Worried about over reacting when trying to stand up for my boundaries
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I have to ask this question, why do you accept his unacceptable behavior??? Why do you think it's ok for him to degrade you??
Let's see, your parked 3 spots over and he can't find you??? How old is he??? I'm not going to stoop to his level and start name calling , but a thesaurus is filled with adjectives that describe his undesirable character.
Honey, you deserve Sooooooooo much better. Hope you continue to educate yourself about addiction, education is the only way to a brighter, healthier life for YOU.
You matter, my friend.
Let's see, your parked 3 spots over and he can't find you??? How old is he??? I'm not going to stoop to his level and start name calling , but a thesaurus is filled with adjectives that describe his undesirable character.
Honey, you deserve Sooooooooo much better. Hope you continue to educate yourself about addiction, education is the only way to a brighter, healthier life for YOU.
You matter, my friend.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Instead of always secong guessing your reactions, or his, to these type of situations. Consider second guessing the relationship all together. You are doing him a favor and he calls u a c***. Unacceptable.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Agreeing with what everyone here says. Take care of you! I needed to read what other's have responded with here today because it brings back memories of years of abuse from my AH that I allowed and he wasn't even drinking or abusing any chemicals at the time. He was just an abusive jerk most of the time and I let him treat me that way because I allowed it.
I don't know if you have ever read Toby Rice Drews series called "Getting them Sober", I really got a lot out of reading her books especially when I first started waking up and realizing what was going on in my marriage and how steeped in my own denial I really was.
I remember being in the Honolulu airport coming home from our family vacation. AH yelled at me (after I bought a water bottle, after going through security mind you) saying, "Why don't you just light a hundred dollar bill on fire? What a waste." He said it soooo condescending and even though he kept foul language out of it, it was heard by all the people standing in the agriculture inspection line with us. A woman behind me in line put her hand on my shoulder and smiled and said she was sorry. This was one of those incidents where I realized I needed to learn about boundaries. I learned, though, that I was teaching him that it was OK to talk to me that way. And, I did the same thing with my dad. I cowered at confrontation, I cried and hid in my room, and I pushed all my pain down in the hopes that someday it will all get better. Here I am, at 42 years old, finally realizing that I need to change ME. I started reading books on codependency, boundaries, and addiction. I started journaling my feelings and started to finally 'feel' them. I'm still working on these things but I have to say that I am feeling so much more empowered, the more I learn about ME. I encourage you to do the same through counseling, books, Al Anon, and finding support here at SR. Thanks for sharing your story, there are others who need to read the responses (like me)!
I don't know if you have ever read Toby Rice Drews series called "Getting them Sober", I really got a lot out of reading her books especially when I first started waking up and realizing what was going on in my marriage and how steeped in my own denial I really was.
I remember being in the Honolulu airport coming home from our family vacation. AH yelled at me (after I bought a water bottle, after going through security mind you) saying, "Why don't you just light a hundred dollar bill on fire? What a waste." He said it soooo condescending and even though he kept foul language out of it, it was heard by all the people standing in the agriculture inspection line with us. A woman behind me in line put her hand on my shoulder and smiled and said she was sorry. This was one of those incidents where I realized I needed to learn about boundaries. I learned, though, that I was teaching him that it was OK to talk to me that way. And, I did the same thing with my dad. I cowered at confrontation, I cried and hid in my room, and I pushed all my pain down in the hopes that someday it will all get better. Here I am, at 42 years old, finally realizing that I need to change ME. I started reading books on codependency, boundaries, and addiction. I started journaling my feelings and started to finally 'feel' them. I'm still working on these things but I have to say that I am feeling so much more empowered, the more I learn about ME. I encourage you to do the same through counseling, books, Al Anon, and finding support here at SR. Thanks for sharing your story, there are others who need to read the responses (like me)!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Thank you all so much for your advice and sharing your experiences, it's so reassuring and useful.
Unfortunately I have not been quick to learn. We had been together 8 years and he has been physically and emotionally abusive pretty much the whole time. I am just starting to wake up and realize the extent of this. I'm going to counselling and Al-Anon (both against his wishes) and have decided to leave, I just can't do it right now but I'm trying to do it as soon as I can. I am just starting to learn how to put boundaries in place, but getting a lot of abuse for trying. I almost don't care though because now when he rants and raves at me I just think how happy I am to know I'm going to be free of this. But until I can leave I still need to learn how to deal appropriately with his behaviour, which I'm struggling with. A large part of me still believes him when he calls me a b*tch, he knows I want to be compassionate and do the right thing so makes me feel the opposite.
Unfortunately I have not been quick to learn. We had been together 8 years and he has been physically and emotionally abusive pretty much the whole time. I am just starting to wake up and realize the extent of this. I'm going to counselling and Al-Anon (both against his wishes) and have decided to leave, I just can't do it right now but I'm trying to do it as soon as I can. I am just starting to learn how to put boundaries in place, but getting a lot of abuse for trying. I almost don't care though because now when he rants and raves at me I just think how happy I am to know I'm going to be free of this. But until I can leave I still need to learn how to deal appropriately with his behaviour, which I'm struggling with. A large part of me still believes him when he calls me a b*tch, he knows I want to be compassionate and do the right thing so makes me feel the opposite.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PHILADELPHIA
Posts: 46
Wavy I commend you for seeking counseling and going to Al-Anon. You are absolutely doing the right thing. NO ONE NEEDS TO TOLERATE ABUSE OF ANY KIND. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN AND DON'T LOOK BACK. That's what I'd do if I was in your shoes. Yes it will be hard at times and yes you might miss him at times and feel sad about it all, but you will also have peace and quiet reigning in your life again and that is PRICELESS. He is extremely selfish for not wanting you to get counseling, and for continuing to berate you. You are not a b*tch. Yes I understand your desire to be "compassionate and do the right thing" but have you considered that you should be compassionate to YOURSELF and do the right thing for YOU? If you don't want to be treated this way, you don't have to put up with it anymore, plain and simple. You say he has been abusing you for the entire 8 years of the relationship. Clearly he has not changed, and is not taking steps to change now even though he can see how tired of the abuse you are. Please stick to your guns and leave as soon as possible before it gets any worse. Put your needs first. That is not a selfish thing to do, to take charge of your own life and do what you have to in order to feel safe and have some self-respect. I wish you all the best!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Just a point to think about, calling someone a stupid c##t is pretty abusive. Do you need that abuse in your life?
Originally Posted by Wavy 
I am concerned that in trying to stand up for my boundaries I’m over reacting to things and not giving ABF a chance to do the right thing. An example just to give you an idea of what I mean, but this sort of thing happens all the time:
Last night I went to pick him up from work. I was parked outside in a slightly different spot than normal (3 spaces over) and he couldn’t find the car at first. I saw he had missed me so I tried to call his mobile, but he spotted me before he picked up.
He got in the car and this was the conversation we had:
ABF: “I couldn’t find the car”
Wavy: “Yeah I saw you walk the wrong way”
ABF: “Well why didn’t you do anything?”
Wavy: “I tried to call you”
ABF: “Why did you do that you stupid c*nt? I wouldn’t hear you from inside the car!”
Wavy: “No, call you on your phone, not shout at you. Now get out the car, its not OK to talk to me like that and I don’t want to be around you if that’s how you are going to react to such minor situations”
After I said that I sat in silence staring out the front window waiting for him to get out, thinking if it was going to be a battle of wills for who could sit there longer then I could sit it out. After a while he tried to apologize and I told him again to get out the car, but we both still sat there. He tried apologizing a few more times and gradually I thought that maybe I was over reacting, he’s apologized and wasn’t it a bit mean of me to not accept his apology if he knows he’s done something wrong and is sorry for it (knowing in the back of my mind the apology didn’t really mean anything because he would talk to me like that again in a heart beat). In the end after about 20 minutes of playing this game I just started the car up and drove us both away. I gave up I guess and he won again and knows again that what I say doesn’t need to be taken notice of because I always back down.
I know I’m not supposed to engage in games, but I don’t understand what else to do in these situations. I don’t want to become the abusive one. I’m trying to stand up for my boundaries without becoming nasty, but I also don’t want to become hard-headed and insensitive. I just don’t understand too well where the lines are with what’s ok, what’s not and how to deal appropriately with things. I guess I’m just questing and second-guessing myself because this is all so new to me, I always just accepted his behaviour before. Does anyone have any advice?
Last night I went to pick him up from work. I was parked outside in a slightly different spot than normal (3 spaces over) and he couldn’t find the car at first. I saw he had missed me so I tried to call his mobile, but he spotted me before he picked up.
He got in the car and this was the conversation we had:
ABF: “I couldn’t find the car”
Wavy: “Yeah I saw you walk the wrong way”
ABF: “Well why didn’t you do anything?”
Wavy: “I tried to call you”
ABF: “Why did you do that you stupid c*nt? I wouldn’t hear you from inside the car!”
Wavy: “No, call you on your phone, not shout at you. Now get out the car, its not OK to talk to me like that and I don’t want to be around you if that’s how you are going to react to such minor situations”
After I said that I sat in silence staring out the front window waiting for him to get out, thinking if it was going to be a battle of wills for who could sit there longer then I could sit it out. After a while he tried to apologize and I told him again to get out the car, but we both still sat there. He tried apologizing a few more times and gradually I thought that maybe I was over reacting, he’s apologized and wasn’t it a bit mean of me to not accept his apology if he knows he’s done something wrong and is sorry for it (knowing in the back of my mind the apology didn’t really mean anything because he would talk to me like that again in a heart beat). In the end after about 20 minutes of playing this game I just started the car up and drove us both away. I gave up I guess and he won again and knows again that what I say doesn’t need to be taken notice of because I always back down.
I know I’m not supposed to engage in games, but I don’t understand what else to do in these situations. I don’t want to become the abusive one. I’m trying to stand up for my boundaries without becoming nasty, but I also don’t want to become hard-headed and insensitive. I just don’t understand too well where the lines are with what’s ok, what’s not and how to deal appropriately with things. I guess I’m just questing and second-guessing myself because this is all so new to me, I always just accepted his behaviour before. Does anyone have any advice?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
He;s treating you like total crap. Don't worry if YOU are over-reacting.
Originally Posted by Wavy
Thank you all so much for your advice and sharing your experiences, it's so reassuring and useful.
Unfortunately I have not been quick to learn. We had been together 8 years and he has been physically and emotionally abusive pretty much the whole time. I am just starting to wake up and realize the extent of this. I'm going to counselling and Al-Anon (both against his wishes) and have decided to leave, I just can't do it right now but I'm trying to do it as soon as I can. I am just starting to learn how to put boundaries in place, but getting a lot of abuse for trying. I almost don't care though because now when he rants and raves at me I just think how happy I am to know I'm going to be free of this. But until I can leave I still need to learn how to deal appropriately with his behaviour, which I'm struggling with. A large part of me still believes him when he calls me a b*tch, he knows I want to be compassionate and do the right thing so makes me feel the opposite.
Unfortunately I have not been quick to learn. We had been together 8 years and he has been physically and emotionally abusive pretty much the whole time. I am just starting to wake up and realize the extent of this. I'm going to counselling and Al-Anon (both against his wishes) and have decided to leave, I just can't do it right now but I'm trying to do it as soon as I can. I am just starting to learn how to put boundaries in place, but getting a lot of abuse for trying. I almost don't care though because now when he rants and raves at me I just think how happy I am to know I'm going to be free of this. But until I can leave I still need to learn how to deal appropriately with his behaviour, which I'm struggling with. A large part of me still believes him when he calls me a b*tch, he knows I want to be compassionate and do the right thing so makes me feel the opposite.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
Originally Posted by Wavy
I am just starting to learn how to put boundaries in place,.......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Thanks guys. I know his behaviour isn't acceptable anymore. I know I need to leave. Getting there is hard and I don't quite know how to do it. Our money situation in dire and although I am actively looking for somewhere to move out to I don't know how I'm going to afford it. I only need somewhere for a few months because hopefully I'll have a job abroad after that. And its got to be somewhere that accepts pets. And its got to be cheap. So I don't know if I'll find anyone willing to rent out a room or flat under those conditions.
I know leaving is the right thing now. I'm struggling this morning thinking how much its going to hurt to not be around him. I know that doesn't change anything. I'm just feeling particularly low today. I feel like I've got too many things to deal with right now and I want to curl up and hide form them all! Yes I know that's not an option! Got to keep going, one day at a time.
Thanks for the support everyone
I know leaving is the right thing now. I'm struggling this morning thinking how much its going to hurt to not be around him. I know that doesn't change anything. I'm just feeling particularly low today. I feel like I've got too many things to deal with right now and I want to curl up and hide form them all! Yes I know that's not an option! Got to keep going, one day at a time.
Thanks for the support everyone
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I feel for you. I really do. My XAH takes advantage of every open door as an opportunity to scream and act abusive with me, and we haven't lived together in almost 4 years.
I remember being exactly where you are. I had 3 children and 4 dogs and 2 cats. I couldn't afford our house payment and the cost of supporting us on my salary, and I knew that my children's father wasn't going to let me leave without a big, fat ugly fight. I didn't know what to do. I had finally come to the point where I knew he had nothing to offer us that peace and quiet wouldn't.
Keep yourself safe. Start thinking in terms of self-protection. People who are that angry scare me.
I remember being exactly where you are. I had 3 children and 4 dogs and 2 cats. I couldn't afford our house payment and the cost of supporting us on my salary, and I knew that my children's father wasn't going to let me leave without a big, fat ugly fight. I didn't know what to do. I had finally come to the point where I knew he had nothing to offer us that peace and quiet wouldn't.
Keep yourself safe. Start thinking in terms of self-protection. People who are that angry scare me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Thanks stella27. I am trying to think in terms of self protection a bit more now. It makes me so upset and angry that I even have to do that! I shouldn't have to make a plan to leave safely, it should be safe anyway! Well what it 'should be' in my head doesn't really matter, it is what it is and I'm making the plan anyway. I've managed to get a few of my most important documents out the house and kept in a locked cabinate at work. There is more that needs removing. Its wednesday so bet your bottom dollar he'll be out drinking so I might be able to get more out tonight without him noticing.
We are in the calm at the moment, where things seem fine and we get on and its all actually quite nice. I'm trying not to fall for it this time tho. I feel I can see him a bit more fully than I used to and keep in mind the other aspects of his personality other than just the one he's trying to show me right then. That's thanks to Al-Anon. Its hard when its going well to think about leaving because the good bits I'll lose when I lose the bad bits are right in front of my face and giving up those good bits is reeeally hard. I still know its the right thing, I'm just only starting to process the emotions of it.
We are in the calm at the moment, where things seem fine and we get on and its all actually quite nice. I'm trying not to fall for it this time tho. I feel I can see him a bit more fully than I used to and keep in mind the other aspects of his personality other than just the one he's trying to show me right then. That's thanks to Al-Anon. Its hard when its going well to think about leaving because the good bits I'll lose when I lose the bad bits are right in front of my face and giving up those good bits is reeeally hard. I still know its the right thing, I'm just only starting to process the emotions of it.
Last edited by Wavy; 03-06-2013 at 04:13 AM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Wavy
I shouldn't have to make a plan to leave safely, it should be safe anyway! Well what it 'should be' in my head doesn't really matter, it is what it is and I'm making the plan anyway.
Good for you. Keep breathing.
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