luvcaitlin

Its been a couple months since I first posted on here. Been married 17 years to a my husband who is a heavy beer drinker and who has progressively drank more and more and now is lying about how much by buying beer, putting in fridge, but hiding more in truck and sneaking in the fridge so it looks like he isn't drinking as much. I mentioned in my prior post, he drinks to the tune of $350-$400 a month. ($12-$15 a day and sometimes more)

I posted my long sad story in April so I won't go into that. Things have not gotten better since my last post, but again, I was hopeful it would and have the thought process of, "maybe this time, he will get it and "cut down". Cutting down is the only ray of sunshine I have to look forward to because he will never quit or get help because he has told me that a million times.

Two nights ago, I sent my daughter to my dad's so we could have a talk. I showed him divorce papers I picked up (third time in 17 years) and discussed him moving out. Can't move out until next month, doesn't want to leave his daughter who he spends zero time with, loves me, etc etc. Won't acknowledge what his drinking has done to our marriage, me and especially his daughter. The conversation got nowhere other making me cry to no end.
I do still care about him and have stuck around this long trying to help, trying to cope and thinking, "maybe this time, he will listen". The next morning I left an article in the bathroom before I left to work about the effects of an alcoholic husband on their spouse and child and its like the article was either written by me or just for me and my daughter. I also left a letter explaining what this is doing and we have to end the relationship now because it is tearing my daughter's heart out seeing him like this and listening us fight about it. I came back home to a 6 pack of beer in the fridge that later turned into 9, down to 3, back to 6. Its magic!

I need help getting myself out of this and getting him out of this house. I feel like I am losing my mind. He hold up in the back all day on the weekends, never wants to do anything with us as a family, then comes out when he figures its time to go buy the magic multiplying 6 pack. He has progressively withdrawn from my daughter and I and rarely talks to either one of us. I should be thankful because he used to get drunk then come out and harass us (more me)verbally. I don't sit back and take and I fight back so its not pretty for our daughter to have listen to. I feel so bad!!

How do I get the emotional strength to end this? My daughter and I really can't leave. We have pets and 4H animals that we have to take care of and I don't want her to have to leave her room and her things. He keeps making excuses why he can't leave, one of which is money and it is true, there is no money. I need a kick in the butt to do this and do this now. I can't keep living my life thinking this will get better. I do love him, but I also hate him profusely. I am a mess.
Thanks!!

Hammer

jmho -- Sounds like you are putting a lot of effort in trying to control something you cannot control.

And that does sound painful.

Dunno much more than that. Suppose you stop can anytime you want?

But please excuse me, while I go outside and control the winds, the clouds and the Sun.

Controlling things is a lot of hard work.

dandylion

Dear lubcaitlin, I infer, from your post, that you have visited a lawyer, already (divorce papers). Therefore, I assume you have been briefed on the procedures for requiring him to leave, with you retaining the house--at least, temporarily? Have you formally filed?

For your emotional support--the quickest, most direct support would be to attend alanon for you and alateen for her. For your understanding of what you are dealing with--reading the stickies at the top of this main page will offer you the experience of others who have been in your shoes. Books and other reading materials are also offered there.

Of course, you have those of us, here, at SR who will walk with you on your journey.

I am so glad that you recognize the trauma this has been for your daughter to witnesss this conflict as well as living in an alcoholic household. Alcoholism damages everyone it touches--most especially, the children.

Take one step at a time. You are not alone.

sincerely, dandylion

LaTeeDa

First, just let me say that reading your post almost made me throw up. It is soooooo similar to my story. So, keep in mind that my response may be a bit emotional. Even though it's been almost 7 years, I can still very much relate to where you are at.

First, are you truly serious about divorce? Because if you're just waving the papers at him thinking you will get him to change, you are only going to cause yourself more pain. If you aren't ready to follow through, then don't threaten. Same with getting him to leave. The first time I made my husband leave, he didn't take me seriously. He grabbed a tent and sleeping bag and went and stayed out in the woods for a few days. Then he showed up all remorseful and apologetic, knowing I would let him back home. And I did. I prolonged my suffering longer than I should have by trying to manipulate him.

If you aren't ready to divorce, you can still get some space and peace. Here is what I did. I told him that I needed to separate from him for at least six months (so he wouldn't just go out in the woods for a few days, lol.) for my own sanity. I didn't tell him to stop drinking, or anything else. I took responsibility for not wanting to live with him and told him he could do what he wanted--elsewhere. He didn't want to move out either. That's when I threatened. And, I was prepared to follow through, knowing it was for me, not to get him to change. I told him I was willing to separate, rather than divorce, while I got my own head together, but if he wouldn't leave, that would force me into taking the legal route in order to get him out of the house. He agreed to the separation.

We did attempt reconciliation about a year later, but it was unsuccessful and we ended up divorcing.

Sorry for where you are right now. I know how awful it is. It will get better once you begin to focus on YOU and your daughter. Take the focus off him and work on what you can control--yourself.

L

Tuffgirl

Building off of LaTeeDa's post - which also reminded me of my own behavior...threaten until he changed, which he didn't. Attempt at reconciliation, which didn't work.

How does one get the emotional strength? Well, if you have already consulted an attorney, I assume you already have the emotional strength. You just don't want to end it. Neither did I, neither did others here who finally walked away. No one wants to end a marriage and tear apart a family.

Secondly, stop thinking you can't leave because of [insert reasons here]. That is a self-imposed barrier to your decision. Find a solution to your reasons. Temporary solutions are perfect...buy yourself some time. But by thinking you can't leave, your brain isn't in a place to process out-of-the-box solution opportunities.

Getting out of the mindset that if you threaten enough, he will do what you want. He has made it clear he won't. And I know it blows your mind that he seems to be choosing a six pack of beer over you and your family. Blew mine, too. But the addiction has a firm grip on his mind, telling him nothing is wrong with what he does - you are the one causing all the trouble and if you'd just get off his back, all would be well again. It's very convenient, right?!

If you are truly ready to end this, then start thinking in those terms. "This needs to be over so I can find my sanity again, put all my efforts into my kids and my life, and live that life as well as I can" is one good mantra. Another is "things will work out if I have faith in my higher power and the universe".

What does this look like? Here's a start: get on the phone with 4H and start finding places you can temporarily house any animals you can't leave at the premises. You'll be amazed at how many people come forward to help when you say you need to leave your alcoholic husband.

Stop talking to him and start talking to others for support. Stop expecting him to change. And stop being devastated by his continuing to drink. These are all things you can't control anyway.

And re-read LaTeeDa's post again. Notice that when she left, those reasons were for her. Mine were too. I didn't leave to force him to change. I left because the only change I could make was me, and change needed to happen. Two years down the road, I am most grateful I did. It was the right thing to do.

Keep your chin up, and prayers for finding your inner strength.
~T

luvcaitlin

This is how pathetic I am. I have not formally contacted an attorney. I have called to find out fees and retainer fees and printed papers off the our state's website. I have threatened divorce, basically waving papers, hoping he will get it and change. All the replies to my original post make so much sense and are encouraging.. I have to be ready for divorce or what else do my daughter and I have to look forward to? Nothing but worry.. I appreciate all the replies and advice and intend to read and reread until I can get it through my thick skull!

dandylion

luvcatlin, you are not pathetic. You are not the first one to turn yourself into a pretzel trying to control what is essentialy a baffling disease--everyone on this board has faced this in one way or another. No judgements here. We may give straight talk sometimes--but not judgements.

When you admit that you feel like you are losing your mind--that is time to toddle off to an alanon meeting---where other non-judgemental people will welcome you and support you while you sort this out.

You are stronger than you think. And, you are not alone.

dandylion

LaTeeDa

You are not pathetic and your skull is not thick! In fact, some of the most intelligent, strong, creative people I know are codependent. (Me, for example, lol!) I think that's what makes us believe we can change them. We are smart and determined. We are problem solvers. You just have to realize that this is HIS problem to solve, not yours. You can't fix him. But, you can fix your own life. Start thinking about how that might look, whether he is drinking or not.

L

velma929

I could have written your post.

I never had the guts to leave. But I truly understand how it is to consider divorcing someone you love.

I have a peace now that I haven't had for some time. And I have friends now that I'm not ashamed to see because I no longer have to wonder how AH embarrassed himself last time he talked to them. My home is a respite from the work world, not a place I just have to defend myself from AH.

Thumper

Hello, your post is so familiar.

In addition to al-anon and the stickies at the top I also found Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beattie a very good/helpful book. I also had some short term counseling and it was super helpful.

I left when I felt I had no emotional strength left at all. I felt like getting him away from me was the only thing there was between me and losing myself entirely to the crazy of trying to manage/control alcoholism in my life.

A lawyer can help you figure out the logistics. Taking that first step (and going to al-anon) will help you get going. You don't have to figure everything out all at once. You just have to take one step, and then another, and then another. You are allowed to make mistakes, change your mind, say "I don't know" but not knowing the entire plan doesn't mean you aren't allowed to take one step.

Sistina

You have been dealing with your situation longer then I have, I can relate to your pain and sadness.

I hope you find a way that works for you, be strong even at your weakest moments, I know it's hard....like being sucked into a black hole. How do you escape from that??

I spent all weekend in unwanted arguments and found myself locked away in the bathroom crying. Do you think he cared? NO. Would he ever apologize? NO. It's been his way, or no way.

We need to find the strength to make it OUR way.

sunnshinegirl

LuvCaitlin, so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I can relate so much to your post. Can you get an appointment with legal aid to find out if you can stay in the house with your daughter? We are all here to give you support. It's a very difficult situation you find yourself in.

luvcaitlin

I am going to try to talk to someone in family courts today and see what we can do. He was mentioning going to see his parents on Friday which will be good, but not sure if we can hold out that long. He went to cut fire wood yesterday and came back and immediately started drinking. I made the mistake of asking him to please not drink too much and he came unglued. The way he looked at me gave me goosebumps. The look of pure hatred was there like I have never seen in our 17 years of marriage. The best I can describe is how Jack Nicholson looked on The Shining. I use that as an example often. He drank all night and stayed in back bedroom then came out every once in a while and just glared at my daughter at I. Though he has never been physically abusive, he is verbally abusive and we were both scared. When he gets this way, he clenches his fists and walks around and mumbles. He did not say one word to me this morning.. All this because I begged him not to drink "too" much.. Another Monday with lack of sleep and puffy eyes from crying all night!! Pray I do what has to be done.

MamaKit

Luvcaitlin,
You are not pathetic. I too, can completely relate to the situation your are in...sadly, it is common to many of us here on SR,
I also know that "shining" face and demeanor. That is intimidation and he is trying to frighten you. It is not okay to feel afraid and frightened in your own home. IT IS NOT OKAY.
It took a very long time for that to sink in for me. I thought if I acted a certain way...I could make it so he wouldn't act that way. It was crazy. You can't manage him...you can only take care of you.

When you take the steps to get out, as scary as they are, you will find the strength you need. You will.

Sending hugs and strength,
MamaKit

Vikingcat

luvcaitlin - this could have been me writing this. I've been married over 20 years to my husband. We have two boys (15 and 12). He's always been a drinker, but it's been getting progressively worse over the years. He's also a workaholic, and he's under a lot of stress at work. Depending on what's going on at work, he will spend between $500 - $700 a month on beer at the restaurant close to work and beer/wine he brings home to drink. The co-workers that he hangs out with are exactly the same way.

The time we spend together as a family when he's not drunk is wonderful - there's no one I'd rather be with. But when he's drunk, he's not abusive - but loud, obnoxious and annoying (he literally will not stop talking). It's really tedious being around him when he's drunk (which is most nights), and honestly I'd rather be alone.

My kids are at the ages where they are forming opinions about alcohol, and it really upsets me that they see him drunk so often because it make alcohol abuse seem "normal".

He's very sensitive about his drinking, and if I say anything to him about it while he's drunk he gets angry. I have talked to him about it when he's sober, but has told me that HE will be the one who decides that he drinks too much, not me. He seems to think that since he has a very good job that he's successful at, there's no problem. According to him, since he is able to provide for us, I'M the one with the problem.

I'm very unhappy about the situation and fed up with his drinking. If he won't change, it's time to start think about what changes I can make.

Brokentapestry

This, right here! I keep talking to him about it, thinking that if I just could explain it in the right way, then he will understand what he is doing! SMH!!! Thanks Tuffgirl for the brilliant idea!