My sons disapointment....and realizing that Im not at all
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My sons disapointment....and realizing that Im not at all
No more of the STBXRAH...since divorce was final last week he is now officially XRAH....his title has gotten shorter, and with this post is should probably be even shorter but who knows...
He "has" 3 yrs sober. 18 months ago, when he told me he wanted a divorce and I discovered the affair, I went to our home to get my stuff while he was at work. There was beer in the fridge. Not his "brand" but beer all the same and I left him a note letting him know if he needed anything I would be there to help (typical co dependent idiot) He laughed when he got the note and said it wasn't his it was for his friends when they came over.
I thought it was strange that a RA would buy beer for his friends but hey...
fast forward about a year and my son is constantly upset that the few times he does go to see his dad there is always half cases of beer in the fridge which he says are for his gf...again not his brand but a lot of beer for a RA to have. I tell my son that its not his problem , that he cant control it and its his dads life, hes an adult. the XRA tells me that he has started hiding the beer in the garage when our son is coming (I couldn't believe he didn't hear how ridiculous that sounded but again, hey) son finds beer and gets angrier...It all sounds so familiar.
XRAH has continued to
He "has" 3 yrs sober. 18 months ago, when he told me he wanted a divorce and I discovered the affair, I went to our home to get my stuff while he was at work. There was beer in the fridge. Not his "brand" but beer all the same and I left him a note letting him know if he needed anything I would be there to help (typical co dependent idiot) He laughed when he got the note and said it wasn't his it was for his friends when they came over.
I thought it was strange that a RA would buy beer for his friends but hey...
fast forward about a year and my son is constantly upset that the few times he does go to see his dad there is always half cases of beer in the fridge which he says are for his gf...again not his brand but a lot of beer for a RA to have. I tell my son that its not his problem , that he cant control it and its his dads life, hes an adult. the XRA tells me that he has started hiding the beer in the garage when our son is coming (I couldn't believe he didn't hear how ridiculous that sounded but again, hey) son finds beer and gets angrier...It all sounds so familiar.
XRAH has continued to
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oops....hit wrong button 
XRAH has continued to "celebrate" his bday in AA and makes big announcements on his sober day to everyone, gets lots of pats on the back.
last week while son was there he finds beer cans (his brand this time) in a bag and stuffed in the garbage.
And you know what bothered me the most? That our son has taken up my spot and is looking threw the garbage to "catch" his dad drinking. Im more shocked that I actually was buying that he had all that beer and was dating a drinker and didn't drink...I don't know really maybe hes not...I don't care. but I care that my son feels the need to check up on him....been there done that. don't want that for him.
XRAH has continued to "celebrate" his bday in AA and makes big announcements on his sober day to everyone, gets lots of pats on the back.
last week while son was there he finds beer cans (his brand this time) in a bag and stuffed in the garbage.
And you know what bothered me the most? That our son has taken up my spot and is looking threw the garbage to "catch" his dad drinking. Im more shocked that I actually was buying that he had all that beer and was dating a drinker and didn't drink...I don't know really maybe hes not...I don't care. but I care that my son feels the need to check up on him....been there done that. don't want that for him.
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Would your son be willing to consider going to Alateen, or maybe even Al-Anon? Probably best if he doesn't go to YOUR group--he might feel free-er to speak.
If not, he still might benefit from reading some of the literature. Understanding the disease, and our responses to it, is one of the keys to recovery.
If not, he still might benefit from reading some of the literature. Understanding the disease, and our responses to it, is one of the keys to recovery.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear my3sonsnme, I understand your concern and can relate to your feelings.
How can y ou get help for your son as he struggles with the effects of his father's alcoholism? Don't try to be the "therapist" yourself.
Can you discuss how to help your son with a knowlegable psychologist/therapist?? Is there any way you can get him to alateen. Alateen would be as helpful for him as alanon is for us adult "walking wounded".
sincerely, dandylion
How can y ou get help for your son as he struggles with the effects of his father's alcoholism? Don't try to be the "therapist" yourself.
Can you discuss how to help your son with a knowlegable psychologist/therapist?? Is there any way you can get him to alateen. Alateen would be as helpful for him as alanon is for us adult "walking wounded".
sincerely, dandylion
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When I started Al anon I had him go to al ateen...he didn't want to but I told him he had to go to 6 and then if he didn't want to it was his choice. he went to 6 and then didn't want to go to any more. I got him the daily alateen reader and left it in his room and that was the end of it. Ive hoped that my example would lead him...he sees me go to my meetings and sees me doing my reading all the time.
As Ive posted before he has been through a 12 week chemical dependency program and is very aware of the steps. Hes young and immature...He hasn't grasped the whole thing.
He just does not trust his dad and is determined to "catch" him in any lie he can. He will then vent at me but not say anything to his dad...which I tell him would not matter anyway. His dads life is not in his control.
As Ive posted before he has been through a 12 week chemical dependency program and is very aware of the steps. Hes young and immature...He hasn't grasped the whole thing.
He just does not trust his dad and is determined to "catch" him in any lie he can. He will then vent at me but not say anything to his dad...which I tell him would not matter anyway. His dads life is not in his control.
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You need to sit down with your son and talk with him about what he is doing - it doesn't help to go through the trash or to look for proof. Truthfully Dad is the Parent (albeit maybe not a great one) yet Son is taking on a parental role. Its unhealthy as hell.
He's drinking again. All the signs are there. It won't be long till he won't bother with hiding the beer. Expect an announcement soon that he is not an alcoholic and never was.
He's drinking again. All the signs are there. It won't be long till he won't bother with hiding the beer. Expect an announcement soon that he is not an alcoholic and never was.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Please talk with a child psychologist about how to help your son. He is struggling--very hard--but, he can be helped so that he doesn't carry permanent wounds from this.
You have to be careful not to get sucked into some unhealthy dynamics, yourself (unwittingly, of course). You are in an ungodly position. The objectivity and experience of a professional would be of enormous help for your son. (my opinion, of course.)
I am being so forward because my heart is "bleeding" for your boy.
sincerely, dandylion
You have to be careful not to get sucked into some unhealthy dynamics, yourself (unwittingly, of course). You are in an ungodly position. The objectivity and experience of a professional would be of enormous help for your son. (my opinion, of course.)
I am being so forward because my heart is "bleeding" for your boy.
sincerely, dandylion
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dandylion I so appreciate your concern...I am sick over him.
He sees a therapist and I have asked him many times about this...at our last meeting he told me it was time for me to step back and let him fall on his face. He has never addressed (with me anyway) the effects of his dads problems on him. He goes to a teen group every week but I have seen no help from it.
This therapist is the same therapist who ran his dads group when he did the chemical dependency program for 18 months at our medical facility. He runs the teen group also.
I didn't tell him about the digging through garbage and plan on making a call to him this week to discuss.
Its obvious to me that my son is in pain and am not sure why it is not obvious to him...He told me at this last meeting that I need to let go and that he will probably end up in the system and maybe that is what he needs....Im conflicted about the whole thing.
He sees a therapist and I have asked him many times about this...at our last meeting he told me it was time for me to step back and let him fall on his face. He has never addressed (with me anyway) the effects of his dads problems on him. He goes to a teen group every week but I have seen no help from it.
This therapist is the same therapist who ran his dads group when he did the chemical dependency program for 18 months at our medical facility. He runs the teen group also.
I didn't tell him about the digging through garbage and plan on making a call to him this week to discuss.
Its obvious to me that my son is in pain and am not sure why it is not obvious to him...He told me at this last meeting that I need to let go and that he will probably end up in the system and maybe that is what he needs....Im conflicted about the whole thing.
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Dear my3sonsnme, I hear your frustration. This "therapist" may well be very good in the area of chemical dependency.
However, children are not the same as adults. I believe when a child is demonstrating psychic pain that it is time for the guidance of those professionals who are experienced with CHILDREN. I would seek a classically trained PH.D. adolescent psychologist--at least for you to talk to about how to help him.
I am suspicious of the statement that the system is what he needs---The system is not designed to be therapeutic---it is usually designed for punishment. Look at the millions of people housed in our jails and prisons. They are usually made worse by the "system"!!!
There is n othing to be gained by avoiding the professionals. Your son's future may well be on the line.
You have my deepest empathy--believe me!!
dandylion
However, children are not the same as adults. I believe when a child is demonstrating psychic pain that it is time for the guidance of those professionals who are experienced with CHILDREN. I would seek a classically trained PH.D. adolescent psychologist--at least for you to talk to about how to help him.
I am suspicious of the statement that the system is what he needs---The system is not designed to be therapeutic---it is usually designed for punishment. Look at the millions of people housed in our jails and prisons. They are usually made worse by the "system"!!!
There is n othing to be gained by avoiding the professionals. Your son's future may well be on the line.
You have my deepest empathy--believe me!!
dandylion
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I work at a high school...the kids I work with are all from low income areas, broken homes and addict families. They are in the system...Ive seen them enter the system and get out of the system and it did not help a single one of them. I told him this...I told him it makes them worse and bitter.
This discussion was right in front of his father...who had nothing to say. I am frustrated beyond belief. At this point Im just hoping to get him through until our plan to move closer to my family at the end of the school year. At least I will have support and my uncle and brother can be an example for him...and gramma can love on him some.
This discussion was right in front of his father...who had nothing to say. I am frustrated beyond belief. At this point Im just hoping to get him through until our plan to move closer to my family at the end of the school year. At least I will have support and my uncle and brother can be an example for him...and gramma can love on him some.
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I have a different opinion so please take what you want and leave the rest!
IMO, your son maybe very confused by his fathers behavior and can not make sense of his "sobriety" Your ex's behaviors have never sounded, from what you have shared, like he is in recovery.
I would be more concerned about the mixed messages this is sending to your son about his supposed recovery. What is recovery looking like from your son's point of view? Get sober and treat everyone like crap??? Maybe finding out your ex is possibly (and most likely, IMO) a fraud will help clarify some his actions for your son and you. If I was your son, I think recovery would scare or turn me away too.
When their addiction is threatened, we become the enemy - in many cases!
IMO, your son maybe very confused by his fathers behavior and can not make sense of his "sobriety" Your ex's behaviors have never sounded, from what you have shared, like he is in recovery.
I would be more concerned about the mixed messages this is sending to your son about his supposed recovery. What is recovery looking like from your son's point of view? Get sober and treat everyone like crap??? Maybe finding out your ex is possibly (and most likely, IMO) a fraud will help clarify some his actions for your son and you. If I was your son, I think recovery would scare or turn me away too.
When their addiction is threatened, we become the enemy - in many cases!
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I can imagine that my son is confused about his fathers behavior..IM confused about his fathers behavior. We actually had a talk about that the other day, that he sees his dad in "recovery" but also sees the anger and lies and the way he treats everything around him with disrespect. (his words)
We need to move on from this, I just don't know how. We will have a few days or maybe a week of peace and then his dad pulls both of us back in to this dysfunctional chaos. I don't know how to move on as long as we are forced to maintain a relationship with an alcoholic. Even after the meeting the other night and him saying he is not interested in doing anything to improve the situation....I leave there thinking ok good...at least now I know where we stand. Then he sends a text yesterday saying Happy Easter and to tell our son the same. Well, why bother to do that ??? I mean its crazy to me to sit in a room and say the things he did and then send that message.
I guess the only way to move on is to except that this crazy behavior is what we have to expect and except and go from there.....
I hate that my son has to "adapt" to that life, and that the person I raised him with for all those years doesn't see how damaging it is.
I realized yesterday that my son has a whole life ahead of him of disappointment and confusion...birthdays, graduation, when he gets married...has babies. This man,being his father, is always going to be present ..physically or mentally and from the looks of things will not be a positive presence....that breaks my heart. And makes me very angry at myself of the decisions I made that put him in that position.
We need to move on from this, I just don't know how. We will have a few days or maybe a week of peace and then his dad pulls both of us back in to this dysfunctional chaos. I don't know how to move on as long as we are forced to maintain a relationship with an alcoholic. Even after the meeting the other night and him saying he is not interested in doing anything to improve the situation....I leave there thinking ok good...at least now I know where we stand. Then he sends a text yesterday saying Happy Easter and to tell our son the same. Well, why bother to do that ??? I mean its crazy to me to sit in a room and say the things he did and then send that message.
I guess the only way to move on is to except that this crazy behavior is what we have to expect and except and go from there.....
I hate that my son has to "adapt" to that life, and that the person I raised him with for all those years doesn't see how damaging it is.
I realized yesterday that my son has a whole life ahead of him of disappointment and confusion...birthdays, graduation, when he gets married...has babies. This man,being his father, is always going to be present ..physically or mentally and from the looks of things will not be a positive presence....that breaks my heart. And makes me very angry at myself of the decisions I made that put him in that position.
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I think part of the very difficult job of parenting a child with the other parent being dysfunctional is realizing that we have to help our child achieve the maturity to see his other parent as he/she really is, not as we would like him/her to be, and not as our child would like him/her to be.
My now grown children have realized that their biological father, my first husband, meant well but never really delivered. I made the mistake of trying to cover for him so that my kids weren't hurt as much. I should have just let the chips fall where their dad let them drop.
I should have called a spade a spade way back then. I think it would have been better for me not to do what their dad wanted such as go to the effort of buying the kids gifts from him, and just let him buy them or not.
I think I could have conveyed much better and much earlier the truth that their dad did love them, wanted to love, but just wasn't able to deliver. Then they would have known that it wasn't them, it wasn't their fault, and they weren't somehow deficient to not receive the love they deserved. My son got that quite young, but my daughter suffered feeling inadequate much longer.
So the question is, I think, how do you let your son experience what happens with his dad the way it actually happens, feel those feelings, and then begin to understand that he is worthy despite his dad's failure.
ShootingStar1
My now grown children have realized that their biological father, my first husband, meant well but never really delivered. I made the mistake of trying to cover for him so that my kids weren't hurt as much. I should have just let the chips fall where their dad let them drop.
I should have called a spade a spade way back then. I think it would have been better for me not to do what their dad wanted such as go to the effort of buying the kids gifts from him, and just let him buy them or not.
I think I could have conveyed much better and much earlier the truth that their dad did love them, wanted to love, but just wasn't able to deliver. Then they would have known that it wasn't them, it wasn't their fault, and they weren't somehow deficient to not receive the love they deserved. My son got that quite young, but my daughter suffered feeling inadequate much longer.
So the question is, I think, how do you let your son experience what happens with his dad the way it actually happens, feel those feelings, and then begin to understand that he is worthy despite his dad's failure.
ShootingStar1
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That's strange shootingstar...his therapist said something along those lines the other night...I was so angry I kind of didn't get it but have been thinking about it since I read your post...thank you...that is really making a lot of sense to me tonight..
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