Just one text knocks the wind out of me
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity 
Zen, I don't understand the alcoholic mind but it does seem like she's trying to make sure you are still available to her. Do you think she is really serious about recovery or just trying to get you back in bed, err, I mean back? 
In all seriousness though, this is exactly why I will not respond. She may be serious about her recovery or just spinning a huge web of lies, either way NO good can come from me replying.
Me in the equation lessens her chances of long term sobriety. She can't rely on me. I have come to that realization with a lot of introspection, many late nights on the forums and through family and friends who have been the A and the Codie.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by sadielady
WOW Diva, I LOVE your list!!! You are so thoughtful and brave. In my short spin around this alcoholic relationship I have felt almost all of those things. Your clarity is so lovely, and it is such a striking reminder of the flip side of that list -- all the positive repercussions of our own self-care instead!!!
You people are all such a gift. I send you all big hugs tonight. Lord knows we all could use them!
You people are all such a gift. I send you all big hugs tonight. Lord knows we all could use them!
I was once involved with a man who was self-medicating with alcohol for an anxiety disorder and was likely a Narcissist (Clinically, speaking...)
I didn't want you to think I was being fresh...)
Another thing that I found helpful was to make a list of alternative behaviors you can choose instead of responding...
So, when he does try to contact you and trust me, he WILL, you will have a plan in place...Based on my own experience, I found it so much harder to break my "habit" when I was attempting to change without a solid plan in place...
I learned about all of this in therapy and oddly enough, when I started treating my entanglement with my ex as "my addiction" that's when things really started to resonate with me...
-Linda
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
Linda -- the alternate list of what to do is a great idea. If I weren't posting with you the very minute he called ( see my posts a couple back), I'm hoping I would hav been as strong in not answering but I need to have such a list in case it happens when I'm NOT. I know I fluctuate throughout the day.
One thing on the list is to post and read on SR!!!
Also:
Take a walk or a hike
Take a bath
Play with my girl
Call a friend
Journal to myself about what I'm feeling
Journal a letter I won't send about the things I won't say to him because of no contact but wish he could hear and understand
Keep a list of how much better I feel without the constant drama
Turn on some good songs and dance
That's a start....
One thing on the list is to post and read on SR!!!
Also:
Take a walk or a hike
Take a bath
Play with my girl
Call a friend
Journal to myself about what I'm feeling
Journal a letter I won't send about the things I won't say to him because of no contact but wish he could hear and understand
Keep a list of how much better I feel without the constant drama
Turn on some good songs and dance
That's a start....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity
Linda, that is an incredible list.
I think it should be made a sticky. Every time anyone contacts their A, they can just go down and check off all the things on that list that resulted. After a while of seeing it documented so clearly in front of them, things would be much clearer.
I think it should be made a sticky. Every time anyone contacts their A, they can just go down and check off all the things on that list that resulted. After a while of seeing it documented so clearly in front of them, things would be much clearer.
But, please feel free to turn my post into one!
And, thank you so very much...
I feel so honored!
All my best,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by sadielady
Linda -- the alternate list of what to do is a great idea. If I weren't posting with you the very minute he called ( see my posts a couple back), I'm hoping I would hav been as strong in not answering but I need to have such a list in case it happens when I'm NOT. I know I fluctuate throughout the day.
One thing on the list is to post and read on SR!!!
Also:
Take a walk or a hike
Take a bath
Play with my girl
Call a friend
Journal to myself about what I'm feeling
Journal a letter I won't send about the things I won't say to him because of no contact but wish he could hear and understand
Keep a list of how much better I feel without the constant drama
Turn on some good songs and dance
That's a start....
One thing on the list is to post and read on SR!!!
Also:
Take a walk or a hike
Take a bath
Play with my girl
Call a friend
Journal to myself about what I'm feeling
Journal a letter I won't send about the things I won't say to him because of no contact but wish he could hear and understand
Keep a list of how much better I feel without the constant drama
Turn on some good songs and dance
That's a start....
Great job, Sadie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Done stickied under "Classic Reading", it's the latest entry at the bottom of the list.
Mike
Mike
I feel like I just received a Sober Recovery Emmy Award
All kidding aside, I truly hope the message will reach those who are meant to receive it....
All my best,
Linda
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by iamthird
I really needed this thread today. Separated AH sent me a novel of a vulnerable text that initially gets me weepy eyed and then I realize....it will not last. I cannot let this text control me!!!
And, unfortunately...you are correct, it won't last as long as he is still active...
Good for you for acknowledging your feelings...
I once learned that feelings aren't always rationale, which is why it's not always in our best interest to act on them...
Here's a ((hug)) from me to you...
All the best,
Linda
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
Iamthird, it is wretched, isn't it? Big hugs from me. The sweet and vulnerable ones wrench my heart out too. I have to keep reminding myself that he is in no place to have a relationship with me, the one I want and it seemed he does too, when he isn't actively caring for himself. Even though the good parts felt so incredibly good, the bad parts are wholly unacceptable and it kills me that he won't get out of his own way, as there is so much there to save.
So I guess it helps me to remember the man I love isn't really there or available for himself or me. So it's only wishful thinking that those sweet and vulnerable thoughts could lead to something good and healthy. None of it means anything while he is losing battle to himself, dying inside for inability to stop drinking and seek a better life.
It has helped me tremendously to read everyone here.
So hugs to you, big ones.
So I guess it helps me to remember the man I love isn't really there or available for himself or me. So it's only wishful thinking that those sweet and vulnerable thoughts could lead to something good and healthy. None of it means anything while he is losing battle to himself, dying inside for inability to stop drinking and seek a better life.
It has helped me tremendously to read everyone here.
So hugs to you, big ones.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by sadielady
Iamthird, it is wretched, isn't it? Big hugs from me. The sweet and vulnerable ones wrench my heart out too. I have to keep reminding myself that he is in no place to have a relationship with me, the one I want and it seemed he does too, when he isn't actively caring for himself. Even though the good parts felt so incredibly good, the bad parts are wholly unacceptable and it kills me that he won't get out of his own way, as there is so much there to save.
So I guess it helps me to remember the man I love isn't really there or available for himself or me. So it's only wishful thinking that those sweet and vulnerable thoughts could lead to something good and healthy. None of it means anything while he is losing battle to himself, dying inside for inability to stop drinking and seek a better life.
It has helped me tremendously to read everyone here.
So hugs to you, big ones.
So I guess it helps me to remember the man I love isn't really there or available for himself or me. So it's only wishful thinking that those sweet and vulnerable thoughts could lead to something good and healthy. None of it means anything while he is losing battle to himself, dying inside for inability to stop drinking and seek a better life.
It has helped me tremendously to read everyone here.
So hugs to you, big ones.
Everything you mentioned in your post is spot on...
Breaking away from a toxic situation is very difficult, but this much I can tell you...
As you become healthier, relationships like these will begin to lose their appeal...
Until then....
Fake it until you make it!
All the best,
Linda
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