Summerpeach

I have close to 4 yrs of Al Anon under my belt and one year away from any relationship with any addict, but my friends who are in relationships with active addicts are now as poison to me as any addict.

Two of my gf's are in such serious codie relationships (worse than I ever was) and being around them causes me to have my own codie slips and makes me feel toxic.
These are good woman, good hearts, but I just cannot take their chaos. They ignore me when they are enthralled in their sick relationships and come around when they break up for the 20th time.

How have you detached from friendships like this once you have been in recovery yourself?
In all honestly, I don't want to be around users or in denial codies. Being so far removed from it now, I can't believe how sick some codies are.

marie1960

My very best friend is in the process of leaving her alcoholic/ not an alcoholic husband.

And honestly, she is driving me nuts.

I want to be there for her, but in a matter of a half hour she will say 3 different things. If she has contact with her hubby, she goes off the deep end, and then I am reeling her back in. I told her today, if you are done, be done. If you just want to COMPLAIN and not take the necessary steps to help yourself, I'm going home. You don't need my help packing.

The best I can come up with is "Lets stick to the facts of the situation" She gets herself in such a tailspin, I realize this is a very emotional time for her, but for God's sake , the other day, she was crying about not taking the can opener ( tomorrow is moving day). I'm thinking you have bigger issues than the damn can opener .

The fact that we have been best friends since the age of 3 years old, (we are now in our 50th year together, gosh I cannot believe its been that long) I think I would run away from all the chaos and drama. It is completely exhausting.


You get to decide how much of yourself you are willing and able to invest in a friendship. You have every right to take a step back and allow them to work out their own issues. you can only listen so long, and then the story repeats itself. If you feel they are using you and robbing you of your own personal joy, I would limit my contact with them.

Thanks for sharing, your words touched home.

fluffyflea

[

Yes, you have to for your sanity.





QUOTE=Summerpeach;3964662]I have close to 4 yrs of Al Anon under my belt and one year away from any relationship with any addict, but my friends who are in relationships with active addicts are now as poison to me as any addict.

Two of my gf's are in such serious codie relationships (worse than I ever was) and being around them causes me to have my own codie slips and makes me feel toxic.
These are good woman, good hearts, but I just cannot take their chaos. They ignore me when they are enthralled in their sick relationships and come around when they break up for the 20th time.

How have you detached from friendships like this once you have been in recovery yourself?
In all honestly, I don't want to be around users or in denial codies. Being so far removed from it now, I can't believe how sick some codies are.[/QUOTE]

Summerpeach

Marie; thanks for the share. It's tough when you've had someone in your life for a long time that you just can't take being around. I'm sorry your friend is driving you mad. I recall in my relationship with my addict ex when I was leaving, going back, and then leaving my ex again, I drove my friends and family crazy. But I guess being away from that sickness for so long, I just can't tolerate it at all.
I'm still working so hard on figuring out myself and why I attract so many addicts (friends and ex's) into my life.

This one girl who I met 18 months ago who was dating my best friend has stayed in my life once he left her. She hooked up to other guy friend of mine who I never in a MILLION years thought she would like. She is a beauty queen, smart, good job etc and I looked up to her so much. She meets this guy I know (he's not a super close friend). he has no job, serious addict, never brushes his teeth or washes etc and she started to date him. In weeks he was moved into her house, she cut most of her friends off and started to mother him.
Her 10 yr old cat went missing and she would not go look for him because she said "my man (she won't even say his name to me and I've known him 30 yrs), had a sore stomach and I could not leave him to go look for the cat" I was like "really"??!

So now she is fighting with him because he "liked" another girls pic on fb. No, it's ok he doesn't wash or work or that he smokes weed 15 time a day and drinks til he falls down, but not ok he liked another girl's pic. She calls me in tears and wants to hang out to talk. Yeah ok, you've ignored my friendship for 6 months and now you need me!? I finally agreed to see her, but no, she cancelled with me because he was back. I spoke to her to explain because he's an addict he doesn't think right. She said "he's not an addict". Then I realized I need to mind my own business and she is "crazy"

Seriously, when I met her and she was with my other friend, she did not show this side to her at all. Our gang of friends are shocked at how she's being and frankly, I am super disappointed but really want her out of my life.

In all honesty, I feel really alone and lonely because I just can't participate anymore with people who behave in ways that make me feel like "slipping" or who are really spiritually sick.
It's so hard not to judge or to be self-righteous but it just oozes out of me when I am around people like this.

It's so hard to find people who are not codie, but I know this will come when I keep working on me

LexieCat

Detachment is a great tool to deal with ANY problematic relationships--bosses, co-workers, neighbors, friends. At least with the "friends" it's possible to put some distance between you.

You might suggest that Al-Anon could help your (ex?) friend (which she probably won't accept, since she doesn't see this guy as an addict), and tell her that her issues are beyond your ability to help with. And walk away, knowing you gave her a resource she can turn to when/if she is ready for help.

Summerpeach

Thanks Lexie.....she attended a popular seminar for 3 yrs which deals with childhood/life dramas/traumas and think she's ok. No way would she go to an Al Anon meeting.
I'm so done suggesting meetings to my codie friends. They are just not in enough pain I guess

stella27

summer,

My male friend had a girlfriend who went crazy on me through email.
He assured me they were done and told me she was moving out of town.
She moved out of town and then moved back.

Through a bizarre series of events (made-up in my opinion), she is now living in his house. He says that she is "getting so much better."

She is no longer drinking hard and taking drugs, she is no longer taking diet pills because she can't afford food. She has a job and is going out with friends. She will be back in her own apartment "soon".

In the meantime, guess who has started getting threatening emails telling me that they are getting married?

Me. Which relationship do I have the ability and authority to control? Mine with him. And it breaks my heart, because I have deep historical affection for him and once had deep respect.

Now I just need to get away because I am all kinds of triggered and I don't like how I act.

fourmaggie

funny...the girlfriend i had in my life "dumped" me but she was so a Codie herself...enough is enough...

i need my serenity...i need peace and quiet....
she has her shame and guilt...

*shrugs*

LifeRecovery

Summerpeach-

Part of my recovery has been realizing that I get myself into trouble with many types of relationship....not just intimate ones.

I often get into friendships with those that take a lot of energy (some are addiction related some are more codependency related).

I know I am not ready for an intimate relationship yet....because I have not worked through some of the pieces with friendships.

The three As have helped with this Awareness, Acceptance, Action. It was a painful awareness for me. I started asking people in my life who I have good relationships with from childhood, high school college and after and they all have shared how they see this pattern in my life of finding "special friends." Good for you for recognizing it. I hope as I work my recovery that I get to do it differently.

Summerpeach

ahh, really, thanks everyone for talking me through this. Your stories make me feel less alone.

Yes I need my peace and serenity and they have their shame.

It's amazing how once you start to heal how you can slip so quickly when being around "unhealed" codies.
I found myself saying in my head "Shut up" over and over when I am around them.
It's nuts! I hang with a few people who are not super codies and my mind is just at rest. I don't know a mind at rest so I am like "ok, this is strange, but I like it"

lillamy

I've found, much like LR, that recovery affected many of my relationships.
One friend was just too demanding (would get really angry if I was five minutes late to a coffee date -- and believe me, I'm ALWAYS on time, so if I'm not, there is something seriously wrong); one friend was just too... codielike, and would constantly tell me what to do. And one, I discovered, was only talking about herself and if I was talking, she was thinking about what she was going to say once I shut up.

I think for me, it was almost harder to allow myself the freedom to choose to not spend time with friends than it was to break away from my marriage. Because somehow, it was harder to convince myself I had the right to not hang out with people who drained me because they hadn't really done anything abusive. But they drained me nevertheless.

But it wasn't just my recovery but also my ex's continuing alcoholism that affected my other relationships.

I'm in a weird spot right now because I've deliberately limited my time with my draining friends -- but I've also found that normal people tend to shun me. I don't think it's got anything to do with me as a person; it's just that normal people don't want the burden of having a friend who occasionally ducks out and lives in hiding from an abusive ex. I mean, who wants an abusive drunk banging on their door at 2 am asking if I'm there, know what I mean?

So right now, I don't really have friends. I have coworkers for adult interaction, I have you guys, I have my Al-Anon friends, my kiddos, and my man. That's about it. And I know it won't always be this way, and it's OK because most of all, I need to spend time with my kids right now. But it's still sad, and makes it harder to make it back to some kind of normalcy when people are afraid to get to close to you for fear of your problems being contagious. Again, I don't blame them -- I'd react the same way, probably.

LifeRecovery

I keep thinking (and hoping) that I am like something trying to grow in the spring. A lot of it is done underground, out of sight and it is not the part that is interesting. When I am ready I will peak through the earth in my glorious colors and interact in the world.

Right now I am just making sure those roots are strong.

fourmaggie

*I often get into friendships with those that take a lot of energy (some are addiction related some are more codependency related*

dont forget lots of family members too...
ur rite on about the 3A's.....

LifeRecovery

I moved 2800 miles away right out of college....

Not because I don't love my family....but because I knew I could not figure out who I was around them. I would be so desperately trying to please them that I would be unable to listen to myself....sound familiar anyone?

I have only recently realized that though I did not grow up with active addiction....I did grow up with rampant codependency in the family, and though the style is different in how we get ourselves into trouble it still got me into a lot of hot water. Lack of self-care can be a long, slow, destructive slide.

Being physically removed though has helped create space to heal and some objectivity to the crisis of any given situation.

fourmaggie

**I did grow up with rampant codependency in the family, and though the style is different in how we get ourselves into trouble it still got me into a lot of hot water. Lack of self-care can be a long, slow, destructive slide. **

ok? did you grew up in my house?
you said it dead on!!

i know now why i am like this NOW....

hot water? ME? naaa...(hell yes!)
.....destructive side...who me? naaaa..(hell ya!!)