Did a dumb thing: background check
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
Did a dumb thing: background check
So I've been feeling strong in my NC and just did something I realized was totally stupid and unhealthy. I just spent 45 minutes trying to find a free or low-cost reputable background check to check my exABF. I know he has a couple infractions but I was curious and went looking.
I think the universe was screaming STOPPpppoppPPP becaus when I picked one and PAID (doh!) it was a scam of some sort and came up with bunk. I submitted a claim for reimbursement for bait and switch, but it serves me right!!
I actually laughed out loud at how much I was deluding myself in those minutes, and how glad I am I didn't actually get a report.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't help me.
It's unhealthy.
It's not NC.
It's not moving forward.
It's not caring for myself.
So I'm glad it didn't work. But I needed to 'fess up here what I'd just done. Not good. Need to cleanse in some way, it felt BAD in a way I haven't so much these last few weeks.
(Not beating myself up, just being honest, the full disclosure helps me not so this kind of crap again. Accountability to you all at SR has meant a lot to me).
Thanks for any reading
I think the universe was screaming STOPPpppoppPPP becaus when I picked one and PAID (doh!) it was a scam of some sort and came up with bunk. I submitted a claim for reimbursement for bait and switch, but it serves me right!!
I actually laughed out loud at how much I was deluding myself in those minutes, and how glad I am I didn't actually get a report.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't help me.
It's unhealthy.
It's not NC.
It's not moving forward.
It's not caring for myself.
So I'm glad it didn't work. But I needed to 'fess up here what I'd just done. Not good. Need to cleanse in some way, it felt BAD in a way I haven't so much these last few weeks.
(Not beating myself up, just being honest, the full disclosure helps me not so this kind of crap again. Accountability to you all at SR has meant a lot to me).
Thanks for any reading
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
OMG, Sadie. I did the same thing this morning. We must be connected in some weird way.
When it got to the part where I had to pay, I stopped. I don't know why exactly. It wasn't the money--it was like 20 bucks. Maybe I didn't want them having my card number or something. Maybe I knew I shouldn't go any further.
Anyway, I am six months into "recovery"! I should not be doing something like this!! (You are excused).
I wanted to know if he had any DUIs. People talk so much on here about DUIs that it seems incredible to me that my ex purportedly never got one. One time he asked me to ask my friend who is an attorney what his friend who got a DUI should do. The way he downplayed the DUI and the fact I had never heard of the friend who supposedly got it, made me feel like it was actually my ex's DUI.
While the background check was supposedly downloading, I felt sick to my stomach--probably because I knew I was doing something totally stupid. Do I need to know that he lied to me even more than I thought he did? It would hurt so much, and there is absolutely nothing I can do with the information besides carry it around and stew about it.
What does it even matter anyway? I know he is a drunk, and I know he drives that way--I've seen him. Whether he's been caught or not is purely chance. I think I was just looking for proof that he has not gone through life totally unscathed by his drinking.
I didn't think it was a huge relapse until I saw your post. I guess it was, wasn't it?
What were you looking for?
When it got to the part where I had to pay, I stopped. I don't know why exactly. It wasn't the money--it was like 20 bucks. Maybe I didn't want them having my card number or something. Maybe I knew I shouldn't go any further.
Anyway, I am six months into "recovery"! I should not be doing something like this!! (You are excused).
I wanted to know if he had any DUIs. People talk so much on here about DUIs that it seems incredible to me that my ex purportedly never got one. One time he asked me to ask my friend who is an attorney what his friend who got a DUI should do. The way he downplayed the DUI and the fact I had never heard of the friend who supposedly got it, made me feel like it was actually my ex's DUI.
While the background check was supposedly downloading, I felt sick to my stomach--probably because I knew I was doing something totally stupid. Do I need to know that he lied to me even more than I thought he did? It would hurt so much, and there is absolutely nothing I can do with the information besides carry it around and stew about it.
What does it even matter anyway? I know he is a drunk, and I know he drives that way--I've seen him. Whether he's been caught or not is purely chance. I think I was just looking for proof that he has not gone through life totally unscathed by his drinking.
I didn't think it was a huge relapse until I saw your post. I guess it was, wasn't it?
What were you looking for?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
About a week and a half ago, I went up and checked my A's stash, which is something I had never done before (posted an incredibly long post about that). I did confront him and in the course of the ensuing discussion, I said "you know I have never done this before and I will never do it again. I'm not sure what made me do it this time." This is true, as I have always felt that stooping to searching for his booze is accomplishing nothing except to lower my self-respect even further.
What I found very odd was that recently, in the course of some other conversation, reference was made to my having checked once and saying I never would again. He said "but didn't you feel good about that? Why wouldn't you check again?"
I was completely dumbfounded. Talk about a total disconnect! I tried to explain, said "I have no interest in following someone around, checking to see what he/she might be hiding or lying about--if I can't trust a friend/spouse/whatever, what is the point of the relationship?" It didn't seem like he got it whatsoever. This is mystifying to me.
Seems like you are most likely right, nothing to be gained by doing a background check in most cases. Maybe in certain cases there would be a reason, but I'd think generally no.
What I found very odd was that recently, in the course of some other conversation, reference was made to my having checked once and saying I never would again. He said "but didn't you feel good about that? Why wouldn't you check again?"
I was completely dumbfounded. Talk about a total disconnect! I tried to explain, said "I have no interest in following someone around, checking to see what he/she might be hiding or lying about--if I can't trust a friend/spouse/whatever, what is the point of the relationship?" It didn't seem like he got it whatsoever. This is mystifying to me.
Seems like you are most likely right, nothing to be gained by doing a background check in most cases. Maybe in certain cases there would be a reason, but I'd think generally no.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Heh, when I was on the verge of kicking out the last guy I lived with (I had already told him to find another place to live), I ran one of those. It came up with a DOB that made him SEVEN YEARS older than he had been telling me he was in the five years we were together. He had always claimed to be two years younger than me. I had actually had my suspicions a couple of times when stuff about his ex's age and how old they were when they started dating didn't seem to gibe. He swore up and down he was the age he claimed to be.
So I knew he had recently had to get his birth certificate to apply for a new DL. He was sleeping, and I looked in his wallet, and sure enough. He is actually five years OLDER than me. He had lied about a lot of stuff in our years together--mostly stuff that made him sound more impressive than he was--and this was sort of the last straw. I woke him up and told him he was "getting his lying ass out of here tomorrow."
Yeah, I was drinking at the time, and no, that wasn't the best way to behave. Still, it got him out of my house, and out of my life, so I guess the money was well spent.
So I knew he had recently had to get his birth certificate to apply for a new DL. He was sleeping, and I looked in his wallet, and sure enough. He is actually five years OLDER than me. He had lied about a lot of stuff in our years together--mostly stuff that made him sound more impressive than he was--and this was sort of the last straw. I woke him up and told him he was "getting his lying ass out of here tomorrow."
Yeah, I was drinking at the time, and no, that wasn't the best way to behave. Still, it got him out of my house, and out of my life, so I guess the money was well spent.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
Sadie,
I did the exact same thing last week! I spent hours trying to find out my ex's criminal record and searched all over online for free background checks. At one point I stopped, but only because I got too freaked out thinking, "What if I find something super scary?" What would I do with that information at this point? Nothing. It would just make me even more upset.
I did the exact same thing last week! I spent hours trying to find out my ex's criminal record and searched all over online for free background checks. At one point I stopped, but only because I got too freaked out thinking, "What if I find something super scary?" What would I do with that information at this point? Nothing. It would just make me even more upset.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Earthworm 
I realized it was probably more productive to do background checks BEFORE getting serious with someone rather than AFTER
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
I realized it was probably more productive to do background checks BEFORE getting serious with someone rather than AFTER
hummmm, i can understand doing this BEFORE the relationship...i think its a good thing! IMO...
hummmm, i can understand doing this BEFORE the relationship...i think its a good thing! IMO...
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I did this for years. I think it's called, "snooping," and always only hurts me.
While living together, I went through his phone and email obsessively. It sucked. While living apart, I stalked the poor guy.
It took years for me to understand that the only thing this means is A) I don't trust him and B) that's really unhealthy. For me.
It really helped me to hang around other couples. Folks who like and respect each other and have a so called healthy relationship. REALLY helped me because, by contrast, I could see even more clearly how screwed up my marriage was.
For instance, I have a friend who was honestly confused when i told her i went through AH phone. When I tried to defend myself- by saying he's had affairs, bla bla bla- she just said, "but if you dont' trust him, why stay together?"
While living together, I went through his phone and email obsessively. It sucked. While living apart, I stalked the poor guy.
It took years for me to understand that the only thing this means is A) I don't trust him and B) that's really unhealthy. For me.
It really helped me to hang around other couples. Folks who like and respect each other and have a so called healthy relationship. REALLY helped me because, by contrast, I could see even more clearly how screwed up my marriage was.
For instance, I have a friend who was honestly confused when i told her i went through AH phone. When I tried to defend myself- by saying he's had affairs, bla bla bla- she just said, "but if you dont' trust him, why stay together?"
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Toronto
Posts: 31
Before I left my AXBF, I had actually considered hiring a PI to follow him while I was out of town for the weekend. It would have cost me $1000!
And then this wise gem from honeypig dawned on me: "I have no interest in following someone around, checking to see what he/she might be hiding or lying about--if I can't trust a friend/spouse/whatever, what is the point of the relationship?"
By the end, I was lost in such an unhealthy way of thinking. I still have moments - I've been really struggling with NC the past few days...wanting to email, text, stake out the bars I know he hangs out with. But really...what is the point?
Sadielady - your post makes me remember that all this that I'm struggling through and going through is absolutely normal. Much more normal that my experience with my AXBF. Thanks for the reminder! And good for you on full disclosure!
And then this wise gem from honeypig dawned on me: "I have no interest in following someone around, checking to see what he/she might be hiding or lying about--if I can't trust a friend/spouse/whatever, what is the point of the relationship?"
By the end, I was lost in such an unhealthy way of thinking. I still have moments - I've been really struggling with NC the past few days...wanting to email, text, stake out the bars I know he hangs out with. But really...what is the point?
Sadielady - your post makes me remember that all this that I'm struggling through and going through is absolutely normal. Much more normal that my experience with my AXBF. Thanks for the reminder! And good for you on full disclosure!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
I snooped but it was always about the alcohol. I figured it was hard enough dealing with the drunkenness I didn't need to add more pain in finding out if he was unfaithful to me as well, ugh. It is so much better staying on my own side of the street.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Yes, Yes, and Yes. Under the guise of wanting to make amends to them all, exGs, ewW's. boy I railed against someone telling me "you know that's stalking behavior." I still have to resist searching for anybody even friends! Not healthy....thanks all for slapping me upside the head with this topic....never really addressed it. I mean who was it hurting? Like most anything -- ME!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
Wow everyone, what great responses, thank you!! Feels great to know in not alone, and thank you for the reinforcement that this is stalking or snooping or whatever it's called it isn't healthy for me!
Dreams, wow, we do have some serious synchronicity, eh?. I was also looking for a DUI. His car is "on mothballs" and he never said it was voluntary but suggested it was a choice and it never quite sat right. He also had a pendif matter as we were splitting and I kept encouraging him to deal with it (enabling! Calling his rehab counselor to remind him!!!) and I was wondering if he ever dealt with it. And I had this lurking suspicion there could be more things I didn't know about from before we met.
I realize all that is stuff to LET GO of. It doesn't matter. It is a very safe bet and doesn't take an online search to know there were lots of things I never got the real truth on. I don't need the details. And I sure as hell don't need to be recycling all that in my brain.
I've also been chewing on the fact that I never said goodbye to his sister, his mom, a couple friends. I have no idea what he told them about me not being around anymore. I'm not goong to contact them, seems like also violating NC in some way ans likely only creating drama. Maybe it's the full moon that all this is on my mind.
Dreams, wow, we do have some serious synchronicity, eh?
. I was also looking for a DUI. His car is "on mothballs" and he never said it was voluntary but suggested it was a choice and it never quite sat right. He also had a pendif matter as we were splitting and I kept encouraging him to deal with it (enabling! Calling his rehab counselor to remind him!!!) and I was wondering if he ever dealt with it. And I had this lurking suspicion there could be more things I didn't know about from before we met.I realize all that is stuff to LET GO of. It doesn't matter. It is a very safe bet and doesn't take an online search to know there were lots of things I never got the real truth on. I don't need the details. And I sure as hell don't need to be recycling all that in my brain.
I've also been chewing on the fact that I never said goodbye to his sister, his mom, a couple friends. I have no idea what he told them about me not being around anymore. I'm not goong to contact them, seems like also violating NC in some way ans likely only creating drama. Maybe it's the full moon that all this is on my mind.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: OHIO
Posts: 8
Sadielady, I probably would have done a background check on my now ex-abf, but he is a cop and they hide everything he does. As soon as they see his id when they pick him up, they just take him to his moms. He has done some crazy stuff and should not have a job, but I have to keep telling myself that he is just not my problem anymore. So, sorry you are struggling, we all have those days. Lately my biggest hurdle is not creeping his email. Be strong and focus on something productive for you. My daughter and I do a nail day together when i am struggling. She paints my toes and I paint hers. Its free and makes us both feel good.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Some pointers for all of you codies-
1) Many counties have their own websites which provide public record information for free online. Just find the appropriate clerk of the court website for the county you are interested in looking in, and search by name. From my counties, I can see court dockets for individuals, purchases of properties, loans, who is suing who, traffic infractions, etc.
2) You can also look on the sheriff's website for the county. That usually has the ability to search arrest information online for free.
This free website consolidates all of the counties so you can see what is available, and also find the county name for a given city, etc.
NETR Online
Pretty bad that I know all of this stuff....
1) Many counties have their own websites which provide public record information for free online. Just find the appropriate clerk of the court website for the county you are interested in looking in, and search by name. From my counties, I can see court dockets for individuals, purchases of properties, loans, who is suing who, traffic infractions, etc.
2) You can also look on the sheriff's website for the county. That usually has the ability to search arrest information online for free.
This free website consolidates all of the counties so you can see what is available, and also find the county name for a given city, etc.
NETR Online
Pretty bad that I know all of this stuff....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by crazed
some pointers for all of you codies-
1) many counties have their own websites which provide public record information for free online. Just find the appropriate clerk of the court website for the county you are interested in looking in, and search by name. From my counties, i can see court dockets for individuals, purchases of properties, loans, who is suing who, traffic infractions, etc.
2) you can also look on the sheriff's website for the county. That usually has the ability to search arrest information online for free.
This free website consolidates all of the counties so you can see what is available, and also find the county name for a given city, etc.
netr online
pretty bad that i know all of this stuff....
1) many counties have their own websites which provide public record information for free online. Just find the appropriate clerk of the court website for the county you are interested in looking in, and search by name. From my counties, i can see court dockets for individuals, purchases of properties, loans, who is suing who, traffic infractions, etc.
2) you can also look on the sheriff's website for the county. That usually has the ability to search arrest information online for free.
This free website consolidates all of the counties so you can see what is available, and also find the county name for a given city, etc.
netr online
pretty bad that i know all of this stuff....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Originally Posted by Crazed
Some pointers for all of you codies-
1) Many counties have their own websites which provide public record information for free online. Just find the appropriate clerk of the court website for the county you are interested in looking in, and search by name. From my counties, I can see court dockets for individuals, purchases of properties, loans, who is suing who, traffic infractions, etc.
2) You can also look on the sheriff's website for the county. That usually has the ability to search arrest information online for free.
This free website consolidates all of the counties so you can see what is available, and also find the county name for a given city, etc.
NETR Online
Pretty bad that I know all of this stuff....
1) Many counties have their own websites which provide public record information for free online. Just find the appropriate clerk of the court website for the county you are interested in looking in, and search by name. From my counties, I can see court dockets for individuals, purchases of properties, loans, who is suing who, traffic infractions, etc.
2) You can also look on the sheriff's website for the county. That usually has the ability to search arrest information online for free.
This free website consolidates all of the counties so you can see what is available, and also find the county name for a given city, etc.
NETR Online
Pretty bad that I know all of this stuff....
Need.....to....stay.....strong..
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