If the Children Don't Want to Stay with AH?
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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To theuncertainty,
Totally agree that it isn't possible to promote a great relationship between the children and their father when their father is a narcissistic alcoholic. In fact, I finally have to believe it is better to help the children know he is a hardware store and not a boulangerie. They are hungry, but I don't want them eating nails.
The courts want to be fair to the other parent. But the judge wouldn't send his kids off in the remote mountains with my AH, knowing what he knows about that guy. Nor would he stick his kids in the car with him, especially knowing AH has spent two - three full days in airports and airplanes, is totally jet-lagged, and thinks the best place to drink is a car.
My experience with the legal world is that it's nuts.
Totally agree that it isn't possible to promote a great relationship between the children and their father when their father is a narcissistic alcoholic. In fact, I finally have to believe it is better to help the children know he is a hardware store and not a boulangerie. They are hungry, but I don't want them eating nails.
The courts want to be fair to the other parent. But the judge wouldn't send his kids off in the remote mountains with my AH, knowing what he knows about that guy. Nor would he stick his kids in the car with him, especially knowing AH has spent two - three full days in airports and airplanes, is totally jet-lagged, and thinks the best place to drink is a car.
My experience with the legal world is that it's nuts.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Hi Lexie,
No, not yet. Big brother is in a different mountain village with friends. Tomorrow he competes in his first mountain biking race. This is his dream. He wants to get sponsored and go pro. Aïe! Why do extreme sports have to run in the family?
Well, AH gave him permission, and I am not supposed to intervene there. But predictably, AH doesn't have the sense to go cheer his child on either. So I elected myself. Lucky me, really, to get to be there for my boy.
After the race, he goes to join them.
Big sister is 13, at least, and is a pretty strong-willed lass. My choice would be different, but I am not in control of the program.
No, not yet. Big brother is in a different mountain village with friends. Tomorrow he competes in his first mountain biking race. This is his dream. He wants to get sponsored and go pro. Aïe! Why do extreme sports have to run in the family?
Well, AH gave him permission, and I am not supposed to intervene there. But predictably, AH doesn't have the sense to go cheer his child on either. So I elected myself. Lucky me, really, to get to be there for my boy.
After the race, he goes to join them.
Big sister is 13, at least, and is a pretty strong-willed lass. My choice would be different, but I am not in control of the program.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Sounds as if you have a reasonable plan in place. You sound lots calmer, which is GOOD. I'm sure your calmness is beneficial to the kiddos.
Good luck to Big Brother for his big race tomorrow!!
Good luck to Big Brother for his big race tomorrow!!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Can't sleep. The church bells just rang twice. It's 2 am. I miss my children and I am worried about them.
The whole notion of unsupervised visits was part of what kept me in that abusive relationship for so long. I swore to myself that I would never let this happen.
He doesn't care about them as people. He just wants to post pictures of them on FB to show the world what a great dad he is. Because then it will be true.
Truly, he doesn't seem to understand that what people believe, and what is, are not the same.
The whole notion of unsupervised visits was part of what kept me in that abusive relationship for so long. I swore to myself that I would never let this happen.
He doesn't care about them as people. He just wants to post pictures of them on FB to show the world what a great dad he is. Because then it will be true.
Truly, he doesn't seem to understand that what people believe, and what is, are not the same.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sure the kids are OK. Your brain is just kicking into overtime because you are lying there without anything else to distract you. We all know your ex is a ratb*stard, but this was truly your only option without risking his getting MORE time. Try to get some rest. Driving while exhausted isn't that safe, either.
Hugs,
Hugs,
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I hope you're asleep again and resting. One thing i found with my kids (who were younger at the time of the divorce) was that no matter how much they could fight at my house, when they were with their dad they looked out for each other, stuck together, and checked in with each other on how they felt about dad's level of inebriation, whether they felt relatively safe, and how they could avoid getting in the car with him if he had been drinking and suggested an outing.
It was clearly miles from an ideal situation for them - but they became very good at protecting each other and themselves and they became closer in the process.
And - and I think this is important - because I never interfered with them going to him, and never said a bad word about him around them, they were free to form their own opinions and decide for themselves whether he was a hardware store or not. And somewhere, I think it's important that you don't become the person who stopped them from seeing their dad. Because that just gives them the chance to make up dreams about how great their dad is. As long as they're not in immediate danger, it's good that they get to know him and figure out for themselves what kind of person he is. And they will. Kids are usually a lot smarter than we give them credit for.
It was clearly miles from an ideal situation for them - but they became very good at protecting each other and themselves and they became closer in the process.
And - and I think this is important - because I never interfered with them going to him, and never said a bad word about him around them, they were free to form their own opinions and decide for themselves whether he was a hardware store or not. And somewhere, I think it's important that you don't become the person who stopped them from seeing their dad. Because that just gives them the chance to make up dreams about how great their dad is. As long as they're not in immediate danger, it's good that they get to know him and figure out for themselves what kind of person he is. And they will. Kids are usually a lot smarter than we give them credit for.
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