bknheart

I live in Missouri with my fiance, I'm 50 yrs old, I'm a Christian, and am strong in my faith in God. I'm usually the one trying to help someone else and remind them of their faith, and to take care of their self, etc. But over the last year between my fiance and his bipolar and drinking, our separating for 4 months, his hitting rock bottom, realizing what he was doing, actually quitting drinking, coming back in Feb., I was the one that needed to be reminded of all of those things that I already believe! But as God always does, He helped me realize that I can not help him, he had to help himself, how to detach from him and take care of myself. I was myself again, SO thankful and happy that he wasn't drinking anymore, and he was himself again too!

So it's been 7 months since he quit drinking. For the past month things have been a bit stressful, financially, his business, etc....normal life issues.
One of his customers didn't pay and caused him a setback. I know for a fact that he is not drinking, but now he is behaving, talking, and even "looks" like he did when he was drinking! It was like I woke up in the twilight zone! All of the progress that has been made by him, AND I is suddenly just gone! He will only communicate by texting (when HE feels like it of course), our conversations have reverted back to EXACTLY the things he said 8 months ago! I am so hurt right now I actually feel paralyzed...it's like I'm in shock! I have read about "dry drunk syndrome", and also bipolar along with it and it definitely sounds like that is what is going on. I knew he should have been going to the meetings at church, he went to a couple and thought he was doing good, not drinking, and threw himself back into his business, got busy and quit going!

I really feel like I have lost my mind this time! I have never felt as crappy as I do now in my entire life. I love him with all of my heart and soul and don't want to give up! I know God has a plan, and I know He is the ONLY one that can help him right now, and I guess I am just trying to figure out now what to do, what to say, and how to handle what is happening. For those that pray, I would really appreciate prayers. Also, if anyone else has experienced what I've described, I would appreciate hearing about it. Thank you for reading my post.


Blessings,
Laura

Carlotta

to SR
You are letting someone else's moods affect yours. Your feelings should not be contingent upon him being pleasant or a "dry drunk". Just because the person you live with is feeling like crap should not mean that you automatically feel the same way. This is co dependency for you.
Alcoholism is a family disease, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you going to Al Anon? I would suggest you check it out.

It is the week end, why don't you set aside a time slot where you completely ignore him and do something by yourself for yourself.

bknheart

Thank you for your input, I agree with the things you said. My church has meetings, and I will be starting them next week. Thanks again!

Laura

dandylion

Dear bknheart, there is also a good possibility that he is drinking on the sly. Alcoholics are very good at hiding the evidence. The fact that he is not working a program adds to this possibility.

dandylion

theseithakas

I second what dandylion pointed out. In my somewhat limited experience, not working a program and acting like an active alcoholic means that the A is drinking behind your back. You can never know for sure that someone isn't drinking. Trust me. If it quacks like a duck...

Take care of yourself.

bknheart

Thank you to you both for your response to my post. I know I can't be 100% sure about it...but I am 99.9% sure (there are a few reasons why I say that, but I didn't want to bore you with them) ; )
But I did read this about "dry drunk syndrome" :

Carole Bennett
Author of Reclaim Your Life
As a substance abuse counselor, clients have come to me thrilled their loved one has stopped drinking, yet report that their partnership is as brittle as tinder and inexplicably worse than before. Confusion abounds as you both have desired sobriety and yet now that it is here, wonder why the relationship seems to be on rockier ground than when the alcoholic was drinking.

And the rest of the article describes what is happening with him spot on. I understand the "why" of what is happening, the trouble I'm having is making my "heart" understand.

Thank you again for writing.

Blessings,
Laura

wicked

My hope for you Laura, is that you find yourself again.
Detach and take care of yourself.
I am misunderstanding your first post I think.
He is acting like he is bi polar? Or he actually has bi polar and is acting out?
(manic or depressed)

Unless and until he wants to get better, and that includes his bi polar disorder,
he will continue to act this way.

I am sorry he is acting so badly towards you.
Take care of yourself Laura.

It is the only thing you can do, really.
You can pray for him, but otherwise, it is up to him.

Beth

bknheart

Thank you Beth,
You are right...that really is the only thing I can do for him, that's part of what makes it even harder for me, I feel helpless...again! I am praying he realizes what's going on sooner than it took for him to realize he had to stop drinking.
He is definitely bipolar, and when he's "himself" he even admits that he is. He takes an anti-depressant, but it's not "bipolar type" meds.
I read that the bipolar, "manic" side, along with "dry drunk syndrome" is sure to happen if the person suddenly stops drinking...and doesn't take care of the "mental" side of the addiction as well. He went to 2 mtgs and then let working take precedence and quit going. He figured everything was ok...because he quit drinking on his own. Everything was good while we were going to church since he came home in February too. I know what the answer is for him, and that is...get his butt back in church! ; )

I'm trying to just keep negative thoughts out of my mind, and let God do His work in Him...and I have to figure out how to deal with these emotions I'm having. I really don't know how people that don't have God in their life get through terrible times, because that is the ONLY thing that gets me through everything! If I didn't right now, I would probably be in the hospital!

Thank you again for your kind words. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Laura

Recovering2

Sounds like he was sober, but not working a true recovery program. That can never last. If you've seen a change in behavior, and feel he's acting like he did when drinking....he's drinking. Watch what he does...not what he says. The A is a master at hiding things, and we are great at not seeing the truth when it's in our face.

You both need a program of recovery, but he has to want it. What you can do is get to AlAnon, and work on you. Leave him to his Higher Power. Just make sure you get out of the way of that HP. Often times I see people pray for change, then get in the way of that change by trying to control the situation. I would definitely suggest you not marry him until he has at least a year of true recovery under his belt.

Hammer

That is a pretty good article.

Do You Have a 'Dry Drunk' in Your Life?

Thank you.

Towards the basic question.

Oh Yeah. Mrs. Hammer = Dry Drunk.

Back 7 1/2 months from rehab and omigod.

She, like yours, seems to also exhibit some Personality Disorder level traits. In our case towards the direction of Borderline Personality Disorder.


[add on edit]

And this from our own Flo.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...dry-drunk.html