Woodman123

This is my first post to this site, but I'd like to thank all who have posted here- much of what has been shared has been very helpful, and comforting to me. My alcoholic wife has recently returned from a 28-day rehab stay. While I won't belabor the details of getting her there, suffice to say she was a closet drinker for years and despite my suggestions that she had a problem she was in complete denial until a series of extreme public intoxications that required emergency care. At least she did go on her own and admitted being an alcoholic to me and the immediate family (good!). Unfortunately, despite apparently good acknowledgement of her disease in closed circles, she is adamant about not having ANYONE else know of this.... ever. Even to a few very close childhood friends of hers (who have also dealt with personal/health/family problems) who would be very supportive, she continues to lie about her whereabouts for a month and will not admit any problem. Her one friend wants to drink socially, and my wife will find any lie possible to avoid. I myself have confided in a few work colleagues who are very close friends. I did this for myself as I was falling apart at work and needed people to lean on in the years leading up to her hitting bottom and going to rehab. Now my wife says I was selfish and made myself feel better at her expense. She hates me for this and says I betrayed her. How can I get her to see that covering will only lead to more problems? This aspect of denial really worries me, because this is what got her into trouble with the bottle from the beginning. Thanks for any advice/encouragement!

Florence

I always said I wouldn't lie for my AH. Instead when others pried, I would say we quit drinking, if others asked why I would say health problems. All true as far as I'm concerned. Now that we have separated, I'm open about it.

I've heard people say over and over that recovery is a program of honesty. Rigorous honesty! Ask your wife, what does your sponsor say to do? How do they recommend you handle this in meetings? I agree that her urge to conceal is troubling. Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do about it.

If you are not comfortable concealing the problem with her, don't. You can't keep her in bubble wrap. There is no one way to be to keep her sober. She's on this journey alone really.

Mountainmanbob

kasie

Welcome Woodman!

So glad you found us here

For many years (and multiple rehab stints) I hid my A's drinking problem and so did his family. No-one (including close friends) knew. So, while that was good for him as he could reach out to me and his immediate family for support, along with counsellors and psychiatrists from the rehab center, it didn't do me any good as there wasn't anyone to support me when I needed it - and I felt that I couldn't reach out because I'd be betraying his trust.

Eventually, at the guidance of his rehab counsellor, I attended AlAnon where I learnt that I was just as sick too, and needed support! It was in AlAnon that I learn that perpetuating the denial associated with the disease just makes it worse - both for the alcoholic and for us, and that it's ok to have feelings and share them with others.

From there, I made it to the point where I told a select few people (including some close work colleagues) about his drinking, and more importantly, it's impact on me and how it affected me. It wasn't so much about his drinking problem - but more about how I was feeling and what help I needed to make it through. After that, things got a million times better!

For me, when I share about my A's drinking, I don't share to have a whinge about his behaviour, actions, etc. I share about MY experiences with it, how I'm feeling and how I've been affected. That, to me, isn't a breach of trust - because it's about me (which, until recently was a novel idea - another thing I've learnt in AlAnon - that I'm special and important too!).

Wishing you much strength

mick3580

If you read the book "alcoholics anonymous: the story of how many thousands of MFN and women have recovered from alcoholism" you will find suggestions for you as the spouse on how to deal with your wife. I Highly recommend it.

LexieCat

As an alcoholic who has been sober almost five years, your wife's attitude is both understandable and worrisome. From your post, she seems to think that the rehab stay "fixed" her--is she going to AA or any other kind of aftercare program?

I don't think it's all that unusual for the very newly sober to be terrified that anyone will know their "secret." IF she continues with AA or a similar program her attitude will probably change. If she does not continue with any kind of support for her recovery and feels that she is completely "fixed" and no one must ever know, she is likely to wind up picking up a drink again.

I am fairly selective about who I confide in. To most friends, colleagues, and acquaintances I simply say that I no longer drink. If they ask why, I simply say that I decided it wasn't good for me. Period. They can draw whatever conclusions they like. If someone were to ask me point blank if I am an alcoholic I would tell them the truth.

So I think your wife will have to accept the fact that you confided in friends about her when you were very worried and needed support. It's up to her who she confides in--she doesn't necessarily need to tell her friends and family, but she should at least have some kind of support system or she is headed for trouble, IMO.

Springs

Welcome! I've told all of my good friends and immediate family. I don't care what (R?)AH thinks of it. I need the support. Isn't this a good way for you to practice boundaries? You can tell her that you need to be honest for your own recovery from the family disease of A and then refuse to discuss it with her further. She doesn't have to agree with you, but she should stop trying to make you feel bad about it, and if she continues to try to make you feel bad, think about what your own consequences will be. My AH hasn't told almost anybody. Even though we're married, we have different friend circles and it concerns me that he's not reaching out to his friends for support. Nothing I can do though if he's not ready. Sorry you're going through this - it is so hard!

dandylion

Woodman, I say to do what you need to do for yourself. If your wife gets mad--then she can stay mad until she gets glad.

My guess is that you have been walking on eggshells for a number of years. And, that gets old....very old.

dandylion

Katiekate

How can I get her to see that covering will only lead to more problems?

You can't.

And you have done nothing wrong, this is her stuff, her alcohlism.

You get to have support too. It is impossible for her to see that , she is full of shame, it is not your shame, it's hers.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, Woodman.

The idea of you seeking support being a betrayal of her is a common one. I got it, too.

However, the other posters are right in the sense that you can't "get her" to do anything...in time, if she works a strong recovery program, she may come to the conclusion herself that she put you in a situation to begin with to seek support elsewhere, given she was unavailable to offer it as she was too busy drinking.

I'd let it go and give it time, and refuse to discuss this "betrayal" for a while. It really is a non-issue right now anyway...the real issue is will she stay sober.

fourmaggie

for me, being in AL ANON...

i would confront her and tell her what I am going to say if people ask...(then your up front about it...)then maybe she can see that YOU ARE NOT ENABLING her behaviour or character defect...because really that for the A to change....

yep she needs to see her sponsor and start TALKING....and STEP #1 is the most important STEP...

(i just wonder if she is still in denial...)--but you dont need to be any more...

LexieCat

I dunno, I think now that she's out of rehab and not actively drinking, there is nothing wrong with protecting her privacy to the extent possible. I don't think it's enabling when you do that--she has plenty of consequences already without adding to them. You shouldn't LIE for her, but it's perfectly OK, IMO, to simply tell people she had a health problem and that you aren't comfortable discussing her personal health issues.

This goes for people who are just curious, NOT people who YOU need to confide in for support. It's hard enough to get sober and stay that way without people spreading around gossip about what your problem is. And the thing is, once you've told someone you can't guarantee that it WON'T become a topic of gossip. So I'd be judicious about with whom you choose to share information about HER problem.

Eddiebuckle

Woodman, I experienced exactly the same thing with my mother, who ultimately went to rehab twice but never overcame her disease. There is a saying in AA that describes my mother while she was alive: "we are as sick as our secrets." With my brother, sister, and Father, I had to make the decision to remove her from life support when her body could no longer take the abuse incurred over decades of drinking. Ten years later, I admitted myself into rehab, and as uncomfortable as it was, made a concerted effort not to hide my status from those that had a legitimate reason to know (close friends that I wanted to keep had a legitimate reason in my eyes).

You cannot make your wife "out" herself, but I would see this as a huge red flag about her acceptance of the disease. If she is an alcoholic, she knows that she cannot ever drink again. It is not a choice she made, it is not a moral lacking on her part, and it is no reflection on her intellect or will.

Is she actively working a program now that she is out of rehab? If not, I would be very concerned about her ability to stay sober for long.

CarryOn

Welcome Woodman. I'll share the advice I was given by my counselor...it's okay for me to tell my support system, it is my RAH's responsibility to tell his support system. My RAH was dry for a number of years, then relapsed...I have only experienced his alcoholism in relapse. My family & friends therefore knew there was a potential problem when he started drinking again, and when the drinking becoming an issue it was not a surprise. I have told trusted family & friends who I have felt I need for support and care enough about us both to understand what we are going through and support us through everything. My RAH has told his closest friends & a coworker he travels with regularly...he has not told his brother (never let on to him that he had started drinking again) who is his only remaining immediate family member.

Have you been to Al-Anon? Would probably be very helpful for you. Addicts in early recovery can be very selfish so it helps to focus on taking care of ourselves.

winnie1202

What is sad about all this is that your wife's friends and acquaintances probably assume she is an alcoholic by her behavior and the "smell" that settles into their lungs and then comes out when they breathe. Most alcoholics think that that they are doing a "good job" in hiding their addiction. They aren't. Like yourself for my husband sake and mine I tried to hide his problem but then it got progressively worse. I reached out to Alanon. It was this support I reached out to my family, his family and a couple of times our local police and ambulance. In the last two years he has done detox twice, and a 30 day rehab. By the grace of God he has been able to keep his job. In the 2 years he has fallen off the wagon 2x for a several days at a time and the old behaviors return. There are many people that know about his problem and there is no stigma as there are many others like him (he is in the entertainment field). But he still gets mad when I "tattle" to my family and his and they call him up to try and talk him back to sobriety. He gets mad when our children (17 and 20) are no longer fearful of him and he can't control them and they take away car keys. He gets mad at me when I won't talk to him as drunks don't remember conversations nor do they remember the horrible verbal abuse that they spew. But they do remember actions when they are sober and a real estate agent is in the house for an sales evaluation because after 25 years I have hit my limit and I need peace in my life.

We all need to do what is best for US and our family and not let alcoholics control our lives. They have made their choices in life and we have to make the best choices for us.

Woodman123

Thanks to all who have replied... alot of comfort in your words and suggestions. Yes I am attending Al-anon, and yes my wife is in outpatient counseling and AA. I guess I was just surprised that with all the counseling so far, there hasn't been a more honest acceptance of her disease. Maybe time will provide her greater comfort and acceptance and then willingness to open up to those around her. i can only hope.