alphaville

I have read some posts, and if you took me back 15 years and I were single, I would have said to break up with the alcoholic loser and move on. But the problem is not just that I love my alcoholic (husband) of 7 years, and that he's a LOVELY person while sober, but that we have three children together. That said, when he drinks (which is every night - he tried the drugs and whatnot, but alcohol has been his only coping mechanism for 20 years or so, so he can only stop for about 3 days at a time (the longest may have been two days, not sure if he drank one night and lied about it, but up until 2 months ago he had not gone one night without alcohol in the 7 years). Our kids are little, but they KNOW. He falls down the stairs a lot, and breaks things (and has broken one baby gate so many times by falling that I just removed it). He drops the kids, squeezes them too hard, scares them. He often misses dinner because he's too drunk, and then undresses as he crawls to bed. Unfortunately the undressing wherever and going to bed once he's blitzed has happened at dinners at our place, so often that I just stopped being able to invite anyone over (and have lost some friends--early friends, but still people I enjoyed having in my life).

When he's drunk he's abusive--only sometimes physically, always verbally. He says he wants to stop, but he can't--I know he can't. But neither can I live in what I describe as a nightmare from which I can't wake up. Soon it will be a nightmare from which our three children (second were twins, they are 1) cannot wake up.

But I don't want to leave him. I do when he's drunk (frankly I want to kill him, and I picture killing him, whereas when he's sober I love him so much I could just eat him up). But in general I'd rather not tear apart the lives of my kids and myself--and take things he loves away from him. The kids are otherwise happy, and we have a great au pair who is like a second daughter to us and everyone is happy together (other than the drunk husband/father). Our daughter is supposed to go to the wonderful school down the street in the fall for kindergarten, and she is happy where she is. Why do I have to uproot everyone, and throw everything away just because HE WON'T GO TO ******* AA?????

Today I was in such a fog from last night's usual wasted scene that I smashed my car into a pole (****!). I know that he would just die if he lost me, I know I am everything to him (he has few friends, and his parents are far away and they completely suck), and he ADORES his children, so much so that I really think he likes all three equally (was not the case in my house growing up, and I've never seen someone love all three with all his heart). I know he wants to be successful at work, too, but the minute the littlest thing goes wrong, he drinks himself into an oblivion.

Everything could be okay--IF HE WOULD JUST GO TO AN OUTPATIENT CLINIC. Or even just go to a shrink more than the one time he went to get the anti-seizure medication.

I know everyone says that it has to come from him, blah blah blah, but if we wait for him we will all be in shambles by then. Why won't he go? I cry all the time, every day, for 7 years. When the twins were born I sent him to another apartment because after our first child was born, he would get drunk and run around the room with her in his arms, weeks old. He doesn't even remember it. Every baby nurse quit, saying that they were scared of him--yelling, throwing things, shoving me into doors. He breaks things and in the morning asks who broke it. I feel like a prisoner in his life, but when he's sober I feel happy, I think he's dreamy, I love watching him read to the kids. Why can't he stop? Why won't he even begin to get help? Doesn't he love us? I don't understand it. His brain must be half the size of a normal human's brain. He forgets so many things, I wonder how he functions. I bought him so many books, and vitamins, and sent him to a doctor (the third doctor name I tried), and gave him lists of AA meetings, and tried a detox center -- he refuses everything, and the books lay on the floor covered in dust.

I don't know where to start. Nothing I do is working.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I am sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you found us. I hope you will continue to read the pages, vent when needed and share as fast as you can type!

Have you tried attending Alanon meetings for yourself? The meetings helped me find 60 minutes of calm so I could breath and give my mind the peace it needed.

I won't bore you with the usual blah, blah, blah. But I do want to ask you what is it you are getting from this relationship?

If you want to learn more about some things that helped me while living with active alcoholism, here is a link to steps that helped me:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

that is a link from one of the permanent posts at the top of this main forum page. Some of our stories are also in those links.

Inter

Hi Alphaville, sorry for your troubles, sounds like hell. My main thought when reading your post is that the kids are in physical danger. If it were me, my obligation to my kids would supersede everything else even my own wants and needs. Only you know how likely or unlikely it is that one of the kids will eventual end up hurt, but I suspect it's something you wouldn't want to take a risk on.

If he loves them as much as he appears to, being separated from them might even be the 'rock bottom' he needs to realise the full extent of his destructive behaviour. Good luck xxx

dandylion

Dear alphaville, your are being abused and your children are living in an abusive home.

You asked where to start---(1)begin attending alanon meetings immediately. You will get support and be able to start to sort your self out, there.(2) Go onto the internet and google domestic abuse and read about what constitutes abuse (3) talk to a counselor at your closest domestic violence center and tell her just what you have told us--you will get excellent confidential advice there.

Please do the above steps and continue to post us to ventilate and get support for taking care of yourself and your children.

sincerely, dandylion

Seren

Hello alphaville, Welcome to SR!

I'm so very glad you found us, but oh so sorry for the reasons why.

I think, sometimes, when we are in the middle of a tough situation, it's hard to really grasp the reality of it. There's an old saying that if you put a frog into a pot of water and slowly turn the heat up to a boil, the frog will not realize anything is wrong and not try to escape.

I'm so very sorry that you are being abused by your husband and that your precious babies are there, too. You do not deserve to be abused--no one does!

I hope and pray that you will take a moment and read the information in this thread. There is a lot a useful information about abuse, numbers to the national Domestic Violence hotlines, how to make a plan, and so on. I really encourage you to take some time to read through it.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

Make yourself at home here! Keep reaching out...we really do understand.

CompletelyLost4

Dear Alphaville,

Welcome to SR, and soooo sorry for what you are going through.

I have been married to my AH for 13 years, and made the decision to move him out a month ago. We have 4 boys, ages 12 to 3 and let me give you a little advice. . .don't wait until they are older to do something. My two oldest have completely lost all trust in their father, and the affects of years of verbal abuse has taken its toll on my sweet, innocent children. My oldest had so much anxiety from AH when he was living with us he wasn't sleeping at night. He has slept like a baby for the past month, and teachers who were worried about him acting depressed have called to say he's a different child.

Anytime I begin to question why I did this, I think of THAT, and it's all the reassurance I need.

One more thing. . .your husband is physically abusive, and your oldest is going to start school. By placing your child in a threatening environment, if a school official were to see signs of that DCFS could step in. I only say this because I am a teacher, and have seen it countless times. I also say this as a mother who was worried her own children could be taken away because of potentially dangerous situations while in their father's care - so I am in no way judging. . .just another thing to weigh/consider. When it comes to the well-being of yourself and your children, sometimes the hardest decision is the right decision.

Take care of yourself, seek help from Al-anon and the information on these boards, and take care of your precious children. We are all here to help!

JoAnn

Crazed

I am sorry you are here.

What about you? I would reverse this statement into "I would die if I cried for 7 years and lived with my children in an abusive home with an active alcoholic."

Sometimes losing everything is the ONLY thing that will trigger an alcoholic to seek help.

HopefulmomtoD

Reading between the lines (you mention an au pair and a baby nurse), it doesn't sound like money is an issue for you as much as it is for others in your situation. Is money keeping you there, are you afraid to lose it? What is keeping you in this situation? You describe emotional and physical abuse.

I can not imagine keeping my children in a situation like that for one more second.

Get to Alanon and start planning a healthy life for you and your kids.

Florence

This is what I thought too. Today my AH is in his fifth inpatient clinic, and it still doesn't look good.

What we eventually learn is how to deal with things as they ARE, and not as we WANT them to be, and not grading our spouses on their potential. As I see it, your husband as you describe him is an abusive alcoholic that is putting you, your children, and your financial security in danger to maintain his drinking. That's wildly selfish and kind of monstrous to me.

You spend a lot of energy in your post worrying about what you will take away from him if you leave. What if you rewrote your post to talk about what his drinking and his resulting behavior is taking away from you and your children? It would look very different.

Welcome, hang out and glean the wisdom on these forums. There are some very wise and gracious people here and you will get some answers and direction if you participate. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

AnvilheadII

Nothing I do is working.

o because your focus is in the wrong place. you can't MAKE him stop or make him WANT to stop. he's abusive and violent and displays all that in front of his own children. even the hired help runs out the door. this isn't love. this isn't healthy. please try to see this all from the eyes of your dear children....they don't deserve ANY of this. to see a raging out of control drunk hitting their mother, smashing her into walls. it's time to get out of the way. the moment he laid hands upon you the FIRST time was your cue to get away.

you can't control this.
you can't cure this.
you most certainly did not cause this.

SadieJack

Do not stay with him for the kid's sake. You have to get you and the kids away from this man. You and your children are suffering.

I am 55 years old now, but I grew up with an alcoholic father who sounds just like your husband. My mother stayed with him "for the kids' sake" and as a consequence all four of us adult children are psychologically damaged. I still suffer from anxiety, depression and self-esteem issues all these years later. My dad died in a hotel room with a hooker when I was 7 years old. The damage had already been done.

Yes! Your kids absolutely know. And it is probably very confusing for them to see their father falling down drunk, violent etc. and then loving and adoring the next time. Again, this is ABUSE!

My father could be the most charming guy on earth and turn on a dime and beat the crap out of mom (and us kids).

Think about what the kids have seen? Their father undressed and passed out. Not nice.


So you admit that this is a nightmare for you and your kids. You must extricate yourself from it somehow. Everyday the kids will suffer (you too)

Please seek help for you and the kids. Someone else said that child protective services may intervene. You don't want that to happen. Your priority should be the kids. Good luck!

BlueSkies1

What is addiction?

Think of LOTR, and the ring, the precious. Alcohol is his precious. He is NOT going to give it up willingly, unless his life is destroyed to some extent. He isn't suddenly going to come to his senses, because he has the PRECIOUS.

So why won't he just go to a counselor, or outpatient? Because he doesn't WANT TO.
Remember in LOTR how the precious was an addiction of want? How the ring made the bearer possessive and a mere shell of themselves? That's what your husband is, in possession of the ring, and it is desire for alcohol.

That's how alcohol addiction works. You are not the precious, neither are your kids. Alcohol is.
He has to willingly give up the ring. And until the consequences of drinking are more painful than feeding the addiction of drinking, he isn't going to quit.

You can try reasoning. You can say--you are dangerous to your family. You can try discussion after discussion. Unless he really listens, it won't change his behavior. There's another problem right there--the listening part--because alcoholism creates denial.
So give it your best shot. Sit him down before he gets into it heavy, (never while intoxicated) and have the discussion, over, and over, and over again. Point out every dangerous thing he has done. Tell him that there are horrific moments he will never remember.
At some point though, if he can't listen because of the denial, the ball is back in your court, and you have to decide what you are willing to put up with. Because that's what happens with the partners of addiction--they have to decide how low they will go.
There's no nice answer here. You can continue on as your are, same madness day after day, or you can do something about it yourself. At the end of the day, it will never be your decision if he drinks. It's his decision. Now you have some tough decisions to make yourself, or live as it is. At some point, if he won't listen, then you have to accept that you can't have it all--the man you adore and the lifestyle you currently like. You too are going to have to give something up. If he won't change, you can't have the man you adore without having the drunk too. And that is what I think you are avoiding and don't want to accept. You want to keep some things as they are, and change others. It isn't going to work that way unless he has an epiphany.

atalose

Sounds like you are already there.

What a horrible and scary place you and your children are living in. I am sorry you are finding yourself where the only solution is “for him to stop drinking” because there are so many other options for you and your children.

He doesn’t appear to WANT to stop any time soon.

The other vibe I get from your post is the “magical – fantasy of the wonderful husband and father” who you could just eat him up, you think he’s dreamy, at times reads to the children and loves them all equally.

BUT the reality is when he drinks (which if often) he:

Falls down the stairs
Breaks things
He squeezes and scares the children
He becomes physically and verbally abusive
Other people are afraid of him (baby nurses)
He’s taken off his clothes for bed while you had guests in your home
You can’t invite anyone into your home anymore
Your circle of friends and support have become very small if any

You also made a reference to the fact that he loves all 3 of his children equally, something that was not the case in your home growing up. Are you viewing all of these things he does while under the influence as NOT as bad as you had it growing up?

wanttobehealthy

When exactly is it that he is sober?

That sounds like he is endangering your children and if you are aware of this (and I know this from being told it by Child Protective Services myself) and allow it to continue by staying with him YOU are equally responsible for harm to the kids and could lose them too.

Alcohol doesnt make someone be abusive. Being an abuser makes someone abusive and he CAN stop actually. Does he treat everyone the way he treats you? My guess is no. Does he do this only to you in the privacy of your home? My guess is yes. THAT is him showing he is in complete control of his abuse and when he chooses to dole it out.

It sound like it is already scary to you and your kids and you can get out of the nightmare by making him leave.

It doesn't sound to me that the kids are getting a whole lot out of him being in your home. Are you sure you aren't worried more about your AH being angry at you if you leave or take your kids from him? The sentence above sounds like you are most of all concerned with his feelings. I was there for a long time too. My feelings did not matter at all, and if I am to be honest, I was in denial about my kids feelings and needs-- I put their dads feelings (that I told myself were love for me and his kids which was not the case) and my desire to have the image of a happy family before my kids need and right for a safe peaceful home.

It makes NO difference if he is a saint when sober (which it sounds like he rarely is if he drinks daily). If he is awful at all then it is hurting your kids.

My oldest is 7 and my youngest 5 and they are both damaged bc of MY choice to stay with their father who is an alcholic and an abuser as yours is (the verbal and physical violence yours directs at you IS abuse-- it's not alcoholism).

I wish I had listened and been able to hear all the people here who said what I am saying to you now. Instead I got upset, defensive, angry, defended my decisions, my AH, and him. I believed he loved his kids and wanted to change and that I knew him best and he was "different" than the rest.

I am sad reading your post because it sounds so much like me of a few years ago and I wish I had made the choice to follow my own advice here back then because I am afraid that there is permanent damage to my daughters that I can't ever repair.

Please, even if he is mad, even if you think you are wrong, please remove your kids from that situation. His behaviors are not that of a loving man or father. You admit he scares your kids. That is not normal and is not how loving parents behave.

I really think you are wanting to and probably do believe all of the above, but it sounds from the rest of what you write that he actually DOES NOT think you or your kids are everything to him, nor does it sound like he wants to be healthy and successful. He wants to drink and act how he acts and wants to have what he wants without making any changes or treating anyone with decency. But I said all the same things you wrote too-- I "knew" that my AH was a good man and needed to be understood and encouraged and that with love from me would be the family man I knew he was. All that "knowing"" was really my HOPING for him to be someone different than he was.

ACTIONS show who a person is. Your AH's actions show that he is none of the good things you describe. Maybe he has the ability to change but for as long as he gets what he wants (a family to put up with him being nasty and drunk) he has no reason to behave decently and likely wont.

I thought that too. My AH went to rehab twice and got worse. Nothing will make him well until he wants to be well. And when he wants to be well and get help his ACTIONS, not his words, will tell you that.


You are right. It sounds like you are already in shambles. It is unfair that you don't get to have the life with him that you want. You are right. But staying with him and being upset is not going to make you have the happy life you want. What you have is an alcoholic who abuses you and your kids and you have the choice to live with that or have him leave and give your kids a peaceful home.

deeker

As a parent you have an obligation to protect those children.To stay with him because he is dreamy is selfish in light of the price your children are going to pay emotionally and maybe even physically.

Like someone said here all it is gonna take is for your kindy gartner to say at school Daddy pushed Mommy into the wall or Daddy dropped my sister for DCFS to come and take your children away period. You are just as guilty of neglect if you keep your kids in this dangerous situation. Do the right thing and maybe he will hit bottom once you leave and get the help he needs. He won't if you keep accepting it as normal behavior and there are no consequences to his behavior.

deeker

[QUOTE=deeker;3946905]As a parent you have an obligation to protect those children.To stay with him because he is dreamy is selfish in light of the price your children are going to pay emotionally and maybe even physically.

Like someone said here all it is gonna take is for your kindy gartner to say at school Daddy pushed Mommy into the wall or Daddy dropped my sister for DCFS to come and take your children away period. You are just as guilty of neglect if you keep your kids in this dangerous situation. Do the right thing and maybe he will hit bottom once you leave and get the help he needs. He won't if you keep accepting it as normal behavior and there are no consequences to his behavior.

PS you don't want to be telling your children to keep secrets either, that is to much for a little kid. Then they feel at fault. Get um out of there.

Harden1313

Something that is true for every alcoholic is that no one will sober up unless they hit their bottom. That bottom is different for every person. Perhaps the best thing you can do for him is to leave him. Let him hit complete bottom. Until he hits that he won't stop and things won't get better. If you leave him and time goes by and he can stay sober, great. If time goes by and he doesn't then you saved yourself more pain. All of this should be done with a solid counselor and friends in your corner.

Tamerua

I am so sorry for your situation. I'm here for alcoholism, but I am also a child of an abusive alcoholic and I can say with 100% certainty, at least in my case, it is better to break up the family if he doesn't want to get better. The abuse, the hatred, the chaos...

I hope you find the help you need and seek.