Sitting in silence...with serenity prayer
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Sitting in silence...with serenity prayer
I am leaving Chile and my husband next week.
I went through a huge downturn in my life in the past few years...and have been loyal, supportive, and caring...hubby is not. I almost wish I had some pretense left, but I don't.
The kids support him...mother and siblings support him. It is like being in care taking prison. I know that when I have hit bottom here, he has been cold as ice underneath...the manipulation and flattery all went away in an instant.
Why do I feel bad? Well, everyone is with him emotionally...but that's not good enough any more...he is good at being the victim, telling people what they want to hear. When I heard (here) from mother (was so down that I called her and she told me I was majorly mentally ill) and then, when I asked for support from the kids...was told the same...I realized that he is so manipulative...even blaming my depression and anxiety on his financial problems.
He says he is sick here...that 'I' will be happier in the states...but he is the one talking all the time to the kids...not me...and won't open up...but not, as I thought before...because it is hard...it is because he is unable to manipulate me any more...to do what he wants.
I feel sick to my stomach. Just got a job offer from 5,000 miles away...but I am the 'crazy' one. I have no kids...they are all lined up wth him...he will not stand up wth me or for me...just says that time has to pass...but that is what gives him power...to keep me in the doghouse.
I have been and am a caring person...but to realize that he will take me down with his last dying breath and it will all me...my anger, my writing the truth BTW, my not understanding that he wants to stay in touch with the kids...and grandkids...that I have to deal with my own issues...
Oh, how life changes when one stands stronger...
I have hit bottom.
I will start to pack tomorrow...I am praying that I will be able to work more on myself from there.
I know that I have made mistakes and failed...but I also know that I didn't do anything wrong...and that he is just bailing ship. I know that I NEED to take care of myself...he is not going to do anything...not anything...because it is all about him. There is nothing more to think about.
I will be saying the serenity prayer...and taking one step at a time.
I was honest here...I told him I was getting advice to divorce him...and I think he just finally knew that he couldn't fool or flatter me any more into taking care of him.
I am reading on an emotional abuse support site...I cannot go back to what I have just gone through...after usng all my money for 38 years...he made me ask for everything I needed. I just learned that in alcoholic households...there is automatic emotional abuse. My kids all think he is 'fun' and 'great'...I am finally just realizing that I cannot make people care...no matter how much I do or have.
Detaching...detaching...detaching...powerless....p owerless...powerless...have put the past in perspective...what needs to get done here is for me to pack and go...and then figure out what to do once I am in a job. But I know have been awakened to the manipulation and blaming that goes on behind my back and realize that I can't impact or affect that...and that I need my strength and hope and self confidence to work....without getting overly emotional or trying so hard any more. There isn't anything left to try with. I need to find my own friends and my own circles at work...and remember that I already gave up all those things over and over to take care of ths person who isn't even capable of letting the kids know that I am 'not crazy' nor am I working just for the fun of it...all to hide his stuff.
Sucks. Well, mistakes are for the learning...I was raised to stay married, but will continue here and let the process take it's course...and find my own happiness...in who I am and not in using it all for others.
I went through a huge downturn in my life in the past few years...and have been loyal, supportive, and caring...hubby is not. I almost wish I had some pretense left, but I don't.
The kids support him...mother and siblings support him. It is like being in care taking prison. I know that when I have hit bottom here, he has been cold as ice underneath...the manipulation and flattery all went away in an instant.
Why do I feel bad? Well, everyone is with him emotionally...but that's not good enough any more...he is good at being the victim, telling people what they want to hear. When I heard (here) from mother (was so down that I called her and she told me I was majorly mentally ill) and then, when I asked for support from the kids...was told the same...I realized that he is so manipulative...even blaming my depression and anxiety on his financial problems.
He says he is sick here...that 'I' will be happier in the states...but he is the one talking all the time to the kids...not me...and won't open up...but not, as I thought before...because it is hard...it is because he is unable to manipulate me any more...to do what he wants.
I feel sick to my stomach. Just got a job offer from 5,000 miles away...but I am the 'crazy' one. I have no kids...they are all lined up wth him...he will not stand up wth me or for me...just says that time has to pass...but that is what gives him power...to keep me in the doghouse.
I have been and am a caring person...but to realize that he will take me down with his last dying breath and it will all me...my anger, my writing the truth BTW, my not understanding that he wants to stay in touch with the kids...and grandkids...that I have to deal with my own issues...
Oh, how life changes when one stands stronger...
I have hit bottom.
I will start to pack tomorrow...I am praying that I will be able to work more on myself from there.
I know that I have made mistakes and failed...but I also know that I didn't do anything wrong...and that he is just bailing ship. I know that I NEED to take care of myself...he is not going to do anything...not anything...because it is all about him. There is nothing more to think about.
I will be saying the serenity prayer...and taking one step at a time.
I was honest here...I told him I was getting advice to divorce him...and I think he just finally knew that he couldn't fool or flatter me any more into taking care of him.
I am reading on an emotional abuse support site...I cannot go back to what I have just gone through...after usng all my money for 38 years...he made me ask for everything I needed. I just learned that in alcoholic households...there is automatic emotional abuse. My kids all think he is 'fun' and 'great'...I am finally just realizing that I cannot make people care...no matter how much I do or have.
Detaching...detaching...detaching...powerless....p owerless...powerless...have put the past in perspective...what needs to get done here is for me to pack and go...and then figure out what to do once I am in a job. But I know have been awakened to the manipulation and blaming that goes on behind my back and realize that I can't impact or affect that...and that I need my strength and hope and self confidence to work....without getting overly emotional or trying so hard any more. There isn't anything left to try with. I need to find my own friends and my own circles at work...and remember that I already gave up all those things over and over to take care of ths person who isn't even capable of letting the kids know that I am 'not crazy' nor am I working just for the fun of it...all to hide his stuff.
Sucks. Well, mistakes are for the learning...I was raised to stay married, but will continue here and let the process take it's course...and find my own happiness...in who I am and not in using it all for others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
I am leaving physically at his request...but I am now going to figure out the best road to happiness for me. He spent a very easy life on me...and never grew up...thinks that because he is down...someone can take care of him...it is always women...and he is working on my daughters and son (who has my personality).
I cannot watch any more, so will take advantage of the boundaries set by them to basically start over on myself. I am strong; I have been strong and I will be strong...and now I have fnally figured out that I need to put me first in healthy ways.
I lost weight here...shed my shopping habit...and now realize that caretaking is stupid...I can be compassionate without taking action each and every time.
I can also take care of myself, God Willing...and the job opportunities is here.
I cannot watch any more, so will take advantage of the boundaries set by them to basically start over on myself. I am strong; I have been strong and I will be strong...and now I have fnally figured out that I need to put me first in healthy ways.
I lost weight here...shed my shopping habit...and now realize that caretaking is stupid...I can be compassionate without taking action each and every time.
I can also take care of myself, God Willing...and the job opportunities is here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Hello.....
I read your post and could relate to quite
a few things you wrote about. For me, I
was and am the alcoholic who was and
were a part of a little family unit for almost
25yrs. I was the one who entered recovery
in the 7th or 8th yr. of our marriage with
2 little ones 4 and 6.
Family intervention was done to get me into
recovery and for that and them, Im eternally
grateful and appreciative.
However.......
With me and the only one in the family living
and incorporating the tools and knowledge of
a recovery program into my everyday life to
the best of my ability, our little family lacked
understanding and communication.
I sooooo needed that component in my marriage
and family and because no one else saw need to
get into some sort of recovery program, we could
not grow into a healthier family unit.
I prayed, cried, screamed to the heavens for
help and guidance during that rough part of
my marriage. I continue to live in recovery,
remain the supportive, trusting wife and mother
all to the best of my ability until I couldn't take
it no longer.
Even after the kids grew and went off to college,
I thought with some marriage counciling, my spouse
and I would some how return to what we were before
the kids. I wanted that romance, love and care from
him as we began a new chapter in our lives together.
Well, sadly it wasn't meant to happen as my HP,
Higher Power was listening to my cries and in His
time answered them by granting me a ticket, so to
speak, a job interview back in my hometown of
Baton Rouge. A place where my recovery roots
and family were and longed to return someday.
My spouse was supportive of getting me back
home and I got the job and settled with divorce
that was made easy on both of our parts in
about a yr. later.
Today, im sober with 22yrs. of many one days
at a time added together to get me where I am
today.....happy, joyous and free.
When I place my will and life over to my Higher
Power, my God of my understanding, there is no
doubt I will be taken care of. I will be given exactly
what I need and not what I want.
My little family still lives in Texas, spouse remarried
like I, and kids are married, degreed and employeed,
living happy joyous healthy lives on their own.
Just like me.
And you will too.
Stay strong as you are.
I read your post and could relate to quite
a few things you wrote about. For me, I
was and am the alcoholic who was and
were a part of a little family unit for almost
25yrs. I was the one who entered recovery
in the 7th or 8th yr. of our marriage with
2 little ones 4 and 6.
Family intervention was done to get me into
recovery and for that and them, Im eternally
grateful and appreciative.
However.......
With me and the only one in the family living
and incorporating the tools and knowledge of
a recovery program into my everyday life to
the best of my ability, our little family lacked
understanding and communication.
I sooooo needed that component in my marriage
and family and because no one else saw need to
get into some sort of recovery program, we could
not grow into a healthier family unit.
I prayed, cried, screamed to the heavens for
help and guidance during that rough part of
my marriage. I continue to live in recovery,
remain the supportive, trusting wife and mother
all to the best of my ability until I couldn't take
it no longer.
Even after the kids grew and went off to college,
I thought with some marriage counciling, my spouse
and I would some how return to what we were before
the kids. I wanted that romance, love and care from
him as we began a new chapter in our lives together.
Well, sadly it wasn't meant to happen as my HP,
Higher Power was listening to my cries and in His
time answered them by granting me a ticket, so to
speak, a job interview back in my hometown of
Baton Rouge. A place where my recovery roots
and family were and longed to return someday.
My spouse was supportive of getting me back
home and I got the job and settled with divorce
that was made easy on both of our parts in
about a yr. later.
Today, im sober with 22yrs. of many one days
at a time added together to get me where I am
today.....happy, joyous and free.
When I place my will and life over to my Higher
Power, my God of my understanding, there is no
doubt I will be taken care of. I will be given exactly
what I need and not what I want.
My little family still lives in Texas, spouse remarried
like I, and kids are married, degreed and employeed,
living happy joyous healthy lives on their own.
Just like me.
And you will too.
Stay strong as you are.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Dear Irisgardens, there is a new day waiting for you. You have done all you can, and sounds like you have realized it's not in your power to change the situation. Your children haven't gained the wisdom you have, so they are still caught up in the manipulation of the A. It's possible when you're back in the States, and he can no longer blame you for his choices, they may one day see the truth. The Serenity Prayer is great for you right now. One day, one step at a time moving forward into a new life, and giving to your HP what you can not change. You are fortunate to have a job waiting, I wish you much peace and happiness as you journey forward.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Irisgardens, I don't know if you've looked at this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-choosing.html but if not, please check it out. I hope it brings you some hope and a glimmer of light during this dark time in your life.
So sorry for all you're going thru w/your family. Wishing you strength, peace and clarity, and for all your troubles to pass as soon as can be...
So sorry for all you're going thru w/your family. Wishing you strength, peace and clarity, and for all your troubles to pass as soon as can be...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
First - congratulations on the job! That is what will get you to where you want - I don't know if you realize but having a good job is a great accomplishment so please feel good about that. I just wanted to point out this is something positive going on even though it's a hard time for you.
I know it hurts and emotional abuse is very difficult (my therapist said it's harder in some ways than physical abuse because the abuser usually denies it happened and you can't "see" it because it's on the inside). The good news is you can work through it. One step at a time and you will come through the other side.
I know it hurts and emotional abuse is very difficult (my therapist said it's harder in some ways than physical abuse because the abuser usually denies it happened and you can't "see" it because it's on the inside). The good news is you can work through it. One step at a time and you will come through the other side.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Aeryn, thank you...yes...it is all on the inside. Thanks for the reminder that it is one step at a time. I know that I need to get started on the job...and keep coming here and read. Thank you for the assurance.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
The Serenity Prayer.
Things I cannot change -- Mrs. Hammer. The kids. Job stuff. The world.
Things I can change -- Hammer (me). Maybe. By God's Grace.
All good in that. Most likely the same for you.
Things I cannot change -- Mrs. Hammer. The kids. Job stuff. The world.
Things I can change -- Hammer (me). Maybe. By God's Grace.
All good in that. Most likely the same for you.
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