Double Winners: Clean and sober with an active loved one.
Behold the power of NO
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by WhiteFeathers 
Since getting sober, it's startling to notice how much my husband actually drinks. Today, for instance, it is early afternoon and he's already 4 drinks in. There are probably 10 more hours left of drinking! Yesterday, I did count his drinks because I am super curious. He drank 2 or three vodka drinks, two glasses of red wine at dinner and then half a box of red wine at home (I think the boxes contain 2 bottles or a little more?)
I used to do that too when I was with my ex, count his drinks and as he was getting drunker, I would start bugging too mentally. I call it getting drunk by proxy. I have talked to other double winners who have been through the same experience, their codependency kicks in and they start acting and feeling high/drunk.
If you wonder if you are co dependent, take that test. I scored 17 out of 20 (5 or more means you are a codie).Codependency Test 20 Questions for Codependents
Also check out this page about double winners Double Winners
Edited to come clean and add (after all we are only as sick as our secrets) that if I don't keep myself in check, I would still do the same (count the empty cans) with my best friend who is an alcoholic. I have caught myself a few times and realizing I was still sick, stopped and had a good laugh at myself.
The gift of Alanon is while in the past I would have not even thought counting someone's alcoholic beverage is NOT normal and I would have been tripping over it and gone out of my way to bring it to his attention, these days I recognize the behavior and am able to stop, have a laugh and get on with my day.
Behold the power of NO
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Just remember NF, do not make your sobriety contingent upon her becoming clean and sober. You are doing it for yourself. I won't lie to you, it's doubly difficult to quit and stay quit when we live with another alcoholic but it is doable. Sending you a big hug and support vibes and feel free to PM me or post here to share your struggles and successes.
We can become and remain clean and sober whether our loved ones are still drinking/using or not
We can become and remain clean and sober whether our loved ones are still drinking/using or not
Eileen Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Huntsville, AL
Posts: 47
Thanks for pointing me here Carlotta!
I started trying to get sober in April 2012. I detoxed while being hospitalized for a near fatal bacterial infection unrelated to drinking. I was in intensive care for 3 weeks and discharged with the warning at my liver was damaged and my next drink could be my last. Started working AA. I've had two slips and currently have 42 days.
Married to my current husband 5 years and we started out as drinking buddies. He now misses that and even encourages me "to have just one" he will ask me to make drinks for him and most recently in the car on vacation driving down was surprised I hadn't brought him alcohol for the ride down!!
I am 43, he is 53. He's not alcoholic right now, but it's a local call for him.
I started trying to get sober in April 2012. I detoxed while being hospitalized for a near fatal bacterial infection unrelated to drinking. I was in intensive care for 3 weeks and discharged with the warning at my liver was damaged and my next drink could be my last. Started working AA. I've had two slips and currently have 42 days.
Married to my current husband 5 years and we started out as drinking buddies. He now misses that and even encourages me "to have just one" he will ask me to make drinks for him and most recently in the car on vacation driving down was surprised I hadn't brought him alcohol for the ride down!!
I am 43, he is 53. He's not alcoholic right now, but it's a local call for him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Not that it makes any difference in terms of how you feel, but if your mom is only planning to abstain from drinking for two months, then re-starting will not be a relapse. Relapse implies that someone was recovering to begin with. She's only taking a break from drinking, not recovering.
Behold the power of NO
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by notfixable
my mom said she will be sober for 2 months which is until I leave then I get to see her relapse after two whole months of not drinking.
In your case, she has the upper hand (her house) yet is willing to try not drinking to help you despite her disease.
Maybe she'll like being sober but just in case she slips and drinks, do not use it as an excuse to pick up and remember, she is an active alcoholic willing to put down the bottle for you. That's big even if it is only temporary. For her, in active addiction it is a sacrifice.
I am not sure what program of recovery you use but whatever you do: work it, don't pick up the first drink no matter what and you will be ok.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Sparta, NJ
Posts: 12
Al Anon
Just wanted to report in on my recovery so far.
My wife is completing her first week of rehab after a five day detox.
We've been married for 35 years and drank pretty steadily, daily, for all that time. We were both high functioning drunks. I was the heavy hitter, used tons of coke, became dependent on oxy's and was the identified problem. I came into the rooms 10.25.11, unwisely with no detox and no rehab, and have been dry and working the steps since. I have a sponsor, a sponsee, I lead meetings, make coffee and go on speaking engagements. I'm all in. It's the best thing I've ever done in my life for myself.
My wife got into rehab via a family intervention. She was coerced and was angry, resentful and in severe denial. I'm grateful that she has since decided rehab as a first step on the path to sobriety is a good idea.
I've been supplementing my daily AA meetings with Al-Anon. I've found that while both are based on AA 12 steps they are distinct and for us Double Winners both programs are vital.
It was easier for me to admit my powerlessness over alcohol in my life than it has been to even understand the power of the mutual codependency my wife and I have been in. Al Anon is beginning to help me understand that and to see the powerlessness I have in my wife's recovery. It's helping me to remember to stay centered, to stay in the moment and to not time travel.
One of the best things that has happened to me so far in Al Anon is the gift of two CD's from another Al Anon member; "Codependent No More," and "Beyond Codependency," both by Melody Beattie.
I'm going to keep coming. I'll report in on my progress from time to time. And certainly ask questions.
Thanks,
Jeff
My wife is completing her first week of rehab after a five day detox.
We've been married for 35 years and drank pretty steadily, daily, for all that time. We were both high functioning drunks. I was the heavy hitter, used tons of coke, became dependent on oxy's and was the identified problem. I came into the rooms 10.25.11, unwisely with no detox and no rehab, and have been dry and working the steps since. I have a sponsor, a sponsee, I lead meetings, make coffee and go on speaking engagements. I'm all in. It's the best thing I've ever done in my life for myself.
My wife got into rehab via a family intervention. She was coerced and was angry, resentful and in severe denial. I'm grateful that she has since decided rehab as a first step on the path to sobriety is a good idea.
I've been supplementing my daily AA meetings with Al-Anon. I've found that while both are based on AA 12 steps they are distinct and for us Double Winners both programs are vital.
It was easier for me to admit my powerlessness over alcohol in my life than it has been to even understand the power of the mutual codependency my wife and I have been in. Al Anon is beginning to help me understand that and to see the powerlessness I have in my wife's recovery. It's helping me to remember to stay centered, to stay in the moment and to not time travel.
One of the best things that has happened to me so far in Al Anon is the gift of two CD's from another Al Anon member; "Codependent No More," and "Beyond Codependency," both by Melody Beattie.
I'm going to keep coming. I'll report in on my progress from time to time. And certainly ask questions.
Thanks,
Jeff
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Great thread. I was thinking about this yesterday and here it was! I am a double winner. I met my husband while we were both in out patient treatment 9 years ago. Obviously ignored the advice not to get into a relationship right away. I got pregnant, we got married. I stayed sober through my pregnancy. He relapsed. Many nights of pacing the floor while he was out.
Had our son. AH kept drinking and drugging. He did in patient treatment at some point. I resumed my drinking. Got pregnant again. Stayed sober for that. Had my daughter. Started drinking again.
AH has periodic bouts of sobriety but when he relapses it is horrible. Money starts flying out the door. He disappears either out the door or into the basement for the entire night. If he isn't in the basement, or out, he is sleeping all day. He is slightly better because before when he relapsed he was an emotionally abusive bully. Not so much any more but bad enough. He gets paranoid about everything. Grandiosity.
I went into detox and in patient treatment last October. Husband was sober at the time and working a program. We were separated at the time. I had asked him to leave in January last year when things were very bad. i filed for divorce but husband was never served because he was living out of state with his alcoholic dad. I stayed sober until August when I relapsed. We had gone camping and I found alcohol in my husband's stuff. He had been showing signs that he was either drinking and using or that he soon would be because he was not acting "right." If you are here you know the signs. When i asked about the alcohol he quacked at me that he was not an alcoholic but rather a crack addict and he could safely drink but I could not. I started drinking.
We are still together. I am trying to string together sober days. My children deserve one sober parent. Currently I am doing all the child care and work around the house and feeling like I am losing my sanity. I have mostly stopped worrying about AH. He will do what he wants. I have no control over him and I cannot change him. I do have control over me though. We both work full time and I am trying to figure out how single parents function since I am essentially a single parent. It is a whole lot easier if alcohol is not involved.
Thanks. I will keep coming back.
Had our son. AH kept drinking and drugging. He did in patient treatment at some point. I resumed my drinking. Got pregnant again. Stayed sober for that. Had my daughter. Started drinking again.
AH has periodic bouts of sobriety but when he relapses it is horrible. Money starts flying out the door. He disappears either out the door or into the basement for the entire night. If he isn't in the basement, or out, he is sleeping all day. He is slightly better because before when he relapsed he was an emotionally abusive bully. Not so much any more but bad enough. He gets paranoid about everything. Grandiosity.
I went into detox and in patient treatment last October. Husband was sober at the time and working a program. We were separated at the time. I had asked him to leave in January last year when things were very bad. i filed for divorce but husband was never served because he was living out of state with his alcoholic dad. I stayed sober until August when I relapsed. We had gone camping and I found alcohol in my husband's stuff. He had been showing signs that he was either drinking and using or that he soon would be because he was not acting "right." If you are here you know the signs. When i asked about the alcohol he quacked at me that he was not an alcoholic but rather a crack addict and he could safely drink but I could not. I started drinking.
We are still together. I am trying to string together sober days. My children deserve one sober parent. Currently I am doing all the child care and work around the house and feeling like I am losing my sanity. I have mostly stopped worrying about AH. He will do what he wants. I have no control over him and I cannot change him. I do have control over me though. We both work full time and I am trying to figure out how single parents function since I am essentially a single parent. It is a whole lot easier if alcohol is not involved.
Thanks. I will keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I'm a double or triple winner too.
My mom and biological Dad are both A's. I'm in a long term relationship with someone I consider to be an A. And in the middle realize that alcohols had just as well cause damage in my own life. I'm in Al-anon but have never attended AA. When I got to Al-anon I quickly realized it didn't make sense for me to drink either. It's hasn't been a struggle at all really. Just figuring out my life made me not desire it. Over the weekend I thought I could have a drink with him. It turned out just how it always does. In disagreements and heart ache. I know now, that I won't be doing that again and if it continues to be an issue for me I won't have any qualms about joining AA.
My story feels very similar to WhiteFeathers. I almost felt I could have written that.
My mom and biological Dad are both A's. I'm in a long term relationship with someone I consider to be an A. And in the middle realize that alcohols had just as well cause damage in my own life. I'm in Al-anon but have never attended AA. When I got to Al-anon I quickly realized it didn't make sense for me to drink either. It's hasn't been a struggle at all really. Just figuring out my life made me not desire it. Over the weekend I thought I could have a drink with him. It turned out just how it always does. In disagreements and heart ache. I know now, that I won't be doing that again and if it continues to be an issue for me I won't have any qualms about joining AA.
My story feels very similar to WhiteFeathers. I almost felt I could have written that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
I love this thread. It has been so helpful for how I am feeling. I am newly sober, a little over six months now, and my husband is a drinking alcoholic. I am not used to being sober and handling a drunk. It is weird, but I can do it. I will keep in mind all I have read, and check back here. Thanks for this thread Carlotta
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Wow this thread is humbling. My RAH is a triple winner too. I wish I could direct him to this but I would totally have to delete my account since I've been using this forum for my own support needs.
Is it super Codie of me to want to delete my account and start a new one so he could see this?
Is it super Codie of me to want to delete my account and start a new one so he could see this?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Thanks for bumping the thread. After reading what I last wrote things have changed. AH went "out" immediately after an AA meeting and church on Christmas Eve and didn't come home Christmas Day. He texted but was a no show. Texted the day after to ask if he could come home and I said no.
He is currently staying with his AA sponsor and working. Working his program and working to make money. I believe he has stayed sober since then. He comes around a couple of days during the week or on the weekend to see the kids.
Meanwhile, I started reading Co-Dependent No More and see so much of me in Janet's story which is the lead off of the book. I think I was destined to be an alcoholic and co dependent. Always a people pleaser with a huge dose of useless and crippling worry thrown in courtesy of my mother whom I love dearly but taught me some not very healthy ways of living life by her worrying all the time about everyone and everything. I see the key to addressing my alcoholism and staying sober in working jointly on the co dependent problems that I have and the alcohol problems. The issues are so very tightly interwoven though that I get very frustrated trying to figure out which are AA things and which are codependent things and which should I work on first. Sort of a which came first, the chicken or the egg but the alcoholism came later. I used that to numb all the other pain.
He is currently staying with his AA sponsor and working. Working his program and working to make money. I believe he has stayed sober since then. He comes around a couple of days during the week or on the weekend to see the kids.
Meanwhile, I started reading Co-Dependent No More and see so much of me in Janet's story which is the lead off of the book. I think I was destined to be an alcoholic and co dependent. Always a people pleaser with a huge dose of useless and crippling worry thrown in courtesy of my mother whom I love dearly but taught me some not very healthy ways of living life by her worrying all the time about everyone and everything. I see the key to addressing my alcoholism and staying sober in working jointly on the co dependent problems that I have and the alcohol problems. The issues are so very tightly interwoven though that I get very frustrated trying to figure out which are AA things and which are codependent things and which should I work on first. Sort of a which came first, the chicken or the egg but the alcoholism came later. I used that to numb all the other pain.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Oh, and the earlier post said I was stringing together sober days. I've got two months under my belt and am doing quite well this time around. Not getting urges or cravings. I've recognized them and the use of alcohol for really ineffective bandages to cover all the other stuff. Alcohol was just a symptom....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
