First Post - PLEASE read
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Welcome Bill.
My RAH and I went through a similar cycle when he was drinking. When I reached out for help, one of the first things I learned to do was to ask myself "am I responsible for this event/feeling/emotion/etc?" If not, there was nothing I could do to change what was happening...i.e. if I came home from work & H was drinking, I let him do his thing & I did something else. Also, I was able to tell how much he'd had by his behaviors & speech, and I knew that once he'd had four beers there were no more conversations happening for the remainder of the night because they always led to the cycle of fighting. So, I would tell him that I enjoyed spending time with him sober, but did not enjoy spending time with him when he was drinking, nor did our conversations when he was drinking lead to a positive result, so I was going to do something else for myself. Initially that included leaving the house for the evening. So, I think you are okay to be honest with her, but bring it from your viewpoint. I would avoid any discussions with her while she is drinking - about Al-Anon (though you can tell her when she is sober) or anything else. Not worth it.
No, you cannot work on your marriage when your A is in active addiction, nor can you really work on it in early recovery. But you can work on yourself. Al-Anon is for you, not for your wife, and you will find that the addicts in our lives are not the central topic of discussion. You can educate yourself, and develop an understanding of how your relationship has come to be the way it is. You can learn what you really want out of your life. It's a long, hard road, but I would say reaching out is the first step to your recovery. Again, welcome.
My RAH and I went through a similar cycle when he was drinking. When I reached out for help, one of the first things I learned to do was to ask myself "am I responsible for this event/feeling/emotion/etc?" If not, there was nothing I could do to change what was happening...i.e. if I came home from work & H was drinking, I let him do his thing & I did something else. Also, I was able to tell how much he'd had by his behaviors & speech, and I knew that once he'd had four beers there were no more conversations happening for the remainder of the night because they always led to the cycle of fighting. So, I would tell him that I enjoyed spending time with him sober, but did not enjoy spending time with him when he was drinking, nor did our conversations when he was drinking lead to a positive result, so I was going to do something else for myself. Initially that included leaving the house for the evening. So, I think you are okay to be honest with her, but bring it from your viewpoint. I would avoid any discussions with her while she is drinking - about Al-Anon (though you can tell her when she is sober) or anything else. Not worth it.
No, you cannot work on your marriage when your A is in active addiction, nor can you really work on it in early recovery. But you can work on yourself. Al-Anon is for you, not for your wife, and you will find that the addicts in our lives are not the central topic of discussion. You can educate yourself, and develop an understanding of how your relationship has come to be the way it is. You can learn what you really want out of your life. It's a long, hard road, but I would say reaching out is the first step to your recovery. Again, welcome.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by billp 
Do I tell my wife? What do I say when she comes home from work and wants to address all of this? How do I tell her how I feel? Do I tell her how I feel? Am I supposed to tell her any kind of expectation, or do I just say mum and let her figure it out?
I wouldn't set up any expectations, how can you have any just yet? (lol) Tuffgirl makes a great point about being in shock - I never thought of it that way but that is EXACTLY how I felt when I realized RAH & I were dealing with alocholism. Very accurate!
Stick around & keep reading, there is MUCH wisdom being shared in this forum!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 4
Wow,
Thank you all for the feed back. Today has really been quite an experience.
Firesprite - thank you for the background about terminology.
Also - "We end up doing so many things that we don't want to -getting drawn into arguments, start giving in to suspicion & paranoia, making ultimatums we don't fully back up" - Seems like it will be a slippery slope.
Atalose - very good suggestion
Tuffgirl - I agree with you about letting the level of shock absorb
Grizz - I appreciate your honesty
and yes honeypig, I will let you know what I think of Alanon. It is going to be an interesting night for sure.
Thank you all for the feed back. Today has really been quite an experience.
Firesprite - thank you for the background about terminology.
Also - "We end up doing so many things that we don't want to -getting drawn into arguments, start giving in to suspicion & paranoia, making ultimatums we don't fully back up" - Seems like it will be a slippery slope.
Atalose - very good suggestion
Tuffgirl - I agree with you about letting the level of shock absorb
Grizz - I appreciate your honesty
and yes honeypig, I will let you know what I think of Alanon. It is going to be an interesting night for sure.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Bill,
My relationship mirrors yours a lot. At first like you I thought it was immature behavior. From past relationships I have learned to not jump in to fast and understand that dating and being with someone new is about trying people on for size. In the past I made the mistake of becoming a family unit to fast, and not spending the required time to get to know this person and think "is this person really the best person for me".
It sounds like you guys had a great long honey moon period and jumped into marriage fairly fast. You became a family unit before you even had enough time to try yourselves on for size.
I got to know my ex over 2 years and the SAME thing you are going through started happening around the same time. Like Grizz I am going to say (my own opinion) cut your losses and run. You didn't give yourself enough time to get to know this woman before you married her and I understand you love her, but what about being the best person for you?
If before you guys started dating, if I had said "Hey bill I want you to meet this girl, she's an alcoholic and is going to put you through this...but hey she's hot and likes to party!" you would have said, no thanks... think about it. It's OK to be trying someone on for size and to date a little longer before you jump into a family unit, that's what dating is for and why I think you should give it at least 2 years.
My relationship mirrors yours a lot. At first like you I thought it was immature behavior. From past relationships I have learned to not jump in to fast and understand that dating and being with someone new is about trying people on for size. In the past I made the mistake of becoming a family unit to fast, and not spending the required time to get to know this person and think "is this person really the best person for me".
It sounds like you guys had a great long honey moon period and jumped into marriage fairly fast. You became a family unit before you even had enough time to try yourselves on for size.
I got to know my ex over 2 years and the SAME thing you are going through started happening around the same time. Like Grizz I am going to say (my own opinion) cut your losses and run. You didn't give yourself enough time to get to know this woman before you married her and I understand you love her, but what about being the best person for you?
If before you guys started dating, if I had said "Hey bill I want you to meet this girl, she's an alcoholic and is going to put you through this...but hey she's hot and likes to party!" you would have said, no thanks... think about it. It's OK to be trying someone on for size and to date a little longer before you jump into a family unit, that's what dating is for and why I think you should give it at least 2 years.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Zen, you are being a bit simplistic here. Two years of dating isn't going to guarantee you aren't marrying an alcoholic.
And, in any event, Bill IS married to this person, he now has discovered that his wife is an alcoholic, so talking about how dating longer might have prevented this situation isn't all that helpful.
I know you mean well, but let's stick with reality here.
And, in any event, Bill IS married to this person, he now has discovered that his wife is an alcoholic, so talking about how dating longer might have prevented this situation isn't all that helpful.
I know you mean well, but let's stick with reality here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Zen, you are being a bit simplistic here. Two years of dating isn't going to guarantee you aren't marrying an alcoholic.
And, in any event, Bill IS married to this person, he now has discovered that his wife is an alcoholic, so talking about how dating longer might have prevented this situation isn't all that helpful.
I know you mean well, but let's stick with reality here.
And, in any event, Bill IS married to this person, he now has discovered that his wife is an alcoholic, so talking about how dating longer might have prevented this situation isn't all that helpful.
I know you mean well, but let's stick with reality here.
As others have stated it's about what he can do, control and taking care of himself, detaching etc. I wanted to speak up as I feel I have been in a similar situation and thinking about it like so has helped me. If it doesn't help or apply please disregard.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, I think it is excellent advice for people who are dating--to pay attention to any incipient drug/alcohol issues. Glad it spared YOU, for sure.
As I said, I know your post was well intentioned. We do try to kinda meet people where they are, though--most of us have done more than enough thinking, "if only I'd seen" or "if only I'd realized," etc. The fact is that winding up in an alcoholic marriage can happen to ANYONE.
As I said, I know your post was well intentioned. We do try to kinda meet people where they are, though--most of us have done more than enough thinking, "if only I'd seen" or "if only I'd realized," etc. The fact is that winding up in an alcoholic marriage can happen to ANYONE.
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