First Post, First Steps (way too long of a post)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
P.S. I did not argue with RAH when he was AH. I didn't point out he was drunk, I didn't question I didn't ask. I did my best to stay out of his way. I responded politely when engaged.
This allowed me to focus on the task at hand which was Me not HIM.
This allowed me to focus on the task at hand which was Me not HIM.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 102
Hi Rocker -
My sympathies, I am in the middle of a similar situation with my AW of 26 years. I know exactly the frustration, anger, and sadness you are experiencing. I can only second what others have said, I have taken to polite and simple matter-of-fact responses to her, and just not get drawn into discussions that lead nowhere.
I try to take care of myself, and let her do what she is going to do. She has just gone to rehab, but truth to be told, I am not sure I can hang on even if she gets sober. The thought of disentangling finances, house, businesses, and so forth is daunting, but I am choosing not to worry about that now, one day at a time, just keep steering the ship in the right direction! I wish you the best.
My sympathies, I am in the middle of a similar situation with my AW of 26 years. I know exactly the frustration, anger, and sadness you are experiencing. I can only second what others have said, I have taken to polite and simple matter-of-fact responses to her, and just not get drawn into discussions that lead nowhere.
I try to take care of myself, and let her do what she is going to do. She has just gone to rehab, but truth to be told, I am not sure I can hang on even if she gets sober. The thought of disentangling finances, house, businesses, and so forth is daunting, but I am choosing not to worry about that now, one day at a time, just keep steering the ship in the right direction! I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
Rocker, I can so relate and I really understand how difficult it is to leave. I'm in the process now of trying to figure it all out. When I found this board, I was so grateful to know I'm not alone. My AH is verbally abusive and he is spending us broke. I think that's what was the final straw for me that has pushed me to Al Anon and onward - knowing I'll be out on the street if I don't take action. He's away now for a few days and the peace I have is awesome. No one demeaning me, no blackouts. When you wrote it's complicated and scary, I understand and I appreciate your post because it makes me feel so much less alone and I've been very lonely. Don't have any real words of advice but just wanted to send you some positive energy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 21
Thank you everyone for sharing, accepting, encouraging and posting your words of thoughtful caring.
Indeed, I feel much less alone. And THAT is a blessing!!!!
Last night I was going grocery shopping and AH announced, "Please don't buy any wine."
I looked at him and said, "I didn't intend to."
He replied. "I am not going to drink for like 10 days."
OKay... the old me would have snorted and said "10 days? Why bother? What difference will 10 days make? You haven't gone 4 days without a drink in the last year. Wow. Is that your biggest goal?"
But I didn't say that. I just smiled and said.. "Okay. I support you with that."
I'm not ready to give an ultimatum just yet... but it's in there.
At least for right now... the storm will be less cloudy for a few days. And that will be nice.
I shall keep reading that book and this forum. I'm going to make plans with a girlfriend this week to go and do something as well! That is something I NEVER do. Why? Because I feel guilty if I'm not with my AH. We're supposed to be each others end-all, be-all. etc etc. So yeah... stepping up my self-care and self-love to a new level.
Thanks again!
Indeed, I feel much less alone. And THAT is a blessing!!!!
Last night I was going grocery shopping and AH announced, "Please don't buy any wine."
I looked at him and said, "I didn't intend to."
He replied. "I am not going to drink for like 10 days."
OKay... the old me would have snorted and said "10 days? Why bother? What difference will 10 days make? You haven't gone 4 days without a drink in the last year. Wow. Is that your biggest goal?"
But I didn't say that. I just smiled and said.. "Okay. I support you with that."
I'm not ready to give an ultimatum just yet... but it's in there.
At least for right now... the storm will be less cloudy for a few days. And that will be nice.
I shall keep reading that book and this forum. I'm going to make plans with a girlfriend this week to go and do something as well! That is something I NEVER do. Why? Because I feel guilty if I'm not with my AH. We're supposed to be each others end-all, be-all. etc etc. So yeah... stepping up my self-care and self-love to a new level.
Thanks again!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
When ever M went off on a tirade I just kept my mouth shut. It was the best strategy to diffuse the situation.
Welcome to SR. Here's a post from the stickes (top of the F&F forum) that served me well. I followed each step as thought my sanity depended on it. Looks like you're well on your way to a couple important steps, learning about addiction (reading getting them sober) and getting support.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Welcome to SR. Here's a post from the stickes (top of the F&F forum) that served me well. I followed each step as thought my sanity depended on it. Looks like you're well on your way to a couple important steps, learning about addiction (reading getting them sober) and getting support.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Rocker I did get my life back, and you can too. Doesn't mean the problems are 100% finished (I have a thread about this...my ex just lost his job) but it is beyond wonderful not to have to live with him. After 2 years I am still loving every day of it.
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Hi rocker. When I read through your posts, it actually made me sick to my stomach because it was like I was reliving my past. I was not married to my A, but was in a long-term relationship. I also own a business with him and was frozen in place because I didn't know how to get out. Then, out of nowhere, things sort of fell into place. It all just made sense. I'm dealing with splitting up the business and all the other "fun" things that go along with separating from a relationship. I have to admit that it's pretty horrible... but it's still not as horrible as it was being with him, and now at least I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Your post reminded me how it felt. Sleeping alone, listening and wondering what would happen next. I have my own place now, and it is wonderful. I barely even missed him when I moved.
At some point, things will fall into place for you. You will know what the right thing to do is, and you will move in the right direction. Believe in yourself. You sound like a very capable, and resourceful person.
At some point, things will fall into place for you. You will know what the right thing to do is, and you will move in the right direction. Believe in yourself. You sound like a very capable, and resourceful person.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 21
Thank you again for the loving posts.
Little update here.
So AH has been off the wine for a whole 9 days now. We have been on a 'clean living' wagon. Raw vegan foods. Juicing. Green smoothies.
He is an amazing gourmet chef (not professional) so he keeps making us these amazing meals. Really amazing.
Then last night.. he says.. "I am gonna go to the shop and get a bottle of wine."
I went silent of course. It was 10 pm. We'd had a super productive day. But he was frustrated because he just worked on his band's music stuff.. and it dredged up all the feelings again.
Then he said.."Well, I just want to know if you're going to be mad at me."
I didn't know what to say. I remembered from that book that I'm not the cure, control or cause of his drinking. So I said.."I'm not the boss of you. You can do whatever you want to do.,"
And I went to the living room and flipped on the telly. But in my stomach.. I felt scared. Betrayed. Nervous. Sad. And angry.
After about 5 minutes.. he came in and sat down. He didn't go to the shop.
But today has been outbursts of rage over and over again. His computer. The post office. A phone call. On and on and on.
I finally left and am once again at the book shop. I had a phone meeting here!!!
Anyway... I'm realizing more and more that I have a choice. It's a very very tough one. As he is so amazing at loving and taking care of us when he is well. In as much as ... shopping, cleaning, cooking, looking after us... that sort of thing.
But wow. I felt soooo betrayed and disappointed when he said he was going to drink last night. And then so happy when he didn't.
How on earth do you move through any of this? HOw do you detach?
I guess I shall keep reading that book. Maybe it gets clearer as it goes deeper.
Anyway, thanks again. To all of you.
xxx
Little update here.
So AH has been off the wine for a whole 9 days now. We have been on a 'clean living' wagon. Raw vegan foods. Juicing. Green smoothies.
He is an amazing gourmet chef (not professional) so he keeps making us these amazing meals. Really amazing.
Then last night.. he says.. "I am gonna go to the shop and get a bottle of wine."
I went silent of course. It was 10 pm. We'd had a super productive day. But he was frustrated because he just worked on his band's music stuff.. and it dredged up all the feelings again.
Then he said.."Well, I just want to know if you're going to be mad at me."
I didn't know what to say. I remembered from that book that I'm not the cure, control or cause of his drinking. So I said.."I'm not the boss of you. You can do whatever you want to do.,"
And I went to the living room and flipped on the telly. But in my stomach.. I felt scared. Betrayed. Nervous. Sad. And angry.
After about 5 minutes.. he came in and sat down. He didn't go to the shop.
But today has been outbursts of rage over and over again. His computer. The post office. A phone call. On and on and on.
I finally left and am once again at the book shop. I had a phone meeting here!!!
Anyway... I'm realizing more and more that I have a choice. It's a very very tough one. As he is so amazing at loving and taking care of us when he is well. In as much as ... shopping, cleaning, cooking, looking after us... that sort of thing.
But wow. I felt soooo betrayed and disappointed when he said he was going to drink last night. And then so happy when he didn't.
How on earth do you move through any of this? HOw do you detach?
I guess I shall keep reading that book. Maybe it gets clearer as it goes deeper.
Anyway, thanks again. To all of you.
xxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You will find your answers to many of these questions in Alanon...
...I know you are busy, and I know it's not as convenient as reading books, but IMHO the best possible thing you can do for YOU right now is try some Alanon meetings.
Alanon saved my life. I know from being on here a long time it was an important part of many others' recovery as well. It's not a coincidence. It's just not.
Please consider six Alanon meetings, some different, before deciding if you will continue. Here, I'll give you a hand:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting
Take care,
Cyranoak
Alanon saved my life. I know from being on here a long time it was an important part of many others' recovery as well. It's not a coincidence. It's just not.
Please consider six Alanon meetings, some different, before deciding if you will continue. Here, I'll give you a hand:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting
Take care,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by rocker 
Thank you again for the loving posts.
Little update here.
So AH has been off the wine for a whole 9 days now. We have been on a 'clean living' wagon. Raw vegan foods. Juicing. Green smoothies.
He is an amazing gourmet chef (not professional) so he keeps making us these amazing meals. Really amazing.
Then last night.. he says.. "I am gonna go to the shop and get a bottle of wine."
I went silent of course. It was 10 pm. We'd had a super productive day. But he was frustrated because he just worked on his band's music stuff.. and it dredged up all the feelings again.
Then he said.."Well, I just want to know if you're going to be mad at me."
I didn't know what to say. I remembered from that book that I'm not the cure, control or cause of his drinking. So I said.."I'm not the boss of you. You can do whatever you want to do.,"
And I went to the living room and flipped on the telly. But in my stomach.. I felt scared. Betrayed. Nervous. Sad. And angry.
After about 5 minutes.. he came in and sat down. He didn't go to the shop.
But today has been outbursts of rage over and over again. His computer. The post office. A phone call. On and on and on.
I finally left and am once again at the book shop. I had a phone meeting here!!!
Anyway... I'm realizing more and more that I have a choice. It's a very very tough one. As he is so amazing at loving and taking care of us when he is well. In as much as ... shopping, cleaning, cooking, looking after us... that sort of thing.
But wow. I felt soooo betrayed and disappointed when he said he was going to drink last night. And then so happy when he didn't.
How on earth do you move through any of this? HOw do you detach?
I guess I shall keep reading that book. Maybe it gets clearer as it goes deeper.
Anyway, thanks again. To all of you.
xxx
Little update here.
So AH has been off the wine for a whole 9 days now. We have been on a 'clean living' wagon. Raw vegan foods. Juicing. Green smoothies.
He is an amazing gourmet chef (not professional) so he keeps making us these amazing meals. Really amazing.
Then last night.. he says.. "I am gonna go to the shop and get a bottle of wine."
I went silent of course. It was 10 pm. We'd had a super productive day. But he was frustrated because he just worked on his band's music stuff.. and it dredged up all the feelings again.
Then he said.."Well, I just want to know if you're going to be mad at me."
I didn't know what to say. I remembered from that book that I'm not the cure, control or cause of his drinking. So I said.."I'm not the boss of you. You can do whatever you want to do.,"
And I went to the living room and flipped on the telly. But in my stomach.. I felt scared. Betrayed. Nervous. Sad. And angry.
After about 5 minutes.. he came in and sat down. He didn't go to the shop.
But today has been outbursts of rage over and over again. His computer. The post office. A phone call. On and on and on.
I finally left and am once again at the book shop. I had a phone meeting here!!!
Anyway... I'm realizing more and more that I have a choice. It's a very very tough one. As he is so amazing at loving and taking care of us when he is well. In as much as ... shopping, cleaning, cooking, looking after us... that sort of thing.
But wow. I felt soooo betrayed and disappointed when he said he was going to drink last night. And then so happy when he didn't.
How on earth do you move through any of this? HOw do you detach?
I guess I shall keep reading that book. Maybe it gets clearer as it goes deeper.
Anyway, thanks again. To all of you.
xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Dearest Rocker, you did a GREAT job in responding to your AH and then going to the living room. You are NOT the boss of him, it IS his decision to drink or not. You simply gave him permission to make his own decision then lovingly detached by going to the living room. YAY!!!
I would bet that he is "white knuckling" right now since he didn't drink last night, and that's where the rage is coming from. You, again, did the right thing by leaving. Keep a safe distance, don't allow yourself to get pulled into it. I have been in your shoes, the sickness in the pit of my stomach when my A would drink after being sober for a period of time. The absolute disappointment. My A is also a fabulous cook, and a great musician. But none of that matters when I'm on the roller coaster of his addiction. I had to set boundaries, and decide I would not participate any more.
AlAnon saved my sanity, and brought peace into a chaotic existence. I would also recommend "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It's a daily reader that I start each day with. You will often see posts on here from that book.
You are doing really well, even though you are sad right now. Learn all you can, and keep posting. (((HUGS)))
I would bet that he is "white knuckling" right now since he didn't drink last night, and that's where the rage is coming from. You, again, did the right thing by leaving. Keep a safe distance, don't allow yourself to get pulled into it. I have been in your shoes, the sickness in the pit of my stomach when my A would drink after being sober for a period of time. The absolute disappointment. My A is also a fabulous cook, and a great musician. But none of that matters when I'm on the roller coaster of his addiction. I had to set boundaries, and decide I would not participate any more.
AlAnon saved my sanity, and brought peace into a chaotic existence. I would also recommend "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It's a daily reader that I start each day with. You will often see posts on here from that book.
You are doing really well, even though you are sad right now. Learn all you can, and keep posting. (((HUGS)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 21
Oh my.
Thank you soooo much yet again.
Okay.. I will find this other book you mention. I NEED it.
Yes.. it is a roller coaster.
And yes.. he has been on edge all day.
And yes.. no surprise.. he's just announced he's going to the shop for a bottle of wine.
Sigh.
Wow. The massive huge heartbreaking disappointment is hard to let go of. Wow.
Okay.. I will truly find a meeting. I am in the midst of selling/closing spots for my online course which starts on Tuesday. So every spare moment is spent following up on leads. But I know you're right. For some reason.. I'm just dreading it. Like if I don't go.. it will all 'go away' and just magically right itself.
Its nice to hear that someone else had/has this type of man... the fabulous cook... the amazing musician... incredible artist, carpenter, painter. And yet... can he consistently make money? No. He's too busy taking everything personally.
Sigh. There I go... making it all about him.
Okay. One last thing.. he just asked if I wanted to come with him? WTF? Sorry... but seriously? He just has no clue. Like it's a FUN thing to go and get a bottle of wine with him? Wow.
He's trying to be all super nice while he's off to get his fix of alcohol. Pathetic. It just makes me hate him. And right now? I guess I do.
Okay..... allowing myself to cry now that he has left.
Receiving your hugs. And welcoming them. Wholeheartedly.
Thank you soooo much yet again.
Okay.. I will find this other book you mention. I NEED it.
Yes.. it is a roller coaster.
And yes.. he has been on edge all day.
And yes.. no surprise.. he's just announced he's going to the shop for a bottle of wine.
Sigh.
Wow. The massive huge heartbreaking disappointment is hard to let go of. Wow.
Okay.. I will truly find a meeting. I am in the midst of selling/closing spots for my online course which starts on Tuesday. So every spare moment is spent following up on leads. But I know you're right. For some reason.. I'm just dreading it. Like if I don't go.. it will all 'go away' and just magically right itself.
Its nice to hear that someone else had/has this type of man... the fabulous cook... the amazing musician... incredible artist, carpenter, painter. And yet... can he consistently make money? No. He's too busy taking everything personally.
Sigh. There I go... making it all about him.
Okay. One last thing.. he just asked if I wanted to come with him? WTF? Sorry... but seriously? He just has no clue. Like it's a FUN thing to go and get a bottle of wine with him? Wow.
He's trying to be all super nice while he's off to get his fix of alcohol. Pathetic. It just makes me hate him. And right now? I guess I do.
Okay..... allowing myself to cry now that he has left.
Receiving your hugs. And welcoming them. Wholeheartedly.
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