sunnshinegirl

I'm hanging in there and doing a pretty good job of detaching and worrying about me. Getting together the money for a deposit for an apartment so I can leave. Only thing that I'm having trouble with is my AH talking to the dog and not to me. He calls her sweetheart, asks her what she thinks about things and has entire conversations with her while I'm in the room and he ignores me. The tone he uses with her is so loving and I never hear that when he speaks to me. Now, I love my dog too but this is just kind of like a knife in my heart. He also lets her lick our dishes and when I asked him about that he got angry with me and told me I washed the dishes so it wasn't a big deal. Anyway, just wondering if anyone else experiences something like this and how they keep focused on detaching?

Katiekate

Oh yes, actually my exabf went off the deep end when I got a puppy a year and a half ago, the night I got her he offered me 1500 dollars for her. At one point he told me if I didn't do xyz with her he would have to kill her, our relationship declined amazingly fast because I was in protection mode.

He wanted to control her, and control how I raised her. He used her as a pawn.

Just see it for what it is, sick twisted manipulation to make you feel worthless.

Keep moving in the right direction, the dog loves you unconditionally, your A is just using the dog to try to get you see something that isn't there.

Big hug to you Katie

sunnshinegirl

Thank you Katie for sharing. I love the dog too so much and realize she is just a pawn in trying to hurt me and it does hurt. Trying to practice detachment. Your story helped me a lot!!

LexieCat

It sounds to ME as if he is deliberately highlighting his treatment of you by making a big show of how much he relates to the dog. "She loves me UNCONDITIONALLY."

Well, yeah, that's what dogs do. They often love even an owner who abuses them. That doesn't mean squat. But it looks to me as if that's a "point" he is trying to make.

I'd ignore it and just sock it away as further evidence of his emotional immaturity.

SolTraveler

My ABF is like that with his dog too, but in his case, I don't think it is meant to manipulate. He truly thinks of his dog as a family member and treats him as a child. Some people are just like that.

My ABF, for instance, goes way beyond what I consider normal with his dog. He lets the dog lick his mouth, share his plate, takes him EVERYWHERE and spends an inordinate amount of money buying him treats. He even - get this - lets the dog hump his leg. He thinks it is hilarious, even though the dog now thinks it is ok to hump EVERYONE's leg - including every repairperson who comes over. It is embarrassing and disgusting. If anyone causes the dog to growl - even if it is the dog's fault (dog is elderly and acts like a cantankerous old man) it is automatically the other person/pet's fault. If a pet or child has an accident on the floor, they get in trouble. If his dog pees on the floor, he gets cuddles and kisses and we all get the inquisition about who didn't let him out.

I have to admit, while I love my pets, I think this is going waaaayyyyy too far. Just my opinion - I know plenty of people would disagree. For example, I do not let my dogs lick my mouth or eat off my plate (Yuck!) and I do not feel that my dogs need to go everywhere I go. Pets are family members, but they are pets.

Anyway. Off the soapbox. Had to vent

sunnshinegirl

Thank you one and all for sharing your stories. They are a big help to me.

waitingmyself

Yes my XRAB is very attached to my dog and I can get jealous sometimes of all the love and affection he shows my dog, but I don't think he's trying to be manipulative. Most of the time I find it endearing. I'm happy to see his soft side come out and that he's capable of caring for something other than himself.

I get jealous because my need for attention and affection is not met and I'm seeking it from a person who has intimacy issues with people. I remind myself that it has nothing to do with me but how he relates to people in general. Also that I'm not going to be jealous of a dog - especially not my own!!! I try to let it go, laugh at myself for feeling jealous over my really cute dog, and or join in the giving of attention to my dog with him.

If anything for me my dog has helped become a bond between us. It shows he cares about something also important to me.

wicked

sunnshinegirl,

My ex husband did the exact same thing. I had a dog with the kids after he (the exAH) left.
When he came over, he would make a huge SHOW about how much the dog loved him.
Getting the dog all excited, talking in a baby voice, and saying to the dog,
"Don't you get to go outside? Poor dog, I know she(meaning me) won't take care of you!"
then he would look at me like the dog agreed with him!
:rotfxko
Okay, this is just one of the many manipulations my ex used, he did everything he could,
every chance he got to PROVE to me that he was not a bad guy.
He was not a bad guy, he was an alcoholic who could not, and did not admit he had a problem.
Except, of course, when he was using it to manipulate.

Brush this off as more game playing.

Oh, SolTraveler, he allows the dog to hump everyone?
You know what Cesar Milan would say, "He (the humper) is showing his dominance. It must be stopped right away."
Your ABF is allowing a senile dog to dominate him. Interesting huh?
The peeing everywhere could be part of the dominance thing too.

Beth

PS, I agree ST, about dogs as pets. My pet is my friend right now.
She sits quietly while I talk and puts her head under my hand to scratch her.
I have had her for over ten years, and wow, it will be hard when she goes.
She is a dog. Not JUST a dog, but my dog.

She does NOT eat off my plate, or lick plates clean. Icky.
I think she could get sick like that, so I would not allow it.
EWWWW.

Mountainmanbob

sunnshinegirl

Very true that I don't mind that he loves the dog but he talks to me rarely and when he does it's in anger. He never asks me how my day has been or calls me sweetheart in that loving tone. And it's a constant that he'll come in and acknowledge the dog and not me. I'm trying to ignore it but sometimes it wears me down and I'd like a little love too. And he allows our dog to eat yucky things if you get my meaning so having the dog lick the plates is just gross to me but he could care less. I need to save enough money to get a place and should be able to do that in the next month or so. Thank you one and all for your help. I don't feel so alone when I have you.

SolTraveler

Oh yes, he lets the dog completely dominate him. The funny thing is, I do not let the dog get away with any of that behavior. He doesn't even beg when I am eating, nor does he ever try to hump my leg. He is much better behaved.

And you know what? I think he likes me better than ABF! LOL! He sits with me and not him when he has the choice. I think a lot of that may have to do with ABF's erratic behavior. When ABF is drunk, the dog hides under the bed. I know ABF never abused him - the dog just hates it. Even HE knows it is wrong, heh.

I am glad someone else thinks it is gross. Ugh. I can't stand to watch him let the dog eat off his plate or lick his mouth - so nasty. I do a lot of medical writing on a freelance basis and one dentist told me that dogs are the prime carriers of the bacteria that causes periodontal disease (gum disease) and that you should never, ever let a dog lick your mouth. Gross, gross, gross.


Again, not to minimize the importance of pets - I love mine dearly. I just think there are rational limits.

Mountainmanbob

dandylion

Dear sunshinegirl, I get the impression that he is deliberately "rubbing it in" to make a point. I would call this a passive-aggressive way of acting out his anger at you?

This appears, to me, to be a creative twist on QUACKING.

If you are feeling jealous of a dog--I would take this as a sign that you have needs for nurture that are not being met by the appropriate channels--like your husband, etc...

Of course, you are leaving--so I know that you have already figured this out (LOL).

We all need nurturing from somewhere, don't we. Helpful Hint: Don't try to find it from an alcoholic.

dandylion

sunnshinegirl

OneHigherPower, so glad you found someone to love. I understand about taking years. It's been the same for me. Yes, Dandylion, my needs are unmet and I do think he's so overly loving with the dog to rub it in. There's no touching, no hugging, no kissing, no nurturing for me. I'm also the financial support of our family so I feel very pressured. It wasn't until I almost had a break down and started seeing a therapist that I've learned so much. Then I found this board and all the threads and it's like seeing everything even more clearly. You have all been such a blessing in my life.

wicked

Yes! Another thing I learned from Cesar is that dogs have a pack mentality, and they need a leader.
The dog knows he (ABF) is not the natural leader, that YOU are the leader.
He will play and act the fool with ABF because he can, and ABF allows it.
The dog does like you better (meaning respects you), because you are the steady, strong hand in the household.
Cesar says they (dogs) pick up on weakness immediately.
So, when your dog goes under the bed when ABF is drunk he is saying "that weak guy is acting worse than usual, I will avoid him."

As you can see, I do like Cesar Milan. I have learned so much from him.
When you are assertive (not aggressive) and sure of yourself, the dog will follow your lead.
They must know their place or else they will act out. (like humping, that is an aggressive act by a confused dog)
Okay, enough Cesar today. I still have not read my daily meditation stuff.
And my dog is looking at me....maybe time for a little walk.
Not that my dog talks to me or anything.
:rotfxko

Beth

tomsteve

look at the bright side: this reads like a great example that moving out is the right thing to do.
why he's doin it? IDK. but its good to see ya gettin into the solution.

im single now, but got me a lil buddy while in a relationship( dats him in my lil picture thing..pete,aka,petezilla!). yup.. i talk to him. sometimes i think he really knows what im talkin about. others he looks at me like sayin,"um,daddy, yer nuts and need to talk to a hooman!"

lizatola

My AH has been like this since the day I met him, always showering our dogs with love. He himself is jealous of his own son and how much time I spend with him, UGH! I have learned to overlook it because I know that a dog gives us unconditional love and like Wicked said, the dog knows I'm the pack leader.

The new puppy sleeps with me at night, he stays in his crate when we go out during the day but he comes to my bed at night and curls up at my feet. He only sleeps with AH when I'm out of town. He looks for me around the house, not for AH. He listens to me on leash, because I'm the one who took him for training and work with him daily on his commands. So, I try not to fuss over the dog thing. I'm not doing a good job of giving my AH much physical love right now anyway(because of my own emotional health issues regarding him and our marriage) so I figure the dog is nice way for him to get unconditional love.

Sometimes I wish I was capable of that unconditional love stuff myself!

tigger11

You know... since you're moving soon, it doesn't matter much how he treats the dog. Look forward to the new place and your new life, and your future ability to train the dog however you want to!