goodstitch

I woke up feeling pretty good today. A good night sleep is always helpful, especially when dealing with the feelings that I'm having about my XAB and about myself. I had a pretty tough week, starting with all the mixed emotions I was experiencing while I was walking in one of my favorite places. That place was a trigger because I saw him and his new lady walking there one day. It is in her neighborhood. I have been and am still really angry that he chose to find some one that lives near me. I even called him and told him I knew I shouldn't, that I have to let this die but that it was so hard because I loved him so much. He doesn't blame me and he said he was mad at himself for letting his problem destroy what we had. But he needs companionship, especially now and he says he wanted it to be me but that wasn't working out.
I had to say no, I had to let him go because his drunkenness was causing me so much anxiety. Ask anyone in my circle and they'll tell you what a mess I was. It was triggering my eating disorder like crazy! I think I still wonder if there was anything else I could have done, but let's be honest, there absolutely wasn't. I know I'm jealous that he found someone and I haven't. I wanted him to be sober for me, but he had to want it.
A few nights ago I had a melt down and kept calling and leaving messages that I wanted him to be out of my town, that he should take his new woman to live with him at his house. That I never went to his town. I was crying like a crazy woman and saying how hard he had made things for me by having this relationship so close to me. And while I don't feel completely relieved there was a sense of completion the next day. I think the fact that I finally let out and let him hear all the frustration I felt gave me a little peace since he was such a huge part of my sadness and anger. And wrong or right, after having to hear his drunken pleas to be "his woman" over and over again, and to hear him cry and hear him try to manipulate me into being with him by telling me that I was going to be alone because I didn't have options and he did, I felt like it was completely fair that he had to hear one of my episodes. And it was all coming from a real and raw place.
My friend tried to tell me that he wasn't a good man, but I can't think that. That would make me a bad person for dealing with him and I know that I am not. We simply have problems that we need to find healthy ways to cope with. My unhealthy way of coping was to drink, eat, isolate myself, and not exercise. His is to drink and find women to be with him so he doesn't have to be alone. I'm pretty sure that this woman is the fourth or fifth woman he's been with since we broke up a year and four months ago. He even said that he was in love with two women at the same time. Me being one of them. He said that of me and another woman that he was with right after we broke up, as well. Of course I've come back in the picture and each time it didn't work he went and found someone else. He says this one has saved his life. I think that taps into my codependent need to be the one to help and love someone enough that they get back on track. But I've tried that before and that guy found someone else and let me go entirely. (Of course he tried getting in touch with me a year later but I told him to leave me alone.) That experience taught me that a man who is struggling with so many problems is just looking for a lifeline for a time, and when they get a little better they drop you. I just couldn't let that happen to me again. Especially after hearing stories of other people staying with their partners through recovery and then being dumped like trash. His brother even called me to ask me not to give up on him. His father called to ask me "as a favor" to him to get in touch with him. Everyone was worried about my XAB but they sure weren't caring about how it was affecting me. It was all about him.
Thank God my friends and family were completely opposite and knew from experience that sobriety was up to him, not me.
Anyway, I love having SR to help me through this time. I don't feel so alone and it helps me so much to know that others are struggling and succeeding in finding healthy ways to take care of themselves. I hope everyone out there has finds peace and love to get them through on this lovely day

Goodstitch

LifeRecovery

Goodstich-

I am sorry you are feeling so rough right now (or in the last week).

Thanks for sharing your story, but I see a lot of it being about him, and very little about you. I am curious to get to know you.

Part of the reason is that my exhusband struggled with alcohol, but I met, loved and married him while working on my own recovery from my eating disorder.

I have needed to heal from my own stuff, and from the relationship. For me I had to work my own stuff first before I had any chance of working on the relationship stuff.

Here is what helped (in no particular order). Al-Anon (really helped with food stuff also), Therapy, Body work, and lots of reading about addiction.

My own unresolved codependency really impacted my eating disorder, and my choice of intimate partners (and friends).

Besides SR (which has helped a lot) what do you have in place for your own recovery?

goodstitch

Hey LifeRecovery,

Thanks for your input. I went to two meetings last week, one coda and one al-anon. The alon meeting was super helpful in reminding me how difficult life with an alcoholic is. This helped me also with reinforcing the validity of my decision to not be in a relationship with my ex.

I've been walking a lot and last night I got on my bike for the first time in a year. It was sublime! Exercise is vital for my mental health. I had let it go for a while but I'm getting back into it.

I've also been really working on my food quality. That really keeps my eating disorder at bay. (It's incredible how the stress of that relationship brought it out in full force!)

I've been reading "Codependency No More" again and listening to pod casts to help me deal with my anger, self-sabotage, etc. I had two therapists at one point. Both are addiction specialists. The male one really helped me understand that I deserved more than what my ex was offering.(Even this morning I realized for the zillionth time that my needs were not being met and that I deserve to be in a relationship that has more life and balance.) After my father died I had no male mentor to consult and this doctor really helped.

The last time we broke up I did most of the same things along with taking an art class. This time I decided to make plans to do a "pilgrimage" in Spain. It will take 34 days of walking That won't happen until June but the planning of it is a way of taking care of myself and keeping the focus on my needs, dreams, and goals.

I'm actually proud of the work I've done. I definitely had a relapse and in a way it was a good thing. I got to see the reality, again, of what I would have in my life. NOT GOOD!!

Have you tried any 12 step programs for your eating disorder? I did but nothing really clicked until I went to coda and alon. That's where I was able to see where my twisted coping skill started.

How long were you married and did you and your ex husband ever do any 12 step work together? Did you feel like it was balanced and if not what finally happened that you knew you had to get out?

I'm proud of us for seeking help and knowing that there are better ways to deal!

Take care.

LifeRecovery

Goodstich-

I did not do 12 step work via OA, but am working the steps slowly right now in Al-Anon.

My ex did not find recovery, my therapist is well versed in 12 step work (AA, and Al-Anon). We were married five years and I have been divorced a little over two. I was working my recovery for my ED when I met and married my husband. My recovery saved my butt when I realized alcohol was on board.

I also want to welcome you to the ED side of the board (under specialty groups). It is not as popular as this side but can offer valuable prespective.

I found Al-Anon after many years of my own individual recovery work.

Glad you are here.