Taking a vacation with the kids but not AH
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Good Morning Brothers and Sisters! We're at my friends house on Lake Michigan. The kids are having a blast and, no talk of drunky either. Just fun and work.
I didn't pick AH up from work because I texted him and said, "i came and got the truck, we're loading up. I'm happy to come get you if you will be civil," and he responded with some crazy **** so I just left with the kids. Forgot my swim suit, but whatever.
Then he called the kids while we were driving and told them he has a lot to think about. My youngest DS laughed, but they teenager (age 15) told him he will miss him and he loves him. Good responses, both.
My sister arrives from Florida on Tuesday, so we'll just go to my other sisters house with her then. I think I'll go home Sunday to rest for a few days and tend my garden.
The kids went body surfing in huge waves yesterday. I just sat on the beach and watched them for two hours. Made sure no one drowned. It was awesome. The sun, the sand, the trees. So healing.
It's weird that I start to miss AH, but then realize I'm just worried about him. I'm GLAD he's not here. He'd be drunk!
and now he's texting me wanting to know when we're coming back. He works early tomorrow, like at 6am. I am going to tell him to get a cab to work. We live literally a half mile from his work.
thank you to everyone. We do feel great being gone!
I didn't pick AH up from work because I texted him and said, "i came and got the truck, we're loading up. I'm happy to come get you if you will be civil," and he responded with some crazy **** so I just left with the kids. Forgot my swim suit, but whatever.
Then he called the kids while we were driving and told them he has a lot to think about. My youngest DS laughed, but they teenager (age 15) told him he will miss him and he loves him. Good responses, both.
My sister arrives from Florida on Tuesday, so we'll just go to my other sisters house with her then. I think I'll go home Sunday to rest for a few days and tend my garden.
The kids went body surfing in huge waves yesterday. I just sat on the beach and watched them for two hours. Made sure no one drowned. It was awesome. The sun, the sand, the trees. So healing.
It's weird that I start to miss AH, but then realize I'm just worried about him. I'm GLAD he's not here. He'd be drunk!
and now he's texting me wanting to know when we're coming back. He works early tomorrow, like at 6am. I am going to tell him to get a cab to work. We live literally a half mile from his work.
thank you to everyone. We do feel great being gone!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
That is great.
I really missed [What I wanted / wished] Mrs. Hammer could be regarding not taking our vacation.
HOWEVER . . . in the non-wish / non-want realm of the real world -- I did not miss what she has become.
Daughter said "weee! Three weeks -- no crazy!"
My wish for the same for you all. All Vacation -- No Crazy!
Still cannot believe I could actually pull it, and good for you on yours.
But I actually had to see it happen to accept that it has. Still settling in.
I really missed [What I wanted / wished] Mrs. Hammer could be regarding not taking our vacation.
HOWEVER . . . in the non-wish / non-want realm of the real world -- I did not miss what she has become.
Daughter said "weee! Three weeks -- no crazy!"
My wish for the same for you all. All Vacation -- No Crazy!
Still cannot believe I could actually pull it, and good for you on yours.
But I actually had to see it happen to accept that it has. Still settling in.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Hammer I totally relate. AH has been soooo angry. He is sending me angry texts and emails, accusing me of turning the kids against him.
I want to tell him that acting that way doesn't really make folks to be around him, even his family. But I think he's used to bullying us, throwing fits and we all scurry around, making a nice soft place for him to practice his addiction.
Now he'll have to do it alone.
I want to tell him that acting that way doesn't really make folks to be around him, even his family. But I think he's used to bullying us, throwing fits and we all scurry around, making a nice soft place for him to practice his addiction.
Now he'll have to do it alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
He is sending me angry texts and emails, accusing me of turning the kids against him.
He quacks, you shake it off and fly away!
Sounds like a lovely vacation.
Waves big enough to body surf!
*****!
Beth
Ya know, as a former practicing alky, we need NO help turning our kids against us.
We do a damn fine job of that ourselves.
It is that old responsibility thing.
Can't take it, so blame everyone else.
You are right! He WALKS one half mile to work while his children enjoy a wonderful,
carefree vacation. Geez, drunks, can't live with 'em, but sure can live without 'em!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you so much Beth. Here's the latest email I got:
It has made me feel pretty scared, but I'm going to go make food for the kids and try to figure out how to make a withdrawal from his account tomorrow when he gets paid. He said, "sorry too many bills to pay, good luck," when I asked about money. Dick.
Just to let you know, I have rearranged the house and freed up your stuff to make it easier for you to move out. Please look for a place
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
When I was done, I was resigned. No more anger and bitterness, I was just done.
It was the same for me. No feelings at all. Just apathy. It was over.
The Capitol, DC Museums, 4th of July Fireworks sitting next to the Washington Memorial. Only thing we missed was Shreveport and Ober Gatlingburg in Tennessee.
Gatlinburg is beautiful, and I do recommend it for next time.
Now that you know it can be done.
Good for all of you.
Beth, thank you for your relentless compassion and support
Beth
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It has made me feel pretty scared, but I'm going to go make food for the kids and try to figure out how to make a withdrawal from his account tomorrow when he gets paid. He said, "sorry too many bills to pay, good luck," when I asked about money. Dick.
sorry, too many kids to feed and house.
good luck!
oops, sound a little snarky?
LOL
yep.
his alcohol supply is way down on the list of things to worry about.
of course, he has a different view because he is a selfish drunk.
kids come first.
take care of you, so you can care for the kids.
He has lost all rights to responsibilities from what I can see.
Responsibilities cost money.
Like feeding and housing growing boys.
And they keep growing, and growing.
When does the appetite slow down?
Beth
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by wicked 
Hammer, sounds fantastic! Wow, I love all that stuff at the Capitol.
Gatlinburg is beautiful, and I do recommend it for next time.
Now that you know it can be done.
Good for all of you.
Of Course. Of Course.
How silly of me to worry.
Just realized. Last night's meeting was on money and resource management. Tradition Seven. Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
We model that for ourselves, our homes, our lives -- as We Practice These Principles in All Our Affairs.
The whole trip is already paid for because my broker (I am a contractor/engineer) put a slug of money through early while we were gone. A God Thing. I have NEVER had a customer pay early before.
Now let's hit the important stuff . . . .
It has made me feel pretty scared, but I'm going to go make food for the kids and try to figure out how to make a withdrawal from his account tomorrow when he gets paid. He said, "sorry too many bills to pay, good luck," when I asked about money. Dick.
Dear God,
Please Bless transformyself and her family as you heal their hearts, souls, and minds in the waves, waters, and sands.
Please turn their money problems to blessings to them and others, as they walk in Your will and Your way.
Amen
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Well I jsut vomited all over my friends daughters bathroom. Had to get out of the shower, all soaped up, to throw up. Why am I shaking? Why the hell am I throwing up?
Hammer thank you for the prayers thank you so much. I know I need to turn my fear and anger into gratitude and keep working.
Hammer thank you for the prayers thank you so much. I know I need to turn my fear and anger into gratitude and keep working.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Transform, you can do this. You're smart and capable. His actions are designed to throw you off-kilter and make you sweat.
He is showing you who he is today. You are validated in all of your suspicions about him. You were right all along.
Are you in any treatment for anxiety? Either way, it might be time to call your doctor and see about taking the edges off. I'm not a praying person, but I've been there and I can tell you that with time and patience, you and the kids will live in a peaceful home of your making.
He is showing you who he is today. You are validated in all of your suspicions about him. You were right all along.
Are you in any treatment for anxiety? Either way, it might be time to call your doctor and see about taking the edges off. I'm not a praying person, but I've been there and I can tell you that with time and patience, you and the kids will live in a peaceful home of your making.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you thank you.
Florence, please help me understand why anyone who says they love another would do something designed to throw me off kilter and sweat? Even as I write this though I'm reminded of the multiple times he's told me he said something to me to get back at me. Usually it was pretty ugly. I remember thinking at that time that I should NOT be in a relationship with someone that retaliates like that. I'm a lot of things, have a lot of my own issues, but I'm not a calculated meanie to those I love.
The kids made breakfast. left over steak and eggs. I'm taking them to the beach now.
I realized/am noting these things about myself:
I'm mostly afraid of financial insecurity, so Hammer's message is amazing to me right now. Thank you.
Also I've read again and again here about people who leave (in a blaze of glory sometimes) and make it. Just like Hammer. Just like so many. And they are so much happier. I just have to get to that place of faith right now.
-- ty Florence.
My immediate reaction to that is horror. why? I think I don't want to believe all of the ugly things about him, even though I have come here and raged about them. I feel like there are two of me, fighting within
I think also a huge issue is self esteem, what I think the Universe will grant me.
I think I'll go to the beach and listen to the sand. Yesterday, they showed me how magnificent each individual grain is, even in the context of the beach. Hard to articulate, but was very powerful.
Florence, please help me understand why anyone who says they love another would do something designed to throw me off kilter and sweat? Even as I write this though I'm reminded of the multiple times he's told me he said something to me to get back at me. Usually it was pretty ugly. I remember thinking at that time that I should NOT be in a relationship with someone that retaliates like that. I'm a lot of things, have a lot of my own issues, but I'm not a calculated meanie to those I love.
The kids made breakfast. left over steak and eggs. I'm taking them to the beach now.
I realized/am noting these things about myself:
I'm mostly afraid of financial insecurity, so Hammer's message is amazing to me right now. Thank you.
Also I've read again and again here about people who leave (in a blaze of glory sometimes) and make it. Just like Hammer. Just like so many. And they are so much happier. I just have to get to that place of faith right now.
He is showing you who he is today.
My immediate reaction to that is horror. why? I think I don't want to believe all of the ugly things about him, even though I have come here and raged about them. I feel like there are two of me, fighting within
I think also a huge issue is self esteem, what I think the Universe will grant me.
I think I'll go to the beach and listen to the sand. Yesterday, they showed me how magnificent each individual grain is, even in the context of the beach. Hard to articulate, but was very powerful.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
He is all of it. Jekyll and Hyde lived in the same body.
The only way to get over the pain is to march through it. On the other side is a world of peace and possibility. You're in the storm -- we can provide some shelter.
xxx
The only way to get over the pain is to march through it. On the other side is a world of peace and possibility. You're in the storm -- we can provide some shelter.
xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Think about going No Contact for the duration of your time away. You could send one text, let him know you're not sure when you'll return, but you will let him know when you decide. Then don't contact him after that, and don't take any phone calls/texts from him. When you see one, delete. You need to give your mind a rest from his tactics.
Close your eyes and listen to the sounds of the beach. Be gentle with yourself. You will get through this, you're already on a new path. (((hugs)))
Close your eyes and listen to the sounds of the beach. Be gentle with yourself. You will get through this, you're already on a new path. (((hugs)))
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
You can do this!
It will completely put you out of your comfort zone (as uncomfortable as that was, right!) so it is scary. Just remember all he is doing is saying words. Just because he says them does not mean it is real. He is afraid of change also and is saying whatever is necessary to keep things status quo.
I lived in a situation that I thought was going to be forever. I could not see a way out. But I made it for my kids. I acted strong and surrounded myself with people who would make sure I stayed strong, until one day I really was.
When you get scared and want to fall back into your old situation, look at your children and remember you are trying to make their lives better.
Once again, you can do this!
4MyBoys
It will completely put you out of your comfort zone (as uncomfortable as that was, right!) so it is scary. Just remember all he is doing is saying words. Just because he says them does not mean it is real. He is afraid of change also and is saying whatever is necessary to keep things status quo.
I lived in a situation that I thought was going to be forever. I could not see a way out. But I made it for my kids. I acted strong and surrounded myself with people who would make sure I stayed strong, until one day I really was.
When you get scared and want to fall back into your old situation, look at your children and remember you are trying to make their lives better.
Once again, you can do this!
4MyBoys
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you All
Thank you for telling me these things. thank you. Please tell me more. I have been reading and re-reading this thread. I can't tell you what all of your kindness and wisdom means to me. I wish I had a printer, so I could print it out and carry it with me.
I am fighting so much nausea. Florence, I'm not currently in treatment for my anxiety, but I'm sure that's why i threw up. I am really keeping myself centered and am going to go to the bank early tomorrow, right when it opens and try to take out some money before he transfers it to his checking account. It gets deposited in the savings, which I have access to, then he moves it to checking.
I so appreciate the messages that he's just trying to shake me up, but I am hoping this is really the end. Really. The end.
I am trying to stay calm and strong, for my kids and for our future.
I could not see a way out. But I made it for my kids. I acted strong and surrounded myself with people who would make sure I stayed strong, until one day I really was.
I am fighting so much nausea. Florence, I'm not currently in treatment for my anxiety, but I'm sure that's why i threw up. I am really keeping myself centered and am going to go to the bank early tomorrow, right when it opens and try to take out some money before he transfers it to his checking account. It gets deposited in the savings, which I have access to, then he moves it to checking.
I so appreciate the messages that he's just trying to shake me up, but I am hoping this is really the end. Really. The end.
I am trying to stay calm and strong, for my kids and for our future.
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