TiredLady

I just dropped off my ex-boyfriend's things at his friend's house, for the last time. He was always promising to stop drinking, but nothing has changed, and each time we get back together, it's worse. The good times last a little bit, but then it gets worse...this last time was the longest we stayed together without a breakup, he'd come home drunk and tell me he was "afraid of what he would do to me if I ever made him really angry." That's a threat, right? I am second-guessing everything anymore. I feel so sad and crazy, like I'm in a deep dark hole.

He peed the bed, and acted like I was wrong for being upset about it. This has been my first relationship; I'm 29 and he's 43. His life is all messed up and I thought I could help him, and we'd be one of those couples that "beat the odds". I took his house key out of his wallet while he was sleeping last night, and all the doors are locked and bolted. I pay all the bills, rent, etc. so he has no claim here. When I told him over the phone it was over because I didn't want to be with a drinker anymore, and I was tired of being afraid in my own home, he asked me if I was crazy. I am not crazy! I am a nice person, or at least I try to be.

I feel so sad...he has been my first love, first sex and everything. We won't be getting married - obviously! - so now I feel tainted because I am not a virgin anymore. I know this is my fault, because you teach people how to treat you and so on, but I am just so sad. It's like all my dreams are dead. I have some Melody Beattie books, so I know I am a codependent person. I've been reading them a lot, which gave me the courage to end it. I still feel like I love him...and if he loved me as much as he always says, why won't he stop drinking? Why does he get so mean to me, the one person who really tries to be there for him, be loving, etc?

Will I always love him? I am never going back. I just want to go to bed and pretend like it all never happened. Thanks for being here on this forum everyone, I've been reading a lot of your responses and that too has given me strength to end it...I am not going to be in a relationship again, or for a long time anyway. I just don't understand why he didn't love me enough to stop. This is the most painful thing, ever.

MyGirlGracie

Oh my goodness, Miss TL... I am so sorry that this is happening to you, but I am relieved that you are turning to SR and this forum for solace and aid. I don't have a lot to offer other than to keep reading your Beattie books... they do help. The one thing I want to stress to you is that, just because you are ending a relationship with someone who is not contributing, it doesn't mean that you hate them or that you don't still love them. I'd like to think that you love YOURSELF enough to do what is good for you and what is the best path to take care of YOU! Making those kinds of decisions is never easy and it does hurt... only you can point yourself in the right direction.

I hope and pray that you can take some little time out of your day, every day, to continue to come here and get the support you need (for starters). I will be thinking about you and sending you all the encouragement I can muster!

gunther84

Hey tiredlady, that was a very heartfelt post. At one time, I was that boyfriend and the best thing my girlfriend did for be was dump my sorry, loser, freeloading, drunken butt. I think your ex needs that same thing. It sounds like he is at a point where he will always choose alcohol over you, not because you lack anything, but because he is a alcoholic of that type that can not see past the bottle.
You will be sad for a while and miss him, but you will get over it with time. Don't look at yourself as tainted. You are still young and you sound pretty intelligent. You will meet someone you deserve. Someone who is your equal who will carry their share of the load.

wicked

Love and addiction are not connected.
If we could love our loved ones out of addiction, none of us would be here.
If I loved myself enough, I would have stopped drinking as a teenager, but I drank for twenty years.

You are a live, living, and loving human being, there is no comparison to a substance called alcohol.

Please try Al Anon. You will learn it had nothing to do with love for you.
You will learn how to take care of yourself.
You will be supported by other live, living, and loving human beings who understand your pain and will help you through the steps to wellness.
Learn to love yourself first.
It is the only way to peace in your heart.
I am searching too.
I believe love starts as an inside job.

Beth

lillamy

Babe,

You are stronger than you think. You are not crazy. And you are not tainted or ruined because yore not a virgin anymore. You made a wise decision and yes, that was a threat. Not one you can take to court but definitely one to take to heart. Like you did.

You did good. You chose to protect yourself while you still had the wherewithal to do it. You were as ignorant as I was when I married an alcoholic - that whole thinking your love would be sufficient to cure him... There was nothing insufficient with your love. It was just like trying to fix a broken leg with a bandaid: doesn't do a thing.

You are worthy of being loved. You are worthy of sharing your life with a man who respects you, loves you, and treats you well. I can totally relate to how you may feel like you're never going to love anyone ever again. But I can tell you from
Experience that hearts that are broken grow back stronger, not harder, and your capacity to love is intact.

Love should not hurt. Somewhere you knew that and saved yourself. That is a good thing.

marie1960

Ditto to what lillamy said.

What you did took an awful lot of courage, and BRAINS!

Even though it doesn't feel like it today, you made the right decision for you.

It will hurt for awhile, but you are an intelligent woman ,and I believe the best is yet to come for you. This was only a chapter in your life, it's not the end, you get to write your own story from this day forward.

Keep busy, embrace your friends and family, surround yourself with those who truly care.

Take the leap of faith, and accept/believe that everything has happened for a reason. I have learned even my mistakes have meaning.............

It's going to get easier , post all you want, we are here and listening, and we understand.

((((Hugs))))

OnawaMiniya

Sweetheart...you ask why he didn't love you enough to stop. That's not how alcoholism works. It's not you. You didn't do anything wrong.

Good for you that you kicked him to the curb. Do you fear him coming over? If so, are there people who could stay with you for a while?

Why do you feel defiled for no longer being a virgin? I'm not judging, I'm just curious about your belief system. Was it just because you feel it was wasted on someone who hurt you?

Do not, do not, DO NOT second guess yourself. When we love someone, and call them out on behavior and are repeatedly told we are wrong in our perception, sometimes this will cause you to second guess yourself. But take a step back, judge the situation as though you are outside looking in on two other people. Know what I mean? You will see clearly that you are not wrong in your perception that he is out of line.

Sending you lots of hugs and wishing you strength. I'm new here, and these people are so kind and welcoming. I feel comfortable already here, and I don't like opening up. Keep posting here. It will help you keep your perspective straight.

Peace.

Gisele

Tiredlady I can relate to you. The 10 month relationship I just ended was with an alcoholic. He too was my "first boyfriend & I lost my virginity to him". I loved him more than he loved me. In fact, I often question if he ever did love me because of how badly he treated me. It was hard for me to break up with him but I knew I had to do it because I was so unhappy and he was sucking the life out of me. He dragged me down so much taking away my self confidence and strength. It's been a month since our break up... I do miss him at times BUT I'm happier without him. You did the right thing by getting rid of him. Continue to stay strong because brighter days are ahead.


God will always bring the right people into your life, but you have to let the wrong people walk away. ~ Joel Olsteen

Recovering2

At 29 you are very wise to see this situation for what it is. You have just saved yourself years of struggle and pain. The virginity thing....let it go. I was raised in a strict Irish Catholic home, so I get that guilt. You approached the relationship with your whole heart, no need to feel "tainted" because some fool didn't respect/appreciate that. Take the lessons and don't look back. You will be better prepared in the next ...worthy...relationship to express your love/sexuality.

One day at a time...keep moving forward.

LexieCat

I'm sorry you are in this painful spot--I remember how it feels! But it DOES get better.

I hope you will also get involved in Al-Anon--it will help you get your life back on track.

Just on a practical note--in whose name is the lease/deed? If he is on those documents (even if he did not contribute financially), he may have a legal right to be in the home, if he chooses to push it. In that case, you might need a plan B. Hopefully, though, he will just go on his way.

Hugs, it DOES get better.

atalose

I’m glad you found SR and I’m so proud of you that you found the strength and courage to let go of a very un-healthy relationship.

Ending are hard, we need to morn our lose feel all those painful emotions, process it all and come out the other side stronger, healthier and more prepared with our interpersonal relationships.

The downside of codependence is in that “feeling the pain” we tend to pretty much want to stop that pain and end up taking them back which then makes us feel better for a short while until it all starts all over again.

I would venture to say that you are probably morning the lose more of YOUR dreams of a perfect relationship with your prince charming. That’s the other downside of codependency – always picking the frogs that will never turn into the prince.

You have a great opportunity in front of you as painful as it is you can work through those emotions. You can work on your codependency so you never become involved with a drinker again. You can learn to realize that real life is very different then that fantasy we all bought into and believe.

Seek some counseling to help you process all of this and keep posting, so many of us have been right where you are today and we came through it.

TiredLady

Thanks so SO SO much everyone. Your kind words and encouragement have helped a great deal already. He isn't on the lease, etc. so there's no concern about that. I was worried about him coming over, but I haven't heard from him for the most part (in the past when we've broken up, he would call and call and text and call...until I broke down and let him come back) and I am doing strict no contact from now on. This is over, I am ready for it to be over.

I was raised in a conservative Christian home, and was supposed to be a virgin when I got married...I do feel guilt about that. I'll get over it in time I guess.

Thank you again everyone. Reading other people's experiences is helping a ton and giving me hope for the future.

LexieCat

I understand having religious principles, but look at it this way. If you had married the guy, you might have had children together, who would have been right in the middle of the chaos and now have to be dragged through a divorce.

My own ideas about God are sort of amorphous, but as I understand Christianity, God loves us and understands that we aren't perfect. He has already forgiven you--it's time for you to forgive you, too. You have a great life ahead of you, and you weren't meant to waste it on a one-sided, selfish relationship.

lillamy

I grew up in the church. I remember once when I was about 13, sitting there in the pew and asking forgiveness for all my sins. And I really meant it. But I was appalled to realize that somewhere inside, I didn't really feel like I had committed any serious sins -- you know, beyond fighting with my siblings and disliking my neighbor... From a religious perspective, I think not being able to be perfect is a good thing: It gives God a chance to show you how imperfect you are, and remind you how much you need him.

Remember the woman in the New Testament who was going to be stoned -- and Jesus said to the men who were going to stone her, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone"? And they all went home. And Jesus asked her where those were that would judge her -- and when she told him they had left, he said "neither do I judge you."

If Jesus doesn't judge you, please don't judge yourself.

Lots of hugs.

posiesperson

TL,

I really respect your honesty here. I'm more than a decade older than you and I married my (now ex-) husband in my 20s in part because I had sex with him before we were married. My Catholic upbringing and my family attitudes shaped this perception. I had 2 kids with him, and my oldest tells me she wishes he wasn't her father because of his alcoholic-like behavior (I have no evidence to prove he is an active alcoholic, but he acts like a "dry drunk" in his unpredictable behavior/responses). My upbringing did not prepare me for that kind of pain, and I marvel at how I felt trapped by the belief that I had to marry him because of of having sex premaritally.

Sometimes I'm not sure what caused me more pain over the years: feeling trapped by believing I had to marry the first man I had sex with, or, (after my marriage was over) trying to make a relationship work with the crazy-making excuses of an alcoholic. I actually think both things are on par with each other in terms of the immense pain I felt at those times in my life.

Happily, I eventually extricated myself from both terrible traps and I am now, with the help of Alanon over the last 4 years, continuing to claim my own life. As another gift in all of this I have been in a healthy relationship for the past 1.5 years with a man my own age who is not an alcoholic.

I commend you for your choice--in my experience you have chosen the easier, wiser, more spiritual and loving path. And I believe that is exactly what God wants for you. Congratulations, and I'm truly impressed with your strength.

Hugs,
posie

neferkamichael

Tiredlady, you are FANTASTIC. No, you're not crazy. I'm glad you got out fast and I hope you put this behind you quickly. You are under no obligation to hold on to anything concerning him because he was your 1st.

RevivingOphelia

It saddens and disturbs me that any religion or belief system makes women feel "tainted" if they act upon their natural sexuality. You are NOT tainted. Would a man be? NO. I realize it's hard to critically examine a strong set of beliefs but, really, this is a warped and damaging way to view yourself. You are more than your "virginity"---that belief stems from sexism and misogyny that posits that women are only as valuable as to what is b/w their legs and comes from the notion that we are property to men. Please, try to not feel that way about yourself. It is not healthy. You are fine just the way you are and have the absolute RIGHT to explore your sexuality in any way you see fit without feeling guilt or shame.

As for your relationship, I think it is strong and right of you to move on from this man who obviously is not at a healthy place to have a relationship.

Archangelesk

Tiredlady - YOU ARE AWESOME.

What you just decided to do took courage and integrity. And it took a moral shift inside. The most terrible thing about the relationship between an alcoholic and a codependent is that the choices the codependent makes come from a loving place. You just wanted to love this man into being healthy. And a Christian viewpoint often re-enforces the idea of self-sacrificial love - and that can end so very badly - with you mired down in this relationship out of guilt and before you know it, he has taken you, and perhaps some children, down with him. So, you figured all of that out and it has been transformative and good for you. Bravo!

And now you are left with your broken heart. I will echo everyone else - this will pass. It will heal. You will love again, but with someone worthy of you who returns your love in the way it was meant to be.

As to your virginity. I was raised as an evangelical Christian as well. So, I know where you are, although I am not there anymore. I have some thoughts on this, although I know you will process it when you are ready and according to whatever religious beliefs you want to maintain. But, you just made a fundamental change in your belief system on an emotional and perhaps more secular level. You choose your rational brain over your heart. Your heart told you a lot of things, things that ended up causing you pain. Your brain told you that your alchoholic boyfriend was cruel and irrational and that it was not right for you to stay and keep giving while he sucked you dry. And despite all the pain it caused you to overule your heart, you did it.

I think that this is an incredible triumph. And I think you can make these adjustments again with respect to how you feel about your virginity. Your heart tells you to cling to your comfort zone and the tenants of religion by which you were raised. Your mind can probably look at a literal reading of the bible and raise some questions. Not too many people are walking around with tassles at the four corners of their cloaks anymore, not too many people marry multiple wives and fewer and fewer want to stone people who are gay, or even question that there is anything wrong with being born with a non-heteronormative orientation.

Your Christianity can evolve. You could, for example, decide (as another poster mentioned) that God will not judge you harshly for this because all have sinned, as Jesus did with the woman caught in the act of adultery (is it just me, or does that act require two people? I have always wondered why no one was trying to stone the man who must have been involved. Chalk one up to the patriarchy, I suppose). You could go forth and sin no more and decide not to engage in sexual activity until you are married. Or, you could choose to take a broader view and decide that sexually morality does not require marriage. Maybe sexual morality is defined by being loving and giving and kind inside of a sexual relationship built on mutual trust and respect. You did not have that with your ex. And if you had married him, it would not have suddenly made your sexual relationship healthy or good or moral. Because the relationship was sick in other ways.

Go easy on yourself on this one. I believe the God of your understanding, looks down on you in love and compassion in this moment. He or she sees your pure and beautiful heart and your shining, rational brain and smiles with joy that you are growing towards your potential and freeing yourself from unhealthy attachment.

sandgirl

Ending a destructive relationship is really hard, I `ve done it and it`s still painful a year later but I KNOW it was absolutely the right thing to do. Before he destroyed me too-some people can`t be fixed by someone else-they have to want to do it themselves. I hope you see light at the end of the tunnel soon xx

chicory

A 'Wow' post, Beth.

it made me think of how addiction must be sort of like being in a dark box of he!!, where everything precious is on the outside.

it is so hard to walk away from that box. cause we cant make them come out, til they hate it enough to find their way out.