O/T 30 years ago today
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I actually got married (the first time) ON Valentine's Day. It made the holiday weird for a while, but now I usually forget the anniversary. Fortunately, I still like that ex (the kiddos' dad).
I honestly don't remember what date I got married the second time. Maybe it was because I was already separated on the first anniversary, and divorced within a matter of weeks of the second one.
I honestly don't remember what date I got married the second time. Maybe it was because I was already separated on the first anniversary, and divorced within a matter of weeks of the second one.
Valentines Day, worst day to get married. But we were young and stupid, (sorry, I meant in love) and thought it would last.
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I deleted my original response. Ergh.
So I also have PTSD and am surprised by the commonalities with PTSD. I actually did try to run over AH after I found out he was having an affair and brought her to my house. Very very bad.
I would carefully asses my mental state the day of the event, and if I'm triggered, go to the beach or movies or something instead. For me lately, keeping triggers down and sanity up is the only thing that matters.
Good luck, Be gentle with yourself.
So I also have PTSD and am surprised by the commonalities with PTSD. I actually did try to run over AH after I found out he was having an affair and brought her to my house. Very very bad.
I would carefully asses my mental state the day of the event, and if I'm triggered, go to the beach or movies or something instead. For me lately, keeping triggers down and sanity up is the only thing that matters.
Good luck, Be gentle with yourself.
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Originally Posted by transformyself
I deleted my original response. Ergh.
So I also have PTSD and am surprised by the commonalities with PTSD. I actually did try to run over AH after I found out he was having an affair and brought her to my house. Very very bad.
I would carefully asses my mental state the day of the event, and if I'm triggered, go to the beach or movies or something instead. For me lately, keeping triggers down and sanity up is the only thing that matters.
Good luck, Be gentle with yourself.
So I also have PTSD and am surprised by the commonalities with PTSD. I actually did try to run over AH after I found out he was having an affair and brought her to my house. Very very bad.
I would carefully asses my mental state the day of the event, and if I'm triggered, go to the beach or movies or something instead. For me lately, keeping triggers down and sanity up is the only thing that matters.
Good luck, Be gentle with yourself.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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Originally Posted by amy55
Then I found out that the last year that I was with him, he spent our anniversary with her. They were together for the entire week. So I guess I still have anger issues with that, even though we are divorced. Why? Probably because I looked like a stupid little fool. They were together for at least 7 years before my divorce from him. Never did come to any resolution within myself yet for that.
Big, big hugs to you ((((((((((Amy))))))))))
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Originally Posted by amy55
Oh d@mn, can't take that date either. First marriage, another loser, was on 2/1. His birthday was groundhogs day. Need to find another. Oh, but I did. It's December 6th, my divorcsary.They should make that a word, but maybe they did and I just can't spell it right.
Urban Dictionary: divorciversary
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Originally Posted by amy55
And I don't know, maybe I do need advice on something. As we all know this is July. OK, July is my worst month with triggers. I just got a baby shower invite. I really did want to go to this baby shower, but now it turns out it is an extra hour away from me, so it will be a 3 hour drive to get there, now with the Jersey shore traffic, it might even be a 4 hour drive or longer. It is a block and a half away from where my ex and his girlfriend live. Also, the house that we had rented for that summer is about 7 blocks away. Should I try to do this baby shower?
That is a lot of time/stress. I feel like you could spend the day in a more peaceful and calming way.
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Onawa, Thanks for that, it is a word. DIVORCIVERSARY, I like EXIVERSARY also. On my last divorciversary, I got out all of my journals, (you know, those journals that you keep so that you know that you are not the crazy one, that that sh!t really did happen, that they keep telling you didn't happen), well I ripped all the pages out of about 10 journals and threw them in my wood stove, and burned them all.
I know it happened. I wasn't the crazy one!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DOS, I don't think that I am going to go to that baby shower. I will see them about a month later, and I think it's more of the drive there that is stopping me from going. The traffic that you have to drive in to get to the Jersey Shore is just impossible.
I like Bastille Day, but I want the guillotine to have a faulty trigger right now. I don't want him to die all at once, whats the fun in that, a little at a time, let him suffer.
OK, now I know that I will run into him sooner or later. My son is getting married next year. I am preparing for that. I am going to look terrific, and I will be surrounded by my friends, and he will have his own head table as far away from me that they can put it. If I run into his girlfriend (lets say in the ladies room), I will just offer her my condolences.
I know it happened. I wasn't the crazy one!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DOS, I don't think that I am going to go to that baby shower. I will see them about a month later, and I think it's more of the drive there that is stopping me from going. The traffic that you have to drive in to get to the Jersey Shore is just impossible.
I like Bastille Day, but I want the guillotine to have a faulty trigger right now. I don't want him to die all at once, whats the fun in that, a little at a time, let him suffer.
OK, now I know that I will run into him sooner or later. My son is getting married next year. I am preparing for that. I am going to look terrific, and I will be surrounded by my friends, and he will have his own head table as far away from me that they can put it. If I run into his girlfriend (lets say in the ladies room), I will just offer her my condolences.
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Originally Posted by amy55
(you know, those journals that you keep so that you know that you are not the crazy one, that that sh!t really did happen, that they keep telling you didn't happen).
Take care of yourself! Xo
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Originally Posted by amy55
Yep those are unrealistic expectations. I 100% agree with that. Thanks for that laugh.
Edited to add: Then on top of that, he had invited friends to stay at this house for a week, not the ones we rented with, just some other friends. So we spent our honeymoon with his friends.
Edited to add: Then on top of that, he had invited friends to stay at this house for a week, not the ones we rented with, just some other friends. So we spent our honeymoon with his friends.
Anyway....
No, he didn't get wasted (That night, anyway.....) but...when we got home the next night, he took another 4 hour nap at my house and was up in plenty of time to hit his favorite local bar.....
Thanks for the post.....Summer time is a trigger for me too, and although we broke up almost 2 years ago, I admit I got a little teary eyed this morning...
But, now that I'm seeing what I just put into print here, if I ever do cry again, it will be tears of joy since I am NO LONGER willing to put up with such NONSENSE....
I suspect if I married him, my wedding day would have been just like yours....
I can tell by your posts that you are a lovely person and that was the LAST thing you deserved.....
I really do feel for you.....
Btw, I still owe you a reply to your other post...I haven't forgotten.....
30 years is a long time to deal with this type of behavior, so I can see why you're feeling traumatized by it....
I promise you, time really does heal all wounds and I suspect you will get past all of this one day....
You can do this!
All the best,
Linda
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Hey Diva, thanks. I also have tears of joy today for you. I am so, so happy that you didn't get married. You are worth so much more. You are a beautiful person, you deserve the best. Not any of this crap that they serve us.
I ran away from "home" 4 1/2 years again. Best decision that I ever made. So glad that he did have a girlfriend, so that he left me alone.
I ran away from "home" 4 1/2 years again. Best decision that I ever made. So glad that he did have a girlfriend, so that he left me alone.
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There were some signs that things were off before we got married, but not big ones.
We had a courthouse wedding and did a huge honeymoon paid for my the parents in the Carribbean. It was gorgeous and should have been a blowout, once in a lifetime vacation.
Three things I remember from this trip:
1) We didn't have sex on our honeymoon. Nope. But the amount of booze consumed -- between the two of us, I won't even lie -- was epic.
2) There are only a couple of pictures of the two of us in existence. Mind you, we were married five years, together for eight. One of them is on this vacation, with the two of us drinking heavily for the camera.
3) There was one night on the trip that we were supposed to have a nice dinner and hang out at the resort, but he picked a huge fight with me and stormed out of the room. I remember being totally confused about what had just happened, and why the hell he disappeared. After some time, I decided to stop waiting for him and go down to the restaurant on the resort for some company and to get out of the room. Lo and behold, there he was, getting loaded, and very cozy with a waitress at the bar.
Of course he denied any untoward intentions or wrongdoing and claimed I was just being paranoid and insecure. But I remember thinking that night that getting married was all a huge mistake. I plodded on for another five years regardless.
A few years later, after he was trying to get sober, I relayed all this stuff to him during a moment of mutual sharing and he asked me why I was so negative. (!) He said I always remembered the bad stuff and never remembered the good stuff. Even in sobriety, he wanted me to brush away all the sadness and confusion I felt about his drinking. Not cool.
___
PTSD is no joke, and if you suspect you have it, please be managed professionally for the duration of treatment UNTIL remission. There is no halfway, and no managing it yourself without professional help. You'll be hanging on by your fingernails indefinitely.
People who don't have PTSD are able to go to cities they were once in decades ago with an ex without having anxiety. This is not a healthy response to this kind of conundrum.
No judgement, I've been there, and I'm speaking from experience. It's hard work to get through to the healing of PTSD, but it is worth every penny and every minute to do it.
We had a courthouse wedding and did a huge honeymoon paid for my the parents in the Carribbean. It was gorgeous and should have been a blowout, once in a lifetime vacation.
Three things I remember from this trip:
1) We didn't have sex on our honeymoon. Nope. But the amount of booze consumed -- between the two of us, I won't even lie -- was epic.
2) There are only a couple of pictures of the two of us in existence. Mind you, we were married five years, together for eight. One of them is on this vacation, with the two of us drinking heavily for the camera.
3) There was one night on the trip that we were supposed to have a nice dinner and hang out at the resort, but he picked a huge fight with me and stormed out of the room. I remember being totally confused about what had just happened, and why the hell he disappeared. After some time, I decided to stop waiting for him and go down to the restaurant on the resort for some company and to get out of the room. Lo and behold, there he was, getting loaded, and very cozy with a waitress at the bar.
Of course he denied any untoward intentions or wrongdoing and claimed I was just being paranoid and insecure. But I remember thinking that night that getting married was all a huge mistake. I plodded on for another five years regardless.
A few years later, after he was trying to get sober, I relayed all this stuff to him during a moment of mutual sharing and he asked me why I was so negative. (!) He said I always remembered the bad stuff and never remembered the good stuff. Even in sobriety, he wanted me to brush away all the sadness and confusion I felt about his drinking. Not cool.
___
PTSD is no joke, and if you suspect you have it, please be managed professionally for the duration of treatment UNTIL remission. There is no halfway, and no managing it yourself without professional help. You'll be hanging on by your fingernails indefinitely.
People who don't have PTSD are able to go to cities they were once in decades ago with an ex without having anxiety. This is not a healthy response to this kind of conundrum.
No judgement, I've been there, and I'm speaking from experience. It's hard work to get through to the healing of PTSD, but it is worth every penny and every minute to do it.
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Thank you Florence for sharing your story. I also have almost no pics of that day other then pics someone else took of us. None at all from the honeymoon. Sex on our honeymoon, have no idea. Do know that I got pregnant on July 14th. The first wedding with the judge. I got sick really fast with that pregnancy. Didn't need to take a test. Morning sickness almost immediately. The rest of the summer, he went out with his friends, because I was no fun since I couldn't drink. Had a miscarriage in Sept.
I think of all the could haves, and should haves. We should have been happy on our wedding days.
But I guess that is just too much expectations !!!!!!!! (lol)
many many ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to you Florence.
The going back to therapy thing, I have been considering that. I am getting pretty good at detaching from things now, but, sorry to say this, I still want to see him die a slow agonizing death. I still visualize stabbing him repeatedly, but not killing him, just so that I can do it again and again.
So, yes, I still have many anger issues here. I did tell a psychiatrist about this, and he told me that it was completely normal reaction to an abnormal situation, but I am now removed from that for almost 3 years.
I try to rationalize things in my head, saying "I know he had a mental illness, even though never really diagnosed", but then again, how would I know? He never told me what the therapist had said to him, or the psychologist said to him. I just know that they did want him to go in for a medication evaluation.
What I have done so far for my recovery is
I bought my own home ( a foreclosure )
changed my phone number
did not give him # or my address
moved into a gated community
moved a state away from him
made friends (found out that people do actually like me, not like he said that
people are afraid of me.
renovating my entire house
putting pictures or something on every wall ( I wasn't allowed to hang things on up
going out with friends
making decisions (finally)
staying away from rebound relationships (hate to say this, but that makes me want to
vomit.)
I don't carry my phone around with me all the time. I actually lose it a lot.
Have been trying to say "no", when I mean "no". It is a one word sentence.
My house and I are rebuilding ourselves together. We are both starting a new life.
My biggest remaining problem in all of this is, can I or will I ever want another relationship?
I do think I can handle going to that baby shower, think I can handle if I see him on the street there.
It's the dates, the anniversarys, the triggers, the memories, that I can't handle.
ok, going off for a bit, found some carpenter ants. Have to take care of them
I think of all the could haves, and should haves. We should have been happy on our wedding days.
But I guess that is just too much expectations !!!!!!!! (lol)
many many ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to you Florence.
The going back to therapy thing, I have been considering that. I am getting pretty good at detaching from things now, but, sorry to say this, I still want to see him die a slow agonizing death. I still visualize stabbing him repeatedly, but not killing him, just so that I can do it again and again.
So, yes, I still have many anger issues here. I did tell a psychiatrist about this, and he told me that it was completely normal reaction to an abnormal situation, but I am now removed from that for almost 3 years.
I try to rationalize things in my head, saying "I know he had a mental illness, even though never really diagnosed", but then again, how would I know? He never told me what the therapist had said to him, or the psychologist said to him. I just know that they did want him to go in for a medication evaluation.
What I have done so far for my recovery is
I bought my own home ( a foreclosure )
changed my phone number
did not give him # or my address
moved into a gated community
moved a state away from him
made friends (found out that people do actually like me, not like he said that
people are afraid of me.
renovating my entire house
putting pictures or something on every wall ( I wasn't allowed to hang things on up
going out with friends
making decisions (finally)
staying away from rebound relationships (hate to say this, but that makes me want to
vomit.)
I don't carry my phone around with me all the time. I actually lose it a lot.
Have been trying to say "no", when I mean "no". It is a one word sentence.
My house and I are rebuilding ourselves together. We are both starting a new life.
My biggest remaining problem in all of this is, can I or will I ever want another relationship?
I do think I can handle going to that baby shower, think I can handle if I see him on the street there.
It's the dates, the anniversarys, the triggers, the memories, that I can't handle.
ok, going off for a bit, found some carpenter ants. Have to take care of them
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See?! You've made huge strides. You make your life. You are whole and complete -- and separate from him and his decisions and words now.
He did you wrong once, but he's just a jerk. A jerk is a jerk. A worm is a worm.
You can go where you like. You can befriend who you want to befriend.
The thing about PTSD is that it keeps an experience from just being an experience. It makes something long gone stand out as THE EXPERIENCE (i.e. THE MARRIAGE, THE PLACE, THE MAN, THE FEAR) and it looms over your decision-making and holds you hostage there in that time and place and in that frame of mind. Always worried, scared, afraid of all the what-ifs, regardless of your new station in life, your current safety and stability.
Treatment for PTSD takes THE thing, and turns it into a thing. Just a thing that happened once. A thing that is over. It's a simple shift, but it's one that is hugely important when it comes to moving about your day free from the anxiety and worry about things long gone and beyond your control.
Therapy for this changed my life. It took a long time and 100% commitment on my part, but I'm a different person.
He did you wrong once, but he's just a jerk. A jerk is a jerk. A worm is a worm.
You can go where you like. You can befriend who you want to befriend.
The thing about PTSD is that it keeps an experience from just being an experience. It makes something long gone stand out as THE EXPERIENCE (i.e. THE MARRIAGE, THE PLACE, THE MAN, THE FEAR) and it looms over your decision-making and holds you hostage there in that time and place and in that frame of mind. Always worried, scared, afraid of all the what-ifs, regardless of your new station in life, your current safety and stability.
Treatment for PTSD takes THE thing, and turns it into a thing. Just a thing that happened once. A thing that is over. It's a simple shift, but it's one that is hugely important when it comes to moving about your day free from the anxiety and worry about things long gone and beyond your control.
Therapy for this changed my life. It took a long time and 100% commitment on my part, but I'm a different person.
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Florence, that made so much sense to me. So I actually am doing what I should. Need to say that I had a lot of help. Help from friends, help from my contractors.
I felt sorry for my contractor when he first started here. I couldn't make one d@mn decision. Do you know what it is like to renovate an entire kitchen. Thought I made all the decisions, you know, cabinets, floor tile, countertop, backsplash. Then he hits me with what kind of knobs for the cabinets? what color outlet covers? I was having a panic attack. So he brought over an assortment of outlet covers, we all looked at them, 4 of us, and they helped me with the decision.
My contractor and his workers became my friends, I even went to his wedding and will be going to his baby shower on Saturday.
I think a lot of my recovery is seeing and dealing with "normal" people.
Now restaining my log cabin. He picked up 5 different colors, put them all on the cabin. Again we all discussed it and picked one.
Oh, and BTW, I did follow that carpenter ant, he went back in behind one of the outlet covers, so I think I eradicated that nest also.
I felt sorry for my contractor when he first started here. I couldn't make one d@mn decision. Do you know what it is like to renovate an entire kitchen. Thought I made all the decisions, you know, cabinets, floor tile, countertop, backsplash. Then he hits me with what kind of knobs for the cabinets? what color outlet covers? I was having a panic attack. So he brought over an assortment of outlet covers, we all looked at them, 4 of us, and they helped me with the decision.
My contractor and his workers became my friends, I even went to his wedding and will be going to his baby shower on Saturday.
I think a lot of my recovery is seeing and dealing with "normal" people.
Now restaining my log cabin. He picked up 5 different colors, put them all on the cabin. Again we all discussed it and picked one.
Oh, and BTW, I did follow that carpenter ant, he went back in behind one of the outlet covers, so I think I eradicated that nest also.
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Originally Posted by amy55
OK, now I know that I will run into him sooner or later. My son is getting married next year. I am preparing for that. I am going to look terrific, and I will be surrounded by my friends, and he will have his own head table as far away from me that they can put it. If I run into his girlfriend (lets say in the ladies room), I will just offer her my condolences.
About the shower, it sounded so tiring (mainly the traffic) but I shouldn't have told you what I would do because we are all different.
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Originally Posted by amy55
transformyself, I really feel for you and the position that you are in right now. Need to admit that I went absolutely "crazy" when I was married. They do know what "button" to push. My ex actually told me in a moment of clarity that he knew what he did, and he did it purposely, and that he knew a lot of psycho babble, and he liked to get me all riled up. Then to make it sound better, (if that is even possible) tried to compliment me, because he liked when my eyes looked like they were on "fire". I do hope that you got away today, or will tomorrow. Last week for you was just too short.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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DOS, I did ask for advice, and yours was truly welcomed. I really don't think I am too much afraid to see him, think it is more like, I just don't want to. My decision is being based on the traffic. I have a DVT (blood clot in my leg), I am usually pretty good with this, but just thinking about a 3 to 5 hour trip and doing it twice in one day, was just not sitting well with me.
I also do feel sorry for his girlfriend, but not that much. I'm just glad that she is there to keep him away from me.
I also do feel sorry for his girlfriend, but not that much. I'm just glad that she is there to keep him away from me.
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