Tonight's the night :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Tonight's the night :(
The restraining order is up tonight.
I've decided to take the bull by the horns and make first contact in order to control MY end of the situation. I just won't be able to handling waiting to see if he makes contact, stressing and worrying.
I am NOT looking forward to telling him to move out and I'm scared of his reaction. I don't know what to expect but begging and pleading is just as scary as fury and rage.
I just don't know how I will react and lack of sleep and emotional exhaustion is making me weepy and weak instead of firm and strong.
I feel sick and just want to wake up from this nightmare!!
I've decided to take the bull by the horns and make first contact in order to control MY end of the situation. I just won't be able to handling waiting to see if he makes contact, stressing and worrying.
I am NOT looking forward to telling him to move out and I'm scared of his reaction. I don't know what to expect but begging and pleading is just as scary as fury and rage.
I just don't know how I will react and lack of sleep and emotional exhaustion is making me weepy and weak instead of firm and strong.
I feel sick and just want to wake up from this nightmare!!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You have been through an intense situation that involved violence in your home. Your feelings are understandable and shared by many here.
I remember feeling unsafe in my own home after experiencing the drunken rage of my alcoholic husband. I also remember feeling like a momma bear that would protect her children in any situation.
Alanon meetings, this site, and self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" helped me to find the strength to make ME a priority in my own life.
I had the right to live in a home filled with love and support.
I had the right to be treated with respect.
I had the right to live without fear in my own home.
When I made those realizations, I asked my husband for the time and space I needed to sort out all the feelings racing through my head. I needed that time without seeing, hearing, and feeling his imprint on my daily life. It helped and I was able to clear my thoughts and focus on my needs.
I am sending you strength and support
I remember feeling unsafe in my own home after experiencing the drunken rage of my alcoholic husband. I also remember feeling like a momma bear that would protect her children in any situation.
Alanon meetings, this site, and self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" helped me to find the strength to make ME a priority in my own life.
I had the right to live in a home filled with love and support.
I had the right to be treated with respect.
I had the right to live without fear in my own home.
When I made those realizations, I asked my husband for the time and space I needed to sort out all the feelings racing through my head. I needed that time without seeing, hearing, and feeling his imprint on my daily life. It helped and I was able to clear my thoughts and focus on my needs.
I am sending you strength and support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Thank you both. It's not looking good so far. He appears to be avoiding the confrontation/discussion with me.
When he left, he forgot his phone charger so, no phone.
I have sent a message via Facebook and can see that he's been on a few times this evening but has not looked at the message or replied at all.
I spoke with his mother today and explained the problem and my decision to ask him to leave. She seemed unsurprised (by his problem with alcohol not his actions) and was very supportive of my need to protect my kids...
Looks like there will be no closure tonight and until he contacts me to remove his things.
When he left, he forgot his phone charger so, no phone.
I have sent a message via Facebook and can see that he's been on a few times this evening but has not looked at the message or replied at all.
I spoke with his mother today and explained the problem and my decision to ask him to leave. She seemed unsurprised (by his problem with alcohol not his actions) and was very supportive of my need to protect my kids...
Looks like there will be no closure tonight and until he contacts me to remove his things.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Why is the restraining order "up"? Did you not apply for a permanent one?
Maybe he replaced the phone charger--they aren't that difficult to pick up.
Why not pack up his stuff and give it to his mom?
Maybe he replaced the phone charger--they aren't that difficult to pick up.
Why not pack up his stuff and give it to his mom?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Why is the restraining order "up"? Did you not apply for a permanent one?
Maybe he replaced the phone charger--they aren't that difficult to pick up.
Why not pack up his stuff and give it to his mom?
Maybe he replaced the phone charger--they aren't that difficult to pick up.
Why not pack up his stuff and give it to his mom?
I suppose I'll see what his attitude is eventually but at the moment he's avoiding me so I just have to let him have his space. His phone is dead still. (Friends have been trying to get in touch with him)
I will be packing up his things so they are ready for him to collect. If he gives me reason for another order, then someone else can come get them.
I just want it over at this point. I'm loathing the waiting.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, since the waiting is causing you so much stress, I suggest that once you have his stuff packed up, you get it over to his mom or to one of his friends. That way you can start getting some peace back in your life.
I also suggest changing the locks--you do NOT want him walking in unannounced. Is he on the lease? That's one potential complication...
I also suggest changing the locks--you do NOT want him walking in unannounced. Is he on the lease? That's one potential complication...
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
This thread made the hair on my arms stand up. I never expected my exhusband to get violent either. Him grabbing me by the throat seemed to unlock something in him I would have never imagined. He got phyiscal with the kids soon thereafter.
Please consider talking to a domestic violence support hotline.
Please consider talking to a domestic violence support hotline.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Well, since the waiting is causing you so much stress, I suggest that once you have his stuff packed up, you get it over to his mom or to one of his friends. That way you can start getting some peace back in your life.
I also suggest changing the locks--you do NOT want him walking in unannounced. Is he on the lease? That's one potential complication...
I also suggest changing the locks--you do NOT want him walking in unannounced. Is he on the lease? That's one potential complication...
He's not on the lease... He moved in with me, so it's mostly my stuff.
I took his keys when the cops gave them to him and I have cameras outside the house too.
Thanks for that
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Good idea. I'll be doing that if i don't hear in the next few days.
Pack up his stuff and get it out of your house. Change the locks. Don't give him a reason to darken your doorway. Then? If he shows up at your house uninvited, you know what to do. You call the police -- because he has NO REASON to be there except a bad one.
No conversation necessary. There's nothing to hash out. He crossed the line and he's not welcome in your home with you and your children anymore.
I know this is unbearably hard, but I hope you are able to let go of any illusion that you two will be able to talk and reach closure together. If he were capable of having an adult relationship -- maybe. But it's clear from his actions that he's not. Just do what you have to do to protect yourself.
Sending all my support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
IsThisMe, I am so sorry for the situation you are in with your ABF.
Safety for you and your kids comes first.
Once he has broken the taboo of physical violence, I think that a major shift for the worse has happened. I read your previous thread about what happened that resulted in the restraining order against your ABF. You told him he needed to stop drinking. Then you literally got in the way of a drunk getting more alcohol by taking his car keys.
He went berserk. He threatened you personally in a very intimidating way so that you felt he would attack you. He diverted that impulse but violently broke your dining room chair into pieces, then took the chair leg and broke everything within sight. This was not a single incident, over in a flash. It went on long enough that your kids and their friends heard it, came to see, and wanted to help you. That didn't stop him, either. He had to be pushed out the door.
You are certainly seeing the measure of how important alcohol is to him.
After his previous - and recent - blood alcohol level of .29 and having to be resuscitated and taken by ambulance, I suspect that what you are seeing is pretty advanced alcoholism.
So do what is safest. Detach yourself from what his reaction might be, is, could be. Think only about you and your kids.
In the 48 or 72 hours since he got the RO, he has not gotten sober, even if he didn't take another drink. It takes a long time to get that much alcohol out of your system.
You are thinking about his reaction - either violence or pleading - as if you were having a relationship with a normal person. But you aren't. Whatever he says or does, it is still alcohol talking. You can't communicate with someone who is controlled and motivated by alcohol.
If it were me, I'd change the locks, take his stuff to his mother's house, and alert the police as to what you have done and that you are worried that he may not take it well and you may need their help.
I would never see him alone again, not at least until he has been through de-tox/rehab or whatever it takes to get him totally sober AND on a true path to recovery like AA for preferably a year. I would suggest that you go totally No Contact with him. He crossed the line in the sand. You will be safer if you draw the line again, and make it really clear that your boundary is living with no violence.
It's not just that you can't trust him; it's that HE can't trust HIMSELF to behavior rationally.
Alcohol is in the driver's seat for him. It's not safe to be a passenger.
Some of us come to the realization that we can't live with an alcoholic slowly, over time, as the path gets a little bit worse each week, each day.
Some of us see the sudden cliff and have to decide immediately not to go over the cliff. We don't get the "luxury" of processing our feelings before we take action to protect ourselves. The only good thing is that this is not a long term marriage with legal encumbrances and children together.
As SouthWest Airlines says, "you are free to move around the country".
We're all here with you. Talking to a domestic violence counselor today would be very helpful.
ShootingStar1
Safety for you and your kids comes first.
Once he has broken the taboo of physical violence, I think that a major shift for the worse has happened. I read your previous thread about what happened that resulted in the restraining order against your ABF. You told him he needed to stop drinking. Then you literally got in the way of a drunk getting more alcohol by taking his car keys.
He went berserk. He threatened you personally in a very intimidating way so that you felt he would attack you. He diverted that impulse but violently broke your dining room chair into pieces, then took the chair leg and broke everything within sight. This was not a single incident, over in a flash. It went on long enough that your kids and their friends heard it, came to see, and wanted to help you. That didn't stop him, either. He had to be pushed out the door.
You are certainly seeing the measure of how important alcohol is to him.
After his previous - and recent - blood alcohol level of .29 and having to be resuscitated and taken by ambulance, I suspect that what you are seeing is pretty advanced alcoholism.
So do what is safest. Detach yourself from what his reaction might be, is, could be. Think only about you and your kids.
In the 48 or 72 hours since he got the RO, he has not gotten sober, even if he didn't take another drink. It takes a long time to get that much alcohol out of your system.
You are thinking about his reaction - either violence or pleading - as if you were having a relationship with a normal person. But you aren't. Whatever he says or does, it is still alcohol talking. You can't communicate with someone who is controlled and motivated by alcohol.
If it were me, I'd change the locks, take his stuff to his mother's house, and alert the police as to what you have done and that you are worried that he may not take it well and you may need their help.
I would never see him alone again, not at least until he has been through de-tox/rehab or whatever it takes to get him totally sober AND on a true path to recovery like AA for preferably a year. I would suggest that you go totally No Contact with him. He crossed the line in the sand. You will be safer if you draw the line again, and make it really clear that your boundary is living with no violence.
It's not just that you can't trust him; it's that HE can't trust HIMSELF to behavior rationally.
Alcohol is in the driver's seat for him. It's not safe to be a passenger.
Some of us come to the realization that we can't live with an alcoholic slowly, over time, as the path gets a little bit worse each week, each day.
Some of us see the sudden cliff and have to decide immediately not to go over the cliff. We don't get the "luxury" of processing our feelings before we take action to protect ourselves. The only good thing is that this is not a long term marriage with legal encumbrances and children together.
As SouthWest Airlines says, "you are free to move around the country".
We're all here with you. Talking to a domestic violence counselor today would be very helpful.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
ShootingStar1,
Firstly, thank you for putting it so succinctly and eloquently. I am in tears reading your post because I know that everything you have said is true.
I had just finished packing his personal belongings and putting them outside (so that if he showed up tomorrow while my daughter is home alone, she could direct him to where his things were and not left him in the house)
Over the next few days, I will put together everything and do the same and advise his mother/best friend that if they are not collected, I will be putting them on the verge.
I can't take all his things to someone else as I have no vehicle big enough.
I think I have known since the moment it happened that our relationship is over. I don't want this life. I can't fix him and I don't want to wait for him to fix himself. To be honest I don't think I've ever had a relationship with a sober person and I don't want to gamble that Ill even LIKE the sober one.
There is always that little part of you (well, ME) that wants to be the adult, the mature one, the better person. I'm a fixer, a helper in life and by profession and walking away from someone who needs help goes against everything I am.
BUT
I need to be selfish here and fix ME. Recover from the damage that a year and a half has done. Do everything I can to make sure that my kids are ok and not negatively influenced by his presence in our lives. Coming on here and seeing people who care and help me believe that it's OK to be selfish means so very, very much.
I can't change him. I can't fix him. I can't make him care for me the way I wanted him to.
I can change ME. I can fix ME. I can allow others to care for ME.
Now if I just say this a million times more... I might really believe it.
Firstly, thank you for putting it so succinctly and eloquently. I am in tears reading your post because I know that everything you have said is true.
I had just finished packing his personal belongings and putting them outside (so that if he showed up tomorrow while my daughter is home alone, she could direct him to where his things were and not left him in the house)
Over the next few days, I will put together everything and do the same and advise his mother/best friend that if they are not collected, I will be putting them on the verge.
I can't take all his things to someone else as I have no vehicle big enough.
I think I have known since the moment it happened that our relationship is over. I don't want this life. I can't fix him and I don't want to wait for him to fix himself. To be honest I don't think I've ever had a relationship with a sober person and I don't want to gamble that Ill even LIKE the sober one.
There is always that little part of you (well, ME) that wants to be the adult, the mature one, the better person. I'm a fixer, a helper in life and by profession and walking away from someone who needs help goes against everything I am.
BUT
I need to be selfish here and fix ME. Recover from the damage that a year and a half has done. Do everything I can to make sure that my kids are ok and not negatively influenced by his presence in our lives. Coming on here and seeing people who care and help me believe that it's OK to be selfish means so very, very much.
I can't change him. I can't fix him. I can't make him care for me the way I wanted him to.
I can change ME. I can fix ME. I can allow others to care for ME.
Now if I just say this a million times more... I might really believe it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by IsThisMe
I need to be selfish here and fix ME. Recover from the damage that a year and a half has done. Do everything I can to make sure that my kids are ok and not negatively influenced by his presence in our lives. Coming on here and seeing people who care and help me believe that it's OK to be selfish means so very, very much.
I can't change him. I can't fix him. I can't make him care for me the way I wanted him to.
I can change ME. I can fix ME. I can allow others to care for ME.
Now if I just say this a million times more... I might really believe it.
I can't change him. I can't fix him. I can't make him care for me the way I wanted him to.
I can change ME. I can fix ME. I can allow others to care for ME.
Now if I just say this a million times more... I might really believe it.
Wishing you continued strength and clear vision as you pursue the life you want and deserve!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Well... I finally got a message today from the now AXBF.
It went along the lines of "Don't ever contact my family again. Understood?"
Not a happy chappy that I spoke with his mother about what happened and his problem (she was not surprised by the drinking - always worried)
I just couldn't stay in the relationship or leave it without SOMEONE being aware that he needs help. I was advised at Al Anon that to continue to hide it for him was more detrimental and just me continuing to enable him. I consider it my parting gift and last loving gesture.
In true alcoholic form, he cut out the one person who cared enough to confront him about it.
Now, time to pack his things and move on. Amazingly, I am not a mess. I am not devastated but I am relieved its over and determined to be get on with life as healthily and happily as I can.
I'm waiting for the emotional crash...
It went along the lines of "Don't ever contact my family again. Understood?"
Not a happy chappy that I spoke with his mother about what happened and his problem (she was not surprised by the drinking - always worried)
I just couldn't stay in the relationship or leave it without SOMEONE being aware that he needs help. I was advised at Al Anon that to continue to hide it for him was more detrimental and just me continuing to enable him. I consider it my parting gift and last loving gesture.
In true alcoholic form, he cut out the one person who cared enough to confront him about it.
Now, time to pack his things and move on. Amazingly, I am not a mess. I am not devastated but I am relieved its over and determined to be get on with life as healthily and happily as I can.
I'm waiting for the emotional crash...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by IsThisMe
I was advised at Al Anon that to continue to hide it for him was more detrimental and just me continuing to enable him. I consider it my parting gift and last loving gesture.
Now, time to pack his things and move on. Amazingly, I am not a mess. I am not devastated but I am relieved its over and determined to be get on with life as healthily and happily as I can.
I'm waiting for the emotional crash...
Now, time to pack his things and move on. Amazingly, I am not a mess. I am not devastated but I am relieved its over and determined to be get on with life as healthily and happily as I can.
I'm waiting for the emotional crash...
So glad you have the clarity to see what you need to do and the strength to do it--nothing can hold you down. Please keep in touch and let us know how you're doing, OK?
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
Glad your doing this very hard thing, IsThisMe.
His reaction to you or lack thereof is the same thing I would do too after an incident like that. I never threw things but you might remember the part I related to. So - here's hoping he stays to his side of the street and away from you.
I'd of never gone back any of the times when GF walloped me with words &/or hands...without her 50 emails or more a day, phoning me when she was writing and following me to school, begging, screaming and crying. I really really REALLY wish you the strength to go no contact with this guy. For you to have the courage that I didn't till there wasn't any choices left.
Take care of you and kids - the most important people there are.
Cheers
His reaction to you or lack thereof is the same thing I would do too after an incident like that. I never threw things but you might remember the part I related to. So - here's hoping he stays to his side of the street and away from you.
I'd of never gone back any of the times when GF walloped me with words &/or hands...without her 50 emails or more a day, phoning me when she was writing and following me to school, begging, screaming and crying. I really really REALLY wish you the strength to go no contact with this guy. For you to have the courage that I didn't till there wasn't any choices left.
Take care of you and kids - the most important people there are.
Cheers
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