my adult son and his dad- just a vent
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
my adult son and his dad- just a vent
My adult son has been in a relationship for 8 years with the same girl. They helped her mother die at home two years ago. Her brother was killed in a drunk driving accident last year. And today my stupid 28 year old son told her she has to move out. He has another girlfriend.
Here's the sick part: His RA of 30 years father moved in wtih them about three months ago, and he's got real issues. He is a scary neat freak and has been complaining because she doesn't clean like she should
I told him to go to more meetings and stop being so freaking up tight.
instead, he harped on the kids, on our son, until my son was parroting his fathers BS.
So he went out and got another GR and dumped this lovely woman who, i know for a fact, will be better off without my son. She deserves so much better .,I know this is the best thing for her, but am aware than my body and soul want me to experience this as if it's happening to me.
I keep shifting into total freak out, then walk out of it. This isn't happening to me. I know she'll be happier, eventually, and she said she always wants me to be in her life, but I know he's going to regret this in a few months and she is ALL DONE with him. Hopefully.
As his mother, I am ashamed. I"m working on letting the whole thing go, supporting her when I can, and sending my son love and wisdom and humility and protection and healing. That's what I send all of them anyway, but now even more so. My son has issues. I thought he was doing well. he was, actually before his father moved in. They were happy happy. The fact that he is so susceptible to his fathers BS makes me feel like throwing up. It's so darn gross.
He kicked her out of her home. She can't see their dogs, who she loves and one is pregnant. My heart just breaks for her, and him.
thank for listening. What a couple of weeks! Anyone else just barely treading water??
Here's the sick part: His RA of 30 years father moved in wtih them about three months ago, and he's got real issues. He is a scary neat freak and has been complaining because she doesn't clean like she should
I told him to go to more meetings and stop being so freaking up tight.
instead, he harped on the kids, on our son, until my son was parroting his fathers BS.
So he went out and got another GR and dumped this lovely woman who, i know for a fact, will be better off without my son. She deserves so much better .,I know this is the best thing for her, but am aware than my body and soul want me to experience this as if it's happening to me.
I keep shifting into total freak out, then walk out of it. This isn't happening to me. I know she'll be happier, eventually, and she said she always wants me to be in her life, but I know he's going to regret this in a few months and she is ALL DONE with him. Hopefully.
As his mother, I am ashamed. I"m working on letting the whole thing go, supporting her when I can, and sending my son love and wisdom and humility and protection and healing. That's what I send all of them anyway, but now even more so. My son has issues. I thought he was doing well. he was, actually before his father moved in. They were happy happy. The fact that he is so susceptible to his fathers BS makes me feel like throwing up. It's so darn gross.
He kicked her out of her home. She can't see their dogs, who she loves and one is pregnant. My heart just breaks for her, and him.
thank for listening. What a couple of weeks! Anyone else just barely treading water??
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
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transformmyselfoops I see you have been a member for quite sometime....what the hell
to both of usthanks for venting....
I think you will get a lot of input....I know it's hard....but do your best to detach and don't react....
I am not judging....but for me I'd think I would stay as far away from situations like this.
No boundaries whatsoever....mental abuse...dry drunks...control freaks....ikes...run
My concern would be more for you...Alanon? I haven't read any of your other posts so I don't want to assume where you are in recovery.
Sometimes we become just as sick as our beloved addicts and alcoholics.
good thread to end the night with ... thank you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
Wow, I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say, my kids are little and I find myself micro-managing their friendships already, must work on that, BTW... don't know how or what I'd do when they are adults and making poor decisions before my eyes.
Does your son want his dad to live with them? Is there any way to give him perspective on the situation? If not... let go and LET GOD.
Does your son want his dad to live with them? Is there any way to give him perspective on the situation? If not... let go and LET GOD.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear Transformyself, I think wiscsober basically covered it. I can tell you from experience that getting entangled in the dynamics of your adult children's management of their personal lives will never bring you anything but heartache. Boundries;detach;boundries;detach;boundries;detach .
I understand the draw to want to help them make things right......but, as a mother, you have to resist this. They shouldn't even be bringing their personal stuff to your doorstep in the first place. You can't help them. They will dump on you and then do what they really want to, anyway. Every single time......
I know this might sound harsh. But, think about it.
sincerely, dandylion
I understand the draw to want to help them make things right......but, as a mother, you have to resist this. They shouldn't even be bringing their personal stuff to your doorstep in the first place. You can't help them. They will dump on you and then do what they really want to, anyway. Every single time......
I know this might sound harsh. But, think about it.
sincerely, dandylion
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
After you start more Alanon meetings, you will be amazed at how different you will think and react to your son and his problems. There is something very freeing when we finally learn to say and believe...."that's unfortunate but it's not my problem."
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
No advice, transform, but just empathy here. On one level, I know exactly what you are going through... I have four adult kids and I can't stand it when their relationships fail for any reason. I've been joking that I had a really tough month in April because my DS broke up with his GF of 2 years and my DD broke up with her BF of 4 years.
I was so upset, I surprised myself! Not angry, but I just felt a huge loss. When we embrace our kids' SOs into our lives, they become like our own children, and then when we have to "break up" with them, it's painful. I asked my DS if I could continue to FB his GF, and he told me he wished I wouldn't, so I didn't, but it killed me because right after they broke up she just got in her car and drove across the country to live on the West Coast. She'd FB how sad she was and it KILLED me not to PM her!!!
In terms of your son/XRAH, I understand how you feel, and understand that you KNOW you should detach. So, I hope your vent helped a bit. I hear ya. Trust the girl's higher power, that's all I can say. She was lucky to have you in her life.
I was so upset, I surprised myself! Not angry, but I just felt a huge loss. When we embrace our kids' SOs into our lives, they become like our own children, and then when we have to "break up" with them, it's painful. I asked my DS if I could continue to FB his GF, and he told me he wished I wouldn't, so I didn't, but it killed me because right after they broke up she just got in her car and drove across the country to live on the West Coast. She'd FB how sad she was and it KILLED me not to PM her!!!
In terms of your son/XRAH, I understand how you feel, and understand that you KNOW you should detach. So, I hope your vent helped a bit. I hear ya. Trust the girl's higher power, that's all I can say. She was lucky to have you in her life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Transform, I would love to have a mother in law like you.
I have no relationship with mine at all.
It makes really sad and I feel like I have missed out.
She knows nothing about her grandchild.
She never rings, she takes no interest at all.
My best to you
xx
I have no relationship with mine at all.
It makes really sad and I feel like I have missed out.
She knows nothing about her grandchild.
She never rings, she takes no interest at all.
My best to you
xx
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Solo--I would like to beg transformyself's forgiveness as I diverge a bit here---but, I would like to address a point you have made--since I have faced this sticky wicket several times (3 adult children).
I feel strongly that when the kids break up with a SO that they do not get to tell me what to do with MY relationship with the SO. My relationship with someone else is MINE.
If the kid gets Mad about it--they can stay mad until they get glad.
O course, I wouldn't remain friends with anyone who had done my child wrong in the first place. One another person is brought into the family (so to speak) they do become like family. Also--I don't even really like to meet anyone they are dating, etc.---because of these very problems. I really want to only get to know the "Keepers for life".
If it is this hard for us---can you imagine how hard it is for a child when their parent breaks up with someone that has become "family" ???
dandylion
I feel strongly that when the kids break up with a SO that they do not get to tell me what to do with MY relationship with the SO. My relationship with someone else is MINE.
If the kid gets Mad about it--they can stay mad until they get glad.
O course, I wouldn't remain friends with anyone who had done my child wrong in the first place. One another person is brought into the family (so to speak) they do become like family. Also--I don't even really like to meet anyone they are dating, etc.---because of these very problems. I really want to only get to know the "Keepers for life".
If it is this hard for us---can you imagine how hard it is for a child when their parent breaks up with someone that has become "family" ???
dandylion
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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Well I just deleted a looooong response. ERGH>
So here's the quick response:
Sasha- I will be your Mother In Law. Happily.
WiscSober- thanks for the warm welcome!
I don't subscribe to tough love with my kids. When I need to put better boundaries in place, I do. My son told me he would win the championship in motorcross when he was 11 - and he has. He told me he was going to make lowriders when he was 12- and he has! I know he can accomplish whatever he wants. I welcome his communications about his life with me. I'm his one and only mother.
Does he always take me advice? No. Does he need to? I don't know. It's his life, his path to walk. I will love him every step of the way, and not judge his life, but work to keep myself and my kids safe. IF he goes crazy. Hey, anything is possible.
Please know that my recover isn't yours, and my methods of dealing with my kids do not threaten yours. We can exist together peacefully.
I do not subscribe to tough love, but I do put better boundaries in place when I want them.
I will continue my families relationship with my sons now ex-girlfriend, as long as she wants it.
The other post I wrote was much nicer,but now I've got to move it move it.
I only spoke to my son briefly, told him I was helping her move out. He was like, Oh ok.
His father is the one who told me. I'm not sure if I'll be talking to him too much, I'll sort it out though. I do have a bizarre compassion for him. I'm sickened by the dysfunction, but also have known him for 30 years and understand where it comes from.
Compassion, given open handedly, while making sure my boundaries are protected. That's what I'm talking about.
So here's the quick response:
Sasha- I will be your Mother In Law. Happily.
WiscSober- thanks for the warm welcome!
I don't subscribe to tough love with my kids. When I need to put better boundaries in place, I do. My son told me he would win the championship in motorcross when he was 11 - and he has. He told me he was going to make lowriders when he was 12- and he has! I know he can accomplish whatever he wants. I welcome his communications about his life with me. I'm his one and only mother.
Does he always take me advice? No. Does he need to? I don't know. It's his life, his path to walk. I will love him every step of the way, and not judge his life, but work to keep myself and my kids safe. IF he goes crazy. Hey, anything is possible.
Please know that my recover isn't yours, and my methods of dealing with my kids do not threaten yours. We can exist together peacefully.
I do not subscribe to tough love, but I do put better boundaries in place when I want them.
I will continue my families relationship with my sons now ex-girlfriend, as long as she wants it.
The other post I wrote was much nicer,but now I've got to move it move it.
I only spoke to my son briefly, told him I was helping her move out. He was like, Oh ok.
His father is the one who told me. I'm not sure if I'll be talking to him too much, I'll sort it out though. I do have a bizarre compassion for him. I'm sickened by the dysfunction, but also have known him for 30 years and understand where it comes from.
Compassion, given open handedly, while making sure my boundaries are protected. That's what I'm talking about.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Agree with dandylion on that one. Nobody gets to tell me who I associate with. That's one thing I don't like about FB (which I don't use)--why should ANYONE know who my friends are or who I'm talking to, and about what?
And transform, yes, detachment is the key here. Your son's choices are not your business. I was going through agony when my 26-y/o son was clearly being treated badly by his live-in g/f (who I suspect has serious mental health issues). I said nothing unless he chose to discuss any of the drama with me, in which case I reminded him that these situations often get worse over time, and he should keep that in mind before making any permanent commitments. I was internally turning cartwheels when he finally moved out at the end of the lease, and was very proud of him as he maturely (but not unkindly) resisted her manipulations and threats to get him back.
I went through a lot of angst with that son, in particular, worrying about how he was going to come through the process of maturing to adulthood. He was kind of a late bloomer. But he is doing GREAT now, and I am so very proud of him. He has been at the SAME JOB for a few years now (this was a kid who could not hold a job for more than three months until he was 24 or so), recently was promoted, and is taking a lot of satisfaction in his job. He's still got a ways to go, but I no longer worry about him. He will find his path.
And transform, yes, detachment is the key here. Your son's choices are not your business. I was going through agony when my 26-y/o son was clearly being treated badly by his live-in g/f (who I suspect has serious mental health issues). I said nothing unless he chose to discuss any of the drama with me, in which case I reminded him that these situations often get worse over time, and he should keep that in mind before making any permanent commitments. I was internally turning cartwheels when he finally moved out at the end of the lease, and was very proud of him as he maturely (but not unkindly) resisted her manipulations and threats to get him back.
I went through a lot of angst with that son, in particular, worrying about how he was going to come through the process of maturing to adulthood. He was kind of a late bloomer. But he is doing GREAT now, and I am so very proud of him. He has been at the SAME JOB for a few years now (this was a kid who could not hold a job for more than three months until he was 24 or so), recently was promoted, and is taking a lot of satisfaction in his job. He's still got a ways to go, but I no longer worry about him. He will find his path.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Wait! I DO know what I'm going to do with my ex husband
I have committed to helping their young female dog when she has her puppies. I"m going to keep going over there, every day, to see Luna the sweetest girl, and help her with her puppies.
Not sure if I'll talk too much to him. I won't bring this up or give him my opinion. It's not important anymore.
I have committed to helping their young female dog when she has her puppies. I"m going to keep going over there, every day, to see Luna the sweetest girl, and help her with her puppies.
Not sure if I'll talk too much to him. I won't bring this up or give him my opinion. It's not important anymore.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Hollyanne, she is an animal person and I bet she would love a puppy. I just dont know what her boundaries are quite yet. I would hope she would want one, or would want to help us when she has them.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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transform myself- i'm with sasha- i'd love you as a mother in law... mine was just an extension of the abuse i got from her son...
i am so sorry for the obvious, palpable pain you are feeling as your son is acting in what seems to be a crazy manner with a gf he has been with for so long...
and i agree with lexie and others who point out that you should (and it sounds like you already are) do what you want to do with your relationship with the gf...
my toxic family of origin told me i was a traitor for choosing to stay in touch with my sister in law after my brother cheated on her and left her... somehow i was the bad one for keeping my child's godmother and very close friend in my life...
so, good for you for remaining in touch with the gf...
you're a kind woman
i'm sorry you're hurting.
i am so sorry for the obvious, palpable pain you are feeling as your son is acting in what seems to be a crazy manner with a gf he has been with for so long...
and i agree with lexie and others who point out that you should (and it sounds like you already are) do what you want to do with your relationship with the gf...
my toxic family of origin told me i was a traitor for choosing to stay in touch with my sister in law after my brother cheated on her and left her... somehow i was the bad one for keeping my child's godmother and very close friend in my life...
so, good for you for remaining in touch with the gf...
you're a kind woman
i'm sorry you're hurting.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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Oh Wanttobehealthy- I will be your mother in law too! What a gift. I have three sons and no daughters. 
I am feeling so much better. I planted a garden this spring, which I recommend to everyone. Haven't done that since I was a kid. And I've been cleaning out everything and throwing stuff away and packing and all the while praying and singing to my garden and my family.
Dear, thoughtful, kind Wicked has been sending my messages and offering amazing wisdom and support. Thank you Beth.
I just keep sending love and healing to everybody. What a better plan of action, instead of feeling sorry for myself and for everyone. Instead of raging, which I have a real problem with. prey prey, always prey. The Spirits are calling us, always prey..
I am feeling so much better. I planted a garden this spring, which I recommend to everyone. Haven't done that since I was a kid. And I've been cleaning out everything and throwing stuff away and packing and all the while praying and singing to my garden and my family.
Dear, thoughtful, kind Wicked has been sending my messages and offering amazing wisdom and support. Thank you Beth.
I just keep sending love and healing to everybody. What a better plan of action, instead of feeling sorry for myself and for everyone. Instead of raging, which I have a real problem with. prey prey, always prey. The Spirits are calling us, always prey..
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Update
Well it turns out my ex husband is the one who is nuts. I have suspected this for a long time. He's paranoid, watches FOX news 24/7, is stocking up on guns and is SURE Obama is coming to HIS HOUSE to take his guns and ruin the country.
He's always been racist, but this has driven him over the edge. 30 years sober and he's the most angry, paranoid, racist man I've ever met, even though he knows it's bad for his recovery. It's bizarre, but it ain't my problem.
So, that said, he's the reason the kids broke up. They were living together happily until he moved in, and both of them know it was the stress of him moving in that broke them up. My son didn't cheat. That was the delusion of his dad. He's heartbroken, but moving forward.
Luna had her babies on Sunday. I've been over every day helping her. It's a first time for me and I'm so proud. I love her and these little, fat, huge healthy babies so much. It's bizarre. I"m trying to attach a picture, but don' tknow if I did it right
My son is doing well. These are all good things, turns out. He needed to not live with his father any more. I have faith again.
Lesson learned: Don't believe anything anyone tells you. Verify!
He's always been racist, but this has driven him over the edge. 30 years sober and he's the most angry, paranoid, racist man I've ever met, even though he knows it's bad for his recovery. It's bizarre, but it ain't my problem.
So, that said, he's the reason the kids broke up. They were living together happily until he moved in, and both of them know it was the stress of him moving in that broke them up. My son didn't cheat. That was the delusion of his dad. He's heartbroken, but moving forward.
Luna had her babies on Sunday. I've been over every day helping her. It's a first time for me and I'm so proud. I love her and these little, fat, huge healthy babies so much. It's bizarre. I"m trying to attach a picture, but don' tknow if I did it right
My son is doing well. These are all good things, turns out. He needed to not live with his father any more. I have faith again.
Lesson learned: Don't believe anything anyone tells you. Verify!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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transform---WOW, your ex does sound seriously delusional. Who is he living with, now? You probably explained, but I didn't get that part.
I get your enthusiasm for the Sweet dog and the new litter. There is NOTHING more fun than a new litter!!! She has a very pretty face. Animals can touch our hearts in a way that few other things can.......
dandylion
I get your enthusiasm for the Sweet dog and the new litter. There is NOTHING more fun than a new litter!!! She has a very pretty face. Animals can touch our hearts in a way that few other things can.......
dandylion
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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He's living alone with Luna and the puppies. He ran my son and his girlfriend off. I'm able to deal with him while the puppies are growing up, but then we'll have VERY limited contact.
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