rocker

Hello everyone.

Happy Easter.

I've been married for nearly 17 years. I'm 51 years old and a life long rocker who has reinvented herself more times than humanly possible in order to make money to support us as my AH has a 'hard time working well with people'. (no surprise there right?)

When we first met... he was sober. Then ... the drinking started. Back in the good ole days.. he drank Jack Daniels straight and could 'outdrink' everyone. Staying up until 8 am was not unusual for him.

Then on 9/11... I left him. I said I couldn't live like that anymore. We talked. We cried. We held each other. And he stopped drinking for 7 years. But being British and being a rocker... he refused to attend AA where they use the 'God' word or an inference to a 'higher power'.

Then one of my incarnations of jobs... was as a travel agent. I was quite good at it and had won several trips for us. We were in Mexico and he sort of announced, "I'm a European and I really want to have a glass of wine with dinner again."

Not wanting to have a confrontational argument on our holiday... I relented. And it all began again.

Now it's wine and beer. None of the JD. But does it matter? He's 51 now and the results are the same. Bloodshot eyes. Ridiculous egomaniacal statements. Rage rants. And all the usual alcoholic crap.

We were recently in a situation where I had a big event. He nearly got thrown out because he had an argument with a bouncer. Shortly thereafter, he found me and while I was being filmed for television he managed to whisper... "I'm leaving. Find your own way home."

I stared at him. Cameras were rolling. I was stunned. Embarrassed. Horrified. This was a very very big moment for me and one that was about 15 years in the making and he was going to ruin it because someone insulted him????

I ignored him and semi-pretended that I didn't hear him. A few minutes later he appeared on the set and was being televised with me and everyone else as if nothing had happened.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this.

I spend hours fantasizing about a different life. A life where I go to bed with someone instead of going to bed alone every night as he stays up quietly drinking his bottle of wine.

We both just had events with our bands and his made him feel very free to drink. Like... because he was 'back in the game'... it just went with the territory. For me... we were in a situation where he was with me ... and another musician was talking to me and my AH decided I was flirting with this person. I wasn't. Not in the least. But it led to an all night argument. Literally... ALL NIGHT. He was LOADED and I didn't get one moment of sleep. After hours of defending myself, he finally relented and decided he wanted to have sex. Then ... as usual when he's that drunk, he gets an erection but he cannot ejaculate. Then... after a while.. I get kind of tired.. (it was 6 am?) ... and then.. he gets FURIOUS. He threatened to leave me for good. He threatened to burn his passport. All sorts of craziness.

When we finally got home... we had our friend and son with us and I was thankful for the distraction of company. AH went to the beach and I stayed home with them until it was time to take them to their flight.

AH texted me accusing me of cheating on him with this other musician. It was crazy! He was still drunk from the night before.

Then... he came home and said... "I'm so sorry. It just all got crazy and I was saying stupid things. I won't drink like that anymore."

How many times have we all heard that?!

That was two weeks ago.

Today is another typical Sunday morning for me. I knew it was going to be a rough night last night. He slammed down a six pack of beers while he was on the phone with first one English friend and then another English friend.

By 9:30 PM we were out of alcohol. So he 'went to the shop'. (his nightly routine.) He came home with two bottles of wine. One of them allegedly for me. Of course... they are both gone as I had no interest in drinking last night.

My AH woke me up at around 2 am when he was on the phone to a mate and was talking animatedly.

I woke up and was nervous. I thought... "Oh no. Is he shouting at someone? Is he ranting? Is he going to hurt himself?"

Then I realized he was on the phone and it was more of a happy rant than an angry one. Ahh. relief.

But it only lasted a moment. He didn't stop. He was shouting from across the house. Completely ignorant and disrespectful. I got up and walked over to him ... it took him about 60 seconds to realize I was even standing there. I asked him to bring it down a bit. He nodded and kept on babbling with his friend.

He stumbled into the bedroom around 4:30 this morning. Groped for me under the covers where I pretended to be fast asleep. I waited until he was snoring a bit... then got up and turned off all the lights in the house that he'd left on.

I woke up about every 30 minutes after that until finally at 7:30.. I got up and walked the dog, fed the dog and made plans to come out and hang out by myself at the book shop. (Only after calling to make sure they would be open today.)

It's now after twelve noon and I feel like the loneliest woman on the planet. Holidays are always the worst. As he makes fun of every religion and says horrible things all day long.

When he was gone for 3 weeks... it was terrifying and then eventually... awesome. At first I was quite lonely and felt weird. But eventually... I was thriving.

We are married with a house and joint accounts and a business in both of our names. I have no idea how to leave him. I have no place to even go as I don't know many people here with room for me and my dog. Plus I work from home and so does my AH ...

It just all feels so complicated and scary.

I am incredibly thankful that I can post here anonymously as everyone who knows me thinks I'm the most 'together' chick they've ever met. They also think we have an incredibly happy marriage. So it's nice to 'come clean' so to speak.

I'm not so much looking for advice but understanding. A nod of the head. A hug. A message of ... hey I've been there too.

Much thanks in advance.

LexieCat

Yup, been there, done that.

You've had a glimpse of what life could be like without the burden of living with active alcoholism. It is attainable.

It's always awkward and complicated and painful to end a relationship or a marriage, but it IS doable. I would suggest you get to Al-Anon, and consult with a lawyer to start figuring out your options. You don't have to leave him today, or tomorrow, but it would be a shame to waste your 50s as a hostage to someone else's addiction when he isn't ready to give it up.

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR, and yes, I have been there, done that, have several iterations of the t-shirt to wear around.

I second the suggestion to go to Al-Anon. It's great that you posted this here...it's even better to go say it out loud to a group of strangers who all share this in common. Sounds weird, but its true.

Prayers for a peaceful day today,
~T

rocker

Thank you Tuffgirl and Lexiecat.
Much appreciated.
I guess the first thing is feeling this immense relief that you've 'been there, done that'. LOL

Yes.. I have been looking at the meeting schedule. Not sure what I'll tell AH about where I'm going ... I think I will make up something else to protect myself.

Not a ton of meetings where I live.. but I'll find one this week. Of course.. I'm pretty sure I'll cry if I have to proclaim any of this in real life! Me? The life coach? The leader of so many? The person people look up to?

Yep.
Me.

Thank you for listening. I feel shaky and better all at once.

Tuffgirl

You may be amazed at the people in the room. I too am very successful professionally. Also sat with some fellow colleagues in meetings. Found out my boss was married to a raging alcoholic and ended up with a bankruptcy, a kid, and nothing but the clothes on their backs.

It happens, Rocker. It is no reflection on your intelligence or ability to be self sufficient and successful. It really isn't within your control. You, like the rest of us, are caught in the vortex of addictions. It's actually far more common than I would have ever thought.

Keep posting. Getting it all out of your head is such a relief. The more I talked, the better I began to feel, and the clearer my thinking became.

rocker

wow. Thank you Tuffgirl.

I have to tell you... my eyes welled up with tears as I read your response. (sitting here in a public place.. now that is awkward! ha ha)

I have taken what you said to heart and will commit myself to going to meetings. I do need to get out of my own head with this.

I love my AH but how much of that is codependent crap and how much of it is real? I don't know anymore.

One Q - do alanon meetings in churches have religious overtones?

Tuffgirl

Al-Anon and other 12 step programs have a "higher power" concept embedded within it. I will be honest with you - I am not a religious person. But I found the concept of a higher power means to me to let things go that are not within my control. It took a while to wrap my head around the program's core methodology, but once I did, and embraced it (out of desperation!) and really began to work through it all, I found peace and serenity. It was the best thing I've done for myself in a long time.

So yes and no to your question. And you are free to take what works and leave the rest. You aren't expected to "be religious".

Sure, you love your husband. I loved mine very much. But addictions create chaos and drama. And I would never have considered myself co-dependent until I got into this. It is easy to become those things while trying to hold your life together and in many cases, his as well.

Working your own recovery program can be a life changing experience. I liken it to cleaning out my proverbial closet. And its much, much cheaper than therapy, although I did see a therapist for a while, too.

It was hard to go at first, but I committed to at least five different meetings, and I went to meetings all over my community to find one that seemed like a good fit. They have their own flavors. Also pick up some books if you haven't already. Two good ones to start with are "Under the Influence" and "Getting Them Sober".

rocker

And one more Q ...

So my AH has phoned me twice while I've been sitting here enjoying my quiet time in the book shop. What the heck do I say to him when I come back?

I'm so furious. do you let the rage out? Do you hide out? Do you act like nothing happened when you lost sleep due to their drinking? Is there an 'appropriate behavior' that supports my health and is honest?

I just don't know how to act when I get home. Part of me wants to scream "I'm DONE! I'm tired of this way of life."

The other part of me just wants to keep things non-confrontational until I make a better plan of action rather than just being reactive and screaming my head off. (which I probably wouldn't do in a screaming way anyway.)

Thanks.

Tuffgirl

Well, I've done both, repeatedly. I found neither very effective. We are now divorced, by the way, so my life is completely different these days.

The anger was my biggest hurdle. I was so mad and disappointed (you can go back and read my earlier posts). But nothing compares to the anger he feels. That I learned in AA; after attending some open meetings to try to understand what I was up against.

Al-Anon taught me ways to better cope with the anger, because it is pointless to try to rationalize with an irrational person. And him calling you already - he knows he f'ed up again - he is probably in damage control mode right now.

If I were you, knowing what I know now, I would take a brisk walk until the emotions were manageable, and then say nothing when I got home. You know your truth. He knows it as well. But arguing or berating him is a recipe for more anger and resentment.

P.S. I am still angry sometimes, and we have been apart and in no contact mode for a year now! That's normal; addictions make people crazy, literally and figuratively.

alchiewifey

While you're at the bookstore grab the book "Getting Them Sober" volume 1. It will be a god send to you right now, giving you exactly the steps you need to take and how to react to him. It will save your sanity.

Sorry, I'd write more but I'm on my phone...grab that book and read what you can before you have to talk to him again!

LexieCat

One of the first, most important things you will learn here, and in Al-Anon, is the concept of detachment. That means not engaging with crazy, among other things. You don't have to stuff your feelings, but you don't have to share them, either. You can release them to us, here, or in your group, or with a sponsor (a sponsor is just sort of a mentor in Al-Anon who can guide you through the program--not essential, but very, very useful).

Alcoholics have ways of twisting up anything you express to them--positive, negative, or even neutral statements. You can't make him change, and ultimatums and manipulations don't work. I would say that you just go about your business. You don't have to share the fact that you are seeking recovery, or that you are reaching the end of your rope with the relationship. Just do what is best for you.

rocker

Thank you so much!

I have left the shop so will get that book on my kindle.

I'm driving and have pulled over to use my phone. Your posts started the waterworks. You're right. I need to go to meetings.

Thank you so much for your non judgemental attitudes.
Wow.

SoloMio

I understand. I'm nodding my head as I read what you wrote. ((((((hugs))))))) Hey. I've been there too. Still am.

Dublin

I'm new to this recovery so not much to share but my counsellor said constantly to me 'no decision has to be taken now' I was constantly trying to forum plans of action in a state of chaos but once I let go of having to sort it all now that helped. I found alanon meetings great don't get to that many but when I do they are great and with the religious angle I just do as they say 'take what I like and leave the rest' Hope you get to enjoy your own success and power and to celebrate yourself from time to time. Mind yourself be good to yourself.

LexieCat

Just one thing about the "religious angle"--there is none. Although you will hear references to God and to prayer, nobody tells anyone what to believe. Your Higher Power is your own. Some people think of the power of the universe, or the power of the group, as being what guides them. The focus is on "spirituality," which has more to do with the health of your personality and inner self. Meditation on the breath, or on something calming, can be very soothing.

So no belief in any particular deity, or any at all, is required.

rocker

Thank you LexieCat. Yes, I've been into meditation for about a year now. I used to cry through the whole practice ... but now I can meditate and enjoy it. I'm very into self care ... I just need to let go of the control thing big time.

Thank you for nodding your head SoloMio.

And Thank you Dublin.

I'm back home now. AH has gone to the beach. He posted a photo of a can of beer in the sand onto his facebook page. My heart sank of course. And I realized... there I go again. I cannot control his drinking!!!!! If he chooses to drink, it is his business.

Yes.. I got that from the 'Getting Them Sober' book which I am now reading on my kindle.
Thank you everyone for the amazing support. I'm reeducating myself.

Letting go... letting go. I can only take care of myself. Period.

wicked

Rocker,

I am sad you found your way here through your husband's addiction.
But I am glad you are here, and you seem to have a grip on what you need to do for you.
Excellent.
I am rooting for you! A rocker in her 50's! I love it.

Beth

CeciliaV

Rocker, you can count me among the throngs here who have been there, done that. It's a roller coaster ride. Only you can decide if/when you want to get off or if you want to keep riding along. You're making good steps by coming here, reaching out, learning. Keep at it, and keep on rocking!

lizatola

((Rocker)), it's amazing what happens when we start accepting things and seeing them for what they are. So sorry you are dealing with this behavior, we've all been there done that! As for the book, I have read and re-read that book and a few of her other subsequent books in the series. Great stuff and very practical. It was the first book that made me realize that I was not alone.

Happy Easter, what's left of it!

redatlanta

So sorry for what you are going through - its maddening.

When my husband relapsed last year I was very lucky to land here at get guidance (not always accepted at first).

I was very hesitant about going to Al Anon. It seemed to me that I was being punished to have to go, and I also did not believe I was co-dependent or enabling. After 2 weeks on here of waiting for someone to tell me how to make him stop I decided on Al Anon - because surely there I would be able to find a real live human who could tell me WHY he drank again and WHAT I could do to make him stop.

Al Anon opened my eyes. I was codependant, I was enabling. And I was so F*****g tired from trying to do everything for this man to make him happy I am not sure how I held my job. So I changed ME.

I never shared with my RAH that I went and still go. 7:30 am meetings on Monday. He is a late sleeper. If I am gone he assumes its for coffee or something. He got sober back in October last year. I learned how to make boundaries that I could live with and to be sure to mean them when I said them. I also took that time to set myself up to leave with no problems. Money and a plan. The day came that i could no longer tolerate living with him drinking - I said it, I meant it and I was ready to be out the door. It wasn't something to be discussed it was "stop now or get the f**k out and don't ever come back'.

Our relationship is so much better than before he relapsed. My own codependency and enabling (poor behavior) had made our relationship unsatisfactory to us both. I pray that my RAH is always an RAH . One day at a time. Its always possible he won't be. His relapse was a horrible emotional experience I doubt I will stick around for round 2.

I am glad you found us - great people here who know where you are and what you are going through.

hugs ((()))), Red.