ZenMe

thanks, well I know I can't help anyway, people change if they want to, and rarely change, all on them. I'm also sticking to the boundary. Seeing her hop to someone else just further motivates me that I need to be alone and truly work on myself. Learning by watching others mess up if you will.

Yea I totally felt the urge to start an online profile, but those are work and drain your energy, not to mention it's so easy to get hopeful and feel rejected on a website if you aren't in the right mindset. For me Less is more right now. I'm feeling stronger and my extra time is slowly becoming more productive/effective with new things I'm doing.

ZenMe

A friend of mine also reminded me that between my Xs where I had 3 months, I had been hanging out with another girl strictly as friends for those 3 months. So I really need this.

4MyBoys

Take some time if you can.

Until now I never really thought about it but I have always been with someone. I love being in love. I have been with my STBXAH since I was 22. Had serious boyfriends before that. I only ever lived alone for about a year. But always had a boyfriend.

I have been out of the marriage house for going on two years now. (Time flies) I thought I would wither up not having someone. Well guess what? That didn't happen. I found I like keeping the house clean without a drunk to mess it up or yell at me for not keeping it how he would. I like starting art projects and leaving the paints out. I like when my kids make a fort in the livingroom and I can leave it up all week. I love going to visit a girlfriend to go swimming with the kids at her house at a moments notice.

I like finding out who I am, probrobly for the first time in my life. And not making my needs fit with someone elses. It is nice! And I have found out this mom wants to ditch the Mom car because I am really a Jeep kind of girl! I had no idea!!!! I like runny 5K races. (Well walk/Jog but I am doing them!) I like Zombie movies! Who knew!!!!

You can't know any of that if you are giving all you energy to someone who just drains it. I have two kids and they take my time but in no way drain my energy.

Go find out who you are or become the kind of person you always wanted to be, then meet someone new. And then you will make magic.........

4MyBoys

Lyssy

Thanks for this thread. I can so relate to much of it. Especially being lonely but not alone (by myself) when with the A.

It makes me feel less lonely knowing others are experiencing the same!

LifeRecovery

I have really enjoyed this thread.

My therapist hit me hard this week with a simple statement "Your relationship with "exAH name" was a big distraction for you, and it kept you from feeling your own stuff."

I hate when she is right.

I have not worked this through completely, but I am glad I am taking time off from the distraction and healing myself. Last week I had a vision that my once gaping wound was starting to be sewn up and is pulling back together.

Not2Old2Learn

LR


Your therapist is wise. I have learned through my own journey these past 3.5 years that I have either kept myself distracted both during the relationship as well as afterwards. Actually it has only been in the last year and a half that I have truly started to explore my own self care. Prior to that after the relationship ending I spent my energy mourning, hoping or thinking of ways to motivate (aka control) getting back together. Once I let go and let be I only had myself to evaluate.

While I wouldn't ever want to relive the experience I left behind I'm grateful for everything I've learned and the strength I've gained in the process. Sure there are times I wish I could be in a relationship and enjoy things like a hug, a look, and falling asleep on someone's arms vs alone. I even think of him and miss him from time to time. But I know he's gone and left shortly after the relationship started. He love of rum and coke runs much stronger and keeps him from being able to love another. So I let the feeling pass and work on loving and caring for myself. It is an investment I hope one day will prepare me for a real relationship where there is balance in giving and receiving.

Hang in there. It's not easy to face ourselves at times but facing those challenges has great benefits. Once you face them you no longer have to avoid them. You can embrace them and honor yourself in your as well as in friendships and/or relationships.

LifeRecovery

Not2-

Oh I am almost three years out from the relationship ending. The hurt is way more about the statement (and how I am in the world), then it is is about the relationship at this point in time.

I have realized that I do this not just with intimate relationships, but with friendships also.

Until I can hold my own when in relationship, and trust myself to do that I will not be in an intimate relationship. I am okay with that. I am working on the skills with old friends now, and how I work with new friends.

Hammer

mkay, driving back into the big city, listening to (yet more) Taylor Swift (hmmmm) I got to pondering about why I seem to be the Sole "It is not good for the man to be alone" person on this topic.

Here is what I am thinking. First, I am Uniquely Exceptional. (Thanks, LuLu on bringing that term up).

Second, with all of you (codies, not ME, of course), here is what I am hearing you say: You lost yourself chasing some A into their addiction, and now need to Be-Alone-To-Rediscover-Thy-Own-True-Self. Again does not apply to me. Mrs. Hammer came looking for me. I am good with me.

And finally. Sleeping together. Not just talking slamajama. Sleeping together. Both all naked, twisted together like snakes, whispering I Love You in each other's ears, and a little kiss. Drifting off and staying that way all night. Waking up the same with another I Love You and another little kiss. Musing about that all day, and repeat the same that night.

I could do that every night for the rest of my life. Preferred with the same somebody.

We spend 1/4 to 1/3 of our lives asleep. This is a real quality of life thing to me.

So my Brain-Trust. How do you do that alone?

grizz

Yeah we may spend that much time in bed, but when you deal with the smell of wine or vodka, snoring that could wake the dead, the quality of sleep is in the toilet. You walk around during the day like a zombie from sleep depravation. When the AW is gone doing her art thing I sleep like a rock, dont have to sleep with one cheeck off the bed and the morning looks a bit clearer. Just my 2 cents

grizz

4MyBoys

Hammer,

I miss the physical side of a relationship a lot also. I have been out for almost two years now. I have literally been brought to tears thinking about holding hands with someone I have crush on.

I have always felt I am strong, not a "Codie" and my ex sought me out and just brought all his crap and threw it on my lap.

Something to chew on is this, Why do you stay? You must be getting something out of it? I hate the term "Codie". I will never call myself that. But I do recognize that I was willing to stay and stay with someone who developed a poisoned mind and body (alcohol), hoping things would get better. And worse yet, is I kept my kids around him. If he had taken up the hobby of shooting guns in the house or throwing knives at us, I would have moved out. Why did I stay when he was hurting us with his drinking?

I wanted with someone shortly after I left, but now that I am away from it for a while I see the situation I was in more clearly. It is like staring at a pointillism painting too close, you can't really see what the image is until you move farther back.

This is the clarity most of us here are trying to find.

4MyBoys

sadielady

Hammer,

I miss that too. Terribly. Reading what you wrote and revering how recently I had that kind of intimacy with someone I loved takes my breath away for a minute.

BUT

I chose to give that up and a hundred other things I put on the positive scale of a life together because none of it is honest or solid or sustainable or healthy when the other person doesn't fundamentally honor himself and his life and health and can't live an honest life. It is impossible to reconcile to me that he could be able to give and share and grow with me in any meaningful way when his fundamental relationship with himself is based on hiding, lying, and destruction.

So, yah, I give up the sheer bliss of that bodies entwined feeling you describe. And good lord it was wonderful with my exABF. But that's a choice. I would rather find that again -- and I will -- with someone who can also share his heart and life and growth and joy in an honest way. Because only then can we be healthy together.

I get why people stay. I have made that choice before. Not again.

Jazzman

I've been single since 2004. Been on dozens of first dates and dated a couple women off and on. No serious mutually exclusive intimate relationship since Mel. I have a pattern of all or nothing with relationships and historically have many years single and many years attached.

You know what? I'm really happy right now. My life is very uncomplicated. It's all about me right now. Racked up some great travel and dive trips. Do what I want when I want. From twenty five to fifty my life was all about the kids. At fifty three it's all about me.

Hammer

Grizz, my brother. I feel I can say this safely in the spirit of friendship and goodwill that is intended, as you are in the Pac NW, and I am around 1000 miles away, in Texas . . .

That aint a wife you are describing . . . that is a freakin' pig.

Felt that maybe someone should point that out.

Just trying to help.

ZenMe

That's part of their vampiric charms eh? Mine was wonderful too, can't even touch my previous ex. They charm you I tell ya!

Sing it sister! Just a matter of time, and if we can recognize and honor the red flags/boundaries we are on our way.

Hammer

Just figured I was doing "the next right thing."

She has been a mess since rehab. Seven months now.

Did some chewing on that here >>>

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-well.html

Talked around some AA and Alanon, too, and background PMs on here.

Looks like the first 3 months is typically nutz.

By 6 months things are generally better.

By 1 year things have stabilized into good working relationships.

We are at 7 months and heading south.

I have set the countdown timer for 148 days, (return from rehab was 8 Dec 2013), and on or before then, things are massively better or done.