Dublin

But hoping this is coming to an end. I gave it all I had and probably stayed longer than I should but even in recovery my RA finds me to blame for everything and constantly finds new ways to hurt. So enough. I'm going to alanon meetings, as many as I can make. I need to work the steps now, have been doing it myself but not in a structured way. I am going to get a sponsor and work them fully now. I have told RA that instead of couples counselling tomorrow I am going on my own to the counsellor. I am looking forward to getting better.

I have two beautiful daughters that deserve a healthy mother and a strong role model they don't need to see unhealthy relationships. I am praying tonight for the strength to believe in myself and to go it alone. Any and all support greatly appreciated. I have threatened this course of action many times but never followed through. I may fail agin this time but sometime it has to stick. This time I have made no threats I have not argued or defended myself or reacted or joined in any bad behaviour this time I am making a quiet promise to myself to accept no more. To be stronger. To seek something better than this. I am trying to hand it over. I am seeking strength from something or someone greater than me. Very sad and tired but I feel strong. I hope I have the strength this time to walk away. I want to feel proud of myself again instead of angry, guilty, pathetic and sad. Time to call it a day. Time to move on and seek pastures greener.

dandylion

Dublin, you do have the strenght that you desire!! You already have all the strenght inside of you that you will ever need. We all do. It is just that many of us have never realized that.

This is the thing about strength---even for those of us who feel weak and frightened and small---the strength comes to us at exactly the moment we need it. We never know how much strength we really do have until courage is the only option!!! All you have to do is read on this forum long enough and you will see this demonstrated over and over and over again. So many came here in desperation and feeling hopelessly broken---only to begin believing in themselves and the possibility of creating a better tomorrow. When they needed the courage, it showed up.

Very wise of you to go to the counseling alone--for yourself. You are so correct that couples counseling is a waste of time with an active alcoholic.

Someone posted today that the desire to want to leave is the only justification one needs. that is enough. It is o.k. to leave when it just isn't working---for whatever reason.

Carry on.

dandylion

Dublin

Thanks Dandylion your wisdom and kind words have reached me so many times. I think somewhere in me I know I have the strength but the belief in that strength falters when it comes to crunch time. My alanon meeting today was on the topic of fear and I think fear has kept me in this relationship. Fear of being alone, fear of what others will think, fear of being unloveable, fear of financial hardship. None of these fears are reason to stay and they will remain fears until I take them on. It's time to take them on. I hope by writing here as I have before I can find some peace to get to sleep and in the morning I can take on what needs to be done. I'm glad I get to go to counselling tomorrow.

Thanks again Dandylion and I'll keep you posted. Xx

Rosiepetal

I think there comes a time when you just know it's the right time.
It sounds to me like this is your right time.
Your post shows so many positives & I am sure you can do it.
Good luck.

LexieCat

Well, here's another thought. You don't have to believe in your own strength to do what you need to do. Did you ever see Star Wars? Remember Yoda? "Do. Or do not. There is no 'try'." Sometimes we need to just push forward whether we THINK we can do it or not.

dandylion

Dublin---it's one baby step at a time---one day at a time. The serenity prayer---and letting go and letting God.

You can do it---and you will.

dandylion

bobbysocks

Dublin, dandylion is so right. Let go and let God. You can do this. And you will. You have support here. Its taken me awhile to come to my point of no return too, but Im not going back now. Hang in there! WE CAN DO THIS!

Dublin

Thanks all for your support. I had something resembling a night's sleep, a few hours anyway and don't feel too bad. Glad I have counselling this eve.

Gonna really try to let go and let god today, although still unsure what god is for me. Thanks again.

sadielady

Dublin,

I agree you probably have far more strength than you believe you have. You are taking steps for yourself and your girls, for a healthier life ahead, and it sounds like you're having all the fears that come with something as huge as that. Dublin, that isn't weak was or lack of strength, that's humanity and your mind and body and soul are talking to you. It sounds to me like you're doing an amazing job. Keep faith in yourself, and keep coming back here for support. You sound plenty brave and strong to me.

izzyrose05

Dublin,

Like you, I have two beautiful daughters and a now XABF that has found unimaginable ways to hurt and humiliate me. It actually boggles my mind how he can sleep at night.

But, after the second fall off the wagon when I was with him. I made a promise to my daughters and to myself that if it ever happened again, I was gone. It did happen again. And I walked. And it's hard every day. Some days harder than others.

But I feel proud of myself and more importantly HEALTHY. You are moving forward and gaining strength EVERY single day! You know it. You've got this and YOU WILL DO IT.

Working the program is going to keep you strong. Keep your daughters your focus in your decision making and you will always choose the right path.

My thoughts are with you and your girls!!!