whatisnext

I sincerely thank all of you for your responses and understanding. After doing some soul searching yesterday, I have decided to continue with no contact. Just hearing from him caused me anxiety. I can't only assume that it would get even worse if I were to hear him out. I'm putting myself first and doing what is right for me and only me!!!

butterfly2013

Great update! You can never go wrong with taking care of yourself and putting yourself FIRST!

NYCDoglvr

Feel your feelings and close the door on the past. Making amends is one of the 12 Steps and I wouldn't read anything more into the call than that. He may be in recovery but he is still an alcoholic and it takes many years to change.

Taking5

What form will this "amends" take? An apology does not equal an amends. If he is going to make financial amends, or really undo some damage he has done in the past, I would be open to it. However I am not sure what his amends will consist of.

Diva76

[QUOTE=EnglishGarden;4053939]It is very common for alcoholics to loop back months or years later with an idea of resuming a relationship. Very common.

To the original poster<May I please cut in for a moment, to ask the following question?

Thank you, in advance....Btw, I can totally get why your feelings are all over the place. Especially, if you two were really close at one point....
If it was me, I would be willing to hear him out, but as some of the other members have said, I concur that you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with....And...if he's truly in recovery, he will be more than happy to honor your boundaries.....

And now for my question:

English Garden, would you be able/willing to share your experience regarding why it is common for alcoholics to loop back months or years later with the idea of resuming a relationship?

I wonder why this is? Is it because they truly valued the person they hurt so much or is it because they "think" they still know how to push that person's buttons?

Of course, if you're not comfortable expanding on your comment, you have my word right here, right now, that I will honor your boundaries!

All the best,


Linda

EnglishGarden

It is no trouble to answer Linda's query.

It was my experience that the alcoholic contacted me many months later to test the waters, and every woman I know who has been involved with an active alcoholic or drug addict heard from the exabf months or, in a few cases, years later.

But when I read in "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews that this is a very common pattern, I realized that I and the recovering women I knew were inside a pattern, or what I would call the addiction/codependency syndrome. And in our isolation we would not have known this is a pattern in relationships of this kind. I did not know when it happened to me many years ago. Most exes of addicts do not know. But I think knowing this is a pattern helps us stay in reality and not suffer the illusion that the alcoholic cannot live without us, will not survive without us, or is our destined soulmate no matter what. From my perspective, this looping back is part of the disease as it affects the alcoholic or drug addict and as it affects us.

Toby Rice Drews in "Getting Them Sober" uses the term "alcoholic radar" to describe the common event of the alcoholic--who has not been heard from for months or years--suddenly contacting the codependent just as she is beginning to feel truly free of him and of the relationship. Drews says it is as if the alcoholic's radar picks up on this and he comes in just at that critical moment. And often, the codependent--moved by his emotional plea that she is and always will be his angel--steps right back on the crazy train with him. For me, it took only a few months of resuming the relationship via couples counseling before I was slammed by reality again and finally, completely, let go. But I have recovering female friends who rode that on-again-off-again ride many times over before they finally truly gave up and walked away for good.

When an alcoholic, expressing what seems to be remorse and regret, contacts the still-vulnerable codependent, it is a big fat worm on the end of a hook for her own compulsion to rescue, to understand, to support, to forgive, and to find meaning for her life by believing in someone's potential and in the potential of healing a relationship she wants so very much to have. It is almost always a devastating experience to have a relationship with someone in active addiction or a sober person who still has alcoholic thinking and behaviors. It leaves the codependent shaken, shamed. It takes work for her to get well again. And there is often a deep part of her which longs for the sweet times she had with the alcoholic, the intense times, the tender unforgettable moments. Many alcoholics express a beautiful Dr. Jekyll, it is a very seducing personality, and it can lay open the codependent's heart so completely that when Mr. Hyde emerges, she is without protection.

So that was my concern about the OP having a face to face with her exabf. If she is not at a stage in her recovery in which she realizes that nothing he does or says can hurt her, then it is a risk to meet with him. What someone says to us can never be unsaid. And if it has power over us, then we might become emotionally ill all over again.

I think we need to be in a good recovery state of mind to be able to sit with someone who is ready to do a sincere 9th step with us. And my understanding of the 9th step is that it works best if the alcoholic opens with "I need to know in what ways I hurt you and I need to know what actions I can take to make amends for my behavior."

involved

I believe Toby Rice Drews caution was "It's hard to loose an alcoholic' ... Also have persinal experiance.