making amends to myself
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
making amends to myself
Step 8 says "Make a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all"
and Step 9 says "Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others".
When I first got into the program, I had a hard time figuring out who I would have to make amends to since I was the victim of my exah's alcoholism. All I really knew is that my exah need to make amends to me.
And then I had to work step 4 and I had to do a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself and I slowly came to realize that I wasn't the victim I thought I had been. No, I had been a willing participant in the insane dance of alcoholism in my marriage. I tried to control my exah. I tried to manipulate him into seeing things my way. Our home environment was chaotic and angry and unstable. My son was hurt by living in such an environment. I hurt others too but my exah and my son were at the top of my list.
And this is all well and good. And making amends to both of them is part of my recovery.
But what I've really begun to focus on lately and to realize is that I also hurt myself a great deal. I made alot of really bad decisions and I hurt myself spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially because I kept doing the same thing...and making the same bad decisions...over and over and over again.
And now I'm really trying to work on making amends to myself.
In courage to change today it talks about how "...some of us fall into the trap of trying to analyze alcoholism. We don't want to accept the reality of our circumstances because we haven't yet figured out the rhyme or reason of it. The fact is that alcoholism is an illogical disease; we may never fully comprehend it".
And this is so true. But I'm starting to really see that codependent behaviors are just as illogical, if not more illogical, than the disease of alcholism. As hard as I try to figure out why I did what I did...I'll never figure it out and I'll just keep myself trapped in a cycle of low self esteem and self condemnation. I'll probably never understand why I made the decisions I made and why I tolerated the things I tolerated anymore than I'll understand my exah and his compulsion to drink.
And ya know what? That's okay. I don't have to figure it out.
Today, I just want to work on forgiving myself for my illogical behavior and my poor decision-making. I want to forgive myself and have compassion for myself and do away with the negative thoughts and judgments that will roll through my head all day long if I let them.
Today I want to make amends to myself. I'm going to do so by continuing to work my program of recovery, by prayer and meditation, by taking care of myself physically through regular exercise and by cutting myself some slack when I fall short.
And today, just to drive the point home, I actually bought myself a bouquet of flowers.
Yellow tulips. A little gift of love to myself. And I'm going to enjoy those flowers all weekend long and let them serve as a reminder that I need to forgive myself and show myself the same kind of love and compassion that I'm always so willing to show to others.
Thanks for letting me share.
Hugs..
Mary
and Step 9 says "Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others".
When I first got into the program, I had a hard time figuring out who I would have to make amends to since I was the victim of my exah's alcoholism. All I really knew is that my exah need to make amends to me.
And then I had to work step 4 and I had to do a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself and I slowly came to realize that I wasn't the victim I thought I had been. No, I had been a willing participant in the insane dance of alcoholism in my marriage. I tried to control my exah. I tried to manipulate him into seeing things my way. Our home environment was chaotic and angry and unstable. My son was hurt by living in such an environment. I hurt others too but my exah and my son were at the top of my list.
And this is all well and good. And making amends to both of them is part of my recovery.
But what I've really begun to focus on lately and to realize is that I also hurt myself a great deal. I made alot of really bad decisions and I hurt myself spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially because I kept doing the same thing...and making the same bad decisions...over and over and over again.
And now I'm really trying to work on making amends to myself.
In courage to change today it talks about how "...some of us fall into the trap of trying to analyze alcoholism. We don't want to accept the reality of our circumstances because we haven't yet figured out the rhyme or reason of it. The fact is that alcoholism is an illogical disease; we may never fully comprehend it".
And this is so true. But I'm starting to really see that codependent behaviors are just as illogical, if not more illogical, than the disease of alcholism. As hard as I try to figure out why I did what I did...I'll never figure it out and I'll just keep myself trapped in a cycle of low self esteem and self condemnation. I'll probably never understand why I made the decisions I made and why I tolerated the things I tolerated anymore than I'll understand my exah and his compulsion to drink.
And ya know what? That's okay. I don't have to figure it out.
Today, I just want to work on forgiving myself for my illogical behavior and my poor decision-making. I want to forgive myself and have compassion for myself and do away with the negative thoughts and judgments that will roll through my head all day long if I let them.
Today I want to make amends to myself. I'm going to do so by continuing to work my program of recovery, by prayer and meditation, by taking care of myself physically through regular exercise and by cutting myself some slack when I fall short.
And today, just to drive the point home, I actually bought myself a bouquet of flowers.
Yellow tulips. A little gift of love to myself. And I'm going to enjoy those flowers all weekend long and let them serve as a reminder that I need to forgive myself and show myself the same kind of love and compassion that I'm always so willing to show to others.Thanks for letting me share.
Hugs..
Mary
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
I needed to hear that today....for some reason to me it feels selfish to think that I need to forgive myself. I am coming to terms with that, that if I don't forgive myself how will I ever forgive anyone else?...you made it a little more clear for me...thank you for sharing.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
What a beautiful post & it gives me a lot to think about today. I think I'll print it out & read it through a few more times today. I know this in theory but lose sight of it too often. DD & I were on the fence aboout spoiling ourselves with pedicures today (I have gift cards to use up) but I think we'll go ahead & do a little pampering since we have a long weekend alone & we DESERVE it. (RAH works nights this wknd)
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