At a loss
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 3
At a loss
I don't know what to do anymore. I love my fiancé with all my heart, but he has a problem. Every night he needs to drink at least a 12 pack & sometimes he drinks 2 of them. I've told him in the past that as long as he doesn't treat me differently and still shows me he loves me that I wouldn't harass him about it, but I want to take that back now. I went on his computer and found pictures of other girls and proof that he has been having conversations with many girls and trying to get naked pictures of them. This is something he would never do sober & doesn't know he does. He deletes everything so I can't find it and never remembers doing anything wrong, how can I trust him? In the mix of our argument I wound up on the ground twice and now I'm nervous, he's now becoming physical... What do I do? I need this to stop
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
GK73, if there's anything we all suffer from it is naivete. Don't think you are alone here. We see the craziness and believe that they can't possibly know what they are doing.
Then they tell us they don't remember doing it, and we believe that too.
So first, I'll crush your innocent naivete. He KNOWS what he is doing. He KNOWS he is being abusive to you! He KNOWS he looks for girls to hook up with on the computer. He KNOWS he drinks too much, and he doesn't care that you know too.
Why?
Because he has seen that you will put up with it, and believe him, in this innocent childish type of way. It's called naivete.
He's ramped up the abuse to include violence and harming you.
Did you have a caring mother, sister, aunt, teacher? What do they say?
What would you tell a friend who was being physically abused?
The first thing you have to get out of your head is that he doesn't know what he is doing, or why he is doing it. He knows perfectly well, and he is doing it to manipulate, intimidate, and control you.
And he doesn't care about your feelings here, not one little bit. It is all completely selfish.
Until you recognize that as the truth, you will continue to let this man hurt you.
Please guard that person inside of you that is so gullible, protect her, and get her to safety. She is the little girl (or boy) inside us all.
Then they tell us they don't remember doing it, and we believe that too.
So first, I'll crush your innocent naivete. He KNOWS what he is doing. He KNOWS he is being abusive to you! He KNOWS he looks for girls to hook up with on the computer. He KNOWS he drinks too much, and he doesn't care that you know too.
Why?
Because he has seen that you will put up with it, and believe him, in this innocent childish type of way. It's called naivete.
He's ramped up the abuse to include violence and harming you.
Did you have a caring mother, sister, aunt, teacher? What do they say?
What would you tell a friend who was being physically abused?
The first thing you have to get out of your head is that he doesn't know what he is doing, or why he is doing it. He knows perfectly well, and he is doing it to manipulate, intimidate, and control you.
And he doesn't care about your feelings here, not one little bit. It is all completely selfish.
Until you recognize that as the truth, you will continue to let this man hurt you.
Please guard that person inside of you that is so gullible, protect her, and get her to safety. She is the little girl (or boy) inside us all.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If he has the presence of mind to delete the evidence, trust me, he remembers.
Physical abuse, alcoholism, and trolling for naked pictures of other women--any of those are more than enough reason to leave. You certainly do not want to marry this man.
You cannot trust him. Please call the domestic violence hotline and find out what you can do to protect yourself. I have worked in the DV field for many years, and you are in a very dangerous situation.
Physical abuse, alcoholism, and trolling for naked pictures of other women--any of those are more than enough reason to leave. You certainly do not want to marry this man.
You cannot trust him. Please call the domestic violence hotline and find out what you can do to protect yourself. I have worked in the DV field for many years, and you are in a very dangerous situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 3
I agree with most of what's being said but I want to clear up that he is not physically abusing me he has never laid a hand on me, I fell bc I snapped not him. All the other stuff is a problem, but I would never fear for my life with this man
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
In the mix of our argument I wound up on the ground twice and now I'm nervous, he's now becoming physical... What do I do? I need this to stop
Please GK73, take what you need and leave the rest.
If you do agree with most of what is being said, then go with that.
From what you have written, he has no respect for you or your relationship.
I hope you get help for yourself before you get lost in this chaos.
Have you heard of AlAnon? This group can be a fantastic support for you.
You will be heard and be given love and support.
You (and all of us) deserve to be treated as the special gifts from God that we are.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by GK73 
I agree with most of what's being said but I want to clear up that he is not physically abusing me he has never laid a hand on me, I fell bc I snapped not him. All the other stuff is a problem, but I would never fear for my life with this man
He's clearly at the very least emtionally cheating on you with other women, you stated you are in fear for your physical self and he is an alcoholic. Any one of those is a deal-breaker. You just have to decide for yourself if this life with him, the way it is right now, is how you want to live the rest of your life with him. Do you?
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
GK73
please read and follow the advice given to you here from those who understand. it's ok to be naive but once you have the intuition and gut instincts kicking in you are no longer truly naive. the whole computer situation? yes, he knows what he is doing. get it through your head clearly you will be told any number of things to throw you for a loop or off balance. to create confusion within yourself which then keeps you in the situation even longer.
you will be treated differently and it gets worse.
you take care of you. you get out for you. concentrate on you and only you.
i sense in your first post you were very accurate with the statement of it is becoming physical. after that it was more of a possibility of it being your own fault you fell. don't let your mind play tricks on you. it is what it is.
after a certain amount of time, a toxic relationship can completely confuse you.
it didn't have to start out toxic either--it can become this way gradually--to the point you really can't even pin point when or what or where it started happening. that is when you are actively in it.
get out, take care of you and things will then fall in to place.
find your strength as i always say. it's there. you deserve happiness and safety and honesty from a true partner.
please read and follow the advice given to you here from those who understand. it's ok to be naive but once you have the intuition and gut instincts kicking in you are no longer truly naive. the whole computer situation? yes, he knows what he is doing. get it through your head clearly you will be told any number of things to throw you for a loop or off balance. to create confusion within yourself which then keeps you in the situation even longer.
you will be treated differently and it gets worse.
you take care of you. you get out for you. concentrate on you and only you.
i sense in your first post you were very accurate with the statement of it is becoming physical. after that it was more of a possibility of it being your own fault you fell. don't let your mind play tricks on you. it is what it is.
after a certain amount of time, a toxic relationship can completely confuse you.
it didn't have to start out toxic either--it can become this way gradually--to the point you really can't even pin point when or what or where it started happening. that is when you are actively in it.
get out, take care of you and things will then fall in to place.
find your strength as i always say. it's there. you deserve happiness and safety and honesty from a true partner.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
You need to leave or get him to leave that,s what you need to do.
His behaviour is unacceptable.
][/B]
His behaviour is unacceptable.
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Originally Posted by GK73
I don't know what to do anymore. I love my fiancé with all my heart, but he has a problem. Every night he needs to drink at least a 12 pack & sometimes he drinks 2 of them. I've told him in the past that as long as he doesn't treat me differently and still shows me he loves me that I wouldn't harass him about it, but I want to take that back now. I went on his computer and found pictures of other girls and proof that he has been having conversations with many girls and trying to get naked pictures of them. This is something he would never do sober & doesn't know he does. He deletes everything so I can't find it and never remembers doing anything wrong, how can I trust him? In the mix of our argument I wound up on the ground twice and now I'm nervous, he's now becoming physical... What do I do? I need this to stop
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
GK73,
Al-anon is for you, to help you get better and learn to make healthier choices for yourself. It’s not to fix him or to fix your relationship.
He’s found an enabler – you didn’t care he drank himself silly at night as long as he didn’t treat you any differently. So now he is treating you differently and you want what to happen???
What are your expectations that will make YOUR life happier?
Al-anon is for you, to help you get better and learn to make healthier choices for yourself. It’s not to fix him or to fix your relationship.
He’s found an enabler – you didn’t care he drank himself silly at night as long as he didn’t treat you any differently. So now he is treating you differently and you want what to happen???
What are your expectations that will make YOUR life happier?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
the amazing guy and the guy with the problem are the SAME person.
You say you are willing to try anything, well I can only suggest, you start looking out for yourself. This guy is not who you think he is.
If today is as good as it ever will be, is that an acceptable life for you? More is going to be revealed, in time.
Hope you continue to educate yourself about addiction, I think it's important to make life decisions based on facts, don't you?
You say you are willing to try anything, well I can only suggest, you start looking out for yourself. This guy is not who you think he is.
If today is as good as it ever will be, is that an acceptable life for you? More is going to be revealed, in time.
Hope you continue to educate yourself about addiction, I think it's important to make life decisions based on facts, don't you?
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