what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: springfield, ma
Posts: 2
what to do
I've been reading the post here for a couple years now, and I don't know if this ever came up.
My AH just came back from rehab a month ago, and started drinking again, he's been in so many rehabs thru the years.
I think he's at end stage, pancretis, hep c , cirroshis, I just don't know what to do.
Were both on Social Security and funds are limited. I have been handling the finances.
My question...Should I leave him money everyday to go buy his booze? Is that controlling? Or should I just let him have free reign over all the money?
evy
My AH just came back from rehab a month ago, and started drinking again, he's been in so many rehabs thru the years.
I think he's at end stage, pancretis, hep c , cirroshis, I just don't know what to do.
Were both on Social Security and funds are limited. I have been handling the finances.
My question...Should I leave him money everyday to go buy his booze? Is that controlling? Or should I just let him have free reign over all the money?
evy
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Evy, I'm so sorry for your troubles. I hope you will get more experienced people responding regarding your situation, but as far as the money goes, do not go down into the pit with him. Take out what you need to keep the show on the road, rent, food, power, car. If there's any left then divide it in half. He will drink his away but you get yours for what you need.
I wouldn't bother doling it out daily if it were me, but you know best in your circumstances.
I wouldn't bother doling it out daily if it were me, but you know best in your circumstances.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome and thanks for introducing yourself!
You are in between a rock and a hard place. I can't tell you what to do but I can help you look at how the options will play out.
I am going to assume that both your incomes are required to meet your household expenses like utilities, rent/mortgage, food, etc.
If you give him control of his income, you may be left with unpaid household expenses.
If you keep control of his income, you are contributing to his addiction by making it okay for him not to face the reality of being a responsible partner in the home.
If you can afford to take the chance that he will pay his portion of the household expenses as required, then give him control of his income.
In my personal experience with my now ex-husband, when I tried to control the money (he was drinking and gambling) he found a way to still get money. He rented a Post Office box, opened a new credit card in his name with the P.O. box listed as his address, and he began to use that Credit Card as an ATM card taking out cash withdrawals with very high interest payments. We had a financial nightmare when I finally figured out what was happening.
You are in between a rock and a hard place. I can't tell you what to do but I can help you look at how the options will play out.
I am going to assume that both your incomes are required to meet your household expenses like utilities, rent/mortgage, food, etc.
If you give him control of his income, you may be left with unpaid household expenses.
If you keep control of his income, you are contributing to his addiction by making it okay for him not to face the reality of being a responsible partner in the home.
If you can afford to take the chance that he will pay his portion of the household expenses as required, then give him control of his income.
In my personal experience with my now ex-husband, when I tried to control the money (he was drinking and gambling) he found a way to still get money. He rented a Post Office box, opened a new credit card in his name with the P.O. box listed as his address, and he began to use that Credit Card as an ATM card taking out cash withdrawals with very high interest payments. We had a financial nightmare when I finally figured out what was happening.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear evy, here ia what sounds reasonable to me (under your current circumstances): take care of all necessary expenses to keep the household running---then, if there is anything left over---give him his fair portion in one lump sum. When he runs o ut--Oh, Well.
I would take the money from the joint account and place it n a different account--In your name only. This might be tricky, but, I would give it a try.
***I must say that this is my approach--and, I realize that m any others might not agree.
sincerely, dandylion
I would take the money from the joint account and place it n a different account--In your name only. This might be tricky, but, I would give it a try.
***I must say that this is my approach--and, I realize that m any others might not agree.
sincerely, dandylion
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I am glad you found us but very sorry for the reasons you had to. You will find a lot of experience, strength and hope (ES&H) here from folks who have been where you are, or are where you are now.
You are going to get a lot of opinions and they may not all be the same, lol
I would suggest, just as 'Feeling Great' did, since y'all are living together and the 'bills' ie the rent, utilities, insurance if any, car payments, food are shared equally, then pay those all withholding the food money. Then what is left, divide in half and give him his half. Make sure that the food money and your little bit of leftover is in a place where he cannot access it, even if it means opening another account in your name only, with a debit card that only you know the 'pin number'.
As a side note when it comes to Social Security, y'all are actually being penalized because you are married. I have known and know older folks that have lost their mate, and later find another elder citizen that also lost their mate, they will move in together but not marry, as they both know that their combined SS if they marry will decrease from the SS they are getting being single.
I even know 3 different couples, all had been married a long time, and after retirement they chose to get divorced, then continue to live together, and their combined SS went up by quite a nice sum.
It is something you may want to think about. Dosn't say you have to leave him, but does give you both a bit more SS money, and that way should the time arise where you can no longer tolerate his actions while he is practicing his drinking, then you will have a bit more to live on alone.
Anyway, you have my suggestion, and btw it is what I would do and did with my ex husband paychecks and my paychecks. All bills were paid, then what was left over was divided and that was our individual 'allowances' for the next two weeks.
Love and hugs,
You are going to get a lot of opinions and they may not all be the same, lol
I would suggest, just as 'Feeling Great' did, since y'all are living together and the 'bills' ie the rent, utilities, insurance if any, car payments, food are shared equally, then pay those all withholding the food money. Then what is left, divide in half and give him his half. Make sure that the food money and your little bit of leftover is in a place where he cannot access it, even if it means opening another account in your name only, with a debit card that only you know the 'pin number'.
As a side note when it comes to Social Security, y'all are actually being penalized because you are married. I have known and know older folks that have lost their mate, and later find another elder citizen that also lost their mate, they will move in together but not marry, as they both know that their combined SS if they marry will decrease from the SS they are getting being single.
I even know 3 different couples, all had been married a long time, and after retirement they chose to get divorced, then continue to live together, and their combined SS went up by quite a nice sum.
It is something you may want to think about. Dosn't say you have to leave him, but does give you both a bit more SS money, and that way should the time arise where you can no longer tolerate his actions while he is practicing his drinking, then you will have a bit more to live on alone.
Anyway, you have my suggestion, and btw it is what I would do and did with my ex husband paychecks and my paychecks. All bills were paid, then what was left over was divided and that was our individual 'allowances' for the next two weeks.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Hi evy - so sorry for what you're going through. My AH is in rehab for the second time this year, and to protect myself, I set up a separate just-in-case fund in my own name. I have it at the same bank where I set up joint savings accounts for us, although I'm the only one with access to this account. The reason I set up mine is implied by the name I gave it - just in case I have to leave - so my reasons would be different from yours. But in your case, from a standpoint of protecting yourself and your own financial well-being, it may not be a bad idea to separate the finances to some extent. Personally, I wouldn't leave him money if I knew he was going to buy booze with it. As others have said, I would only share all the finances with you are reasonably certain that you would be able to have enough left to cover expenses for your home, utilities, and food.
Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
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