Well I did it gave AH an ultimatum

Old 06-06-2013, 06:24 PM
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Well I did it gave AH an ultimatum

Tonight I went through with my plan and gave AH a letter setting my boundary that I was no longer willing to live with an alcoholic. I gave him rehab and AA numbers and even numbers to an addiction specialist. I spelled out his behaviors and how it affects me and the kids and how it isn't fair to live this way and I won't anymore. I mentioned I had seen a divorce attorney and was serious and his response.............

In an angry tone " fine I'm done with the alcohol but you need to work on your spending issues"

Seriously? I make a decent salary, buy groceries with coupons and shop at thrift stores. Have zero credit debt and bills are paid with some left over every month.

I then told him it didn't sound like he was ready to really make a change. Then in a calm voice he said fine I admit I have a problem. I said you need to commit to a program to get and stay sober and his response was you'll see I'm done with the alcohol. I'll find a program. I told him in my heart I think it's over and may file for divorce. I told him I hit my bottom and wouldn't put up with it even for one more day. From now I will do what is best for me and the kids not him anymore.

Now I don't know if I should just file or see if he is going to be true to his word and try and get sober. He has never been to any rehab or AA yet. I don't know if I love him anymore there is so much hurt and anger there I just don't know anymore. The kids overheard some of our argument and then started begging us not to get divorced. It's just so hard when there are kids involved.
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Old 06-06-2013, 06:38 PM
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Sure the kids asked me to hold things together and keep the boat from flipping.

Anything for them.

So like you say -- I do what is best for the kids and not worry too much about her stuff, either way. Seems best for all. Called "her stuff" because it is her stuff.

Her personal behavior towards me (and I guess the kids, too, thinking about) has been worse since she came back from rehab -- but I guess improving.

At any rate, you have a LONG road ahead. Rest, relax, try to enjoy your day(s). We are all in this together.
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Old 06-06-2013, 06:43 PM
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it is hard when kids are involved...but as their parent you have to make the tough choices (that they may not like) to assure their best outcome and future.

sad but oh so telling that when presented with the ultimatum, he turned it on you and what HE needed YOU to do.

a truly repentant man....husband and father...upon realizing that his drinking was about to tear his family apart would willingly embrace recovery.....he'd do anything and everything under the sun to be all that those who loved him hoped he could.....he'd crawl over hot coals.

not tell the woman who had stood by him all this time that he'd quit drinking if she would <<fill in the blank>>.
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Old 06-07-2013, 01:46 AM
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Okay, I respect that you confronted the issue. But how clear are your boundaries? You tell him that you are no longer willing to live with an alcoholic, and you won't anymore. You won't put up with it "for even one more day". So what happens tomorrow? You set some very clear boundaries, but are you ready to follow through??? That's the problem with those kind of boundaries. If we don't follow through the A learns very quickly how to manipulate them.

Maybe you have spending issues, I don't know. From what you say, doesn't sound like it. But the A will find anything, and everything, to deflect away from the alcohol issue.

You would really benefit from Alanon. Find a meeting near you, and make an effort to attend. You don't have to share, but there is alot to be gained from listening to those who have been in your shoes. Your kids need you to be healthy, and to make the right decisions for them. AlAnon will help you guide them through this.
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Old 06-07-2013, 09:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Recovering2 View Post
Okay, I respect that you confronted the issue. But how clear are your boundaries? You tell him that you are no longer willing to live with an alcoholic, and you won't anymore. You won't put up with it "for even one more day". So what happens tomorrow? You set some very clear boundaries, but are you ready to follow through??? That's the problem with those kind of boundaries. If we don't follow through the A learns very quickly how to manipulate them.

Maybe you have spending issues, I don't know. From what you say, doesn't sound like it. But the A will find anything, and everything, to deflect away from the alcohol issue.

You would really benefit from Alanon. Find a meeting near you, and make an effort to attend. You don't have to share, but there is alot to be gained from listening to those who have been in your shoes. Your kids need you to be healthy, and to make the right decisions for them. AlAnon will help you guide them through this.
I do have clear boundaries. I told him I would be filing for divorce if the drinking and drinking associated behavior continues and he does not commit to an active recovery program. I am so ready to follow-through if need be. I have money saved, a plan of where to go if needed although my lawyer advises unless he is abusive to stay in the family home for the time being until mediation. You are right in that he will try and manipulate me if I don't follow through and I will. This is my last and final effort to see if there is anything salvagable. I made that very clear and also that I was going to do what was best for me and the kids and not him. I was making no promises and that even if he did get sober I may still decide to divorce. From now on its all about me and the kids and if he gets sober great, if he doesn't that is his choice and I will move on because it is what is best for me.
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Old 06-07-2013, 10:03 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
it is hard when kids are involved...but as their parent you have to make the tough choices (that they may not like) to assure their best outcome and future.

sad but oh so telling that when presented with the ultimatum, he turned it on you and what HE needed YOU to do.

a truly repentant man....husband and father...upon realizing that his drinking was about to tear his family apart would willingly embrace recovery.....he'd do anything and everything under the sun to be all that those who loved him hoped he could.....he'd crawl over hot coals.

not tell the woman who had stood by him all this time that he'd quit drinking if she would <<fill in the blank>>.
You are absolutely correct. I don't think his attitude or response demonstrates he is ready to change at all. I don't have high hopes that he will follow through with getting into recovery. I have a solid plan for leaving him so I am confident that no matter what I will be OK. I recognized his quacking for what it was especially when I asked him to give me examples of my "overspending" and he couldn't come up with any. Very sad that this man I married is no longer the same man. I deserve a partner who respects me and is supportive of my needs not only his. I feel sorry for him now but happy to know I am no longer "stuck" in an unhappy marriage. I have choices and opportunities.
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Old 06-07-2013, 10:21 AM
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I am a recovered addict and a loved one of a now recovered addict and I can tell you that his response does not show a willingness to make the life changes necessary to not only save himself but also to save his marriage in my experience.

Deflecting is common with addicts and it shows how immature and how self centered they are. You confront the issue that is pulling your family apart and basically attempts to give you an ultimatum back. That is not what someone who just decided to change his whole life around would come out and say.

My mom just told me a story the other day of a friend who found out her husband is cheating on her. When she confronted him, he literally says "I can't believe this is happening to me". SERIOUSLY? Wouldn't you think the first thing he would say is "I'm sorry...I'm sorry while you were sick at home with cancer and also dealing with you father dieing from brain cancer I was having an affair" but no.

It is the same thing. He is only capable of worrying about himself and protecting his addiction. I am happy you have a plan for if he doesn't step up to the plate. And while you don't want to upset the children, they will one day realize that you did not have a choice and that it was the best for them if you do decide to leave. Also, he is the one that ruined the marriage, not you. Your kids are lucky to have a role model that is strong, independent, and has the self respect to say enough is enough and mean it.
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Old 06-07-2013, 10:28 AM
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Dear unsure, I remember another member, in a similar situation, filed immediately---based on the idea that you can file, but don't really have to go forward with the divorce unless you want to. (She wanted to show him her teeth--that she was dead serious).

I get the impression that you may want to divorce even if he does become sober? I'm just asking (I know that feelings can change). Also, are you aware of the difference between being "dry" sober and true recovering sober. Not knowing the difference has tripped up many a hopeful spouse.

I want to add that I admire your courage in taking action to change your situation. As they say--nothing changes until something changes.

Alanon is there to support you and your children through the long haul.

dandylion
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Old 06-07-2013, 08:19 PM
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I had the same boundary with my AH after his first rehab stay. I ended up having to ask him to leave the house 5 days after returning from rehab. He was acting drunk and I found vodka in a coffee cup in his car. I waited til the kids were in bed, then packed his bag, woke him up and reminded him of my ultimatum: you drink, we divorce and you leave the house immediately It was terrifying, I was afraid he would be angry but he left fairly quietly.
I have not regretted that decision for a second. Unsure, you sound about as resolved and fed up as I was at that point.
As my attorney said, you can always get back together if he gets truly sober. But you don't deserve to live in an intolerable situation for a day longer than you already have. Your husband is supposed to protect you and make you feel safe, cherished, loved, and respected. He chose self-destructive drinking instead.
My ex AH continues to lie about sobriety and is still on a downward spiral. It is heartbreaking but there is nothing I can do besides take care of myself and the kids. I wish you all the best and truly admire your resolve.
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Old 06-07-2013, 08:23 PM
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wow. B. just wow.

I want to be like you when I grow up.
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Old 06-07-2013, 08:46 PM
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Thanks Hammer! I think I come across as a little fierce or self righteous on this forum! I did love him, but I knew that if I made a comfy home for our kids, I would just enable him. By enabling him he would just get worse, more seizures, etc. So in a way, I did it to give him a chance to truly get sober -- for the pain of addiction to be worse than the pain of sobriety -- before he did any more damage to his brain.
I'm not sure if it will work for him or not, but the kids and I are living a much more honest and joyful life.
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Old 06-07-2013, 09:45 PM
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I should add that it wasn't quite so simple. After I asked him to leave he holed up in his office/art studio and drank steadily. We had another intervention, and he went to another rehab which nearly bankrupted us. He came home after that despite my attempts to find him another place to stay, and slept on the couch for 2 months, refused to leave, so I, having already filed for divorce, packed up the kids and went to my parents' for 5 months before moving into my own place in March. Luckily my parents are close by and my son could attend the same school throughout.
Just thought I should clarify. Extricating oneself from a relationship with an addicted partner is never simple or easy.
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