devastated1

Hi. My 23 year old son is a severe alcoholic. He has been through several outpatient programs, 2 inpatient ad none worked. We thought he finally hit bottom and he's now in another inpatient rehab. His therapist strongly thinks he needs to go to sober living home after his 30 days because of the severity of his alcoholism and so I told him that is the only way I'd support him. He completely freaked out and says he's leaving and he'd rather be homeless. I'm thinking if he really wanted it bad enough he'd go to sober living. Has anyone else had experience with this? Is 30 days enough? My gut is telling me he's not ready. The past 3 weeks while he's been in rehab have been the most peaceful days I've had in a long time. I can't stand the thought of going back to how it was. I am interested in any advice!

marshallzhukov

Hi devestated,

I am sorry to hear about your situation but I am glad to know that you managed to get your son into treatment for at least 30 days.

Aftercare is frequently recommended as most addiction care professionals like to see those suffering from addiction - including alcoholism - go into a sober living environment after an intensive treatment program so they can re-integrate back into society and put to use some of the tools they have learned during rehab that help them stay sober.

It does not sound like your son is fully ready for sobriety yet, because if he was then he would be grasping at this opportunity to support his recovery and not have to face the alternative which is homelessness. My guess is that when he went into treatment it was his intention to "show" that he could be sober if he wanted to but that this is not a long term adjustment he is ready to make yet.

The most important thing is - what are you going to do to protect yourself? What boundaries do you have in place? If he chooses to not follow up with sober living and return to active addiction, will you be there to support him? I think that these are things you need to think through before he gets out because your boundaries are truthfully the only things you have the power to control in your situation.

Have you managed to get to al-anon? That is a great resource for people with addicted loved ones and you can be sure to get some F2F support there if there is a meeting in your area.

CeciliaV

Devestated, I know your pain, and I'm so sorry. My husband also has been to a couple outpatient programs, then a month-long stint in rehab, and he was back to drinking within a few days because he couldn't or didn't want to work a program and learn to function in the outside world. He's now going back to rehab again and I have the same concerns about when he gets out. I've communicated to him what my boundaries are, and he's not welcome in the home if he is not actively working on sobriety & recovery.

I know it's harsh and hard to do, but we have to save ourselves, and we can't do that when we're constantly trying to save someone else. I'm learning that. If you're not willing to have him in the home fresh out of rehab, then he will have to either find someplace else to live or go to a sober living house. But it is up to you to decide what your own boundaries are.

I'm glad you've been able to find some peace in these 3 weeks he's been at rehab, and I hope you can find peace moving forward. Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.l

Eddiebuckle

Dev,

I'm sorry you are struggling with this, but it seems that you have mistaken treatment for recovery.

He has been through several outpatient programs, 2 inpatient ad none worked.

No addiction treatment regimen will work without the active participation of the patient. Rehab is essentially a "pause" where the addict/alcoholic is removed from actively using and given the opportunity to learn how to deal with the addiction.
Unfortunately, the above does not make it sound like your son understands or accepts his situation. He is an alcoholic and likely will never be able to drink again without ending up exactly where he left off. That is the nature of the beast, this is a disease that makes you think you are not sick.

When and if your son is ready and willing to address his addiction, he will have to commit to his recovery as though his life depends on it. Where he lives, the things he does, people he chooses to associate with and the places he goes will all fall into one of two categories: taking him away from the last drink or leading him to the next. There is no half way in this, especially during early recovery.

And most importantly, although you can lend suport to him in this endeavor, you have no control over whether it will suceed or fail. That is why you will see responses that suggest Al Anon - alcoholism is a disease that distorts relationships and how people who love one another interact. Al anon is a place where you can learn to break the cycle of interaction that unconsciously works hand in glove with the active alcoholic/addict.

I wish you all the best, be kind to yourself and know that in the end your son has to commit to his recovery before any significant change will occur in his life.

HopefulmomtoD

Where does he go after the 30 days? to your house? At this point, after all I've been through with my RAS, I'd probably tell your son "Do what you want, but you are not coming to my house and I'm not giving you any money."

Sober living is probably the way to go for the best chance of success. And, every rehab seems to recommend it. But, some succeed without it.

My son's first 30 day rehab was almost a year ago. He did not want to go to sober living- we made him go (at considerable expense). He came home after six months and was drinking within the month. Went back to rehab, and this time has just done AA meetings daily and is working with a sponsor. He's got close to 3 months sober and is back at home.

I guess my point is- who knows? Its not going to work if your DS is not committed to working at sobriety. Sometimes I wish I had all the money we spent last year back because it doesn't seem like it helped. Or, maybe it did?

What are YOUR boundaries? I can pretty much guarantee if you bring him home, he will be drinking again soon. I guess if he says he'd rather be homeless, I'd believe him.

I'm so sorry. I know the pain you have endured with your DS's struggle.

devastated1

Thank you. He seemed to really want help when he went in but he seems so anxious to get out that it worries me. He doesn't want to come home and live with us. He wants to go back to his apartment and be on his own. He was so severe that he had several seizures in detox and spent a couple nights in the hospital. He lost his job because of drinking at work so he has nothing there and no money. I can't understand why he would rather be on the streets instead of go to a sober living home.

CeciliaV

The hold alcohol has is a strong one. The simple fact of the matter is that A's will do whatever it takes to drink (i.e., live on the streets instead of a sober living home) unless/until they are ready to do whatever it takes to stay sober and work their recovery.

devastated1

Hopefulmom,
So your son went to sober living? My son wanted rehab and checked himself in but now seems to be wanting out. His therapist says that the cravings are strong after 3 weeks. He says my son's alcoholism is severe and needs sober living. He doesn't want to live with us and will have no support if he goes back to his apartment. So you think I shouldn't waste the money on sober living if he doesn't want to go? It's so hard......How do we know when he is serious about not drinking? There have been so many lies and it is so hard to trust.

Pelican

When will you know he is serious about not drinking?

When he decides to seek recovery on his own. When he grabs hold of recovery with both hands as if it is all that is keeping him from falling off a cliff. When he wants to start living.

Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.

I am also in recovery from marriage to an alcoholic.

I can share a post here on SR that helps you determine when your loved one is not embracing recovery:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html

petmagnet

Hi, I too have been thru the 30 day rehab program with a loved one. My AH was drinking within 4 days of leaving and he hasn't looked back. As someone else said, the 30 days is a break in their cycle long enough to give them tools needed to be able to work on staying sober on the outside. BUT, they have to have the willingness to use the tools in the toolbox. My AH was forced into rehab, not by me, but for another reason. It was not desired by him at all, even though he claimed he knew he needed to quit etc. He went thru the motions of "trying" to quit for a while when he got out, but was/is completely complacent about it all in reality. My first question would be, did your son want to go to rehab for himself? Sad as it is, some alcoholics will never quit until they decide to on their own. I honestly believe it will never work for my AH until he decides it for himself. Even if he'd done sober living, I don't think it would have stuck. I still live with my AH, but I have taken a big step back on even suggesting anything. I think it's important for u to set boundaries your comfortable with and decide what is in your best interest at this point, and how far your willing to go to support him. I know this is your child and it has to be utterly heartbreaking. This disease really stinks.

HopefulmomtoD

It is really hard. As I said, we spent a lot of money on sober living. He did not want to go and fought it hard the whole time he was there. (Wanted to get back to a girlfriend.) I don't know what I would do again. Possibly look for a cheaper route? He drank within a month- so was it a failure or did he learn a lot of things that he is applying today?

Do you have the money to waste? Recovery (I've learned ....) is a journey and not many get it the first time (or second or third, etc.) Personally, we won't spend money again. Many here recommend the Salvation Army rehab and its free. There are some other Christian based that are very low cost.

Rehabs really push for sober living- in my son's original rehab (when we were really naive to how it worked) they pushed hard and all of their recommendations were shockingly expensive. We were in shock at the time at the amount we paid for 30 days and now they wanted us to pay more? There were five young adults in our family group. One went to a half way house upon discharge and relapsed immediately. Three went to expensive out of state sober living- two relapsed within a month or two of returning to the real world. The other one committed to staying in sober living a year having failed in previous rehab attempt. The fifth one did a combo of sober living/intense therapy and also failed in a couple of months. Looking at the success/failure rates, I'm kind of shocked how hard they push parents to spend money that many don't have. I've heard of parents spending their entire retirements or equity in their homes.

I don't know what the answer is but in my experience the rehab industry really pushes parents to spend money telling them its the only way - and I'm not so sure the success rates are that much better than finding a sponsor and working the steps in AA.

I think as hard as it is, you are going to have to let him choose his life. At least he's not begging to come home. Our son, would beg and make promises, etc- he just wanted to come home. This last time, my DS was completely different with how hard he has worked at recovery. This time its not me pushing him and telling him what he needs to do, must do, etc. This time HE is doing it- (and it still could fail)

The other thing- my son's experience in rehabs/sober livings have been that most other residents (99%) were opiate addicted. And, even though all addiction is similar- I think its different in some ways. I'm not sure if my DS would have done better with something with more alcoholic residents.

HopefulmomtoD

I also wanted to add that its not the I'm against sober living- not at all. I think it most likely gives someone the best chance at recovery. And, with young adults, it gives you some time to get them a little more mature. It kept my son alive- and before he went- like you- I was afraid he was going to die from his alcoholism.

Sober living isn't a miracle by any means and I would not spend money I didn't have, but it may be the best shot some of these kids have at getting their lives on track.

Seren

My stepson has been an alcoholic and crack addict for many years. He started drinking when he was about 13. He has been in and out of jail and did one stint in the state prison. Last October, his friends/roommates went out of town for a wedding, and when they came back--found him wandering the streets in the cold and he did not know where he was or what he was doing. They took him to the ER.

Mr. HG and I went to see him because the last time he was in the hospital, the doctors said he would not survive anothe round. He did...and asked about going to rehab. He went for 30 days, and then he went to a sober living environment.

About 2 weeks ago, he moved out because 'he did not think he could afford it'--we agreed to pay for only so long until he got a job. He did get a job, but his moving out was a relapse waiting to happen. We believe he is drinking again.

I certainly can't tell you what you should do. I suppose the bottom line is that it really will not benefit your son, or my stepson, unless they really are 100% committed to sobriety. I thought my stepson was, but it turns out not so much...

You and your son will be in my prayers.

HopefulmomtoD

Sad news, hydrogirl. I was hoping this was it for him.

Seren

Thank you! Yes, we were, too. There just are not guarantees. This is a brutal, heartless disease.

Hopeworks

Hi Devastated1,

So sorry you are going through this but I have been there and can relate.

The battlefield for addiction is in the mind and heart of the alcoholic... rehabs, halfway houses and sober living are just geography. They do help...because they are at least surrounding by sobriety and do hear about tools of recovery. Some are expensive, some are inexpensive and some are free. Not all are created equal... some inexpensive are better than the most expensive. It is hard to sort it all out as it is an industry that sells itself...

My XA was a chronic relapse and master manipulator. For the first few years I danced when he pulled my codie strings. He went in and out of detoxes, rehabs, sober living houses and of course, hospitals with BAC over 50% on a number of occasions.

In my work I refer families to programs and sober living houses so I am familiar with many of them in my home state. The men and women who "make it" are WILLING (step one) to do whatever it takes.

UNWILLINGNESS and refusal to take the advice of loved ones and/or sponsors regarding life decisions in early sobriety is a huge red flag. Huge.

Red flags are not party favors. The goal is stop collected them. As codie family members we need to recocnize the red flag and state our boundary. I stop collecting the red flags and trying to convince myself that it was not a red flag (denial).

Once we learn how to draw OUR line in the sand (they are free to live on the street if they so choose) and state our boundary and not feel guilty for doing so we are getting better and we are HELPING the A. Allowing them to manipulate us as they used to do so successfully harms their recovery (in my opinion).

My boundary was NO ALCOHOL (not in my home nor in my life) and that was that. That boundary and enforcing it set me free. Learning to trust my XA's HP and my own HP to resolve everything else was very freeing.

Most detoxes and rehabs toy with the 12 steps but do not want or allow their clients to go beyond step 3 while there. The most critical element in recovery is getting a good (no nonsense and cant be bsed) sponsor, working (really working) the steps honestly and going to a LOT of meetings in early sobriety. Sleeping in a halfway house is ok and recommended but in the end it is only geography as there is alcohol everywhere in our world. On every street corner and on billboards etc, etc, etc...

If they get thirsty they will drink. period. Willingness. He ain't got it yet. Big red flag.

Boundaries are for you. He is either going to drink or not. He is sounding like he is thirsty right now (he is an A!) and you can help him best by being strong, establishing boundaries for you and then he can make his choices.

It is his life to live or lose. The 3 c's.

Good luck. (Oh...after 4 years of collecting red flags as party favors and being in and out of hospitals, rehabs and jails with my XA he is in Vegas hooting, hollering, drinking and gambling like a fool... because he is a fool. He chose to pick up a drink even though he VERY well knew how to treat his addiction. It is what he wanted and all my hovering, helicoptering, worrying, supporting never changed a thing. I sure made it easy with a comfy nest and soft place to fall dozens and dozens of times .... grrrrrrrrr).

devastated1

Hopeworks. I love your analogy
Life with an active alcoholic is like going down in an elevator to h*** together with both having the ability to push the button and choose what floor they wish to get off on

I couldn't agree more to that is what it feel like. I knew people on this board would help me. So it sounds like my feelings about him not being completely ready to stop drinking are real. He sure seemed to want it when he checked himself in but his cravings are stronger than his will to stop. They haven't even told me how much the sober living costs. I will give him the option of where to go but will not give him money to live on if he choses to go back to his apartment. He has absolutely no money so his only option will be sober living or the streets. Hopefully if he goes to sober living they will help him find a sponsor? When he checked himself into rehab I was so happy thinking he finally hit bottom. Now I am feeling discouraged because he doesn't seem committed....

HopefulmomtoD

Wishing you strength to get through this. It is VERY hard to not rescue your child when they are facing living on the street.