Woodman123

Hello all- Woodman here again. So, I have been really struggling with my emotions as of late, particularly with regard to expectations of my RAW- in this case "R" stands for both recovering and relapsing! I have read many passages here on SR, and many touch on this topic in part, but I haven't really gotten the perspective I need so I decided to post new.

So, My RAW has been hospitalized for detox, been to inpatient rehab for detox/28-day counseling, and most recently overdosed on presciption medication while drunk, necessitating intensive care unit treatment and obligatory psychiatric evaluation (she was deemed OK and not depressed or further suicidal risk). However, she has yet to truly start the IOP that has been repeatedly arranged- did attend several assessments, but always a reason to not formally attend the program and also because she'd quickly relapse leading to yet another hospital visit). In addition, she has yet to attend an AA meeting, and we are about 3 weeks out of her last rehab, and 2 weeks from the overdose event. I do sense she seems more 'committed' to working a program after the overdose, to which she credits more attention-seeking and stupidity than truly suicidal behavior. Nevertheless, she seems to realize how bad this could have been, so my heart wants to believe that she'll really do better this time. My problem is that she continues to drink in a hidden manner- several times after rehab, and then at least 3 separate times in the 10 days or so after hospitalization for overdose. Can't say that it's daily, but don't know for sure. Early on, I was willing to accept some relapse behavior if she was really aggressive with working an IOP program and attending AA regularly. But seeing as how this hasn't even gotten off the ground, and she continues to drink, I am having trouble setting my expectations for what constitutes a serious commitment from her. Should i be willing to tolerate a 'slip' or two a week IF she is really going to group and otherwise trying to embrace the program, or should the expectation be to not have another drop this early on. Maybe after a longer period of time, once she has truly learned the coping skills and lived sober, then it would be better to accept an occasional slip?

As always, thanks to the wisdom of the collective

lillamy

I don't know what is reasonable to expect -- I left my A before the idea of rehab became palatable to him -- but I think... what is reasonable and what is acceptable to you may be different things?

I don't know what you can expect from an R/RA (making up a new acronym here). But I do know that Woodman, like every other human being on this planet, you have an absolute right to decide for yourself what you find acceptable. What you want in your life.

What are you willing to tolerate? What are your boundaries? I'm not sure anyone else can figure that out for you. For me, I set boundaries and AXH walked right through them and I let him. I've sworn off the "what ifs" but there are still times when I wonder if we had both ended up better off if I hadn't allowed him to do that. If I had set my boundaries and left when he violated them.

Woodman123

Thanks Lillamy... I certainly appreciate your points, and yes, I agree that it's nearly impossible for folks to set expectations for others. I guess where i was going with this is the difficulty in understanding how an alcoholic feels. I have read plenty on the subject, and definitely appreciate that it robs the person of judgement, motivation, sense of right/wrong, etc. So, I'm trying to frame things with a sense of reason. If asked what I think is think is reasonable, it would be total abstinence. But what I think I might be willing to accept is something a little less, and the reason for that is history. i have been married 23 years, and other than the last 4 or so years in which the disease has taken so much from us, my wife was a wonderfully caring, productive and responsible mother and partner. So as hard as the past 4 years, and especially the past several months have been, I want to give her a chance, and that's where it's tough to really draw a hard line in the sand.

SparkleKitty

Woodman, if you have some time you may want to read some of the threads in the Alcoholism or the Newcomers to Recovery forum. Every couple of days someone in one of those forums poses a question about moderation. I have found the typical responses very enlightening. I think a lot of the RAs on those forums would tell you that there isn't any such thing as "a little less than total abstinence."

You might also consider how many chances you have already given her over the last four years. At some point, you have to give yourself a chance, too.

LexieCat

No, moderation DOESN'T work. I tried for four and a half years and my life still looked pretty good from the outside.

Your wife is not "recovering" nor is she "relapsing." She is just continuing to drink, albeit (temporarily) a little less than she was. It won't stay at that level. She is giving lip service to recovery PLANS but not doing anything about them. I get it, what she is doing. In AA's Big Book they refer to it as "wanting to want to quit." But she still doesn't want it--isn't desperate enough--to actually DO anything about it.

Trying to figure out her thinking may be an interesting exercise, but it will not help either one of you. Have you tried figuring out YOUR thinking? Why you continue to accept this ever-more-alarming behavior, when she is showing no signs of willingness to do whatever it takes to stop?

fedupbeyondall

If I had a dollar for every time my AH "cut back" and lasted more than a couple of weeks.....well let's just say I wouldn't be buying a pack of gum anytime soon. JMHO, when you have an addiction to something there isn't any such thing as moderation. And yes, check out the newcomers threads. They have been an enlightening insight into the process of becoming an RA as well as seeing the people who have tried the moderation route and their struggles.

GracieLou

This the best statement I have ever heard about expectations.

"Expectations are just premeditated resentments"

This is how I have come to look at it. I can't expect anyone to do what I want or what I think they should do. If I do that then I will create a resentment if it does not go how I have planned or wished it to be.

I do feel though that what you are willing to accept is a much healthier and realistic view. Set your own level and go from there.

Woodman123

THANKS ALL! Your collectives insigths are very helpful, and empowering. And yes, I have started to look at the newcomers forum to better 'understand' what the alcoholic is experiencing.

snipe

I'm an alcoholic, currently in recovery. I heard once that addicts that have tried to recover once are either in recovery or in relapse. They are either working on their recovery and getting better (even if slipping) or they are not and are getting worse (even if sober). That maps to my experience from the last time I was sober for a few years. After 18 months or so, I stopped working on my program and a few months later was on the road to relapse without realizing it. I had stopped working my program and then a few relatively minor life disruptions occured and I talked myself into believing I could just drink for 1 weekend. It took me 6 months to hit bottom again, surrender, and make my recovery the most important thing in my life.

It sounds to me like she is not in recovery. Making excuses for not starting IOP and using regularly is not recovery behavior. Signs of "real" recovery behavior for someone in early recovery is taking direction from others and doing whatever it takes to stay sober. I've gotten sober 3 times (hopefully third time is the charm) and each time it required me to place sobriety ahead of everything else and spend hours/day:

Going to at least one meeting a day
Talking to another alcoholic every day
Praying in the morning and evening
Reading recovery literature
Not drinking even if it meant taking it minute by minute or hour by hour

That's just my experience. Your mileage may vary but for me in early sobriety, either my sobriety is everything or it is nothing.