pravchaw

Great post. The key to happiness inspite of the addiction of our loved one is compassionate detachment.

Charlie529

I feel all those things too, but mostly really sad about it all, Ohio dad. Sad and wondering what the hell I've been thinking all these years to stay with her. I've only recently realized that she's an alcoholic, but she's been cold and distant to me for years. What's wrong with me, forget about her.

I'm gong to help her any way I can for our 8 year old daughters sake, and if things don't improve with her drinking get custody of her and move. If she does find sobriety and is still distant to me, than ill move on.

Seren

No, it certainly doesn't go away overnight. Perhaps your IL's are so overjoyed that he is actually, finally going through detox that they believe this will be his magic cure. What most of us here understand is that this is just the beginning of a very long process--and that is only if he decides to stay on this path.

Your decision when to let him back in--if ever is entirely up to you. Your own healing is very important, too, and since he's in detox, and if he is going to rehab, he's in the hands of professionals. Please take good care of yourself!

Seren

Pretty much exactly what Lexie said. Feeling compassion for someone does not mean putting yourself in harms way or allowing yourself to be taken advantage of...

Many of you may not have read my whole story, but my stepson became very threatening while using crack. He threatened to kill two members of his own family. He was evicted from his father's home and many things were moved to a safety deposit box and the alarm codes and door locks were changed once he was out.

Frankly, I did not have much (maybe none) compassion for the young man at that time.

kasie

This is a fantastic post! I love it!

It's difficult turning resentment into compassion. Particularly when the A doesn't appreciate/realise all you have done for them, how much hurt they've caused and just assume that one or two days of sobriety fixes everything - without an apology.

That being said, staying resentful doesn't affect the A - the selfishness they demonstrate means that they can't see beyond their needs, wants and circumstances. We forgive so we can have peace. If they find it too, that's great - but it's not the primary driver of us demonstrating compassion and forgiveness.

LifeRecovery

Thanks for the post Seren.

The part that stuck our for me on this post was that it has been a process for most of us to get there....with a lot of learning along the way. It is the learning that is important, that we are all capable of getting there.

The second part was that part of the learning for me was that I needed to have compassion for myself, first. Then I could have it for another struggling. Not that I did everything perfectly, but that I was a work in progress. I was my harshest critic, and it took me a long time to come to understand that I was not "intrinsically" bad and thus deserved to have a person struggling with an addiction in my life.

Once I had some compassion for me, it was easier to take the show on the road and have it for another.

Dublin

I can relate to that my RA is getting so much support for doing 60 days and I find myself resenting that. He's doing what he should have done years ago and where's my parade for putting up with it all? Thank you for this thread reminding me to have compassion. Some time ago I worked with homeless men and I could feel compassion for each of them. Need to apply it closer to home now.

choublak

I noticed you said your stepson started drinking at the age of 13? Do you know how and why he started drinking at such a young age?

Seren

I don't know, choublak. I was not around then. Mr. S and I were married about 3 1/2 years ago, and my stepson is now in his early 30s.

bailey17

I love this post! And it came at the perfect time. I've been struggling to let go of the resentment I feel towards my xabf. It's not debilitating, but nonetheless the anger is still there. its like im still letting him hurt me by holding onto to this. i practice every day, and pray to God that I will be able to forgive this man and move on, because it seems that this resentment I am carrying is holding me back. It seems as though you had an "a ha" moment which I long for... But this post reinstates my hope for healing. Thank you.

choublak

He threatened to kill family members? Wow.

One of my friends volunteers at a Safe House for abused women and children. I went there to visit once and I don't think the residents had resentment or compassion, just fear.

LexieCat

Fear is an appropriate response when one is threatened. It's a clue that you need to do something for your own safety. Working through the emotions is something that usually happens after the immediate threat is over. It takes time to process what happened.

Safety has to come first. Physical and emotional safety. Only then can someone afford to work toward compassion and/or forgiveness. Which should not be confused with forgetting what happened or excusing it.

pixilation

I try really hard to have compassion for STBX, when he texted me two months ago, suicidal, I had enough compassion for him to call the VA(he's a patient there) and let their social workers know something was going on, and they called in a welfare check on him.

Yet at the same time, I resented him for filling my phone with MORE text messages, blaming me still. So I do still have work to do I guess.

Seren

In a dangerous situation, fear is definitely the first emotion, in my experience.

Once at a safe distance, then the compassion can come. But it did take some time.

Bailey, I think my 'a-ha' moment was more like a process. Continuing to extend the compassion I have to include my stepson is ongoing, but it did start with those two encounters.

DesertEyes

You all want I should make this thread a sticky?

Mike

Trinidad

D?o you think it's easier to feel compassion for someone you gave birth to as opposed to married? As a mom, I think there is the "parent" thing that gives you grief when you are trying to get someone to be responsible. In a marriage, you aren't the parent and damn it- they should be responsible for their own actions. Also- as a sibling, wouldn't it be harder to feel that compassion because of being on equal ground this this brother/sister, and not being a user, you would have a whole different set of standards applied to you? So many different senerios-

LexieCat

Compassion doesn't mean excusing their actions. It is just a recognition that they are suffering, too.

Compassion can relieve the anger and hatred we can build up inside us. Those can adversely affect people who aren't responsible for what happened. Letting go of the negative emotions keeps us open to others. It shouldn't make us careless about who we let into our lives, but it can keep us from putting up walls that prevent us from making healthy, loving connections with other people.

DesertEyes

Done stickied under "Classic Reading"

Mike

onceuponatime2

I've thought about this many times. My husband has been an alcoholic ever since I have known him. Besides being in denial when I first met him, I think I felt pity for him.

Many years later on the merry go round of alcoholism that turned into anger. I even embraced my anger thinking that it would get me through because I felt so beaten down. Finally, I saw that it wasn't helping me, rather it was hurting me.

To be honest, I think that I was/am just as angry at myself as I was/am at him. I've been thinking a lot lately about forgiveness and how it affects my life. Not only forgiving the alcoholic in my life for all the things that he has done and continues to do. But, also myself for tolerating the unacceptable. Hopefully, I will arrive at compassion soon for him and myself.

choublak

Well I was with a binge drinker, so for awhile it looked like he was getting drunk on purpose or something.