pattyG

Well, I let the babysitter go yesterday. She was very gracious and said she understood. i cried and she seemed relieved to be out of the middle of my AXGF and me. We agreed to stay friends and she would come and see the kids...so it was finalizing..but positive. I felt (and still feel) drained by the emotional toll this has taken. There are times I feel like the dog who hates the leash and just digs in his heels and pulls! Too much change!!
The one thing this site helps me with so much is to STAY FOCUSED ON THE DISEASE. I realize in time the focus with be on me, but right now...I need to be constantly reminded how horrible this disease is for the family living with it. There make be some nice "family" photos of her and the kids doing fun things...but that doesn't reflect the whole story. It is so easy to focus on the other stuff and ignore the disease of alcoholism. Why does that matter? because the only true cure for the problems we face as a couple and a family is for her to embrace sobriety and not drink again. And because she has gone to such lengths to take the focus off her drinking and put them on something (anything!) else...it is unlikely to be fixed. I am focusing on myself and my disease of codependency. I am focusing on my children and making sure they are doing well and thriving. I am getting counseling to help me with my problems. I am praying to God for direction and peace. What is the A doing? Drinking. Alot. Focusing all her energy and anger on hating me and trying to win the kids in court. Blaming me for this situation. Accusing me of stealing her Easter with them. Trying to get sympathy from her facebook friends about how bad I am for stealing "her kids". Nothing at all that will fix us -her and I or this family. I have to focus on the actions. Not my fantasy of what was (but really never was...just my wants/hopes/desires for us and a couple).
I am strong, I will survive this, I will come out better in the end...I know it. The process is hard, but everything worthwhile takes effort.