alia

Hi everyone,

It's been a few months. I thought I was doing well.

My RABF has been sober for over a year and a half and he is feeling super confident and positive about the changes he has made. I can see how he has transformed and grown as a person and its a beautiful thing.

However, when anything comes up that is even remotely related to alcohol, I FREAK OUT. Examples: His friends are having a poker tournament tonight and there will be alcohol around. He also occasionally goes to dinner parties where there is drinking going on. I am usually invited to these events and he genuinely enjoys it when I do attend. It's easy to see that his intentions going to these events are not bad - he just wants to see his friends.

When something like this comes up I become so protective of myself and, to be honest, mean. I don't know how to control these feelings and I don't know what it will take for me to stop being seized by fear.

What do you think?

LaughAway

Your feeelings are completely justified. Your scared that he will start drinking again and that the beautiful person he has grown into will revert right back to what he was.

As hard as it may be you have to learn to let this fear go. Because you cannot control his decision to be sober anymore than you could control his decision to drink. Realize that you are in control of your own emotions and how you choose to act or re-act to a situation.

LexieCat

I think you need to get to Al-Anon. Is your boyfriend in AA? If so, I suggest you go to a few AA meetings, too--if you or he aren't comfortable with your going to his meetings, go to a few on your own. Maybe if you understand a bit more about recovery, it will put your mind at ease.

I've been sober for over four years and it's no big deal to me if other people drink. It is simply irrelevant to me. I do tend to find people who are drinking a bit on the boring side, and I don't particularly enjoy events where drinking is the main activity, but it sounds like your b/f has good reasons for wanting to be with his friends. If he is going to drink, he doesn't need to be at a poker party or dinner party to do it. Sounds like he is doing very well, but it's time for you to put the focus back on YOU.

BlueSkies1

I understand that. It's all about trust. You don't want the rug pulled back out from under you.
Life is unpredictable, unsure, and no assurities but death and taxes. Trust. How can you truly trust him?
I would tell him exactly how I feel. I would do it gently. I'd just say to him--I am afraid. Reassure me. The man loves you, he will do exactly that. This convo, if done with understanding and gentleness on both your parts, will bring you closer together.
(I guess too...you don't want to have this convo too many times, so if you've already had it a lot...I've have it in my own head and not share with him those feelings over and over again.)

Is it a crystal ball? Nope. Is it an unbreakable promise? Nope. Is it a guaranttee forever? Nope. There are none in life.

peridotbleu

Trust is hard to re-build once it has been broken so many times. Have you talked to him and explained that it makes you uncomfortable?
That may come off as sounding a little Codie, but relationships are still give and take and if one is doing something that bothers the other then it should be discussed.
How can a relationship grow if trust is not the foundation?

LexieCat

I'm sorry, but this is something alia has to work through, I think. It isn't right to expect him not to go to a dinner party or a poker party just because it makes her uncomfortable. These are normal, healthy activities, not reckless, risky ones. Certainly not after a year and a half of sobriety--especially when there is growth and maturity in evidence.

alia, I'm not trying to be hard on you. But even though your feelings stem from your experiences living with his alcoholism, he can't FIX that. He is doing what he is supposed to be doing. You will have to find ways to live in peace with his right to live his life, or else move on. Just as it isn't fair for the alcoholic (drinking or sober) to try to control the partner, it isn't fair for the partner to try to control what the alcoholic does.

I think you might find the Step work in Al-Anon very helpful.

euchella

I have felt exactly like you, and the only sane response is that you can only control how you act, not how you feel. The more you give in to your fear, the more fearful you will become. The writer CS Lewis said that if you want to love God, then you must act as if you do. The same is true of other emotions--if you want to be less fearful, imagine what that looks like, and act that way. Giving up control when I am in the grip of fear is almost impossible because I, like you, want more control of other people's actions, not less control. And yet, if I can just loosen the vise grip of fear long enough to realize, (as several other people on here have told you), that everything in life is an unpredictable risk, then I can breathe, and before long, I can also distract myself, and then the fear dissipates. I wish you luck. It sounds like your husband loves you a great deal and is doing very well. My best to you both.

peridotbleu

I dont mean to sound like she should be trying to control him - I am just saying in relationships - unless something is mandatory for work that couples should communicate and compliment each other not tear each other apart.
I am not saying that he is doing anything wrong - I feel that a relationship is built on trust and like you say, if you dont trust your partner then move on, but a healthy relationship would call for talking to each other to find out what bothers the other and if you both agree - great, if not - move on.
I agree with you Lexie no one likes to be controlled!

lillamy

There's a quote someone gave me that I keep coming back to:
"Pain will leave you when you let go."

When you stop believing that you can control whether he drinks or not. When you accept that there are so many things you can't control - the pain is replaced with a sense of relief.

If you're a Codie like me, control or attempting to control is where your security lies. But it's also the source of your pain and, yes, meanness. When I can't control things, I get irritated.

As long as your well-being is rooted in what someone else does or doesn't do, you're setting yourself up for pain. I have to work on it on a daily basis and I don't know that I'll ever arrive. But the more I can let go, the less I fear and feel pain.