4MyBoys

I have been diagnosed with having PTSD. I still get triggered by many things but it is getting much much better. It is more than just getting stressed out. I have acute anxiety attacks at certain noises, phone ringtones, when certain words are said. I am hyper vigilant when it comes to situational awareness and locking my house doors and windows, etc.

All the meds in the world just covered up what was happening, as soon as I was off them I was triggered again. I know I had to see someone for PTSD specific treatments. I went to a weeklong group counceling retreat for wives of first responders that have to deal with the fallout of living with a husband who takes their work stress out on the spouse at home. Group counceling and ERMD treatments were nothing short of a miracle for me.

And my case was not so much due to physical abuse but living with the master mental mind f*cker. The day in and day out uncertainty of his moods and drinkig levels for about 10 years will do that to you. (together for 18).

Going no contact was good but getting a restraining order was better. It was scary at first because I could no longer gauge him. (If dealing with this you will no what I mean.) I could'nt get a feel for how angry and drunk and out of control he was getting anymore and for a few months I felt like I had been pushed out of an airplane with no way to tell where the ground was. Now though I feel like the boys and I can finally breath. He cant call us. Only supervised visits. It is so nice being able to finally get control over the situation.

I feel for anyone still in the deep end of PTSD. Mine may never go away, (still freak out to the ring tone strum on the Iphone, it was his when he called me.) but it is managable now.

4MyBoys

amy55

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

I know exactly what you are talking about. Yep, the meds didn't help anything. I used them during the divorce process and court dates, because I didn't know any other way to get through that. Actually when my adult children found out that I was taking klonopin and seroquel, they diagnosed me with bi-polar. That was how manipulative my ex was able to be. For the first time in their life, they had a father that was nice to them, supportive of them, and I was labeled bipolar. (lol)

I am doing a lot better now being away from the situation, but I still get the memory triggers.

My marriage was mostly verbally abusive and emotional abuse, with a little of the physical abuse thrown in there, but I wasn't afraid of the physical abuse, think I kinda in a way wanted him to kill me, or really hurt me, so that everyone could see it. (That's how sick I became)

Oh, and I had changed my ringtone on my phone to "unwell" by Rob Thomas, for my ex, and changed his name to "Don't Pick Up". I didn't know how to block it.

I really feel sad for you that you still are connected to him because of the children. I don't know how I would be able to deal with that. My youngest is now 26.

m1k3

PTSD, oh yeah, me too.

Your friend,

lillamy

Maybe "You can't reason with Crazy" should be the 4th C?

amy55

I love that one. I spit water on my computer, from laughing, cause it is so true.

firebolt

Thanks so much Amy,

"Trying to change yourself into what they want. When thats not what they want at all. They want the bottle and for you to shut up about it. "

That's the blatant painful truth of it all, isn't it!?

I hope i make it through this the RIGHT WAY (and before PTSD!)- it is so hard - thanks for your support!

Argnotthisagain

Already had it from my mother, but the r-ship with the A kind of renewed it....yep, count me in too.

He was such a mix of wonderful and horrible.

Support comin' at ya from me too....

HUG!!!!

amy55

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) coming at you too. We will get through this. We are strong. We had to be. Look at all we went through already.

amy55

firebolt, you will make it. You are strong, you are wonderful, you are beautiful, and you deserve the best. Don't accept anything less. I'm here for you.

Editing to add: You are young, you are intelligent. Don't look back on this as years that you wasted. You didn't waste them, you learned from them.

LaTeeDa

*raising hand*

PTSD here, too. Officially diagnosed and treated with a therapist. The upside? Official diagnosis meant health insurance covered therapy. The downside? Well, you all know too well.

I remember a couple of incidents post-divorce that made me realize the diagnosis was real. (I didn't want to believe it, lol.) Ex got a job in Alaska, and was using Skype to keep in touch with the kids. Kids were being goofy and turned the volume on the computer waaaaay up! I freaked out at the sound of his voice yelling in my house! I actually got physically sick that time. Another time I came home from work and saw his vehicle in front of my house. Freaked out and drove the other direction before I remembered that he left it for my daughter to use while he was out of town. Didn't get sick that time, but took a few hours to calm down again.

I still get mild anxiety at certain situations, but all in all, nothing like it was. All it took was a year and a half with a really great therapist and a total rework of all my thought processes, lol.

L

amy55

LaTeeDa, all that stuff would make me "jump" also. I thank God everyday for a gated community. (lol)

4MyBoys

LTD, Yep the truck thing does it to me and the boys as well. We get really jumpy at the sound of any Ford Diesel still. We have been out of the house for almost two years and everyone still looks when a diesel truck going up or down the street. My older son will get up and make sure the door is locked. (My STBXAH has used his truck to intimidate us by racing at us and blocking our vehicle from leaving.) It is such a distinctive sound.

It is harder to watch my son's reactions when things flare up. He currently started licking his lips again to the point they are chapped in a ring around his mouth because my ex missed two weeks of visists in a row. We are like Pavlovs dogs who jump when anything becomes out of the norm with the STBXAH.

We are both getting help and getting so much stronger....

Wow, sometimes I think of all my posts on this board and I feel like we must come across like unhinged nut jobs!

4MyBoys

amy55

Wow, 4MyBoys. Thank you for sharing that. Just need to say, we are not unhinged nut jobs!!!!!!! I know I can't tell a lot of people about some of my thoughts, but I do know that I can share them here, and that just feels so good, but at the same time, I feel really sorry that anyone would understand me.

4MyBoys

Oh Amy,

I not only fully understand but want to thank you for posting this. We are average people put in surreal situations. Sometimes it is good to talk about this stuff. It can remind us of how far we have come....

amy55

4MyBoys,

They really are surreal situations. When I was seeing a therapist, she even had tears in her eyes when I told her my story, and my story isn't that bad. It's not the worst one out there. I just need to say that when I started to go on forums, my first was for verbal abuse. I became embarrassed to post there. (lol)

Posting this stuff helps me, and I hope that it helps others that are not too far into it, so that they can see where things might be going.

And, yes we have gone far, but did have to go thru h3ll to get here !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I do want to believe that we have become better people for it.

amy55

I did really want to post something else about my PTSD. Now I already said that I am an RA, so you all know that I was drinking throughout my marriage. I admit it, I did. I was trying to numb myself, make things go away. It helped in a way, (I do hate to say that), but in a way it didn't. It kept me stuck for a longer period of time.

You see, I can remember most of my marriage when I was drinking, (surprisingly), maybe because I journaled. The period of time that I can't remember was the 18 months that I had stopped drinking, because I went on a diet, and wanted to feel good about myself. That was when he really upped the emotional abuse. I no longer had an escape from it. He wanted to tear me down because I was trying to do something positive for myself. I didn't journal then. I was just in total shock of everything.

Now if you gave me an important date, I can zero in on that, like my daughters wedding, but that's about it. Those 18 months are really lost to me, and this is something that I just cannot understand. This is when the PTSD really started to affect me.

wicked

I just want to say that I know you are not unhinged nut jobs.
Just normal people trying to live in abnormal (PTSD producing) circumstances.
PTSD can make the sound of a revving engine sound like a nightmare come back to life.

None of us are unhinged, had our nerves stretched to the limit, but we are survivors.
Survivors.

Beth

wolfpackfan45

I've been diagnosed with PTSD. God, AlAnon, a therapist, exercise, prayer, and an antidepressant have helped me immensely. I still struggle with terrible anxiety and panic when the phone or doorbell rings, and sometimes out of the blue I'll almost lose it. some days are better than others.

amy55

wolfpack, how long are you out? It will get better. You just have to keep remembering that it was not you.

also many (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))). I understand, and there are a lot of us that do.

amy55

And yes, Beth, we are survivors. All of us. We are not unhinged, we are not "crazy".

Did anyone read that link that I had posted, and was it even working???
I don't know, because I don't know how to post links.

Was thinking about what someone else might have thought about that. I first read that back in 2004, it was updated since then, but there were so many things in there that resonated with me.

Need to say, yes I was officially diagnosed with PTSD, and no, the site that I linked to is not a medical site.