cr995

I have now gone nearly 1 month maintaining NC with AH or STBXAH . I am starting to feel like a human being again. Instead of spending all day hiding in bed - I am able to get up by say...lunchtime , have a shower, put on a nice dress and some makeup. I am still doing the same mundane things I always did but it's nice to do them when you have made some effort with your appearance.

Instead of contacting him directly to find out the progress of the house sale ( as he is the one still living in the house) I managed to get contact details for the agent and she tells me she cannot put it on the market as he is not being co-operative so at least I know he's not following through.

I signed the divorce papers his lawyer sent me accepting that I would agree to a divorce if the changed the grounds - but have heard nothing. The way I look at it, if there is anything significant that happens I will hear it from the laywer or court - all I got when I was in contact with him is threats anyway.

It is now about 5 weeks since I started the course 'Journey to Freedom' which is organized by womens Aid about the 'cycle of violence'. In my case it was mostly verbal abuse which seems to score highly on the list of the behaviour of alcoholics.

I see that the reason I felt so bad all these years was as a result of being around him. The thing is I cannot understand how I loved/continue to love this man. He is a thief, a liar, a coward and pretends to be someone he is not in a bid to impress 'other people'. It is just beyond my comprehension and I just wonder does the love eventually go? I cannot even say in all honesty that I don't secretly continue to hope he will get recovery and we will have some sort of a future. But now I'm aware that I have to give myself a chance at a decent life and that is most likely going to be achieved without him. But still it seems crazy to wish for something that is bad for me.

AnvilheadII

well hon, he probably didn't show his true colors on the first date...there were things about him you found interesting and attractive...and there might even have been some unresolved family of origin stuff that drew you to him. this is conjecture on my part. when we love someone it becomes a strong bond and doesn't just dissipate like fog. it takes time. you will most likely always carry SOME feelings for him.....he'll be in your memory to some degree.

you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and moving along your life's path! treat yourself well and with great care and respect, cuz YOU are worth it!

dandylion

cr995, I think this happens when the person who you fell in "love" with abuses you. You are then in the position of looking for love from the same person who abuses you.

I question if an unhealthy/toxic relationship is really love in the first place. I believe this type of "love" fades as a person regains their self-esteem and own identity, again.

i am no expert on this matter (lol), but, this is how I would answer your question.

dandylion

Argnotthisagain

I think they capture us at a very deep psychological level. In other words, something in them grabs our inner child and our attachment cravings that have been crying deep inside from infancy are triggered.

Personally, I think it's their serious emotional immaturity that makes the immature, anguished infant in us feel she's found a home---someone on the same emotional level. So we feel "safe", because of the familiar, mirroring of our own damage.

I'm thinking about my most recent ex, and trying to figure it out, but the pattern is there for all of them I've fallen for, I think. It grabs us in the beginning so hard because he both of us are responding to each-other's damage and so we feel safe and understood.

He's just as hooked by whatever he sees in you, as you are to him; I think that explains the sincerity we sense from him.

And whatever the collection of qualities he has that trigger old memories from your life-- it all comes together and feel soooooooo "Right".

Then, add on the posturing they do, that outer personality of competence, strength, toughness, manliness ("He'll protect me! He's manly!"), and we think, "Ohhhhh the answer to my prayers!!", and we are completely sucked in.

The abuse starts in little bits and pieces, followed by apologies (in the beginning--which may actually be sincere, in the beginning) and our old friend intermittent reinforcement operant conditioning kicks in. Farewell, cognitive thinking and self-protection, Hello, desperate infantilized You, desperate for the Good Stuff Security Blanket you had.

Those are just some thoughts that come to me at the moment.


I know about how hard NC is. I haven't seen the A in two years, but I only said "you're not changing, don't contact me any more" and KEPT THAT BOUNDARY for MYSELF this past Christmas.

I'm doing better finally, but even still, there's that trigger every now and then. He really really grabbed my heart--my poor little ol' damaged heart, and that sad, abused little girl inside still has a hard time believing that the fantasy of him turning around is better off dropped.

In the past, I've craved and held the torch for damaged people for waaaay longer than this, so if I can improve and start to actually begin to feel better about me and my Life, then so can you!

cr995

Yes you're probably right.

I do though find myself asking was he already a monster at 16 when we met? Or was it all still developing. I am starting to remember things that happened years ago and now I see why he did them - maybe - I can't be 100% sure. But he was definately trying to isolate me from friends and family very early on. If the person didn't bite he never really 'liked' them. If they did - they got on famously! For a while till the inevitable happened and I removed them from my life. Either way my circle of friends diminished gradually.

My course is focused on how this is a deliberate ploy to make sure I'd feel so bad I'd never leave him. But to be honest I think a friend who once said to me - your husband has 3 hobbies, drinking, smoking and torchuring you, was right!

I have started reading the book 'From Abandonment to healing' - I can't really get into it but I did read 'Women who Love too much' and that definately resonated with me. I wasn't abused as a child but I think my mother had many children and the really naughty ones got the most attention. I did not receive the attention and affection that I probably should have and the price of that as I am finding out is high. My father had a busy career and while I felt I could have anything materially that I wanted , I could not really have that much of the closeness that some kids get. He was not a cuddly affectionate dad - a good father who we knew would bend over backwards to provide for us but just not warmly affectionate.

Early in my marriage a friend confided to me that they did not feel comfortable visiting as they found my husband 'cold' and 'remote' - I honestly could not see what they were talking about.

Anyway while I can explain it away ad nauseum - it does not take away that gnawing feeling of need I still feel . And that stinks!

I keep thinking well if I work on myself I will eventually meet someone I can have the kind of relationship that I wanted. But then I wonder - when will that be, how will that be - when all I do is hang around Alanon and stay in because I'm trying not to live my life through 'other people.' Arghh!!

Rosiepetal

From Abandonment to healing does go in depth into the areas of grief (SWIRL) & you are still grieving. I came out of a 20yr relationship & it did take time to grieve & get over & like you the abuse continued after separation.
When I look back now to the 16 yr old I met & the relationship we had I see the red flags which continued to pop up but were ignored constantly.
It's only now through life experience & a whole lot of healing that I know I am responsible for myself & my decisions/choices in life.
Don't even think about another relationship at this stage, put Yourself on the first priority list.
Focus on yourself, work on yourself, be kind to yourself, love yourself & when you are stronger & healthier then everything will fall into place & you will be ready for a new relationship.
Remember your self worth is not measured by what other people think of you.
Big hugs.

fluffyflea

As we gain self-esteem and self worth our longing for them will decrease.