I finally have had enough.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: San Mateo, Ca
Posts: 52
I finally have had enough.
Last night I told her it was over between us.
Almost three years to the day my first love returned to my life (with a "drinking problem" I knew about) it's over.
Two trips through rehab on me, hit and run DUI, it all came down to the fact that I was "too serious" about her drinking (blackouts, the whole nine) and if she could only have one drink when she gets home from work (a job that she is on probation with for being drunk otj by alcohol test) she'd be OK because her counselor told her that would be a good harm reduction plan...
I had told her the rules were simple, no drinking.
Sunday at 2:30am my surrogate father passed. He was 92 and slipping, so this wasn't unexpected, but I'm not at my best.
From Tuesday night into yesterday she goes into a binge while I'm at work. I get a phone call from her while she's in blackout.
I come home to the same mess I've been through before.
I told her she'd have to find new living arrangements asap.
It is, of course, my fault.
I may be saving my own sanity here, but that didn't keep me from having to go behind closed doors at work today to cry.
Being 54 and watching my first love go down the drain on booze isn't how I had things planned.
Almost three years to the day my first love returned to my life (with a "drinking problem" I knew about) it's over.
Two trips through rehab on me, hit and run DUI, it all came down to the fact that I was "too serious" about her drinking (blackouts, the whole nine) and if she could only have one drink when she gets home from work (a job that she is on probation with for being drunk otj by alcohol test) she'd be OK because her counselor told her that would be a good harm reduction plan...
I had told her the rules were simple, no drinking.
Sunday at 2:30am my surrogate father passed. He was 92 and slipping, so this wasn't unexpected, but I'm not at my best.
From Tuesday night into yesterday she goes into a binge while I'm at work. I get a phone call from her while she's in blackout.
I come home to the same mess I've been through before.
I told her she'd have to find new living arrangements asap.
It is, of course, my fault.
I may be saving my own sanity here, but that didn't keep me from having to go behind closed doors at work today to cry.
Being 54 and watching my first love go down the drain on booze isn't how I had things planned.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Sending you strength and peace.
I imagine it only gets better from here - That wouldn't be the case if you had let her stay. That knowledge doesn't take the pain away, I know. A brighter future just makes it easier to march forward into it.
(((Hugs)))
I imagine it only gets better from here - That wouldn't be the case if you had let her stay. That knowledge doesn't take the pain away, I know. A brighter future just makes it easier to march forward into it.
(((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
It hurts. Of course it hurts. And you've just lost someone else important to you. That is a lot of loss to absorb in a brief period of time. I'm so sorry, on both counts.
Just keep breathing.... Take care.
Just keep breathing.... Take care.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Big (((hugs))) to you. It seems a bit slow on the board at this time. Others will be along to respond as well. Please post here like crazy. There is so much care and support here. I'm so happy I found this place, and you will be too.
I'm so sorry for BOTH losses. I know you are grieving a lot right now. Please feel free to talk about it all you want. Like I said, a ton of caring people here.
Take good care of yourself.
I'm so sorry for BOTH losses. I know you are grieving a lot right now. Please feel free to talk about it all you want. Like I said, a ton of caring people here.
Take good care of yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: San Mateo, Ca
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by firebolt 
Sending you strength and peace.
I imagine it only gets better from here - That wouldn't be the case if you had let her stay. That knowledge doesn't take the pain away, I know. A brighter future just makes it easier to march forward into it.
(((Hugs)))
I imagine it only gets better from here - That wouldn't be the case if you had let her stay. That knowledge doesn't take the pain away, I know. A brighter future just makes it easier to march forward into it.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
Bigbasscat, I am so sorry for your heartache and all that disappointment and loss. But I am so proud of you for your bravery and insight, and willingness to make a healthy choice for yourself. Please do come here often, it's a healing and supportive place and you seem very much on a healing path. I'll be thinking of you.
And FireBolt, you are RIGHT ON that it feels awful but would feel way worse in the alternative. Thank you for that.
And FireBolt, you are RIGHT ON that it feels awful but would feel way worse in the alternative. Thank you for that.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Bigbasscat, you acted with strength and clarity. You did what you had to do. I'm sorry for your losses, especially in such close proximity to each other; what a tough spot to be...
I'm very close to your age and am watching my almost 20-year marriage wash away under a tide of alcohol and lies, and I understand your pain. It's sure not what I had planned either.
Remember, you're not alone. Please read and post here as much as you can, and perhaps look into Alanon if you need some in-person support.
Wishing you some peace today.
I'm very close to your age and am watching my almost 20-year marriage wash away under a tide of alcohol and lies, and I understand your pain. It's sure not what I had planned either.
Remember, you're not alone. Please read and post here as much as you can, and perhaps look into Alanon if you need some in-person support.
Wishing you some peace today.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
It's OK to be hurt and cry and do what you know is the right thing anyway.
I've been divorced three years. I'm close to 50. I cried this week about AXH continuing his downward spiral to where he's a hair away from one of those guys with a sign at the highway exit. If I had stayed, I would be right there next to him in the misery.
It's easy to put magical thoughts around people, be it first loves or "soul mates" (that expression makes me want to vomit) or "the love of my life." Truth is, someone who ruins our life and is self-destructive is not a good partner, no matter what we try to tell ourselves.
Let the pain be. It's not dangerous. Let it hurt until it's done. And then the relief will move in. As she moves out.
(Edited to fix my phone's ideas.)
I've been divorced three years. I'm close to 50. I cried this week about AXH continuing his downward spiral to where he's a hair away from one of those guys with a sign at the highway exit. If I had stayed, I would be right there next to him in the misery.
It's easy to put magical thoughts around people, be it first loves or "soul mates" (that expression makes me want to vomit) or "the love of my life." Truth is, someone who ruins our life and is self-destructive is not a good partner, no matter what we try to tell ourselves.
Let the pain be. It's not dangerous. Let it hurt until it's done. And then the relief will move in. As she moves out.
(Edited to fix my phone's ideas.)
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: San Mateo, Ca
Posts: 52
Thanks to all you guys, for something a little better, here's a photo of I and Primo, my surrogate father, on his 85th birthday:
If I turn out to be even half the man he was, I'll be OK.
If I turn out to be even half the man he was, I'll be OK.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by dandylion
bigbasscat, this is soo typical of an alcoholic. Just when you need them the most they will let you down in favor of the bottle.
Bigbasscat, are you saying it's your fault or do you mean she is saying it's your fault?
I am so sorry for your loss.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 73
what a nice photo. im sure your surrogate dad was a wonderful man. im so sorry for the pain and hurt you are feeling right now. ive been thru it so many times. you did what you felt you had to do- just like i did this week myself. thats a positive step in the right direction. it isnt easy, but hang in there and stand your ground. i once thought love would conquer all-even hubbys alcoholism-but boy was i wrong! we must not allow others to drag us down when we have done everything we can for them and they still refuse to see the problem. you will get thru this. you have support here. God Bless. Im so sorry for your loss.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Originally Posted by LadyinBC
This really hit home for me. I think of all the family things, I didn't do, the things I was suppose to do for my daughter and didn't. All for the booze. Looking back I can't believe I picked booze over her. However, I don't want to forget as I don't want to go back to that. This is why I love this forum. Reminds who I don't want to be.
Bigbasscat, are you saying it's your fault or do you mean she is saying it's your fault?
I am so sorry for your loss.
Bigbasscat, are you saying it's your fault or do you mean she is saying it's your fault?
I am so sorry for your loss.
Her position is that her drinking really isn't serious, and I'm taking it "too seriously."
What I believe she's attempting to do is minimize the reality of her addiction -she's well into the blackout phase when she gets to a certain point of drinking - and claims her DUI hit and run was because something was sticking out into the lane (she doesn't know what she hit) and the reason she didn't stop when she hit it was because there was no place to pull over and park. Oh yeah, she blew a .28 - First DUI, summary probation, fine and alcohol school. Did her first rehab behind that too.
See? there's always a reasonable explanation why whatever happened isn't as serious as it sounds...
My next problem I'm facing with her is that she wants to come to Primo's memorial, and if she's sober, no problem, if not, I have a real problem because it's entirely possible that she'd still show up.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
BigBassCat,
Thank you so much for sharing the picture with your Primo, that is lovely as are your words. I'm so sorry for your loss, I know it's harder to just grieve and feel that when you're hit with double losses right now, and I send you warmth and wishes for peace, it sounds like you're true to your heart and that will carry you far and forward.
As for you being "too serious" about her drinking, that strikes a deep chord with me. That was the beginning of the (fast) end for me. My exABF said my concern for him was exaggerated, trite, and emasculating, and that I needed to "chill out or find someone else" as he wouldn't drag me down and knew how to control his drinking. (After hiding it, drinking starting in the morning, and lying about not drinking after rehab, after almost dying in the ER/ICU).
Don't fall for that, I think that's called gaslighting? (If it isn't, it should have its own name). It's crazy-making behavior to say that you are the problem for being concerned about her very serious and legitimate drinking problem.
I will say though, there's an interesting and ironic bit of truth to their comments that your worry is "too serious." As I've leraned on here, detaching and being less concerned, letting them rise or fall, heal or hurt, grow or wither, on their own and when they're ready, is the only way. I really reconsider my "concern" now in that light. I think they say those sorts of things becuase they don't want it to be true that what they're facing is serious and, in fact, deadly. But if they can't find it important enough to take seriously, I don't think it's healthy for us to keep insisting.
You're brave and strong. Sending you healing vibes, a very hard time in both ways.
Thank you so much for sharing the picture with your Primo, that is lovely as are your words. I'm so sorry for your loss, I know it's harder to just grieve and feel that when you're hit with double losses right now, and I send you warmth and wishes for peace, it sounds like you're true to your heart and that will carry you far and forward.
As for you being "too serious" about her drinking, that strikes a deep chord with me. That was the beginning of the (fast) end for me. My exABF said my concern for him was exaggerated, trite, and emasculating, and that I needed to "chill out or find someone else" as he wouldn't drag me down and knew how to control his drinking. (After hiding it, drinking starting in the morning, and lying about not drinking after rehab, after almost dying in the ER/ICU).
Don't fall for that, I think that's called gaslighting? (If it isn't, it should have its own name). It's crazy-making behavior to say that you are the problem for being concerned about her very serious and legitimate drinking problem.
I will say though, there's an interesting and ironic bit of truth to their comments that your worry is "too serious." As I've leraned on here, detaching and being less concerned, letting them rise or fall, heal or hurt, grow or wither, on their own and when they're ready, is the only way. I really reconsider my "concern" now in that light. I think they say those sorts of things becuase they don't want it to be true that what they're facing is serious and, in fact, deadly. But if they can't find it important enough to take seriously, I don't think it's healthy for us to keep insisting.
You're brave and strong. Sending you healing vibes, a very hard time in both ways.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 73
My husband says the exact same thing. "why are you making such a big deal out of me drinking a little beer-liquor-etc? It's no big deal- you're the one with the problem, not me!" No- I am NOT the one with the problem and he can dissect it and analyze it all he wants- HE is the one with the problem-alcoholism! and HE is the problem when he drinks. You wouldn't believe the excuses I've heard for all his DUI's- "I wasn't drunk- I was having a seizure when the cop pulled me over". Well then why did you blow way past the legal limit? "I hit a wet spot in the road" (no rain for weeks that time). "that cop has it in for me" (the cop that stopped him had only been on the force in that county for one week when he pulled hubby over-he'd never seen him before!) The excuses go on and on. And the lies and cover-ups. yes, they will say and do anything to minimize the seriousness of their addiction. But it IS serious. Is there some way you could have someone watch for her and if she is drunk, have her removed from your Father's services?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I am sorry for your loss. And I mean both losses.
It's never as we planned. I thought I would be married forever. I thought we'd have a baby together (well, for a brief period of time I considered it).
We are now divorced; its heartbreaking but necessary.
But 54 isn't old yet! You still have plenty of life yet to live, and exciting adventures to be had.
Peace,
~T
Being 54 and watching my first love go down the drain on booze isn't how I had things planned.
We are now divorced; its heartbreaking but necessary.
But 54 isn't old yet! You still have plenty of life yet to live, and exciting adventures to be had.
Peace,
~T
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: San Mateo, Ca
Posts: 52
Sadie and Bobby, what you posted is absolutely true, and thank you.
Not to be OT, but I really didn't have a father, and everything I know about diplomacy, class and behaving respectfully and being honest I learned from Primo, and I can't believe the luck I had to know him. I was visiting him two weeks ago and it was a great day. I kissed him hello and goodbye and told him how much I loved him, and I've got no regrets, only good memories.
If the AGF isn't sober, she won't be coming with me. There's the possibility that she'd drive herself, but she might not have the courage to drive from my place to the memorial - it's a fair distance away, and she doesn't know the location - yet - and that might discourage her from making the attempt.
Not to be OT, but I really didn't have a father, and everything I know about diplomacy, class and behaving respectfully and being honest I learned from Primo, and I can't believe the luck I had to know him. I was visiting him two weeks ago and it was a great day. I kissed him hello and goodbye and told him how much I loved him, and I've got no regrets, only good memories.
If the AGF isn't sober, she won't be coming with me. There's the possibility that she'd drive herself, but she might not have the courage to drive from my place to the memorial - it's a fair distance away, and she doesn't know the location - yet - and that might discourage her from making the attempt.
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