I'm new here. Things are out of control.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 31
I'm new here. Things are out of control.
I'm new here. Not exactly sure where to start without writing a novel.
My boyfriend drinks pints of vodka. He doesn't usually go out to bars with friends. He does most of his drinking in secret, stashing bottles anywhere he can. There are certain days of the week that I come to expect it, and it's horrible. He pees all over the bathroom, or the couch or bed. he goes on tangents and argues nonsensically. Recently, he drank almost 3 pints of vodka in one day and I thought he was going to die. He tries so hard to hide his drinking, but I can usually figure it out. He lies to me every day. I don't know why I keep holding on, but I can't seem to break away.
Last Friday, his 8 year old daughter was here. Her friend was going to sleep over. I had to dogsit about 40 miles away so I stopped home after work to grab some things. My Boyfriend was sitting on the couch, and I noticed the cover had been removed. His daughter told me that he had peed on it while sleeping. I hate myself for this, but I left.
A while later, the friend's mom called to get BF's phone number. I gave it to her, then called him. No answer. This was at 6:15. Same thing at 7:30, 8:10. It was my worst nightmare. I had the friend's mom stop over (they live next door) and she called to tell me that my boyfriend was passed out. She took the girls to her place and they stayed there.
I can't believe he would do this. He needs serious help but makes too much money to qualify for any assistance, but not enough to be able to afford it. This is only the most recent of many incidents over several years. He says he's hit bottom. He needs to make some major changes. He's sorry. It won't happen again...
My boyfriend drinks pints of vodka. He doesn't usually go out to bars with friends. He does most of his drinking in secret, stashing bottles anywhere he can. There are certain days of the week that I come to expect it, and it's horrible. He pees all over the bathroom, or the couch or bed. he goes on tangents and argues nonsensically. Recently, he drank almost 3 pints of vodka in one day and I thought he was going to die. He tries so hard to hide his drinking, but I can usually figure it out. He lies to me every day. I don't know why I keep holding on, but I can't seem to break away.
Last Friday, his 8 year old daughter was here. Her friend was going to sleep over. I had to dogsit about 40 miles away so I stopped home after work to grab some things. My Boyfriend was sitting on the couch, and I noticed the cover had been removed. His daughter told me that he had peed on it while sleeping. I hate myself for this, but I left.
A while later, the friend's mom called to get BF's phone number. I gave it to her, then called him. No answer. This was at 6:15. Same thing at 7:30, 8:10. It was my worst nightmare. I had the friend's mom stop over (they live next door) and she called to tell me that my boyfriend was passed out. She took the girls to her place and they stayed there.
I can't believe he would do this. He needs serious help but makes too much money to qualify for any assistance, but not enough to be able to afford it. This is only the most recent of many incidents over several years. He says he's hit bottom. He needs to make some major changes. He's sorry. It won't happen again...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, we ALL know it WILL happen again. His daughter's mom needs to know he is drinking himself stupid while she is in his care. Hopefully the friend's mom will give her an earful.
Sorry you are caught in the middle (oh, and welcome, BTW!). There are all kinds of programs available to help your b/f, IF he wants it. He needs a medically supervised detox--withdrawal can be very dangerous. That's only a few days. AA is FREE. It is extremely effective for those who truly want to get sober and stay that way. I am sober almost five years in AA, and my first husband is sober over 33 years.
Meantime, how long are YOU willing to live this way? I strongly suggest Al-Anon. It will help you clear your head so you can start making some healthy choices for your own future--whether he gets sober or not.
Sorry you are caught in the middle (oh, and welcome, BTW!). There are all kinds of programs available to help your b/f, IF he wants it. He needs a medically supervised detox--withdrawal can be very dangerous. That's only a few days. AA is FREE. It is extremely effective for those who truly want to get sober and stay that way. I am sober almost five years in AA, and my first husband is sober over 33 years.
Meantime, how long are YOU willing to live this way? I strongly suggest Al-Anon. It will help you clear your head so you can start making some healthy choices for your own future--whether he gets sober or not.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 85
Worried mind, I am so sorry you are going through this but you have come to the right place here. There are people with experience of what you are going through who can support you. You need to look after yourself first and foremost. Have you tried al anon, have you been to any meetings? I would strongly advise this you will find support and understanding and people who know what you are going through. We have no control over others but we can look after ourselves and help ourselves. I know others will be along here soon with words of wisdom for you. Mind yourself, be good to yourself.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Welcome to SR 
I concur with Lexiecat, you could probably benefit from Al Anon. For me, it saved my sanity.
His daughter's mom needs to be notified asap. Call her even if you hate each other's guts. The idea of such a young kid around such an active alcoholic is terrifying. What if he left a grease pan on the stove and passed out while she is visiting?
The thing is that while I hope your bf will find sobriety, you cannot force him to do so. Remember when it comes to his alcoholism: You did not cause it, You cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
All you can do is take care of yourself and learn to set healthy boundaries.
I concur with Lexiecat, you could probably benefit from Al Anon. For me, it saved my sanity.
His daughter's mom needs to be notified asap. Call her even if you hate each other's guts. The idea of such a young kid around such an active alcoholic is terrifying. What if he left a grease pan on the stove and passed out while she is visiting?
The thing is that while I hope your bf will find sobriety, you cannot force him to do so. Remember when it comes to his alcoholism: You did not cause it, You cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
All you can do is take care of yourself and learn to set healthy boundaries.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 31
I have been to a few al anon meetings. There's one down the street tonight. For some reason, I always seem to think of a reason not to go.
The daughter's mother is also an alcoholic. Last fall, she took a bottle of tylenol while drunk and alone with her kids. The county got involved and she couldn't be alone with them for a while. I'm not sure how things are going on that end right now, but I did tell her. She said that she thought he wasn't drinking at all, and had no idea it was this bad.
I'm going crazy here. I'm always suspicious of every little thing. when he drinks, it happens so fast. I can't enjoy a night when he isn't drinking, because I'm just waiting for it to happen. I feel so stuck.
The daughter's mother is also an alcoholic. Last fall, she took a bottle of tylenol while drunk and alone with her kids. The county got involved and she couldn't be alone with them for a while. I'm not sure how things are going on that end right now, but I did tell her. She said that she thought he wasn't drinking at all, and had no idea it was this bad.
I'm going crazy here. I'm always suspicious of every little thing. when he drinks, it happens so fast. I can't enjoy a night when he isn't drinking, because I'm just waiting for it to happen. I feel so stuck.
Last edited by worriedmind; 06-17-2013 at 12:42 PM. Reason: left something out
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 85
I suggested al anon meetings for that reason it helped me not to feel I was going crazy and that I was on my own in this. It is hard for anyone who isn't living this to understand it but here and at al anon there are people who are living it now but more importantly for me people who have been where we are and have come through it. It is very hard to live with someone who is drinking especially when you care deeply for them. But what has been said already is so true you didn't cause this, you can't control this and you can't cure it. You can look after yourself and look out for children involved and if he wants to get help you can support that but you can't make it happen. That's on him. Al anon was the start for me to get rid of what I like to call 'crazy lady!' Which is who I had become. She still calls round every now and again but I've regained some self control, some self esteem and I've set and held boundaries for myself for what I am prepared to live with and it helps. I strongly recommend alanon it works for me. I'm sending you virtual support and thinking of you. Just FYI my RA is recently passed 90 days of AA, it is his third attempt but he is doing better and his drink of choice was vodka and he drank alone mostly which I find hard to understand and the loneliness of that type of drinking made my heart break for him. Things aren't perfect now but a lot better. I am glad I got help for ME when I did and sorry I didn't seek it earlier. I wish you all the best.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,166
Worried, I was married to an alcoholic for 12 years, I am also now in recovery myself. I know that I will never drink again, so I cannot say that a leopard won't change his spots. But I left my husband because it was obvious that her wasn't going to stop. I was enabling, though at the time didn't realise, quite how much. I feel you need to think about what is best for you in the long term. We have only one life, and if your partner is as bad as this now, unless he is able to stop completely, things will only get worse for you.
I left my husband because I could not waste any more of my precious life on someone who would not help themselves. It was not easy, I had a lot of guilt to work through, but 12 years on I am a different person, with a sober man who loves me, and a family.
As for the daughter, if the wife gives him sole responsibility again knowing now that he is drinking, I would need to report it to the authorities for the child's sake. I have seen close hand the results of children growing up with irresponsible alcoholic adults.
What ever you do, I wish you luck. Feel free to pm me if you want a more personal chat.
I left my husband because I could not waste any more of my precious life on someone who would not help themselves. It was not easy, I had a lot of guilt to work through, but 12 years on I am a different person, with a sober man who loves me, and a family.
As for the daughter, if the wife gives him sole responsibility again knowing now that he is drinking, I would need to report it to the authorities for the child's sake. I have seen close hand the results of children growing up with irresponsible alcoholic adults.
What ever you do, I wish you luck. Feel free to pm me if you want a more personal chat.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome to SR, Worriedmind. I think you have every reason to suspect his words. It was so easy for AXH to _say_ he was done, needed to make changes. It's still easy for him to say that. But actually making the changes is so much harder.
Walking into my first AlAnon meeting was so hard... But I was absolutely amazed at the fact that every one attending understood, there was no judgement. I could share, or not, and no one questioned it.
Walking into my first AlAnon meeting was so hard... But I was absolutely amazed at the fact that every one attending understood, there was no judgement. I could share, or not, and no one questioned it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Agreeing with those who are saying that the most important things here are taking care of yourself and of his daughter. He is an adult and is capable of figuring out how to get help if he sincerely wants it. He is not your responsibility.
I also agree w/those recommending Alanon. If you don't feel a good fit at the few meetings you've been to, then try some different ones. I've been told to attend at least 6 different meetings (different times, different places) before coming to any conclusions about Alanon, and I found that to be true. Different groups of people, different "flavor" to the meetings.
As you read here, I'm sure you'll start to see a common thread in many of the situations, including yours. You'll start to get some understanding and some clarity about what you need to do.
Wishing you peace and clarity.
I also agree w/those recommending Alanon. If you don't feel a good fit at the few meetings you've been to, then try some different ones. I've been told to attend at least 6 different meetings (different times, different places) before coming to any conclusions about Alanon, and I found that to be true. Different groups of people, different "flavor" to the meetings.
As you read here, I'm sure you'll start to see a common thread in many of the situations, including yours. You'll start to get some understanding and some clarity about what you need to do.
Wishing you peace and clarity.
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