything covered, it should be fun." He also called me by the nickname only my immediate family members call me.
As soon as I hung up, I felt a mix of shame (because I know better!) and, as much as I hate to admit, a bit of happiness. I am sure my ex knows that the fantasy of the "three of us" as a family is what really gets to my heart, my soul. But that's all it is, a fantasy. Whenever the three of us would do family things in the past, it would always be ruined by his excessive drinking, explosive temper, or extreme selfishness (during previous family outings, he he would often say "I got sh*t to do" and always seemed to have one foot out the door). He was/is an active A. I now understand that active As cannot love others or hold healthy relationships with others, but previous to my recovery, I held on by the smallest thread of hope.
We should be kind to ourselves in our recovery, but I almost immediately began beating myself up over my answer to his request. I began feeling more shame, then anxiety, frustration, and anger. I couldn't concentrate on the book I need to read for school. I kept shifting in my seat. I was wondering why he asked out of the blue. And wondering why I didn't just say no like I should have. And just like that, the co-dependent crazies were coming out again!
A few minutes later, he texted to forget about the festival because it was actually too far out of town. I didn't respond to his text, but I continued feeling off-balance and anxious. In fact, I have been in a funk since then.
I keep reminding myself that our custody arrangements are for the best. I have full custody and my ex has supervised visitation due to his drinking (his new wife acts as the supervisor). (BTW, His request also struck me as odd because he mentioned it would be "the three of us," which means his wife wouldn't be there AND it also goes against the custody order. No point in trying to figure that out the way an active A thinks, though.)
How have others handled this in recovery? A few steps forward, then in almost an instant, things seem to slide back to where they were? Although I still feel off-balance, I am now empowered with knowledge about the true nature of alcoholism and, perhaps more importantly, I am also empowered by trusting my HP and the process of recovery by continuing to move forward and take healthy action.
My ex and his wife just picked up my son for their visitation. Although I still feel a bit anxious, I already put on my make-up and a nice dress and I am ready for my day (work at a coffeeshop, a quick library trip, and then I will go off to a friend's film screening).
I have been repeating this quote: "Take yourself out. Then you will always have a date with destiny."
Peace,
Butterfly2013
Although the road to recovery has been difficult, affirmations and what I call re-wiring my brain with new healthy thoughts and behaviors have helped me tremendously. Things such as looking in the mirror and telling myself that I love myself, setting new boundaries with family and friends, thanking my HP for creating a beautiful day each morning, telling myself that all is well and that all I need shall be provided today, being grateful, and thanking my HP for the good things that are already on their way.
However. A few days ago my XABF called. He usually calls once a day to speak with our son, so that wasn't unusual. He spoke with our three year old son, then after that he asked to speak with me and he began telling me about a festival he really wanted to attend, but that it conflicted with his visitation hours. He said, "Well, how about the three of us go then? I will pay for everything." I knew in my heart that I should say, "NO!" but what did I do instead? I said, "Let me check my schedule." He seemed excited and said, "Well, just let me know. I have everything covered, it should be fun." He also called me by the nickname only my immediate family members call me.
As soon as I hung up, I felt a mix of shame (because I know better!) and, as much as I hate to admit, a bit of happiness. I am sure my ex knows that the fantasy of the "three of us" as a family is what really gets to my heart, my soul. But that's all it is, a fantasy. Whenever the three of us would do family things in the past, it would always be ruined by his excessive drinking, explosive temper, or extreme selfishness (during previous family outings, he he would often say "I got sh*t to do" and always seemed to have one foot out the door). He was/is an active A. I now understand that active As cannot love others or hold healthy relationships with others, but previous to my recovery, I held on by the smallest thread of hope.
We should be kind to ourselves in our recovery, but I almost immediately began beating myself up over my answer to his request. I began feeling more shame, then anxiety, frustration, and anger. I couldn't concentrate on the book I need to read for school. I kept shifting in my seat. I was wondering why he asked out of the blue. And wondering why I didn't just say no like I should have. And just like that, the co-dependent crazies were coming out again!
A few minutes later, he texted to forget about the festival because it was actually too far out of town. I didn't respond to his text, but I continued feeling off-balance and anxious. In fact, I have been in a funk since then.
I keep reminding myself that our custody arrangements are for the best. I have full custody and my ex has supervised visitation due to his drinking (his new wife acts as the supervisor). (BTW, His request also struck me as odd because he mentioned it would be "the three of us," which means his wife wouldn't be there AND it also goes against the custody order. No point in trying to figure that out the way an active A thinks, though.)
How have others handled this in recovery? A few steps forward, then in almost an instant, things seem to slide back to where they were? Although I still feel off-balance, I am now empowered with knowledge about the true nature of alcoholism and, perhaps more importantly, I am also empowered by trusting my HP and the process of recovery by continuing to move forward and take healthy action.
My ex and his wife just picked up my son for their visitation. Although I still feel a bit anxious, I already put on my make-up and a nice dress and I am ready for my day (work at a coffeeshop, a quick library trip, and then I will go off to a friend's film screening).
I have been repeating this quote: "Take yourself out. Then you will always have a date with destiny."
Peace,
Butterfly2013
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Progress....not Perfection. We're all human, so we're going to have those moments when we step back. Be gentle with yourself. Bump in the road, so re-group and move forward. If you get caught off guard like that, it's okay to call back and say you've decided getting together really won't work for you right now. Period.
LOVE the date with destiny quote!
LOVE the date with destiny quote!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
You've come a long way and it hasn't been easy. Big time congrats for that.
But you really need to cut loose any thoughts of trusting anything this guy says or does.
He's playin' you just like a fish. When you're fishing and you get one on the line you pull them in for a while and then let the line out for a while before reeling them in. Keeps them off balance and tires them out.
This guy is a serial lying scum ball. He hunts for victims and says or does ANYTHING to use them.
Maybe check out getting some therapy so that you can recognize the reasons you're attracted to such a weasel. And no, his "redeeming qualities" don't count.
But you really need to cut loose any thoughts of trusting anything this guy says or does.
A few minutes later, he texted to forget about the festival because it was actually too far out of town. I didn't respond to his text, but I continued feeling off-balance and anxious. In fact, I have been in a funk since then.
This guy is a serial lying scum ball. He hunts for victims and says or does ANYTHING to use them.
Maybe check out getting some therapy so that you can recognize the reasons you're attracted to such a weasel. And no, his "redeeming qualities" don't count.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Thanks, Recovering2! Thank you for the reminder to be gentle with myself and I especially like the finality of "That won't work for me right now. Period." No further explanation to him is necessary. Setting and keeping new boundaries takes work and time, but I do believe I am progressing bit by bit, even though I slipped up.
ClearLight, yes, I agree, I should be skeptical about anything my ex says. His actions have shown time and time again that he is untrustworthy and that his words/promises don't mean anything. The fishing analogy makes a lot of sense. Here is where no contact is great in the sense that he cannot "hook" me any longer, but it is difficult to do since we are (attempting) to co-parent our son. I messed up with that last phone call, but I have resumed simply answering the phone, letting him speak to our son, and then hanging up right away. As little contact as possible with him is the way to go.
I am not attracted to him in that romantic sense anymore, although I am still grieving the family that I never had and never will have with him and our son. I am working on feeling my feelings and letting them go. Once I have regular weekday childcare again, I will be able to resume counseling. The road to recovery is hard, but I believe in my HP's plan for me.
Hope everyone is having a happy weekend!
ClearLight, yes, I agree, I should be skeptical about anything my ex says. His actions have shown time and time again that he is untrustworthy and that his words/promises don't mean anything. The fishing analogy makes a lot of sense. Here is where no contact is great in the sense that he cannot "hook" me any longer, but it is difficult to do since we are (attempting) to co-parent our son. I messed up with that last phone call, but I have resumed simply answering the phone, letting him speak to our son, and then hanging up right away. As little contact as possible with him is the way to go.
I am not attracted to him in that romantic sense anymore, although I am still grieving the family that I never had and never will have with him and our son. I am working on feeling my feelings and letting them go. Once I have regular weekday childcare again, I will be able to resume counseling. The road to recovery is hard, but I believe in my HP's plan for me.
Hope everyone is having a happy weekend!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Thank you for your post. It seems like you have such a good attitude and focus. When you describe how you go through the day, just reading it made me feel light and happy.
You took the bait from your ex and then immediately were told by your own reactions that it was a bad idea.
So why did you do it? Was it the ideal of a family, or was it something else?
I was in a very similar situation with AXH just after the divorce. I agreed to something and let me tell you, the way you described your reaction was exactly how I felt. I talked to a good friend who asked "Why did you say yes? You're no longer married to him. He never had the right to boss you around but now he has even less right. You don't have to be scared to say no to him anymore." I still felt like because I had said yes, I wasn't allowed to change my mind. But my friend convinced me that texting AXH and backing out was totally OK if that's what I wanted. So I did and he was furious. How dared I?
And that's when I realized that, as clear light said, it was never about what he initially wanted me to do - it was only about testing if he could still have power over and intimidate me.
I think you have a great attitude and outlook, and I don't think this will in any way be a permanent setback for you. You did something that you realized wasn't healthy for you. Next time you'll know not to.
I hope you're having a great day.
You took the bait from your ex and then immediately were told by your own reactions that it was a bad idea.
So why did you do it? Was it the ideal of a family, or was it something else?
I was in a very similar situation with AXH just after the divorce. I agreed to something and let me tell you, the way you described your reaction was exactly how I felt. I talked to a good friend who asked "Why did you say yes? You're no longer married to him. He never had the right to boss you around but now he has even less right. You don't have to be scared to say no to him anymore." I still felt like because I had said yes, I wasn't allowed to change my mind. But my friend convinced me that texting AXH and backing out was totally OK if that's what I wanted. So I did and he was furious. How dared I?
And that's when I realized that, as clear light said, it was never about what he initially wanted me to do - it was only about testing if he could still have power over and intimidate me.
I think you have a great attitude and outlook, and I don't think this will in any way be a permanent setback for you. You did something that you realized wasn't healthy for you. Next time you'll know not to.
I hope you're having a great day.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
AlcoholicLove, I agree!! No point in figuring his behavior out whatsoever.
Thanks, lillamy! I'm happy my post brought you a little bit of lightness today Hmmm, your question really got me thinking. Why *did* I take the bait? I think I need to do some journaling and meditating. Perhaps a good talk with a friend. Maybe working step one again.
Thanks, everyone, for believing in me. Looking at this as a small set-back is definitely putting me back on the right path.
Thanks, lillamy! I'm happy my post brought you a little bit of lightness today
Hmmm, your question really got me thinking. Why *did* I take the bait? I think I need to do some journaling and meditating. Perhaps a good talk with a friend. Maybe working step one again.Thanks, everyone, for believing in me. Looking at this as a small set-back is definitely putting me back on the right path.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: West Coast
Posts: 24
I've done similar things myself. It helps me when I think of it as another step on the journey. It's not a step back because it's not possible for me to go back, only forward.
It seems like you were really aware of your reactions to what happened. Everything you've done so far has prepared you to receive the insights that you are now having as a result of the incident. That's not a setback, that's progress! Wishing you continued strength moving forward.
It seems like you were really aware of your reactions to what happened. Everything you've done so far has prepared you to receive the insights that you are now having as a result of the incident. That's not a setback, that's progress! Wishing you continued strength moving forward.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
I'm definitely feeling the good, encouraging vibes from these posts. BoxOfRocks, I especially like how you pointed out all my previous experiences have brought me to this point and I am now stronger, more aware, and empowered.
I am now learning to accept situations, people, experiences as they are and as they come and understanding that there is a larger plan that will truly work out for the best. (Meditation has some of the same goals, here. I just read The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success and much of it resonates so well with Al-Alon and Melody Beattie books.) One day at a time!
I am now learning to accept situations, people, experiences as they are and as they come and understanding that there is a larger plan that will truly work out for the best. (Meditation has some of the same goals, here. I just read The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success and much of it resonates so well with Al-Alon and Melody Beattie books.) One day at a time!
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