MaxieJ

Hi forum!
I posted a few days ago about my CDMom and AB; she accuses me of not being "supportive" of her. As a third party and wife of my own AH, I know to remain neutral and not touch their situation with a 10-ft pole.

>>I have thought maybe I could send her a card with an inspirational message once a week. Lots of good ideas for quotes on this site - thanks!

So, folks who have been there, how would you feel about that, if you received a card in the mail in the midst of your A hitting bottom, and you in denial about your own problem still?

Hmm. So reading back I do realize this is a "moot" question. I will feel better sending the cards. She, oc, will get angry about it. No matter what I do or don't do it displeases her - but that belongs to her not me.

Still, if there is anyone out there who can say yes, it would have been touching to receive an inspirational message card, it would go a long ways toward me actually doing it.

Namaste,
MaxieJ

LexieCat

Frankly, the cards would NOT have a good effect on me. To me, they would feel manipulative. Like a sly little nagging message wrapped in something sweet.

But that's me. You can send the cards, just be sure to let go of the outcome if she isn't pleased.

funkynassau

I'm not an alcoholic but if I was I dont think I'd appreciate your cards. You may mean well, but I think I'd feel you were meddling in my life and that if you really cared, you'd talk to me.

Florence

I wouldn't meddle with her.

That said, I get a daily affirmation from the Hazelden website by email that you can sign YOURSELF up for. It will help you remember to be kind but firm in your relationships.

theuncertainty

I've got the same situation with my (ACOA) mom and her AB and his A daughter. I try to be supportive, but after a few minutes of talking about what's going on with their family and her reaction to it, I usually just end up saying "He ( or 'they') keeps doing the same thing over and over. Why are you surprised?" Not very helpful, I know; my patience isn't there anymore. I love her AB and his kids and grandkids, but sheesh, I love them more from 2000 miles away.

Maybe it's just my mom, but a motivational card would either 1. tick her off to no end or 2. be taken as proof that I want to discuss ad naseum what she's dealing with. Neither scenario is something I'd want.

When talking with her sometimes, when dealing with him is really wreaking havoc on her equilibrium, I try to approach the conversation as if I were holding it with someone on SR: offer my ESH and remind her she has options, and then stop when I've done that, sometimes more gracefully than others.

SparkleKitty

When your mother whips out the "you're not being supportive" card, she has a very specific idea of what "being supportive" entails. But you probably already know that.

It feels a little passive aggressive to send the motivational messages. If the purpose is not truly to motivate her, but to relieve the feelings of guilt you allow yourself to feel because of her accusations, then maybe back up a step. You don't owe her the support she wants, the way she wants it. You have genuine support to offer, but it doesn't look the way she wants it too. Ah well.

I used to be a big fan of the show Intervention. My opinion of it has changed a lot since I started reading in these forums more, but the one thing that has stuck with me is that when the addict asks for help but doesn't like the solution offered, the interventionist would often say, "This is what help looks like." Beggars, as they say, can't be choosers. You are an adult, and your mom doesn't get to tell you how to do things anymore.

Spend your energy on your life and your kids and all that. SHOW your mom what recovery looks like, instead of TELLING her. It will have a much more powerful impact.

MaxieJ

THANK YOU! everyone so much for your honest input. I had this idea bc I had a cousin who was overseas military and she bragged about how she sent him a card every week or two and he gushed about how much it meant to him. Totally different situation, I know, but, well, so this would not be good obviously. Really I meant well by the idea.

It is really hard seeing a loved one being dragged down with an A, esp when I've been there and am now in a place of acceptance and peace. Hopefully one day my mom will understand my detachment from the situation is necessary for my own mental health.

And no, I don't know exactly what type of "support" she wants from me. Custody hearing was yesterday (AB is widower and CDMom is taking his kids) and today I must gather the strength to check in on her - boundaries at the ready! I shall ask her. Maybe there IS something I can do that will be mutually satisfying. Why guess? We all know what happens when we assume.

Thanks again y'all for sharing your insights.

Namaste
MaxieJ

SparkleKitty

Right? A nice elegant step. Then you can make an informed decision about what you are or aren't willing to do. Good luck!

MaxieJ

Well, the deed is done. Checked in. Mom gets kids for 90 days. I specifically asked her three times what I can do that will be mutually satisfying and she has no answer.

I am so sad for her. She says that there will never be an end to her suffering. My sincerest prayer for her is that she finds peace.

After this conversation, I accept that things will not be the same between us. Alcoholism is a family disease, and another relationship goes down as collateral damage. I will keep working on my own self and family. I will have to find a way to build a new relationship with mom. She may not think there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I always do. I have to.

I am truly thankful for the SR community for being available for guidance during what has been a difficult week. I will keep lurking and reading as needed, but it is time for me to move past this roadbump; that means spending less time lurking and reading

Namaste
MaxieJ