dandylion

Dear A127, I don't want to be a buzzkill, here, but I am not so convinced that he is so sorry for his lack of warmth---as he is reminding how the other women were so enthralled with him--and still miss him. ??manipulation?? of your guilt feelings?

Maybe, this is just me.

sincerely, dandylion

Al27

It came up more along the lines of him telling me why I should move on... Not because they were still so enthralled with him. He was trying to convince me of what a rotten person he is to be in a relationship with, like, it's not just you~ move on cause I suck and I'm sorry~Kinda talk.

Al27

And part of that makes me mad and feel like what the heck! so what, people can't change?? You can't try even a tiny bit?? You can apologize for being a cold husband but if you don't even try to show even a tiny bit of emotion what the hell good is an apology?? And thanks for trying to make me feel like it's not my fault.. But it still doesn't change anything. Sorry, mini rant.

Al27

Oh and PS he's never told me how much in love his ex's were with him.. He's never ever bragged like that, I found out because I ran into one at a wedding and she started bawling when she met me, it was all very awkward. And then his cousin filled me in on the rest. And his family. and friends. All news to me. He was apparently a bit of a womanizer until he met me, innocent and sweet and the answer to his prayers apparently... Fast forward 10 years.... No longer innocent and sweet, now bitter and attention starved. Sometimes. It's not always like that, I'm just talking about the worst here so try to take with a grain of salt please. Sorry.

dandylion

Actually, A127, I think you just hit it on the head!! You know---words are one thing--but.
WHERE IS THE ACTION??

In the final analysis, don't our actions tell what we are really about.

dandylion

p.s. this refers to your post of 11:12 pm

Al27

Pretty much!

dandylion

Also, A127, this is what happens when living with active alcoholism/addiction. After a while, we turn into a person that we can barely recognize anymore--and confused--like, maybe, we are the CRAZY ones!!!!

dandylion

Al27

I said in al anon I just want to find my identity again... Lol~ it was kind of the wrong topic that day though, as they were working on the step regarding not promoting al anon all over the place~ I think it was called "not always having an opinion" idk I'm new~ either way, maybe not the right topic but I still went!

Al27

Is it weird that I feel guilty for even posting such intimate thoughts here? Even though its anonymous, like if he found out what i said he would feel betrayed or hurt...

dandylion

Good move. Keep going; keep reading and learning. You will work your way through this.

Just hang on to your faith--and take it one day at a time.

WARNING--Be careful of sappy "love songs"!

dandylion

Al27

Lol~ thanks

jmartin

Al27 - I have read this book, in fact I just finished it recently. I stumbled across a reference to it in one of the stickies. As I read your first post, I thought of it immediately, because the book eerily describes exactly what it sounds like you both are going through.

So the good news is that feeling this way you describe, and the experience you are having is apparently completely normal, it has been shared by many couples who go through this process. For that reason alone, I think it is well worth reading, if only to calm your anxiety about feeling the way you do, and to know it is possible to get through it.

I bought it because my AW is in treatment as I write this, and I fully expect that our next chapter will not be an easy one, and your experience seems to confirm that!

I found the book used on Amazon, but I think it should be available through your local Alanon group as well. (Funniest thing, I ordered from a used seller on Amazon, shipped to me from across the country, and on its arrival, I open the book, and in the fly leaf is the stamp of an Alanon group from my town).

CeciliaV

I hear you. Sometimes, I feel a bit weird pouring my heart out for the world to see, but I NEED IT! There's help and support out there for the A's, and we need help and support, too. There's nothing quite like sharing your thoughts, fears, anxieties, etc. with a group of people that have been there & can understand and offer support and advice and encouragement. That's what we're here for!

dancingnow

Al27 just wanted you to know that my RAH went through a period where he was telling me I should move on and he was rotten and all. I just couldn't accept that and continued to push for our relationship. That was when he was very early recovery and it was difficult for him so easiest was to not have a relationship with me.

Well I stuck it out and waited and picked up again with our relationship. Even though it got better after almost a year sober I still feel like we are like two roommates that get along as long as nothing major enters the picture and what I mean by major is trying to have more connection and intimacy. A lot has changed as I take better care of myself which means RAH has to fend for himself more. It seems all his energy is taken up by taking care of his basic needs and working and nothing left to relate to me, although he claims that is changing and I see it a little.

So it is what it is and if you are not happy now I wouldn't expect much will change to make you happy in the future. Focus on yourself and make your life what you want it to be.

FYI - I am married over 25 years and spent the last 6 years getting myself back. JMO from this perspective, yes some actions can be attributed to early recovery but in the long run it takes a long time to recover and sometimes the true person is not the one we thought we knew so expecting something different is insanity. Sorry for rambling.

Take care of yourself and your kids.

Florence

My marriage ultimately failed (lots of reasons), but this sounds very familiar. My AH was able to sober up for long periods of time between relapses, and those sober times were always very cold and lonely. Almost lonelier than when he was drinking because they were so loaded with hopes and expectations on my part. For the last couple of years, we lived like roommates -- roommates that annoyed the **** out of each other and sometimes slept in the same bed. That was the worst. Laying in bed next to him at night, feeling lonelier than anything.

People say the first few years are really difficult. They're relearning how to live in the world and reckoning with a lot of their bad behavior and crappy choices. Can you imagine sitting in that kind of discomfort without relief indefinitely?

Ultimately I was so tired of feeling alone in my marriage, feeling the consequences of his bad decisions, and managing everything (don't know if this is the case for you), that I called it. I didn't get married to be miserable, and there are no awards for martyrdom (my mom seems to think so). I got married to have a partner -- I didn't mean to sign up to be a grown man's caretaker or mother. My AH is a good person deep down in there but he has so many problems -- problems that are incompatible with marriage and raising children.

Hang out here on the boards, get to Al-Anon if you can, and stop feeling guilty about carving out a space for yourself for support and commiseration. You deserve this! You do NOT deserve to suffer despair and loneliness in silence. And welcome.

fairlyuncertain

It's awfully noble of your husband to offer to set you free...then he gets to feel like a victim, a rescuer, a hero...without doing a single f_ing bit of work to fix what he's done. It's a classic bit alcoholic thinking.

I cried a lot, too, at that stage. I was grieving what I couldn't get back, feeling very angry w/the A, feeling used, abandoned, afraid of the future and annoyed.
This is the best advice I got:
If you move through your life asking what you need, to feel fulfilled, at ease, peaceful and happy....then take action on your own behalf to get to that space, you'll do just fine. (notice, catering to the a's fragile emotions wasn't mentioned)

If you don't know the answer to the question of your marriage, maybe it just is'nt time to decide, yet. Al anon is so great. Everyone in there makes different choices, and we all somehow end up supporting each other.

jmartin

Wow. Just wow. That is all I can say, this COMPLETELY sums up how I have been feeling, for longer than I care to remember.

NYCDoglvr

It sounds like the marriage has has been over for some time .... are you looking for our permission to leave? Well, you have mine. I've been sober two decades and yes, early sobriety (first four months) is awful, hard to endure. You can't get someone to be the person you want them to be and while people do change over time when working hard on the Steps, the changes may not be the ones you're looking for. It sounds like it's too late for you. I'm sorry.

You deserve a wonderful,happy life but I don't think it's in your marriage. What we learn in Alanon to accept the the things we can't change (other people) and change the things we can. It is impossible to live with someone who doesn't respect you!