What abuse is
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Ann, I am honored to be part of a sticky. This has been an extraordinary experience for me, to have lived through this, and to begin to see my way to better days.
As I now reflect on what has happened to me, the thought comes to me that I have never defined myself as an abused person. Never. Not even in my childhood when I was abused.
There is a different part of self that I always held dear, hidden at times to protect me, but always cherished.
When my abusive alcoholic father would send me to bed and yell at me "I don't want to hear another peep out of you", I would sit on the stairs just out of reach and go "Peep, peep, peep." When he told me I would stay at the table until I ate my tomatoes, I sat there most of the night. Took me years to eat tomatoes.
Looking back I don't think this was just bravado. There just was something in me that wouldn't be squelched.
I think that it is in all of us -we all have an inner voice that can and will stand up for us if we look for it.
As I reflect on this life passage, I realize that I still don't think of myself as an abused woman. That has never been my self-definition, despite all the abuse that happened and that I let happen to me.
These experiences are not who I am; they are what has happened to me. I don't know why I am that way, but I am, and I think it is part of my salvation through these heart wrenching days.
For people going through this, I would offer this.
You are not merely what you experience. You are more, and you can be even more.
The dark days, abuse, defeat, devastation that you are living through, that you feel, are not the definition of you. If you think of them as a tunnel through which you are passing, you can look for the light at the end, and make your way there.
I read once of a gifted woman who had a nervous breakdown. Her psychiatrist said "We are going to make you just as good as, just the same as you were before this happened". She looked at him and said "Doctor, I came into this room from one path, and I have broken, and I am different, and when I heal, I must leave by a different door."
There is life after this. Good life. Happy life. Fulfilled life. You can emerge from this passage with wisdom, compassion, and a depth of being that comes from the depth of suffering you have endured. It does not need to define you, but it can inform your life and let you connect to others in a powerful way.
That's what I'm shooting for.
ShootingStar1
As I now reflect on what has happened to me, the thought comes to me that I have never defined myself as an abused person. Never. Not even in my childhood when I was abused.
There is a different part of self that I always held dear, hidden at times to protect me, but always cherished.
When my abusive alcoholic father would send me to bed and yell at me "I don't want to hear another peep out of you", I would sit on the stairs just out of reach and go "Peep, peep, peep." When he told me I would stay at the table until I ate my tomatoes, I sat there most of the night. Took me years to eat tomatoes.
Looking back I don't think this was just bravado. There just was something in me that wouldn't be squelched.
I think that it is in all of us -we all have an inner voice that can and will stand up for us if we look for it.
As I reflect on this life passage, I realize that I still don't think of myself as an abused woman. That has never been my self-definition, despite all the abuse that happened and that I let happen to me.
These experiences are not who I am; they are what has happened to me. I don't know why I am that way, but I am, and I think it is part of my salvation through these heart wrenching days.
For people going through this, I would offer this.
You are not merely what you experience. You are more, and you can be even more.
The dark days, abuse, defeat, devastation that you are living through, that you feel, are not the definition of you. If you think of them as a tunnel through which you are passing, you can look for the light at the end, and make your way there.
I read once of a gifted woman who had a nervous breakdown. Her psychiatrist said "We are going to make you just as good as, just the same as you were before this happened". She looked at him and said "Doctor, I came into this room from one path, and I have broken, and I am different, and when I heal, I must leave by a different door."
There is life after this. Good life. Happy life. Fulfilled life. You can emerge from this passage with wisdom, compassion, and a depth of being that comes from the depth of suffering you have endured. It does not need to define you, but it can inform your life and let you connect to others in a powerful way.
That's what I'm shooting for.
ShootingStar1
So Tired of this
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 23
I am in a mess
I have lived with an alcoholic husband for 20 years. Our children are 17 and 14. They are fully aware that their father is a drunk.
My husband is famous for waking up in the middle of the night and urinating in places other than the toilet. His most recent offense was while on vacation, going into the closet and peeing on my suitcase. It was 2:45 am and I was furious. He was drunk and mouthy and kept telling me how he tried and tried and tried to find the bathroom but just had no choice. He claims he wasn't drunk, but he was. He peed on our dog crate with our dog in it the first night we brought her home. He has peed on my daughters floor, he has peed on our bathroom rug. He passes out. He gets a scary look in his eyes. He drinks in excess and then sleeps away his day. He brought home 8 cases of beer not too long ago and I got rid of all of them. He turns on me and blames me, saying I chase misery by wanting to argue. I am sad, tired and sick of all of it. Mostly I am sick for our kids who are hurting and they have very little respect for him. He ruins everything with his drinking. I tried talking to him about it this morning but of course he turns it all on me and blames me for his drinking. Says I make him walk around on egg shells. Hhhmmmm, pretty sure it is the other way around. How do I tell him it is time for him to move out?
My husband is famous for waking up in the middle of the night and urinating in places other than the toilet. His most recent offense was while on vacation, going into the closet and peeing on my suitcase. It was 2:45 am and I was furious. He was drunk and mouthy and kept telling me how he tried and tried and tried to find the bathroom but just had no choice. He claims he wasn't drunk, but he was. He peed on our dog crate with our dog in it the first night we brought her home. He has peed on my daughters floor, he has peed on our bathroom rug. He passes out. He gets a scary look in his eyes. He drinks in excess and then sleeps away his day. He brought home 8 cases of beer not too long ago and I got rid of all of them. He turns on me and blames me, saying I chase misery by wanting to argue. I am sad, tired and sick of all of it. Mostly I am sick for our kids who are hurting and they have very little respect for him. He ruins everything with his drinking. I tried talking to him about it this morning but of course he turns it all on me and blames me for his drinking. Says I make him walk around on egg shells. Hhhmmmm, pretty sure it is the other way around. How do I tell him it is time for him to move out?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by geppster 
I have lived with an alcoholic husband for 20 years. Our children are 17 and 14. They are fully aware that their father is a drunk.
My husband is famous for waking up in the middle of the night and urinating in places other than the toilet. His most recent offense was while on vacation, going into the closet and peeing on my suitcase. It was 2:45 am and I was furious. He was drunk and mouthy and kept telling me how he tried and tried and tried to find the bathroom but just had no choice. He claims he wasn't drunk, but he was. He peed on our dog crate with our dog in it the first night we brought her home. He has peed on my daughters floor, he has peed on our bathroom rug. He passes out. He gets a scary look in his eyes. He drinks in excess and then sleeps away his day. He brought home 8 cases of beer not too long ago and I got rid of all of them. He turns on me and blames me, saying I chase misery by wanting to argue. I am sad, tired and sick of all of it. Mostly I am sick for our kids who are hurting and they have very little respect for him. He ruins everything with his drinking. I tried talking to him about it this morning but of course he turns it all on me and blames me for his drinking. Says I make him walk around on egg shells. Hhhmmmm, pretty sure it is the other way around. How do I tell him it is time for him to move out?
My husband is famous for waking up in the middle of the night and urinating in places other than the toilet. His most recent offense was while on vacation, going into the closet and peeing on my suitcase. It was 2:45 am and I was furious. He was drunk and mouthy and kept telling me how he tried and tried and tried to find the bathroom but just had no choice. He claims he wasn't drunk, but he was. He peed on our dog crate with our dog in it the first night we brought her home. He has peed on my daughters floor, he has peed on our bathroom rug. He passes out. He gets a scary look in his eyes. He drinks in excess and then sleeps away his day. He brought home 8 cases of beer not too long ago and I got rid of all of them. He turns on me and blames me, saying I chase misery by wanting to argue. I am sad, tired and sick of all of it. Mostly I am sick for our kids who are hurting and they have very little respect for him. He ruins everything with his drinking. I tried talking to him about it this morning but of course he turns it all on me and blames me for his drinking. Says I make him walk around on egg shells. Hhhmmmm, pretty sure it is the other way around. How do I tell him it is time for him to move out?
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
and, you certainly can't control it
You will learn more as you post here. Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: southern appalachian mountains
Posts: 36
I believe you were one of the kind people who responded to me very honestly when I first posted late last summer, and now I am back on here looking for help and humanity, and I again read your helpful and intelligent posts. Thank you so much for doing this work.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
I feel moved to respond to this sticky. I made a couple of efforts last night, and having slept on it and prayed about it, I hope to do better
First, if anyone reads this sticky and is motivated by the realization that they are being abused to seek help...then that is a very, very good thing.
Second, I really liked Shooting Stars post. It's worth scrolling back and reading because it really expresses what (I think) "recovery" is all about.
Very early in my recovery, a therapist asked me "How do you feel?" My reply was that I felt like I was in prison. I felt numb and I felt like I was in a tiny, suffocating cell that had been built around me, one stone at a time.
Later in my recovery, I had the epiphany that I had built that cell myself! What amazed me even more was that there was a door to the cell...and it was unlocked! All I had to do was to walk through it. That's the first step and it's terrifying, but it's wonderful.
When I read the definitions of emotional abuse (and I've experienced them all), I see my own defects of character.
If an alcoholic with a family stays out all night or most of the night drinking or using, that is abusive. I see those nights I worked late at the office because I didn't want to come home to a drunk. I also see the fear of rejection I experienced because I thought the alcoholic loved the bottle more than she loved me.
If an alcoholic makes his or her children afraid, that is abusive. I see that I didn't do a good enough job of protecting my children from the damage that an alcoholic does, whether drinking or not, and I owe amends for that. That's a very, very hard truth to face.
If an alcoholic will not listen to a spouse's feelings or concerns without interrupting the spouse with anger, derision, or belittling, that is abusive. We only hurt the ones we love...and that's because we know exactly where their buttons are. My weapon of choice was sarcasm. I'd make subtle comments about my spouse when she was drunk or drinking. I was trying to control her drinking, which was doomed to failure, and I mostly made myself look like an ass. I owe amends for that too.
If a spouse is afraid to leave the home for fear that the alcoholic will either hurt the children or burn down the house, that spouse is being abused. I didn't have that experience. My wife's alcoholism was present while our children were home, but it really got bad after they'd been out of the house a few years. She was and is a better mother than I am a father. I would just like to suggest that if you're afraid to leave the house because your spouse might hurt your children or burn the house down then you probably really need to consider leaving the house. At the very least, do something constructive and buy a smoke detector. Right?
If a spouse is afraid to have an evening out with friends while accompanied by the alcoholic for fear of being embarrassed or ridiculed by a drunk partner, that spouse is being abused. I lived with this and my "solution" was to leave my wife home and go out with my work friends without her. At the time, it seemed like a great solution. I got some time away from home, and I got some much needed emotional support from my friends. In recovery, I found that my friends really had no idea what I was going through or how to help...and spiritually I get a lot more out of going to an Al-anon meeting that I ever did going out with my friends. And you know what? My wife had that same fear of rejection (maybe times 10) that I did. My solution, that helped me, was abusive to her. I owe amends for that too.
If the spouse of an alcoholic is taking the children to therapy because an alcoholic is creating chronic anxiety in them, then the spouse and the children are all being abused. As miserable as my life was before I started working on my recovery...I feel blessed by what I've learned over the past few years and by my own spiritual growth. Going to therapy, taking your children to therapy--that's awesome, that takes courage and fortitude. We can't change the past. There are no "do overs." We can only move forward, and hope to do better today than we did yesterday. The past informs who we are, but we are absolutely free to become the beautiful amazing people that we already are.
I have never seen nor heard of anyone in active addiction who lives a life that is the opposite of abusive: who treats others in a gentle, supportive, and uplifting way. Whose treatment of those closest to him or her is good and proper. Who can be safely trusted not to use harsh or scathing words, especially against one who is defenseless. We are all imperfect. We were all raised by imperfect parents. And our parents were all raised by imperfect parents. We are all "doing the best we can with the tools we have." The active alcoholic is suffering from a disease, a compulsion that they are not in control of. And underneath that compulsion, is an imperfect person whose defects of character we may not like all that much either. But underneath those defects of character is a beautiful, amazing soul--a lot like the one within us.
First, if anyone reads this sticky and is motivated by the realization that they are being abused to seek help...then that is a very, very good thing.
Second, I really liked Shooting Stars post. It's worth scrolling back and reading because it really expresses what (I think) "recovery" is all about.
Very early in my recovery, a therapist asked me "How do you feel?" My reply was that I felt like I was in prison. I felt numb and I felt like I was in a tiny, suffocating cell that had been built around me, one stone at a time.
Later in my recovery, I had the epiphany that I had built that cell myself! What amazed me even more was that there was a door to the cell...and it was unlocked! All I had to do was to walk through it. That's the first step and it's terrifying, but it's wonderful.
When I read the definitions of emotional abuse (and I've experienced them all), I see my own defects of character.
If an alcoholic with a family stays out all night or most of the night drinking or using, that is abusive. I see those nights I worked late at the office because I didn't want to come home to a drunk. I also see the fear of rejection I experienced because I thought the alcoholic loved the bottle more than she loved me.
If an alcoholic makes his or her children afraid, that is abusive. I see that I didn't do a good enough job of protecting my children from the damage that an alcoholic does, whether drinking or not, and I owe amends for that. That's a very, very hard truth to face.
If an alcoholic will not listen to a spouse's feelings or concerns without interrupting the spouse with anger, derision, or belittling, that is abusive. We only hurt the ones we love...and that's because we know exactly where their buttons are. My weapon of choice was sarcasm. I'd make subtle comments about my spouse when she was drunk or drinking. I was trying to control her drinking, which was doomed to failure, and I mostly made myself look like an ass. I owe amends for that too.
If a spouse is afraid to leave the home for fear that the alcoholic will either hurt the children or burn down the house, that spouse is being abused. I didn't have that experience. My wife's alcoholism was present while our children were home, but it really got bad after they'd been out of the house a few years. She was and is a better mother than I am a father. I would just like to suggest that if you're afraid to leave the house because your spouse might hurt your children or burn the house down then you probably really need to consider leaving the house. At the very least, do something constructive and buy a smoke detector. Right?
If a spouse is afraid to have an evening out with friends while accompanied by the alcoholic for fear of being embarrassed or ridiculed by a drunk partner, that spouse is being abused. I lived with this and my "solution" was to leave my wife home and go out with my work friends without her. At the time, it seemed like a great solution. I got some time away from home, and I got some much needed emotional support from my friends. In recovery, I found that my friends really had no idea what I was going through or how to help...and spiritually I get a lot more out of going to an Al-anon meeting that I ever did going out with my friends. And you know what? My wife had that same fear of rejection (maybe times 10) that I did. My solution, that helped me, was abusive to her. I owe amends for that too.
If the spouse of an alcoholic is taking the children to therapy because an alcoholic is creating chronic anxiety in them, then the spouse and the children are all being abused. As miserable as my life was before I started working on my recovery...I feel blessed by what I've learned over the past few years and by my own spiritual growth. Going to therapy, taking your children to therapy--that's awesome, that takes courage and fortitude. We can't change the past. There are no "do overs." We can only move forward, and hope to do better today than we did yesterday. The past informs who we are, but we are absolutely free to become the beautiful amazing people that we already are.
I have never seen nor heard of anyone in active addiction who lives a life that is the opposite of abusive: who treats others in a gentle, supportive, and uplifting way. Whose treatment of those closest to him or her is good and proper. Who can be safely trusted not to use harsh or scathing words, especially against one who is defenseless. We are all imperfect. We were all raised by imperfect parents. And our parents were all raised by imperfect parents. We are all "doing the best we can with the tools we have." The active alcoholic is suffering from a disease, a compulsion that they are not in control of. And underneath that compulsion, is an imperfect person whose defects of character we may not like all that much either. But underneath those defects of character is a beautiful, amazing soul--a lot like the one within us.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
What a wonderful thread!!!!! And, I am so happy it has become a sticky.
I first started volunteering at a Domestic Violence Center in Las Vegas in 1988. Continued my volunteering in Albuquerque when I moved there and still do it today, here where I have lived for over 21 years.
Way back in '88 they were just starting to realize that the emotional abuse was just as bad as the physical abuse. By the time I moved here, they were 'leaning' toward emotional abuse being worse than physical abuse.
Today at our DV shelter is is a given that the emotional abuse is definitely worse than the physical. Why? Because it starts much earlier than the physical, works on the persons self esteem, and helps the victim to accept the physical as by then they are convinced that they are 'worthless.'
There is a lot of awareness here in the city I live in, more so than in some other cities. There is a 'bill' before our state legislature to make 'emotional abuse' a felony crime, if verified by an independent psychiatrist from the one the victim is seeing. Will have to see if it is passed. I know our Governor will sign such a bill, as she was our DA here for 12 years before being elected Governor and for those 12 years she was on a crusade to put 'abusers' of women and children in jail for a very very long time. Heck it might even have been her who asked the originators of the bill to put it before the assembly and the senate.
What we do here on this site, is to encourage those that post that there is a road out of the chaos of their lives, so that they and their children can start healing.
Thank you (((((Shooting Star))))) for this very informative thread, and thank you (((((Ann))))) for making it a sticky.
Love and hugs,
I first started volunteering at a Domestic Violence Center in Las Vegas in 1988. Continued my volunteering in Albuquerque when I moved there and still do it today, here where I have lived for over 21 years.
Way back in '88 they were just starting to realize that the emotional abuse was just as bad as the physical abuse. By the time I moved here, they were 'leaning' toward emotional abuse being worse than physical abuse.
Today at our DV shelter is is a given that the emotional abuse is definitely worse than the physical. Why? Because it starts much earlier than the physical, works on the persons self esteem, and helps the victim to accept the physical as by then they are convinced that they are 'worthless.'
There is a lot of awareness here in the city I live in, more so than in some other cities. There is a 'bill' before our state legislature to make 'emotional abuse' a felony crime, if verified by an independent psychiatrist from the one the victim is seeing. Will have to see if it is passed. I know our Governor will sign such a bill, as she was our DA here for 12 years before being elected Governor and for those 12 years she was on a crusade to put 'abusers' of women and children in jail for a very very long time. Heck it might even have been her who asked the originators of the bill to put it before the assembly and the senate.
What we do here on this site, is to encourage those that post that there is a road out of the chaos of their lives, so that they and their children can start healing.
Thank you (((((Shooting Star))))) for this very informative thread, and thank you (((((Ann))))) for making it a sticky.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: ca
Posts: 13
thank you mattmathews.turning it around is difficult, especially knowing if my kids were hurt it is ultimately my fault. i did not protect them enough & tho it was not as bad as it could be as i read here it was bad enough & funny how when your trying to keep alcoholic happy you end up one hurting kids in trying to protect them. it really turns into a mess. i understand alcoholism is a disease he had no control over. but i liked that under is a person just like me. wants dreams & desires, fears, dissapointments. its just muddeled under alcoholism. really for me it makes it bit better. none of us is perfect. we all struggle, just some have to struggle harder. some make it out the other side & some dont. i pray for my alcoholic to make it thru whole to other side.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by songbird73
turning it around is difficult, especially knowing if my kids were hurt it is ultimately my fault. i did not protect them enough & tho it was not as bad as it could be as i read here it was bad enough & funny how when your trying to keep alcoholic happy you end up one hurting kids in trying to protect them. it really turns into a mess.
Just as we may come to believe that alcoholism is a disease, and feel compassion for the alcoholic; we can come to see that we have been affected by the disease alcoholism and we can find compassion and even love for ourselves.
The phrase I've fallen in love with this week is "Investigate with kindness." To me that says that I can recognize (and work to correct) my failures and shortcomings, without beating myself up over them. I can keep a gentle heart.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by songbird73
thank you. i have been dealing with abuse from my alcoholic babys dad for the past 3 years. this last year sober he claims. i have been called a bad mom by him, a c*** & dirty wh***, told very confusing things as he changes reality around to fit whatever he feels at the moment. he tells me he will take our sonfrom me then tells me im a great mom & he sure does appriciate all the hard work ive been doing. i have been sitting here reading all your posts for the last 8 months trying to understand what the heck is going on. all i wanted was a family. i believed every word he said. since hes been 'sober' he has gotten worse with his behavior of me. i have almost had a nervous breakdown over all this & just trying to understand why this is happening. he has been back & forth for the past 8 months. and yes, i let him in every time. i kept hoping i would finally see the man i knew but it seems he is gone. replaced with someone who doesnt give a fig about me. and still im sad. i do not like being talked to like im trash & given cold shoulder. but i remember the man i loved & i miss him terribly. i keep hoping that the fog will clear & he will remember he loved me once. 30 years of alcohol abuse damages the mind & im sure it is not cleared in a year but why? i know when he says he drinks because of me that its not true, hes an alcoholic, he will drink because its tuesday or whatever. hes been drinking for 30 years, i have only known him for 3 1/2...obviously i am not responsible for it. but it still cuts to be accused of being the problem. it hurts to go from being 'special' which is what he used to call me, to being someone he was only with because he was drunk & would never want to be with sober, which is what he tells me now...i dont know. im not sure why im here. i guess to understand what was happening. i tend to have pollyanna glasses & i guess it had to be beaten into my head to make me see. i was never special. i was stupid. sucks for me. he is just happily moving on to the next ex but im stuck in emotional pain that just seems to grow as i have to see him on child exchanges & he acts like i am nothing. i just wished for him to get sober & be father to our son & a partner to me. now i feel i am being punished even more for what...? i guess for having him move out to get sober, for forgiving him, for supporting him thru 1st yr of sobriety, for loving him. im not sure anymore. i believed in him. i believed in the man under the alcohol but it seems that man never was real. i was hoping all this was just recovery. it takes time for the mind to recover & to learn new behaviors. i wanted to be supportive & be there when that time came...but im thinking now that that time will never come. im thinking that doing the steps does not involve cutting person closest as deep as you can all in the name of recovery, which is what he had been doing. telling me this was recovery. while still verbally stripping me down or ignoring me with a week of nice thrown in occasionally just to keep me off guard. i do not want to let go but i guess i have no choice, im holding on to nothing but myself. he was never really there i guess. i dont know. i cry alot & keep asking why?! but there is no answer. folk just tell me these things happen & i got to roll with it & just move on. but im thinking i do not know how i can ever trust anything anyone says again. i truelly believed & finding it was all...i dont even know what. a game? a 2 1/2 yr one night stand? i have been greatly injured by this. i have tried alanon but it doesnt seem to fit me. i research online all info on alcoholism that i can find. i talk to my pastor & some church friends but peace is very slow coming. i guess i need to face facts. he is abusive. i wish it werent so. i have tried forgiving & just ignoring bad behavior but i cant anymore. i have a big empty whole where he uses to be & this sucks. thanks for listening. i guess i needed to vent. peace & chicken grease to all you all. thank you for being here. i have learned alot i wish i never had to know
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 63
I have been being abused by my AH for 6 years. At first physically as well but now its just emotional and verbal. I was diagnosed with PTSD because of the abuse suffered, my health has declined and I have gained a lot of weight. I never associated any of this with the way my AH treated me until now. Thank you for the article. 75% of it is my life and I need to get real about my situation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
we all struggle, just some have to struggle harder. some make it out the other side & some dont. i pray for my alcoholic to make it thru whole to other side.
I wish for you to make it through to the other side.
Just as the door is there for MattMatthews (thank you MM) it is there for all of us.
Especially you and your children.
After reading your posts songbird, I remember what it was like (for me)
I remember feeling I was not worthy. Not deserving of the love of my children.
Whether I felt worthy or deserving, they always looked to me for love and affection.
It was sooo scary at first, to know I could change my situation and in effect change everything I had ever known. Even though I knew how very wrong it was (my life as it was then), I had no idea what it looked like to be happy.
All of us, all alcoholics, alanoners, children of alcoholics have a skewed view of life.
You deserve to be healed songbird. I am so glad you are here, for you and me.
Inch by inch, day by day, I turned away from the alcoholic/addict my husband had become. I got tired of waiting for the illusion I had created to come back.
Slowly, I turned my focus on myself and my children.
Take care of yourself songbird. I care about you. I have opened the door. Stepped into the light. You can do it too.
Beth
PS I have been diagnosed with PTSD (childhood issues, and was fired up again when I got sober and tried to work it out with my addicted ex husband) and a major depressive disorder. You are not alone.
Last edited by wicked; 04-13-2013 at 11:10 AM. Reason: wrong tense.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 63
Wicked,
As bad as I want children, I'm starting to think that God hasn't allowed me to become pregnant for a reason. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have an innocent child witness the evil, and abuse A's unleash on people. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, up one minute down the next. I'm ashamed because I have drug my family and friends through this mess with me. I'm at a complete loss right now.
As bad as I want children, I'm starting to think that God hasn't allowed me to become pregnant for a reason. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have an innocent child witness the evil, and abuse A's unleash on people. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, up one minute down the next. I'm ashamed because I have drug my family and friends through this mess with me. I'm at a complete loss right now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by ChivonYvette
Wicked,
As bad as I want children, I'm starting to think that God hasn't allowed me to become pregnant for a reason. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have an innocent child witness the evil, and abuse A's unleash on people. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, up one minute down the next. I'm ashamed because I have drug my family and friends through this mess with me. I'm at a complete loss right now.
As bad as I want children, I'm starting to think that God hasn't allowed me to become pregnant for a reason. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have an innocent child witness the evil, and abuse A's unleash on people. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, up one minute down the next. I'm ashamed because I have drug my family and friends through this mess with me. I'm at a complete loss right now.
It is sad to think that God is not allowing you children.
When I was in rehab, I talked to a Priest. He was a wonderful counselor. I asked him about forgiving myself. He told me I had already been forgiven for any "sin" (or shame I had) by the God of my understanding.
I had to use my free will to live my best life.
God wants me to be happy, joyous and free.
I am glad you found this forum ChivonYvette.
The people here are amazing.
Keep reading, keep posting.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: ca
Posts: 13
thank you. i am trying to find my light again. i know God is working something wonderful for me. i just have to have the faith to wait on His timing & for His Will. i still pray for my exab for his healing. i know his damage goes deep in his soul. sometimes i wonder , is it the fact that we love them that makes them hate us so? as in; how dare she love me when i do not love myself?! or how dare she forgive me when i can not forgive myself?! i dont know. it was just a thought. i have a hard time believing that he is just a terrible human being. but maybe that thought just keeps me hanging on. i dont know. it is not in my nature to hate. i do not hate him. i do love him still. but i hate what he has done to me & my kids, my emotions, my dreams & my self esteem. i am ready for healing. i am ready to move into the light....but it is hard
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 63
Songbird 73,
I get it because I'm still very much in love with my AH. There are times when I feel that life is getting back on track, but I have to stop fooling myself. I agree with what you said about their anger and hatred towards us. Its hard for me too because its like how can I detach myself and love him at the same time. But I know I have to do so for my sanity, healing and growth.
I'm sending love and hugs your way, PM me if you need to.
I get it because I'm still very much in love with my AH. There are times when I feel that life is getting back on track, but I have to stop fooling myself. I agree with what you said about their anger and hatred towards us. Its hard for me too because its like how can I detach myself and love him at the same time. But I know I have to do so for my sanity, healing and growth.
I'm sending love and hugs your way, PM me if you need to.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: N/A
Posts: 10
To Englishgarden and everyone who responded to the post, thankyou for sharing ur thoughts and experiences. Its really starting to open my eyes. Im not physically with my abf and drug user with mental health issues,(sorry still learning all the new abbreviations), but when we do communicate,his angry and sometimes foul words, make me feel like ive been repeatedly punched. Im tired of people telling me that just cos im not actually there,that its different,when in actual fact its not.....Thankyou again 
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
