Not2Old2Learn

In learning to care for myself and create my own happiness that I am most successful when I set up stuff to do in advance filling my week with appointments I put off or get togethers with friends. I will put a plan days here and there with no appointments or friends to be by myself. I either settle into a good book or get busy around the house. I actually enjoy my alone days more when I keep a busy schedule. I live for them!

My XABF also made the statement to me that I can't handle being alone. Have to say I love it and have been learning not only what it means to take care of yourself but enjoying all the benefits of doing so while being single. I'm in no rush to jump into a relationship and have another person competing with me for my time.

I wish I learned this years ago vs jumping into another life sucking relationship to chase the attention I craved. Now I crave my own attention and enjoy it. It takes getting used to but the benefits are well worth it.

DreamsofSerenity

Arg, I know you are going to feel very differently about everything when the Prosac kicks in. I do not think you are pathetic in the least. It just seems like a bunch of stuff came together at once for you (break up, menopause, depression). That is a serious crap load to deal with.

ZenMe

Funny how the alkie exs think you are already dating someone else because they can't be alone themselves. Breaking the cycle baby! (Imagine George Costanza).

LexieCat

After my last relationship ended, over eight years ago, I attempted one date (lol, I say "attempted" because it didn't amount to more than a conversation), had maybe a month or two of "breakup sex" with the ex, and since then I have been on indefinite hiatus from relationships. Not looking, not interested.

The more I am alone, the happier I am that way, and the more disruptive it feels to bring someone into my life to that extent. I won't say "never again," but it's hard to imagine, right now, finding anyone who would be worth disrupting my life for. I love being able to eat, sleep, go out, buy stuff, do stuff, without having to factor in someone else's needs. Maybe that's just my inherent selfishness, but it's how I feel right now. I'm almost 57, and up until that last breakup I was constantly either in a relationship or working on getting into one. Guess I've just had enough.

Argnotthisagain

Thanks Dreams...good points you make.... And I've never done well with break-ups, even under the best of circumstances!

Phew, that's a lot.
Thank you so much. Seriously.

(by the way, good does happen===I'm developing a wonderful friendship with a woman who is just the best. We've been friends for a few years, but due to work, she wasn't able to put any time into friendships. Now that she's off work, she has time, and I'm so glad!!

She's caring and loving and nurturing, had a train-wreck upbringing herself, is hilarious, and practices the same form of Buddhism as I do. Gratitude!

Spent 4th of July with her and her wife. And the wife likes me! LOL!! Wife is kind of a Grumpy Old Man so to get the stamp of approval is a big deal!! )

Actually, the exact right people have showed up when I needed them all through this mess. Would be too long to explain it all, but typing this made me look back and think about it. More Gratitude...

DreamsofSerenity

Arg, That's great about the new friend and her grumpy old wife! My bff is gay too. I like it. We never talk about men which is healthy for me.

You seem better already! I know that feeling of gratitude; I get it when I do yoga and it's the exact opposite of depression. It's being able to see all the beauty in life that we are blind to while we are depressed.

Lexy, you can not start dating some dude who will eff up your newly un-effed habitat!

ZenMe

I concur with dreams. I may be helping some lesbians move in exchange for pizza and a neck rub!

ZenMe

So I have made a decision to not date the rest of the year. One of my friends says "whatever if you meet the right girl it won't matter".

Well my time frame is 6 months. If I meet someone with in the time frame then it's the wrong time. I would say "you seem really nice let's reconnect in January". You may think I may be passing up a once in a lifetime person (white buffalo), however if I break my rule I pass up another once in a lifetime person that is really important, me. This is also a testament of me being able to truly make and honor my own boundaries.

Now if it were, I'm going to not date for 5 years, then my friend's comment would apply.

What do you think?

Hammer

I think that we are all maybe snake-bit scared.

Having been bitten, we tend to be afraid that there are more snakes out there than there are.

I think that MOST of the folks in the world ARE NOT Alkies, Addicts, Nutz, etc.

I think just MOST of the available ones we seem to meet are.

LexieCat

I think it's a GREAT idea. Six months will give you a breather, a chance to regroup, a chance to give a little thought for what kind of woman you'd really like to spend your time, energy, and emotions on.

I think you are a very wise young man.

Oh, except for your unusual attraction to buffaloes and unicorns.

ZenMe

I just noticed that haha. My unicorn turned into a buffalo, still white so it counts...maybe it's because a white buffalo actually exists. Unicorns are not of this realm.

POAndrea

I think that most of us with alcoholic partners ARE alone, even if married or in a relationship. We live with someone who is emotionally unavailable on a good day and is unreliable if not incapable of meeting a household's everyday needs. (How many times have we gone to a child's dance recital or hockey game alone because he's too drunk put his pants on?) I can't remember the last time I went to a dinner party, because people stopped inviting us. (If he didn't act badly, then he just didn't show up and so threw the numbers off.) My best friend just remarked on the similarities in our lives now that she is a new widow, and it just knocked breath out of me.

ZenMe

Yes we do become alienated and alone when in a relationship with an alcoholic. Sounds like your situation is especially bad POAndrea.

This thread is more about us being OK with being alone and becoming stronger so that the next time we meet someone be it any kind of relationship we are not using them as a means to escape and not deal with our own issues.

sadielady

POAndrea, that takes my breath away too. I send you a hug for the loneliness of that.

I do think there is a vast difference between loneliness and alone though, and what I'm striving for (and absolutely ZenMe, what I was going for with this quote and this thread) is the kind of alone that feels good, good in its groundedness in ME, but not lonely.

ZenMe, I think your plan is a great one. While I haven't set a date necessarily, I'm in exactly the same place and definitely don't want to even think about dating for months.

In the years I've been dating (after taking a break after divorce -- my exH was not an alcoholic but was emotionally unavailable other ways), I realize I haven't taken the necessary breathers after I dated someone. SOME break but not enough. And my recent ex (the exABF) is the 3rd real relationship, I realize now I may have waited a few months in each case but I'm realizing not longenough to BOTH heal and regroup and sort out some of my own stuff here before just heading back out there.

And this time it's clear to me that I have some real healing to do. While these 3 ex's and my ex-husband all have different stuff going on, ALL 4 were emotionally unavailable in some way, and ALL 4 were not good choices for my codependent tendencies, as I was drawn to their mysterious, reflective, soul-searching, artistic or creative ways and enjoyed the intensity of believing in them, helping them, being right there with them in their struggles. i realize in each case, all different, that was NOT healthy. I think only one of the 4 was really truly engaged in his own growth, and that one feels healthiest in my heart and soul but we had different reasons we didn't last. But for sure the other 3, I was in a pattern of excessive caretaking. WOW. I really hadn't put that all the way together.

So for me, getting a real grip on what the heck that is about for me and learning a different way !!! before I date again is imperative.

I've been thinking a lot about this. In many ways I think I'm overall way healthier and have handled ending each one successively better, quicker, cleaner, and in a way more true to myself, but whoa. (Crazy to think the one that I didn't really end but we ended together was the only mostly healthy relationship. In the others it's also me extracting myself, with some amount of serious heartache and self-torture).

(Babbling I suppose, this just feels like a million lightbulbs going off....)

sadielady

fwiw,

#1 ExH was emotionally stunted from a suicidal mom and bipolar dad, no substance abuse but so emotionally limited I likened it with colorblindness to help heal from it.
#2 I suspect may have been alcoholic, most definitely a Narcissist and a RAGER.
#3 the healthiest, pretty damn connected with his stuff, very open and growing, but a free spirit wanderer (travels around the globe all the time) and we couldn't make that last (I'm a single parent rooted where I am).
#4 my exABF, a (mostly) kind hearted lovely human being who can't and won't get out of his own way, alcoholic through and through.

Just realizing this all connects.

I'm ready to put this crap to bed. It makes me really sad, at the same time I feel I'm done with all that garbage. Not willing to treat myself like that anymore, so much devaluation in these choices.

brightstar43

This has been a great post for me. I too struggle with not being in a relationship, another love junkie! However my relationship taught me that you can feel very very alone with an alcoholic. I much prefer actually being out of it because at least I have hope for a brighter happier future. I'm sad and deflated at present, this guy has knocked the stuffing right out of me literally but I just keep saying this too shall pass. And I will be cautious and ask certain questions before I get into another serious relationship. Lesson learned big time......do not date alcoholics! Absolutely no way. I'm going to put that top of the list

ZenMe

I am very much like you sadielady. I have given myself time between relationships but not enough to sort my own stuff out to not make the same mistake again. One big one I am looking out for, is when I do get emotionally involved to keep my sense of identity, my rationality and be able to pull the trigger if necessary before I get wrapped up. Once again I saw some big red flags that I didn't act on because I was enjoying the sweet love addiction.

For example the 1st month dating xagf she would want a hear to heart (at night after she had been drinking) with me once a week to blabber about how we need to break up and how we just wont work because the sun is setting on the wrong side of endor. Fine I would say, let's talk about it tomorrow...

Why didn't I RUN? *bangs head*

ZenMe

Danylion in another thread posted
This is why I actually wanted to message my x the quote in this thread (shes already dating a new guy). It's her low self esteem that caused her to be in a terrible relationship before she met me, and there were MEGA flags. I didn't understand why she would put up with such BS, I get it now...low self esteem and what she was used to...she is the last person you would think to have low self esteem (attractive, successful, etc).

of course I didn't message her, but this is part of the being alone piece, building up that esteem =). This quote is on my phone to remind me.

hah see the codie in me? =x

grizz

I dream of being alone...and I get snippets of what that would be when the AW goes out of town. I can see friends that I normally dont see, I can hang out with the kids and not have to worry about a scene. I can have a cold beer (over even two!!) with out having to worry about it. Ahhhhh normalcy


grizz

sadielady

ZenMe -- sooooo great for you that you didn't text even when you wanted to!! That's huge.

I've been thinking of a real break myself too, and I think your posts helped me solidify that intention. In the past I may have activated my online profile way too soon, out of boredom or pain or avoidance maybe, not really wanting to date... gone out out dates... and sort of unintentionally found myself dating again. ALSO not good.