welshwolf

hi all,
not sure what im looking for all i now is im exhausted from being married to an alcoholic with mental health issues and an addiction to internet/phone/text sex
,her drinking has been going on for at least 10 years but i hadnt realised as she drank before i got home from work and i just got a hard time which i never understood.the rest has come on over the last 3 years ,last thurs she left to book into a hotel and drink herself stupid ,fri she had the police and mental health team out to her after trying to use the breakfast knifes to slash her wrists ,sat she got carted off to hospital after a manic episode following her drinking and lack of sleep due to her phoning and txt her latest tosser so instead of watching my teammates play i got called to come to her side which i did and had to listen to her apologies and how she wanted to come home with me,she stayed in overnight and i collected her sun afternoon.she said i wasnt allowed to ask her anything about what had happened and i didnt but today i asked when she had last phoned the tosser and she said sat ,i asked about using the landline and she had a fit and said she had called him today but i got it in the neck for asking and bringing it all back up.

Dee74

Hi WelshWolf

I moved your thread here - I know you'll find support and advice here

It doesn't sound like you are very happy - I'm curious as to why you're staying in the relationship?

D

SolTraveler

Welshwolf - I am so sorry. You have really been through a lot.

I too wonder why you are sticking around - not to criticize - but if she is actively cheating, drinking, and having mental health breakdowns, what are you getting out of this?

Again, no criticism meant. I know everyone wonders why I am with my ABF as well.

welshwolf

well i suppose i remember the good times and i take my marriage vows seriously alongside i dont feel able just to abandon her.her parents live 1 street away but cant cope with seeing her .

bit mute really we have decided to split now which is for the best really hopefully we can remain pleasant until the morgage is finished in 18 months and then we can go our seperate ways .

Seren

Hello welshwolf, Welcome to SR!

Glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons why.

I'm sorry that your marriage has come to this. Certainly infidelity was a deal breaker in my first marriage.

If you plan on continuing to live with her until the mortgage is paid, you will need some pretty clear boundaries in place. Boundaries are things that protect you and your peace of mind.

When you have some time, you may find it helpful to read through some of these 'Classic Reading' posts. Lots of collective wisdom and experience being shared by our members over the years!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

Stick around, make yourself at home. We understand!

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR, welshwolf.

So sorry for your situation, but glad you found us here.

I'm with Hydrogirl above - continuing to live together while ending the relationship proves very difficult for most. It's one of those "in theory" situations that in reality can be quite taxing. I'd talk with your mortgage holder and see what kind of arrangements you can make.

And although I understand the importance of marital vows, addictions supersede any promises we make to love and support each other. Because life becomes all about her, and not at all about you (as I am sure you are witnessing firsthand right now).

Lastly, my Mom is bi-polar...the manic episodes are brutal on our family. It's a long, bumpy road into recovery and stabilizing on a medication to manage the mental illness. You'd be well served going on with your own life and letting her figure hers out herself. No point in going down the rabbit hole right along with her.

Keep posting and keep coming back!
~T

welshwolf

thanx all,yep what do i get out of it no idea its just difficult seeing someone you love and have been with for over 20 years being so sick and going into self-destruct so i suppose i am just the safety net who gets the abuse . must admit it is getting easier to just nod the head and not bother trying to have a discussion.

theuncertainty

Welcome, Welshwolf.

I can understand that. It's one of the things kept me with AXH for a very long time. He broke our wedding vows in so many different ways and I was the only one actively trying to fix them...again and again. It was an incredibly draining process. Still, it took a while for me to accept that that's the way it was always going to be if I stayed.

welshwolf

hi all,
thanx all for the support and advice it is gratefully recieved ,been reading the links and have altered my responses accordingly which has diffused things to an extent ,gradually thinking the alcohol dependence is more closely related to her mental health state as is the sex txt etc .she is being treated for depression for the last couple of months and she has gone down hill fairly rapidly but getting her proper treatment/diagnosis is a complete nightmare .beginning to suspect she is bi-polar and must admit getting rather pissed off with not knowing where and how to get appropriate help for her and rather not internet diagnose her .she is staying with her brother for a couple of days so we both can get some space which is nice as today the police called to ask if i could come home as she had posted self harm suggestions on facebook and our daughter who lives 2 hours away had called the police.Also think their should be an article in the human rights act to terminate with prejudice vermin predators ,personally dont get what they get out of it but then if i did i would be as bad as them and frankly i am quite happy not understanding but would love to meet them on the rugby pitch .


not down a rabbit hole yet ;-)

wicked

Wow, welshwolf.
I think we are on the same page here!
terminate with extreme prejudice! predators, taking advantage of the young and mentally disturbed.
Well, I can't play rugby, but I had training in the Army!

Good on you for taking care of yourself and let professionals handle your wife. I hope she finds a way to live peacefully, and that you can too.

Beth

theuncertainty

Little sidetrack here, but: Rugby!!! I love it, though my track record with rugby players is dismal (AXH). One thing I really miss from the early days of dating AXH: going to the games when we lived in the Lower 48.

Yep, the rugby pitch would be a great place to work out a few things.

I'm sorry that she put your daughter through that worry and stress. She (daughter) must have felt so helpless seeing the Facebook posts.

welshwolf

cheers wicked ,yep knew i had missed out something and extreme was the word and had a bit of training myself loved pistol shooting but over here we arent allowed to own any in civilian life.
and theuncertainty no reason you cant go watch some rugger ,hope you get to see some of the forthcoming lions tour of the australias.

theuncertainty

Ah, I wish. I'm currently in Alaska and up here, it seems to pretty much be toss the ball a bit and drink a lot.... Well, that could've just been AXH and his friends. I'll have to check it out again. Will be looking for highlights online though for sure! A lot more fun to be at the games!

welshwolf

well if you get across the pond i will take you to a proper match the ospreys against anybody .Sadly i havent played this season as i destroyed my shoulder at the end of last season and it has taken till now to be able to do a push up but working on getting back out onto the field nxt season as i need to smash someone in the nicest possible way.

booking onto a mental health first aid course in the nxt couple of weeks so that should be good .work is very supportive and may even pay for the course and it is nice being home in peace and quiet and just watching falling skies by myself .even funnier had a skype call from one of the predators as he didnt know who i was and i couldnt stop laughing at him so he hung up lol

welshwolf

well finally called time on it ,thanx for all the kind words ,time to dust myself down and move on .

Tuffgirl

So sorry, welshwolf. But completely understand.

For what its worth, it does get better!

Peace,
~T

welshwolf

thanx though dont feel very tough just want to burst .god this has been hard ,final ticket seeing her hug her internet boyfriend when she handed over a iphone she got for him funniest was the fuckwit trying to say he didnt know her almost shat his pants must admit i was close to giving him a glasgow kiss but took the higher road.the ****** legged it and all she was concerned about was him ,doesnt seem concerend she has taken out a 2 year contract on a phone for some one she had never met and he wasnt really bothered about her .lawyers tomorow and then buy her out of the house so youngest has somewhere to live when he gets back from uni.then she informs me she has picked up some frenchie and he has suggested some friends ,reckon if anybody wrote a book nobody would believe it.

wicked

Being it is from Glasgow, I am assume it is a bit harsh.
My mother's parents came over to work in the Pennsylvania mines from Wales.
One of the wishes on my bucket list is to visit Ireland and Wales.
Sadly, I am almost sure the entire family (both sides) had alcohol and mental health issues.

It sure looks fantastically beautiful in Wales.

I think if you wrote a book, nearly everyone on this forum would believe it.
Sorry she is so ill that she cannot see it to get better.
Take care of yourself welshwolf, your children need their father.

(oh yeah, and try not to kill yourself on the rugby field! )

Beth

In Michigan, saving for my visit.

LeSigh

A Glasgow kiss is a headbutt! X

Recovering2

Welshwolf, sorry for all you've been through. It is exhausting trying to keep up our end of the relationship with an addict, isn't it? It's possible to spend so much time thinking about how to help them, that we forget to help ourselves. We get lost in the mix.

Takes awhile to realize we can't help them. We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it. We don't have that kind of power, only her Higher Power can help her. We need to learn to get out of the way, and focus on our own health/sanity. You mention being the safety net....need to get rid of that net if they're ever going to experience the full consequences of their actions.

I'm glad it sounds like you've decided to set boundaries and move forward. I would suggest reading "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's an awesome book that really helps us see how enmeshed we unwittingly become over time.....and how to break free.

Keep posting .... there is a lot of support out here for you.