Surviving a sober marriage...
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Surviving a sober marriage...
To start off with I will say that I love my husband... I am in love with him as well as love him deeply as a person and partner. But the truth is I am beginning to think that our marriage may not survive sobriety. Don't get me wrong, it wouldn't survive active alcoholism either! The kids and I would be unable to stick around for one more relapse, it's gone too far in that respect. I'm so so very happy that he's getting healthy.. I'm so glad I don't have to worry about him killing himself in a bottle. It's like the light has returned to his eyes in one way, he's motivated professionally and energetic and does not seem too depressed anymore. But It feels like, this time, our marriage has turned to ashes in the wake. This has been the most difficult sobering up period yet, relationship wise! I can't tell if that is actually good, that it means it is permanent this time or that it's just happened so many times that we're simply exhausted now. So much hurt from the abuse and the ravages from years of the disease at its peak.. And now the emptiness after the storm. Sometimes it feels like there is nothing left but sadness and blind hope, hope just hoping for improvement. I feel guilty because I cry a lot in private (like how selfish am I!!) and he's emotionless (except for anger, he has that emotion nailed). I posted recently (my first post) just curious about libido in early sobriety, please don't judge me based on that question as it was literally just one trivial issue. This is much much deeper... I am living with a ghost. One who nearly always has something negative to say, a criticism. Never a smile, rarely a kind word, never a passing touch. I have loved this man with all of my heart for most of my life and I would bleed to make him happy but I honestly don't believe he wants to be married anymore. I feel so pathetic. Last night he said that although he loves me (and is not going anywhere) he never should have gotten married, that he's not good at it, and that I seem so unhappy and I should leave him to find someone else, someone more "gooey" because it's just not in his nature. He compared my tears to those of women in his past for the same reason (was he always cold? Really this cold? I really don't know this person) He also says he is just so sorry for ruining me. (Ruining me? Last time I checked I chose to stay, I don't view myself as a victim here!) I don't know if these are his rational, sober realizations or just a step to get past on the road to recovery. Why would he say he wants *me* to leave so *I* can be happy, Aren't those the classic words of someone who is just projecting what they really want? Or is it possible that he has so much guilt and regret that it really is too hard to look at me anymore.
....he's also expressed that he always thought our marriage was great most of the time in the past, that we had so much fun together, but that I'm making him feel like it wasn't, like I think it was all crap. I believe that is a truthful statement, the earnest surprise of someone who was self-medicating the majority of an 11 year marriage. (It wasn't all crap btw, it is simply heavily seasoned with bloody scars the way only someone who's lived like this can understand)
I would absolutely love to hear some encouraging words right about now.. Or just truthful if not encouraging. Thanks all <3
....he's also expressed that he always thought our marriage was great most of the time in the past, that we had so much fun together, but that I'm making him feel like it wasn't, like I think it was all crap. I believe that is a truthful statement, the earnest surprise of someone who was self-medicating the majority of an 11 year marriage. (It wasn't all crap btw, it is simply heavily seasoned with bloody scars the way only someone who's lived like this can understand)
I would absolutely love to hear some encouraging words right about now.. Or just truthful if not encouraging. Thanks all <3
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Hi there, Al27. I'm sorry you are hurting, but I'm glad you came here to talk about it.
How long has your husband been in recovery? Have you discussed the possibility of seeing marriage counselor together?
How long has your husband been in recovery? Have you discussed the possibility of seeing marriage counselor together?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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It's only been a few months. Barely a moment in time! I know he's not going to be really healthy for at least a year.
It's just worse this time, really worse!! I've been with him through quite a few bouts of lengthy sobriety and of obviously relapse through the years, but this one is different and it is evident even this early... It's like something died.
He refuses marriage counseling, says it would just be the beginning of the end.
It's just worse this time, really worse!! I've been with him through quite a few bouts of lengthy sobriety and of obviously relapse through the years, but this one is different and it is evident even this early... It's like something died.
He refuses marriage counseling, says it would just be the beginning of the end.
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PS: thank you all *in advance* for you replies and for caring. I've been lurking on the board for a very very long time, I just now got up the nerve to post. If you don't see many replies from me on other threads, it's just because I don't feel quite qualified to give my two cents yet, I just started al anon last month and I am probably the worst person to ask for any opinions at this point lol!
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Calling marriage counseling "the beginning of the end" is obviously not-encouraging, and I'm sorry about that. What is it that you want? I know you expressed a lot fears of relapse, etc., but let's say for a minute that your future is not in his hands at all. What do you want then?
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I've been married for 20 years. RAH is in his 4th year of recovery.
The first year after he quit (finally, after many failed attempts) was in many ways harder for me than when he was drinking. When he was drinking I knew why he was the way he was and I always knew what to expect. That's not to say it wasn't chaotic and negative, but it was a known entity. I could deal with that.
Then he quit. For me, I stepped way back and took the usual wait and see approach because I figured it would be a few weeks or a few months and he would ease back into the drinking. Then he didn't. He became depressed and clingy because he had so much going on in his mind. He was flat.
He starting seeing a psychiatrist and went on a tiny dose of an antidepressant. It helped with the clingyness I guess, but then he started to get emotional because for the first time in his adult life he was feeling life without the alcohol buffer. He didn't know how to process it. He was angry at himself for what he had done with himself and to our family. He projected a lot of it onto me.
I was paranoid every day that it was going to be the day he fell off the wagon. I kept him at arm's length because I didn't want to get my hopes up and have them crushed yet again. When he threw his anger at me, I tossed mine right back at him. It was a year of turmoil. It's safe to say that we got everything out into the open.
Everyone says that it takes a year for the recovering A to regain his equilibrium, and it really was about that for him. Little by little he started letting go and when he did, I did. AA was and is essential to his life (in previous attempts he didn't want AA because of the religious aspects of it) and while still working with his therapist he was weaned off the medication. It really helped.
Our relationship isn't perfect, but I think we've healed and have definitely become much closer over the past few years. Our son went to college this year and for the first time we were on our own. I was worried that once our little focus was out of the house we would fall apart, but the opposite happened.
His recovery is reallly the center of his life. At first it colored everything, but now it's just a natural part of his world. We don't discuss it much anymore, but he goes to his meetings and works the program.
Oh - libido? There was none for at least the first 6 months. It took a long time for that to recover.
My advice to you is to take a big step back and accept that early recovery is hard for everyone. Don't expect big happy changes right now except for the ones you make for yourself. And it is really important to make your own happiness because he can't do it for you any more than you can stop drinking for him. I found that when I stopped interjecting myself into his issues, he started reaching out for me more.
The first year after he quit (finally, after many failed attempts) was in many ways harder for me than when he was drinking. When he was drinking I knew why he was the way he was and I always knew what to expect. That's not to say it wasn't chaotic and negative, but it was a known entity. I could deal with that.
Then he quit. For me, I stepped way back and took the usual wait and see approach because I figured it would be a few weeks or a few months and he would ease back into the drinking. Then he didn't. He became depressed and clingy because he had so much going on in his mind. He was flat.
He starting seeing a psychiatrist and went on a tiny dose of an antidepressant. It helped with the clingyness I guess, but then he started to get emotional because for the first time in his adult life he was feeling life without the alcohol buffer. He didn't know how to process it. He was angry at himself for what he had done with himself and to our family. He projected a lot of it onto me.
I was paranoid every day that it was going to be the day he fell off the wagon. I kept him at arm's length because I didn't want to get my hopes up and have them crushed yet again. When he threw his anger at me, I tossed mine right back at him. It was a year of turmoil. It's safe to say that we got everything out into the open.
Everyone says that it takes a year for the recovering A to regain his equilibrium, and it really was about that for him. Little by little he started letting go and when he did, I did. AA was and is essential to his life (in previous attempts he didn't want AA because of the religious aspects of it) and while still working with his therapist he was weaned off the medication. It really helped.
Our relationship isn't perfect, but I think we've healed and have definitely become much closer over the past few years. Our son went to college this year and for the first time we were on our own. I was worried that once our little focus was out of the house we would fall apart, but the opposite happened.
His recovery is reallly the center of his life. At first it colored everything, but now it's just a natural part of his world. We don't discuss it much anymore, but he goes to his meetings and works the program.
Oh - libido? There was none for at least the first 6 months. It took a long time for that to recover.
My advice to you is to take a big step back and accept that early recovery is hard for everyone. Don't expect big happy changes right now except for the ones you make for yourself. And it is really important to make your own happiness because he can't do it for you any more than you can stop drinking for him. I found that when I stopped interjecting myself into his issues, he started reaching out for me more.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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You know what? Some people plain AREN'T good at marriage. And when I left my first husband (the good guy, the guy that stayed sober), I felt horribly guilty, but I felt just the way your husband says he feels--that he deserved better than someone who was only halfheartedly into the marriage.
I did get married one more time, but before I could see if I was any good in a different marriage, that husband went back to drinking (after almost dying of it) and I left for that reason.
I had one long-term (six-year) relationship after that, and let's just say I am on indefinite hiatus from relationships.
Some marriages don't make it. Some don't make it even when alcoholism is not in the picture. If his heart isn't in it, it seems like it would be a very painful place for you to be.
I did get married one more time, but before I could see if I was any good in a different marriage, that husband went back to drinking (after almost dying of it) and I left for that reason.
I had one long-term (six-year) relationship after that, and let's just say I am on indefinite hiatus from relationships.
Some marriages don't make it. Some don't make it even when alcoholism is not in the picture. If his heart isn't in it, it seems like it would be a very painful place for you to be.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Al27, thank you so much for your post! I'm new here myself and my SO is only just beginning his road to recovery, so unfortunately I can't give you much advice about the long run (I'm wondering that myself!) But I had to reply because I know exactly how you feel!
Some of the guilt I have been suffering with is because my SO was actually (almost) BETTER when he was drunk or stoned. Normally he was hard, cold, distant. But he would get a pill in him, or a few drinks - and he would be affectionate, flirtatious, sweet. Our sex life was never really improved by the pills or the drinking, but the emotional aspect was! I hated myself because I yearned for that interaction and that closeness but I knew it was killing him and hurting him! I was hurt because I didn't know if it was me, if he had to be effed up in order to love me. They were terrible feelings.
I was expecting our sex life to be in the gutter when he quit drinking, but it's actually chugging on just a little. But I'm lacking that emotional connection. I am so glad he is going to his meetings so faithfully and bettering himself - but now I never see him. Sometimes he comes home and wakes me up and holds me while he tells me about what they talked about that night, what he shared. But he is so sensitive. Anything I say seems to rub him the wrong way - he finds nasty intentions in the most innocent things I say. It's a little like walking around on egg shells, I never know whether he's going to be in a good mood or a bad mood.
Ultimately, I think he has emotional problems - I think that's why he's had the problem with the pills and the alcohol in the first place - why they actually improved his moods instead of making him a terror like some alcoholics. I worry that if he doesn't get psychiatric help and some medication to even him out, he'll go right back to the alcohol - because it makes him feel more normal. I don't know how to broach the subject, and worried it will cause a 'grumpy session' - but you might want to try broaching it yourself.
Therapy is just like alcohol recovery, they have to want it, you can't make them go. But in the end, it could only help - never hurt. Maybe that's the way to broach it - it can only help.
Again, thank you so much for sharing, because I know EXACTLY how you feel, I hope you find your answers and that he comes back to you emotionally.
Some of the guilt I have been suffering with is because my SO was actually (almost) BETTER when he was drunk or stoned. Normally he was hard, cold, distant. But he would get a pill in him, or a few drinks - and he would be affectionate, flirtatious, sweet. Our sex life was never really improved by the pills or the drinking, but the emotional aspect was! I hated myself because I yearned for that interaction and that closeness but I knew it was killing him and hurting him! I was hurt because I didn't know if it was me, if he had to be effed up in order to love me. They were terrible feelings.
I was expecting our sex life to be in the gutter when he quit drinking, but it's actually chugging on just a little. But I'm lacking that emotional connection. I am so glad he is going to his meetings so faithfully and bettering himself - but now I never see him. Sometimes he comes home and wakes me up and holds me while he tells me about what they talked about that night, what he shared. But he is so sensitive. Anything I say seems to rub him the wrong way - he finds nasty intentions in the most innocent things I say. It's a little like walking around on egg shells, I never know whether he's going to be in a good mood or a bad mood.
Ultimately, I think he has emotional problems - I think that's why he's had the problem with the pills and the alcohol in the first place - why they actually improved his moods instead of making him a terror like some alcoholics. I worry that if he doesn't get psychiatric help and some medication to even him out, he'll go right back to the alcohol - because it makes him feel more normal. I don't know how to broach the subject, and worried it will cause a 'grumpy session' - but you might want to try broaching it yourself.
Therapy is just like alcohol recovery, they have to want it, you can't make them go. But in the end, it could only help - never hurt. Maybe that's the way to broach it - it can only help.
Again, thank you so much for sharing, because I know EXACTLY how you feel, I hope you find your answers and that he comes back to you emotionally.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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It's been 5 months for my RABF, so we are early in this recovery stuff as well. It is a difficult adjustment. I think you're right, there is such exhaustion and hurt it's hard to get past it some days. I also think the A may be dealing with the guilt of what they've caused. Your spouse feels bad for "ruining" you, maybe he senses your unhappiness right now and is shouldering the blame for that. My RABF told me the other night he wonders if I'll ever be able to get past all the damage he caused. I know that's because there are still times when old issues come up.
All I can do is give it time. I work hard in my AlAnon group, and am working my own steps. Trying to find my own happiness, outside of his recovery. Maybe go to a counselor on your own, just to get help with how to handle things on your side of the street. I have no answers, just want you to know you're not alone in your feelings.
All I can do is give it time. I work hard in my AlAnon group, and am working my own steps. Trying to find my own happiness, outside of his recovery. Maybe go to a counselor on your own, just to get help with how to handle things on your side of the street. I have no answers, just want you to know you're not alone in your feelings.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Hi Al27 - so sorry for what you're going through. My AH is about to get out of rehab and enter a sober living facility, and I gotta be honest, I'm afraid of what the next days/weeks/months will bring! From stories of others here, I know that early sobriety is difficult, for both the A and us loved ones. After pickling their brains for so long, it takes a while for them to unpickle and equalize. Have you heard of post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS)? For a few months (and for some a year or more) of sobriety, A's in recovery may go through a lot of ups and downs emotionally. I know it will be scary, but I sincerely hope that I'll watch my husband go through that journey rather than see him go back to drinking again. I can't say whether our marriage will survive, but I'm just going to take it one day at a time and see how it goes and try to ride those ups & downs by focusing on me while my AH focuses on himself. That's really all I can do.
Sending you hugs.
Sending you hugs.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Cecilia~ I hope that from reading everyone's experiences here will make it an easier road for you!!! I went it alone for so long. Made every mistake in the book (still am making them) but I think that had I known years ago what to expect that I would have been more supportive during his sober periods and not enabled, not been so sensitive, etc... And it's funny you say pickled, I've said that for years and not everyone knows what the term means~ Lol! Ironically I'm actually literally pickling some stuff today in the kitchen, in jars~ so very fitting 
x
x
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Dear A127, the thing that really jumps out at me the most, from your post, is that you state that you "feel guilty" and cry much of the time.
Why should you feel guilty? exactly? I can't see why you should feel guilty.
With you feeling guilty, unhappy and crying--and your husband in a "black cloud"--where are the kids in all of this?
I am just wondering--as I have empathy for your situation.
sincerely, dandylion
Why should you feel guilty? exactly? I can't see why you should feel guilty.
With you feeling guilty, unhappy and crying--and your husband in a "black cloud"--where are the kids in all of this?
I am just wondering--as I have empathy for your situation.
sincerely, dandylion
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Hi Dandylion~ lord knows the children have seen too much over the years... I've fought tooth and nail to keep them safe and happy, it's a very complicated situation. When I have cried it is in private~ about the state of our relationship. AH is a wonderful and attentive father, his black cloud of negativity is solely directed at me and never around the kids. It's like our marriage is nonexistent and I'm just an annoying roommate. I feel guilty when I'm sad because that makes him feel bad and angry, when what I need to do is put the focus onto his recovery and push my own feelings aside more. The children are getting more quality time with their dad than ever before now, thankfully 
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Originally Posted by Al27 
I feel guilty when I'm sad because that makes him feel bad and angry, when what I need to do is put the focus onto his recovery and push my own feelings aside more.
You have been living with alcoholism a long time and have your own recovering to do. Sending you strength and courage to find a way to focus on yourself.
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Oh,A127--SparkleKitty is right--it is distressing to hear that you feel this way. You are doing exactly what so many of us co-dependents do (before becoming more self-aware of our own value). You should NOT be stuffing your own feelings---and your focus should be on your own recovery and HANDS-OFF of his.
If you haven't--I would suggest that you read "C0-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie, for starters--as well as the stickies at the top of this page.
But, more importantly, alanon would be the best starting place for you that I can imagine. You should not have to continue to live like this--you have been unhappy long enough, it sounds to me!
sincerely, dandylion
If you haven't--I would suggest that you read "C0-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie, for starters--as well as the stickies at the top of this page.
But, more importantly, alanon would be the best starting place for you that I can imagine. You should not have to continue to live like this--you have been unhappy long enough, it sounds to me!
sincerely, dandylion
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A127 - I agree with the others. Your focus shouldn't be on him. You are used to him being the center of everything (aren't all alcoholics the sun the world revolves around?) but you have to break that. Take care of your kids and take care of YOU!
Your husband is a big boy and is totally and completely responsible for his life and recovery. You can be supportive without neglecting your own feelings and needs. Tell him that you love him and that you hope he'll get better, then go about your life. Be HAPPY! Nothing that happens or has happened in his life will ever be your fault.
Your husband is a big boy and is totally and completely responsible for his life and recovery. You can be supportive without neglecting your own feelings and needs. Tell him that you love him and that you hope he'll get better, then go about your life. Be HAPPY! Nothing that happens or has happened in his life will ever be your fault.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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A127, I am soooo sorry for what you are going through. I can only share that he is not the one who is a ghost in your house, imho. The reason I say this is because in my life with my AH, I poured out everything I had, my heart, my soul, my mind and my strength. Guess what the end result was? I was a ghost. A shadow of the person I was. Fortunately, I got out before I was completely gone. Please, hear everyone here...believe that YOU are not responsible for
his black cloud of negativity
It's like our marriage is nonexistent and I'm just an annoying roommate. - Yup, I was there too. Find it somewhere deep inside you--you deserve better. Yes, you do.
You are not responsible if he feels sad or angry--he lives in what he has created. I am not reading that he is walking on eggshells because YOU are calling the shots around the house. You have no need to feel guilty for feeling sad.
what I need to do is put the focus onto his recovery and push my own feelings aside more.--Been there, done that 3 times with the same AH (I left and came back 3 times)--I almost died inside--step aside--walking dead person here.
Please, keep coming here and learn from all of our mistakes, strengths, hopes and victories. I did, and it saved my life.
Your post touched me deeply as I remember your feelings well...we are here for you.
his black cloud of negativity
It's like our marriage is nonexistent and I'm just an annoying roommate. - Yup, I was there too. Find it somewhere deep inside you--you deserve better. Yes, you do.
You are not responsible if he feels sad or angry--he lives in what he has created. I am not reading that he is walking on eggshells because YOU are calling the shots around the house. You have no need to feel guilty for feeling sad.
what I need to do is put the focus onto his recovery and push my own feelings aside more.--Been there, done that 3 times with the same AH (I left and came back 3 times)--I almost died inside--step aside--walking dead person here.
Please, keep coming here and learn from all of our mistakes, strengths, hopes and victories. I did, and it saved my life.
Your post touched me deeply as I remember your feelings well...we are here for you.
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Ichabod really hit a point when she said it is the evil you know... When they're drinking it's all emergencies and adrenaline, trying to focus on the moment.. But when the waters calm you see the wreckage, like a hurricane. Keepingthejoy, thank you for your post, yours touched me as well. The last al anon meeting I was at I said I was just looking for my identity again and trying to stop being codependent. It's difficult when living with someone who is so deep in the disease, even when sober. There have been times when I have sworn he must be a psychopath or a sociopath because he is SO charismatic, so beautiful, so... Magnetic, to everyone around him. Not just me. Yet it is like water~ the ocean can be so beautiful yet so unpredictable, destructive and who can control it? He enthralls everyone around him. But there is a dark and tortured side. I always thought it was just something wrong with me, until last night when he told me the other women cried as I did because of his apathy... He said one of his long term ex's (who is still in love with him) told him once "I miss you so terribly... But I don't miss being *with* you, if that makes sense" I know he feels badly for his lack of warmth towards me, I really see that, but just feeling bad doesn't make anything different.
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