transformyself

and he doesn't know about it. Yet. I'm going to have to tell him at noon when he comes to get me to swap out the car.

While I build my new business, we openly talk about divorce. The kids and I do at least. Everyone knows it's coming, but AH stays in his denial. I'm not quite sure why he would want to stay with me and have told him this. He's so unhappy and apparently, much of it is my fault.

He was inebriated for all of his vacation, which was ten days. He's drunk every night. No change there, except the kids are home and so am I (I stopped traveling so I could fix my life, best decision I've ever made)

So, I'm packing us up today. I have a friend who has a house on Lake Michigan who has said we can stay with him for as long as we want. He's got a guest house fully furnished. He's a good friend to me, and I feel safe with him.

I would by lying if I said I'm utterly not concerned about telling AH that we're leaving, but I'm less anxious about that than staying here while he's off work for the next two days. He'll be constantly drinking, of course.

I know he'll be angry because I'm taking our only functioning car. As soon as we got the second car up and running, the radiator blew on the first one. He's been really freaking out about money lately. I think it's because he knows that if he didn't spend at least $30 daily on micro brew, high alcohol beer, that we would have enough money. But instead he's been targeting me, saying I need to bring in more money. Even though the money I"m making is going into the bank to fund my divorce and new life.

My best friend, who is a shining example of strength to me but not so much an Al-anon person, told me to leave him a note that says, "I took the kids on vacation, go eff yourself."

And while that made me laugh, it's not the way I want to handle it. Not exactly.

Sorry this is taking so long to get the the crux of the matter, I'm processing out loud I think.

So I'm not really angry anymore at AH. I know he won't stop drinking. I have been very clear that we don't want to be around his alcoholic drinking anymore, but only because I need to state my boundaries clearly, not because I think it will in any way impact him or his decisions to drink.

My friend said he would make steak for dinner for us tonight, and my best friend told me to tell AH that another man is feeding his sons steak, and that they should have steak every day but he's drinking it away.

She's right you know. But I have no desire to rub anything in his face. None. I think making plans and taking concrete actions to divorce is somehow taking away the anger towards him? I'm just eager to live on my own and support myself. Excited.

Anyone have this experience? That once the final wall comes down-- you know, that nagging question of 'have I finally have had enough?" --and you are finally taking action to leave do you find that it is both empowering and releases anger?

I'm also just a bit sad. For him. Just a bit. I think he won't be happier when we leave, he will miss his family. And possibly kill himself with drinking. It happens. But I think God every day that I'm no longer in love with this man. I have been released of the obsession, released from the pain. Now I just have pain to see my kids unhappy. Not him.

So I'll be explaining to him that we're leaving for an indefinite period when he comes to get me at noon. Please say a prayer for me to be kind but firm. That's how I feel about it. It's bizarre. No raging or blaming. Just getting us out of here.

transformyself

In fact, I think if he gets all worked up I will just say,

This is happening to you, right now.

I like that phrase a lot. It really encapsulates what is happening. He wants to stay in denial about what will happen to him if he keeps drinking. He wants to stay in denial about what he puts us through. Well, this honestly is a natural order of consequence.

This is happening now. So simple. We've talked about it enough, for sure.

OnawaMiniya

Wish I had some good words to offer you.

Just stay strong, follow your convictions. You and your kids are the most important thing.

Sending lots of positivity your way.

transformyself

Well that went well.

He came home in a great mood, had offered to pick me up so I could have the car today. I told him we were leaving. He was confused. I told him we were going for "awhile" and he left, with the car.

He works about ten minutes away. I just have to walk over there and get it.

I feel sick. The kids were here and just stared at him when I said, "we've been waiting for you to stop drinking and we're not waiting anymore. This is happening."

He told me I better have a ride because he needs the car.

transformyself

ok. Well he called me and said, "its not fair that you're taking the kids, it's not fair that I won't have a car," and I said, "we're not doing this to you to punish you. All I can say is its not fair we have to deal with you drinking day after day."

Then he said he was going to stop drinking. I said, 'Great! Please go to a detox facility so you are safe because the amount of alcohol you consume will make it dangerous to quit cold turkey."

Then he started screaming about how this relationship is a pain in his Ars, and I hung up.

Now we're packing and getting ready to go.

Florence

When I was done, I was resigned. No more anger and bitterness, I was just done.

There's nothing he could say or do to win me over today. It's not that I hate him or blame him, I've just been there, it was miserable, and I'm done with that now.

He ran with the car to blame you or punish you or control you. Don't be surprised if he wants a fight. Just remember you don't have to give him one. If he continues to refuse to give you access to the car, consider calling the police.

transformyself

Thanks Florence, that's good advice. The car is in my name. they both are as he has had his license revoked for drunk driving for the last 15 years. It's something I look forward to; not having to lie about him driving our cars in order to get insurance, not having to worry that he will have an accident.

That's the thing he doesn't understand. No judge will give him custody. He's a proven alcoholic and can't legally drive.

transformyself

The worst part, though, is knowing he will continue to dig in his heels and try to fight me. With this new resolve, I may be a little queasy after these exchanges, but damn it's easier than the alternative.

wicked

Do what you have to do transform.
I know you can do it, and so do you.
Get the car and go.
I love you and send you the strength needed to go.
No more words with the drunk, it will not hear anything you say.

You are the hero here, just do it.
Wow, a cabin on Lake Michigan!
Damn, if there ever was a time for me to get a car it is now!

Sincerely and with belief in your strength,

Beth

wicked

I love to read your quote by GiveLove, that signature says it all.

Beth

27cougar

I felt exactly that way when I left my first husband (alcoholic/addict). Once it was finally over, it was over and all I felt was relief. And exactly like you, it was good to put my energy into myself and my children so we could heal. Best to you on your journey.

unsureoffuture

Good for you! You are not stopping YOUR life or YOUR happiness because of HIS drinking. You set a boundary and you are sticking to it. You are setting a great example for your sons that his behavior is not to be tolerated and that life does go on. Enjoy yourself on the lake. Make some great memories with your boys in a relaxed and calm atmosphere.

transformyself

Thank you, All. Beth, thank you for your relentless compassion and support

transformyself

And thank you everyone. It's pretty scary to come here and speak my truth, but when the responses are honest, supportive and kind it's easier to feel safe.

We're all on different paths. I'm just trying to do the right thing.

Hammer

Can tell what we did . . .

Just back yesterday from a three week vacation for me and the kids. Mrs. Hammer was invited to attend all or any part, but declined for all but the last half of the last day. For my part I had to actually see and experience that, else I could not believe just how far she has crapped downward. I tend to have a strong denial complex. But things are what they are.

At the end we wound up coming back through Shreveport about 12 hours later than planned and missed Sci-Port and Mrs. Hammer. Zero = Zero. Things are what they are.

Our trip/vacation was a make-up from back at Christmas. Cancelled everything to cover Mrs. Hammer's rehab and my time-off due to that.

So I worked extra through the Spring, banked us back up, and the kids got their trip. Visited family, had a great time, got to see most everything on their list between Texas and DC and back. The Capitol, DC Museums, 4th of July Fireworks sitting next to the Washington Memorial. Only thing we missed was Shreveport and Ober Gatlingburg in Tennessee.

But the kids picked up souvenirs and various treasures for Mrs. Hammer along the way and gave them to her last night.

My advice -- Go. Enjoy. And forget for a week or three you married a drunk.

ps. Michigan is my list if I can sneak in another week or two this Summer.

OnawaMiniya

It's good that you said that. Know you aren't alone in that it can be hard to come and speak your truth here. It is hard for me too sometimes. And I'm sure, for others as well. But what you said about feeling safe here, yes. This is a great place.

dandylion

transform, you find out how much courage you actually have when courage is the only option. Exactly when you need it--it appears. I have no doubt that you will face every challenge as it appears--one day at a time.

I remember the relief that I felt when I divorced my children's father. Oh sure, he tried to give me any manner of crap--but, I knew that I would never turn back. Peace of mind is too much o f a treasure. I have never regretted that decision. He never did change a bit, by the way.

You have done the right thing for yourself--and, especially the children. Now you and the boys can make some great memories by the lake--as unsureoffuture suggested.

Good show. Keep us informed, eh?

dandylion

Rosiepetal

Good for you transform for making a healthy choice for you & your children.
I am a working solo mum who supports herself & her children, it can be done & you can go on to live a healthy life together.
I wish you the very best.

LoveMeNow

I hope the time away gives your clarity and strength.

If I may offer one unsolicited word of advice? Take a real break from him. Don't talk about him at all especially with the kids. No alcoholic talk, isn't this nice talk, nothing. Allow your kids to be free from it all.

I had to learn the hard way, My kids imposed a "no dad talk" rule and I really thought I had made every effort not to and effors not to let them hear me talk to other adults. It's amazing what kids pick up on, that we miss.

FlyerFan

Good decision girl. Sometimes you just have to remove yourself and your kids from the situation entirely to protect yourselves. He won't stop until he's really ready to no matter what he tells you. As for the car if its in your name take that too before he wrecks it. (sorry to be blunt but as a person in recovery myself I know that we will destroy anything anyone gives us!)