sadielady

So for a couple days I've been feeling good and firm about the boundary I set with my alcoholic boyfriend that he needs to be serious about recovery and straight with me to get back in touch. I even wrote earlier today about feeling some relief with the no contact, and some guilt about that. I'm certain in the intervening couple days he's still drinking and is just as active destroying himself, which breaks my heart.

He just texted me tonight. Something gently sweet, remembering something about an upcoming trip I have soon. Not asking for anything but contacting me.

It floored me. I guess I wasn't ready for any contact. I half thought he wouldn't get in touch again or for some time (I'd been incredibly firm and it pissed him off, telling me to cool it or find someone else).

I'm taking some deep breaths and writing here instead of responding. I love him. I care for him deeply as a human being. But something has shifted in me, by setting the boundary and reading all of you.

I may respond the equivalent of thank you and leave it at that. I itch to say I hope he's ok but my gut tells me that's a trap. Going to wait a couple hours.

All advice welcome.

ZenMe

Stay strong! My ex has been sending me texts every night telling me how well she is doing and communicating supposed ah moments. I know she will probably drink tonight given her routine. No idea if she's lying or not.

I dont care and I'm not responding for 2 reasons.
1) communicating with her will not help and just waste my time
2) I'm over it. She will do whatever she is going to do and I have no control over it. So waste of time.

take a bubble bath and fall asleep comfy or something. Keep yourself busy.

DreamsofSerenity

I would not write him back and the reason I say that is because I went through something similar with my ex a bunch of times. I would tell him I wasn't speaking to him until he got serious about recovery, he'd disappear for a while, I'd miss him, then he'd text something sweet without addressing the sobriety issue, kind of pretending like nothing had happened. I'd always write him back. I didn't have SR and my guilt always got the best of me.

I'm not totally clear about your situation but it sounds like you bf did the same thing. A's are very good at acting like nothing has happened and worming their way back into your life without taking responsibility for their actions.. If you write him back, you are breaking NC and therefore not enforcing your boundary. That will be bad for both of you in the future.

I understand the pull to write him back. I wish I never wrote mine back.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Hugs

Brokentapestry

Active A's are incredibly charming (when they want to be). A "thank you" text from you could be a foot in the door for him. If you are finding peace in your boundary, then guard it. You are worthy of that.

sadielady

What you both say sounds soooo right but oh man it ACHES.

I'm snagging myself because in our last exchange a couple days ago, he was supposed to come over Wed. (tonight) before my trip and I said no, don't come over, no more emails (the last bit was email), I'll send you a postcard from the trip but then don't get in touch today or soon, when you're serious about recovery and can be straight with me, you know where I am. So I'm snagged on the thing about the trip, when I know I shouldn't be. I've never been through this before and it was Sooooo easy to be clear until now he's contacted me.

I wish I hadn't said the thing about the postcard. It's like a little hole in my no contact boundary, I wasn't thinking at all about it and, Jeez how ridiculous is it that the part of me who doesn't want to be rude to this man I love who's killing himself even comes into play here?!?!

I'm going to take a bath, read or watch a show, and breathe.

Thank you. Holy crap why is this so hard.

ZenMe

See I was right lol. She just texted me saying she successfully completed another day sober and even had people over for dinner. I know all her friends and family are huge drinkers and this is where she can not say no to alcohol. She will fall into her cycle of meeting some new guy fast, blah, blah.

The LIES haha. Stay strong because at the end of the day it's all BS and smoke and you have to stay strong for you. Now to go look for an app to block text messages. This is getting a little ridiculous.

Brokentapestry

Yes, you said that you'd send him a post card, but you also told him not to get in touch with you unless he was serious about getting sober. Do you have any reason to believe that he is? If not, then why is he contacting you? To pull you back.

It's hard because we love them. Hearts are stupid.

Hang in there. I'm sending you hugs!

ZenMe

We also get addicted to their "Sweet nothing". Tough love and self love for the win =).

LexieCat

Just because you said you'd send him a postcard doesn't mean you are obligated to do that. Yes, it is a "hole" in your no-contact. Don't send him a postcard, don't reply to texts. If he persists, block him.

AnvilheadII

also remember when WE establish no contact that means WE do not make contact even if they do. we can tell someone not to contact us, but we cannot prevent them from trying to do so. they are under no obligation to honor OUR boundary....

DreamsofSerenity

Sadielady,

I totally know how hard it is, but unless he gets sober (which is less likely to happen with him getting away with his crap), you are going to have to go NC at some point. It can either be now, or somewhere down the line after you've invested more and suffered more. It's always going to hurt. But just like the alcoholic has to be ready, you have to be ready too. If you aren't, that's okay. Just know you are in for more heartache.

Your bf obviously didn't take your boundary seriously. When he discovers you actually did, he might pull out the big guns (start lying about his intention to get sober). I went through that too, even got dragged to an AA meeting and watched my ex bullsh*t his way through a share.

Anyway, I find if I can make it throught the first couple of days without responding, it passes, and then I am strong again in my resolve. It's all just a process. You will get there!

FWIW, I agree with Lexie about the postcard. You don't have to send it. That is just a loophole you are giving yourself.

Hugs

fedup3

Sadie, I hope you have a great trip and something wonderful happens!

sadielady

Your posts make me realize I too am in recovery, something I hadn't embraced. In full-disclosure, I wrote a short text back. I realize that isn't as strong and it isn't no contact like I know I have to do. I may have been just appeasing myself for my guilt and my love for this man who isn't caring for himself, but I had this worry (dumb, now that I think about it), that my boundary had seemed like a threat and a maybe and not as clear and bold as I came off in these pages. Maybe that's just an excuse for myself, for this slip, the loophole you're all speaking of, but I texted him this in response late last night:

"I need to follow through that I need you to be serious in your recovery and completely straight with me before you contact me again."

I know that texting instead of doing nothing isn't as strong as you all were urging me to be. But it helped me do one thing -- now I know I can be fully committed to no contact. I will follow through.

Here's the craziest part. After I did that, I woke up with nightmares three times. Something I haven't done in years but have been prone to before in my life. The body doesn't lie.

I hear you all. I know this was a slip, and weakness, and not good for me even though I try to justify it for myself. This is really hard. I am going to journal today, and I'm writing to you hear because I know that being honest about this is what will help me move past it and really honor no contact.

I'm committing here, to myself and all of you.

Brokentapestry

Sadielady! This is great. You are doing some really good work here.

Listen to yourself. Journal. Go on your trip, and have a wonderful time. And don't beat yourself up for not being perfect at No Contact. See that date under your name? June 2013. It's still June 2013. You are brand new to this. Me too. We are walking through some really hard stuff and learning a lot. We aren't going to be perfect. You texted him last night? That's okay. You aren't going to go to SR jail! What did you learn from it? What are you going to do next time?

I'm proud of you, and sending you so many happy thoughts today!

DreamsofSerenity

You are doing great! You are light years ahead of where I ever was. You have the right idea, just keep working on you! These situations take time.

DreamsofSerenity

Exactly what BrokenTapestry said, you are new at this.

sadielady

Broken Tapestry and DreamsofSerenity, your words of encouragement made me weep, I think I needed them badly, this is a new kind of painful and hard at every turn. BT, you are so brave and strong, you don't seem new at this at all, your clarity and insights are beautiful.

Thank you both, and all of you.

Taking lots of deep breaths. The trip I'm going on is to a place that's been a sanctuary for me my whole life, deep in the Colorado pines, serenity and peace. I planned this trip long ago but it's extremely well timed now, when peace and calm and time for reflection in nature is just what I need.

I realized it is 14 weeks til my 40th birthday. I haven't decided what yet, but I'm going to use this as a time to do some work on me, and get oriented more towards self-care. Maybe 14 things in 14 weeks, maybe something else, but just realizing that gives me something positive to aim for. To get me reoriented and back to things that bring me joy.

I send you all back wishes for some peace today too. Bit by bit, eh?

sadielady

Ugh, so he texted back. Clearly responding both to my text and the conversations we had over the weekend and leading to my boundary setting. He texted:

"seems you can't quite get out of your own way, ( Name ). The thought of my "heart singing" is trite / corny. Your extreme concern is emasculating and now ex-wife has denied visitation. Can't take one step frwrd and 2 steps back w/ a woman. B "

I am NOT responding to that!!! So so sad, so clear he is blaming everyone else, including me, and SO not ready to care for himself or take recovery seriously, or even do it at all.

Breaks my heart. Makes it way easier not to respond though. Wow.

Carlotta

Check out the MrNumber app, you can set it up to hang up on him, send his calls to voicemail and also not receive his texts. I love that app and the price is right: free. I call it the drunk app LOL

DreamsofSerenity

I'm sorry that happened but unfortunately, it's kind of predictable A behavior. I'm having flashbacks just reading it. He's just attacking you to take the attention off of his own behavior. Try to ignore it and move forward.

It's so interesting to me how all these A's act so similarly. It really does bode well for the disease theory. I mean the behavioral symptoms of the disease are so much alike! My ex could have written that exact text you received. Weird.

Hang in there!! And big codie hug.