How do I end this??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: vancouver British columbia
Posts: 8
How do I end this??
This is my second post on here. The first was me venting. and this one I think is more of how do I do this? LEAVE that is. My logic part of my brain is saying go..he's going to hurt you again. F*ck your hurting right now. Every fiber in my being is saying leave. AND I can't! =( Abf isn't going to change. NOT the way I need him too. Miracles can happen but I don't think this is going to be one of those. I see the little changes that keep me hanging on and hoping and keeping the faith. But I know. ITs a merry go round. And I HATE merry go rounds. I know I am afraid of the unknown life without him. He can be fun and exciting. But Its too much.
i'm afraid of being alone.. I know whats worse? HOW do I LEave? where do I get the strength when I cut off my family because of him. How do I do this on my own??
i'm afraid of being alone.. I know whats worse? HOW do I LEave? where do I get the strength when I cut off my family because of him. How do I do this on my own??
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Ok, take a deep breath and slowly exhale.
You don't have to have all the answers by midnight tonight, right?
Since you didn't arrive in this situation overnight, please give yourself time to make good decisions about your future.
The slogan: One Day at a Time
it really works.
We are here for you as you make your way through this situation. You are not alone!
You don't have to have all the answers by midnight tonight, right?
Since you didn't arrive in this situation overnight, please give yourself time to make good decisions about your future.
The slogan: One Day at a Time
it really works.
We are here for you as you make your way through this situation. You are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Many of us here damaged our relationships with family and friends when we became caught up with an alcoholic's chaos. Some of us did damage simply by being unavailable to others because we were always in some kind of crisis with the alcoholic or we were simply trying to meet the alcoholic's every need. Others of us broke off relationships with longtime friends or with family members because the alcoholic (and this is very common) convinced us that those people were toxic to us (it continues to amaze me how much mental power alcoholics exert over codependent partners).
So when we left our alcoholics, many of us here contacted the family members or the friends we had lost and we told the truth. We said, "I lost myself in a destructive relationship with an alcoholic. I became consumed by his problems, I withdrew from the good people in my life--and you were one of them--because I became so sick myself that my thinking became crazy and my choices were all bad ones. This is what happens to people who love alcoholics and it happened to me. I am now trying to repair all the damage I have done. I want you to know I'm sorry for the ways I let you down. I am embarrassed that I lost so much of the better part of myself and I hurt people. I want to get better and am working on it. And if there is any way you would be open to rebuilding our relationship, I would like to have the chance to do that. But if too much damage is done, then I completely understand and it is all right."
As for leaving your alcoholic.....you can separate. You can separate and wait a good while and see what happens next and what messages your Higher Power has for you. It is okay to just separate and give things 3 months and then see how you feel. But they should not be 3 months of obsession. They should be 3 months of self-work and self-reflection with a surrender to the will of your Higher Power that the future will be as it will be.
While you are separated you can go to some 12 Step meetings for codependents, you can see a counselor or a pastor or any spiritual advisor, you can contact the healthy people who love you and experience with them what it is to be with someone who is safe, stable, consistent, sober, and kind.
Yes, you are right. If he is in active addiction, there is definitely a world of hurt just up ahead. Your life is more than being an alcoholic's emotional punching bag.
So when we left our alcoholics, many of us here contacted the family members or the friends we had lost and we told the truth. We said, "I lost myself in a destructive relationship with an alcoholic. I became consumed by his problems, I withdrew from the good people in my life--and you were one of them--because I became so sick myself that my thinking became crazy and my choices were all bad ones. This is what happens to people who love alcoholics and it happened to me. I am now trying to repair all the damage I have done. I want you to know I'm sorry for the ways I let you down. I am embarrassed that I lost so much of the better part of myself and I hurt people. I want to get better and am working on it. And if there is any way you would be open to rebuilding our relationship, I would like to have the chance to do that. But if too much damage is done, then I completely understand and it is all right."
As for leaving your alcoholic.....you can separate. You can separate and wait a good while and see what happens next and what messages your Higher Power has for you. It is okay to just separate and give things 3 months and then see how you feel. But they should not be 3 months of obsession. They should be 3 months of self-work and self-reflection with a surrender to the will of your Higher Power that the future will be as it will be.
While you are separated you can go to some 12 Step meetings for codependents, you can see a counselor or a pastor or any spiritual advisor, you can contact the healthy people who love you and experience with them what it is to be with someone who is safe, stable, consistent, sober, and kind.
Yes, you are right. If he is in active addiction, there is definitely a world of hurt just up ahead. Your life is more than being an alcoholic's emotional punching bag.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
DO what these fine posters above ^^^ recommend, and then work on putting one foot in front of the other. One step at a time. Each step will help to increase your self worth, so you will be able to see you can, in fact, do better than this.
I love the quote "I'd rather be alone than wish I was".
I love the quote "I'd rather be alone than wish I was".
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I get that fear of the unknown, but to be honest, I don't recall ever running across anyone who, after a period of adjustment, would willingly go back to someone they left who has not recovered. Yes, they grieve the loss of what was a dream of happiness, but gradually they realize the dream really WAS just an illusion.
Believe me, you can make it on your own. As noted above, however, some calm and dispassionate planning is in order.
Start making some lists--what you are afraid of, what seems hardest, what are some smaller pieces you can tackle first. I found that as I took care of small tasks, one at a time, everything came together and I was able to leave my relationship safely and sanely.
Do you live with this boyfriend? Start thinking about what needs to be done about housing, any joint accounts and bills. How much money do you need to put down for a security deposit, or for your first couple of months' expenses? Do you have it? If not, figure out how you can pull it together.
One bite at a time. That's how you eat an elephant.
Believe me, you can make it on your own. As noted above, however, some calm and dispassionate planning is in order.
Start making some lists--what you are afraid of, what seems hardest, what are some smaller pieces you can tackle first. I found that as I took care of small tasks, one at a time, everything came together and I was able to leave my relationship safely and sanely.
Do you live with this boyfriend? Start thinking about what needs to be done about housing, any joint accounts and bills. How much money do you need to put down for a security deposit, or for your first couple of months' expenses? Do you have it? If not, figure out how you can pull it together.
One bite at a time. That's how you eat an elephant.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 29
I was once caught up in analyzing my situation looking for the perfect or best exit strategy. For me there was only one exit strategy that changed my life. I packed a suit case and left. Its hard cause my head was filled with waves of confusion from so much drama I couldnt think straight. Only took one day out of that place and my mind started to clear.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: vancouver British columbia
Posts: 8
I want to say thanks to all who posted. All your posts definitely help me right now. i have an update. I left him!! It was nasty. All day i was dealing with a day drunk. From the time he had breakfast...the beer started flowing. The things that he was saying to me and boundaries i had given he was crossing and threatening to cross all morning to me and most of the afternoon. was the reason i posted. I knew I had a whole lot hurting up ahead if I stayed.
Well late this afternoon it came to a violent end. I was driving with him passed out beside. it was like 3:30 pm and he had asked to me take him to certain "friend" place. going there crossed one of boundaries. So with him passed out i decieded to keep on driving. he woke from his stupor and raged at me and threatened to pull the E-break while i was driving on the hwy at 120kph. i calmed him down and turned around. I still wasnt going to take him there. just drive to where my car was and let him deal with whatever he needed to do.and i would just go home. He started being physically abusive then. He even tried to smear his sh!t on my face. I just kept driving. When i didnt take the exit he wanted me too. HE grabbed my hair and punched me in the face. I managed to pull over with him still pulling my hair. he let go. AND then I just let loose on him. I HAVE never been this violent in my life!! Although I was in the car i just started punching him in the face. I think i punched him like 10 or 12 times. He then grabbed my hair again and harder and then took an open beer can and smashed the opened end on my face and told me to drown. we finally hit a truce to stop hurting each other.
AND then thats when he started crying and couldn't believe what he did. he was so sorry and he messed up. I drove to my car and he was still crying about it. Though he STILL wanted to go this friends house. And me ...well i wanted to fix it still. I think that was the most messed up thing about it. I WANTED TO FIX IT!!
Well since he didn't even though he was still bawling. I left. on the half hr drive home. with so MUCH hair pulled out of my skull that i have a bald spot and black eye creating. I REALIZED i had to change my number and get help. which i have done. I didn't live with him and yet it took this for me to leave him and be done. He brought such anger out of me. i havn't seen that part of me since i was a teenager and was angry with my brother. i have support from facebook friends who i didnt know went through this too.
They are coming out of the woodwork since i posted what happened. and giving their ph # 's to call them or text them should i need to. PLUS i have this here. THANk YOU all for just replying with a thnks even. I will heal and it will get better. It CANNOT be worse than what i was living with, with him.
Well late this afternoon it came to a violent end. I was driving with him passed out beside. it was like 3:30 pm and he had asked to me take him to certain "friend" place. going there crossed one of boundaries. So with him passed out i decieded to keep on driving. he woke from his stupor and raged at me and threatened to pull the E-break while i was driving on the hwy at 120kph. i calmed him down and turned around. I still wasnt going to take him there. just drive to where my car was and let him deal with whatever he needed to do.and i would just go home. He started being physically abusive then. He even tried to smear his sh!t on my face. I just kept driving. When i didnt take the exit he wanted me too. HE grabbed my hair and punched me in the face. I managed to pull over with him still pulling my hair. he let go. AND then I just let loose on him. I HAVE never been this violent in my life!! Although I was in the car i just started punching him in the face. I think i punched him like 10 or 12 times. He then grabbed my hair again and harder and then took an open beer can and smashed the opened end on my face and told me to drown. we finally hit a truce to stop hurting each other.
AND then thats when he started crying and couldn't believe what he did. he was so sorry and he messed up. I drove to my car and he was still crying about it. Though he STILL wanted to go this friends house. And me ...well i wanted to fix it still. I think that was the most messed up thing about it. I WANTED TO FIX IT!!
Well since he didn't even though he was still bawling. I left. on the half hr drive home. with so MUCH hair pulled out of my skull that i have a bald spot and black eye creating. I REALIZED i had to change my number and get help. which i have done. I didn't live with him and yet it took this for me to leave him and be done. He brought such anger out of me. i havn't seen that part of me since i was a teenager and was angry with my brother. i have support from facebook friends who i didnt know went through this too.
They are coming out of the woodwork since i posted what happened. and giving their ph # 's to call them or text them should i need to. PLUS i have this here. THANk YOU all for just replying with a thnks even. I will heal and it will get better. It CANNOT be worse than what i was living with, with him.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((queensbean)))))
Please make a police report about this incident of PHYSICAL ABUSE.
That way, if needed, when he starts to harass you (and he will when drunk) you can get a Restraining order or it may be called a Protection Order, wherein he mmust not call, email, text, or call your work and usually must stay a minimum if 100 yards away from you. Then if and when he 'breaks' the order, the police can and will pick him up and it will be up to a judge to give him the consequences of his actions,
That is TERRIBLE what he did to you, and your hitting back was SELF DEFENSE!!!!!!
Also there is plenty of help at your local Domestic Violence Center. Things like legal advice, counseling for the aftermath as many DV recipients also end up with PTSD, etc
Please know that we are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Please make a police report about this incident of PHYSICAL ABUSE.
That way, if needed, when he starts to harass you (and he will when drunk) you can get a Restraining order or it may be called a Protection Order, wherein he mmust not call, email, text, or call your work and usually must stay a minimum if 100 yards away from you. Then if and when he 'breaks' the order, the police can and will pick him up and it will be up to a judge to give him the consequences of his actions,
That is TERRIBLE what he did to you, and your hitting back was SELF DEFENSE!!!!!!
Also there is plenty of help at your local Domestic Violence Center. Things like legal advice, counseling for the aftermath as many DV recipients also end up with PTSD, etc
Please know that we are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm so sorry that he hurt you!!! Sending many healing thoughts and prayers!
When I really started looking for help for myself was when I began to get so angry with my stepson and what his actions were doing to the family that I became afraid of what I might be capable of doing.
Thank you so very much for sharing your story. You may not believe it, but you have likely helped many people by doing so.
Originally Posted by queensbean
I didn't live with him and yet it took this for me to leave him and be done. He brought such anger out of me.
Thank you so very much for sharing your story. You may not believe it, but you have likely helped many people by doing so.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Agreed. Please report the assault, or if you don't want to report it to the police at least obtain a restraining order. He is VERY likely to stalk or to harass you, at the very least, after an incident like this.
I would also go to the doctor, if I were you.
Please stay safe.
I would also go to the doctor, if I were you.
Please stay safe.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear queensbean, YES, as Lexie advised---you need to make recorded history of this event. And SOON. You should see a doctor (for medical records, at least). Also, make a police report--or talk to a lawyer--or something. This may be your saving grace should he start to harass you---which he is very likely to do!! Don't forget to take lots of pictures.
You can never have too much documentation--but, you can have too little, sometimes, when you really NEED it.
sincerely, dandylion
You can never have too much documentation--but, you can have too little, sometimes, when you really NEED it.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: vancouver British columbia
Posts: 8
Hi everyone thanks for all the replies. I decided not to go to the police. In retrospect I should of left him half naked on the side of the Hwy like he demanded at one point. so he could call the cops and tell them he was raped! I can't believe its taken him down like this. I decided not to call as I beat him pretty good. Yes it was self defense. I JUST dont want to deal with him anymore. and its all screwed up cause part of me is hoping he is ok. and the other part is who cares??!!!. I went for a 4 hr drive today to clear my head and talk some sense to myself. worked pretty good.
I am not worried about him harassing me. he went to jail 4 yrs ago for pretty much the same thing. Though at that time we made up as i believed it was all part of nervous breakdown he was having. He lost his license,home job. so i blamed all that on his behaviour not the alcohol. I know better now.
He doesn't have my number, he can't go to where i live. As of last summer i moved into a woman's building. they have support and counselling. I moved there because of his drinking back then. Even with all this support it STILL took this for me to break it off. so manipulative, charming,but i am seeing the ugly for what it is. whether he gets help or not. is not my business or concern anymore. and I KEEP having to remind myself of that. When i was with him i felt cheated from having a normal relationship. ALL the pent up anger came out yesterday on him. Its good enough for me. I won't hear from him except maybe in a email and i can block that too. I get off work earlier than him. I have nothing to worry about him.As LONG as he doesn't have my number i am good. Its more of a protection to me of me, then him. As each moment and hr goes by and read the forums etc. I feel stronger in my conviction and free of the hurt. i know i have work to do still and there well still be pain. but it won't kill me and i will make it through =)
I am not worried about him harassing me. he went to jail 4 yrs ago for pretty much the same thing. Though at that time we made up as i believed it was all part of nervous breakdown he was having. He lost his license,home job. so i blamed all that on his behaviour not the alcohol. I know better now.
He doesn't have my number, he can't go to where i live. As of last summer i moved into a woman's building. they have support and counselling. I moved there because of his drinking back then. Even with all this support it STILL took this for me to break it off. so manipulative, charming,but i am seeing the ugly for what it is. whether he gets help or not. is not my business or concern anymore. and I KEEP having to remind myself of that. When i was with him i felt cheated from having a normal relationship. ALL the pent up anger came out yesterday on him. Its good enough for me. I won't hear from him except maybe in a email and i can block that too. I get off work earlier than him. I have nothing to worry about him.As LONG as he doesn't have my number i am good. Its more of a protection to me of me, then him. As each moment and hr goes by and read the forums etc. I feel stronger in my conviction and free of the hurt. i know i have work to do still and there well still be pain. but it won't kill me and i will make it through =)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Macon, Georgia
Posts: 12
You are still in denial
Queensbean-
You are making excuses for his physical abuse. You are scared of getting in trouble for being around him??? If you are not, tell the police what happened and GET RESTRAINING ORDER!! Cause if this happens again, you both might end up in jail. My boyfriend is a binge drinker. He put his hands to me once, the next time I thought he might, I slapped the black off his face and kicked him in the a $ $ until he ran into my wall, I now have a big whole there. I was proud of myself, but also sad that I hurt him- but he knows what I am capable of. But I couldv'e went to jail with him!!! And I ruined my apartment! I am about to leave him
You are making excuses for his physical abuse. You are scared of getting in trouble for being around him??? If you are not, tell the police what happened and GET RESTRAINING ORDER!! Cause if this happens again, you both might end up in jail. My boyfriend is a binge drinker. He put his hands to me once, the next time I thought he might, I slapped the black off his face and kicked him in the a $ $ until he ran into my wall, I now have a big whole there. I was proud of myself, but also sad that I hurt him- but he knows what I am capable of. But I couldv'e went to jail with him!!! And I ruined my apartment! I am about to leave him
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: vancouver British columbia
Posts: 8
bettyboopfan201
I am not making excuses for his behaviour. i am not scared of getting in trouble for being around him as I WON'T be around him. I changed my # etc.
Though today I did go to the police station. The whole way there I was back and forth. I called my Mom and asked her honest opinion. she was very neutral and felt it was all up to me. and it was. When I parked the car at the station. I still wasn't sure if I was doing this for me or for him. I said a little prayer and asked God to give me a sign either way. So i went up to the doors and guess what? they are closed until Tuesday! So i took that as a pretty good sign that I wasn't doing it for the right reasons.
LEt me clarify what I meant when I said I wasn't sure if I was doing it for me or for him. The whole back and forth was all about him. The focus was on him. Would he lose his job? where would they arrest him? Would this be his bottom and get him better or would this make him get worse? I wasn't even in the focus. I feel if I am goin to the police about any abuse its because i need help...I need protection etc. I dont NEED any of this. YES he is an abusive alcoholic. mentally, emotionally and physically. I also know what he is not...a stalker. he likes to drunk dial...only when he's drunk will he contact people out of the blue or go their place. He does not have my number and he can't get in to where I live. I know this man inside out and I know me. i have temptation of course. BUT I lived the merry go round. I see the pattern and apparently i needed this to really shake me to see the reality of what I was dealing with. But i do appreciate the concerns =)
I am not making excuses for his behaviour. i am not scared of getting in trouble for being around him as I WON'T be around him. I changed my # etc.
Though today I did go to the police station. The whole way there I was back and forth. I called my Mom and asked her honest opinion. she was very neutral and felt it was all up to me. and it was. When I parked the car at the station. I still wasn't sure if I was doing this for me or for him. I said a little prayer and asked God to give me a sign either way. So i went up to the doors and guess what? they are closed until Tuesday! So i took that as a pretty good sign that I wasn't doing it for the right reasons.
LEt me clarify what I meant when I said I wasn't sure if I was doing it for me or for him. The whole back and forth was all about him. The focus was on him. Would he lose his job? where would they arrest him? Would this be his bottom and get him better or would this make him get worse? I wasn't even in the focus. I feel if I am goin to the police about any abuse its because i need help...I need protection etc. I dont NEED any of this. YES he is an abusive alcoholic. mentally, emotionally and physically. I also know what he is not...a stalker. he likes to drunk dial...only when he's drunk will he contact people out of the blue or go their place. He does not have my number and he can't get in to where I live. I know this man inside out and I know me. i have temptation of course. BUT I lived the merry go round. I see the pattern and apparently i needed this to really shake me to see the reality of what I was dealing with. But i do appreciate the concerns =)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Macon, Georgia
Posts: 12
I apologize
I am so sorry I was talking to myself...let me explain. My boyfriend is on my couch, passed out, yet again...I need to detach. I was angry with myself last night and projected it towards you because I need to let go...tonight some strange guys came knocking on my door because they had my boyfriend in their car!! Worse- they live in my apartment building!! Whomever was looking out their windows or getting in or out of their cars tonight, saw two men basically carrying his drunk butt into my apartment. He was supposed to bring my keys, and didn't, so I cant get into my mailbox, or lock my apartment!!! He missed work. etc.... Please forgive me, I didn't mean to judge or be bossy, I am embarrassed.
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